Embarrassed to be viewed dressed?

[Ria]

My wife is very accepting of me, she has seen me dressed up for Halloween parties in the past and that was fun. She has sewn me a skirt! ...one of my favorites. She hasn't shown any signs of discontent.

...as much as I do love dressing up on a regular basis (no makeup/wig ...too little time) I feel embarressed to be viewed in my girlish state by my wife. Like I might be viewed as crazy by her!

I'm not transitioning, I'm not taking my crossdressing to another level; I just love crossdressing whenever I can in private with the occasional evening outing. I love being a husband and father. Moreover, I love being a man.

My being embarrassed to present doesn't weigh heavy on my mind but it's something I've noted, it would be nice to rid myself of it. Can anyone relate? I don't spend as much time in this forum as I'd like, so I haven't come accross this topic yet.

[Joanna41]

Being embarrassed is something we all have been. For each of us it differs in the level. For you my advice would be to just take it slow and maybe hold up your girl clothes to yourself while they are still on the hanger and ask your wife how it looks...or try on a pair of your favorite jeans and then ask her how they look on you. Just take one garment at a time and work up to the entire outfit. Keep us posted how it works out.

Joanna

[kimdl93]

Ria, you posed two motivations for your embarrasment - that you're afraid that your wife will see you differently than the man, husband and father you are, and that you might look crazy. I guess eaither one is a valid fear.

If you would like to get over these fears here's the usual old advice - have a talk with her. Find out if she would like to see you dressed from time to time and under what circumstances. Let her know that you have these apprehensions, but would like to overcome them, and at the same time, emphasize that its important (for you) to retain your self image as husband and father, while expressing this part of yourself. She may have some good ideas and just talking about it may help ease your embarrassment a bit.

[TGMarla]

I admit that I don't much want my wife to see me crossdressed. I don't think it would be a comfortable situation for either of us until the day comes, if ever, that she actually requests to see me that way. I have doubts that that will ever happen. Now, as to the question of why I'd not want that, it goes beyond the discomfort it would cause.

My wife did have me crossdress once for Halloween, and she admitted that I looked pretty good, even though at the time I wore a moustache. She was amazed that I did so well with the makeup. This was before I disclosed to her that I'd crossdressed for years and years, and that I'd had plenty of practice. But despite the fact that she's seen me in a dress before, she's not thrilled that I crossdress. We don't talk about it much at all, and I do my best to keep it from her out of respect for her wishes. She married a man, and she wants to keep it that way. I want to be her husband, and I'm happy to keep it that way whenever she's around.

Were she to see me en femme, I'd feel diminished in some way. I don't feel that I'm a lesser person because I crossdress, nor do I feel that women are inferior to men. In fact, in many ways, I feel that women are superior to men. They're often better people. But there is a nasty social programming in my head from way back that illustrates women as inferior, lesser beings, that tells me that I'm lowering myself when I present as a woman. And although I reject that notion, it's still there due to a lifetime of incorrect conditioning meted out by the society in which we live. Were she to walk in on me while I was all decked out as a woman, I'd feel ashamed and diminished in her eyes. I hate to admit it, but it's true.

[Stephanie47]

I do not want to have my wife see me en femme, even for Halloween. She does not approve. She knows. She tolerates. Last night we were watching the "Closer." A cross-dressing preacher was murdered by his marine son, when caught cross-dressing with a hooker. My wife had to leave the room. The subject makes her uncomfortable. I see no reason to put cross-dressing "in her face" by presenting. She still sees the image of the man she married forty years ago. And, I'd say I haven't physically changed much except for the lack of a full head of hair. I think she does not want to change her image of me in a military uniform or a tuxedo on our wedding day or blue jeans for an image of me in a dress. I am not ashamed of being a cross-dresser, but, I admit life would be simpler if I wasn't.

[suchacutie]

The mind is a very strange organ. Most of you know that my wife and I discovered Tina together, named her together, and my wife is Tina's mentor and girlfriend. She ooo's and ahhh's when Tina gets it right, and quietly explains when she doesn't quite pull it off :).

Everything was just peachy until the first time that Tina used her own feminine voice. Suddenly she got shy and remarkably introspective. Why??? Not a clue! The other issue was when my wife suddenly appeared (quite innocently) half-way through transition. Now that felt awkward because I had no mental preparation for knowing who I was at that point.

I'm heading home early from work today so Tina can have a full night, and maybe we'll tackle this voice thing :). The only way to deal with it is an open discussion! Thanks for the post! It was just perfect timing for me.

Tina

[sandra-leigh]

I am not embarrassed to be viewed dressed, not at home and not out in public. With two notable exceptions:

A) I am not always comfortable going in to a multi-user mens washroom when I am wearing a skirt or dress (I only use the women's if I am completely done up, as I am easily "read" and I do not need to get in to legal hastles)

B) I am not comfortable with anyone other than my wife seeing me in the act of changing between more male-looking clothes and more female-looking clothes. I could remain completely "decent" by putting on a skirt over my pants and then taking my pants down underneath that, but I am not comfortable doing so where other people might see me -- but I'm fine with them seeing me in the pants and I'm fine with them seeing me in the skirt.

[Stephenie S]

My wife is very accepting of me, she has seen me dressed up for Halloween parties in the past and that was fun. She has sewn me a skirt! ...one of my favorites. She hasn't shown any signs of discontent.

...as much as I do love dressing up on a regular basis (no makeup/wig ...too little time) I feel embarressed to be viewed in my girlish state by my wife. Like I might be viewed as crazy by her!

I'm not transitioning, I'm not taking my crossdressing to another level; I just love crossdressing whenever I can in private with the occasional evening outing. I love being a husband and father. Moreover, I love being a man.

My being embarrassed to present doesn't weigh heavy on my mind but it's something I've noted, it would be nice to rid myself of it. Can anyone relate? I don't spend as much time in this forum as I'd like, so I haven't come accross this topic yet.

This says how you feel exactly. Just show her this post. Print it out and hand it to her. The following quote from your post says the most important things and the things MOST women are afraid of:

I'm not transitioning, I'm not taking my crossdressing to another level; I just love crossdressing whenever I can in private with the occasional evening outing. I love being a husband and father. Moreover, I love being a man.

Make certain she knows and understands this and you will be fine.

Stephie

[kendra_gurl]

...as much as I do love dressing up on a regular basis (no makeup/wig ...too little time) I feel embarressed to be viewed in my girlish state by my wife. Like I might be viewed as crazy by her!



The (no makeup/wig ...too little time) part of your post speaks volumes.

My wife and I just returned from a weekend trip which I spent most of the time en-femme but I would not allow her to see me untill I was totally done with my makeup and hair.
I don't like seeing myself in the mirror wearing makeup without a wig. I never put on clothing before the makeup and wig because I also don't like to see myself dressed with a male face and hair.
It's no wonder you feel embarrassed for your wife to see you without being totally transformed. Because you are aware that she can only see with her eyes and does not feel what you feel from just the clothing.

[Eryn]

Ria, I've felt the same thing, and I think that it related more to having to work out my own feelings about crossdressing. Even after my wife knew about my crossdressing I was very hesitant to have her see me dressed, but over time I became more and more comfortable with it. Yesterday we spent the entire day together with me dressed and had a great time. You and your spouse will find a position of comfort if you give it time.

What Kendra said about makeup and wig also rings true. I don't like to see myself incomplete, let along let someone else see me! My wife does see me in that state, but I'm much happier with everything on.

[prettytoes]

Ria, I feel the same way. I do not have any wigs, and I do not know how, nor do I have the time to apply makeup. My wife of 27 years has known about my crossdressing for about 4 months now. I have no problem putting my clothes in the wash, and I don't mind her seeing me in panties. I sleep in nighties because I feel much more comfortable and at ease. I sleep much better than I have in the past, but I am still just a bit uncomfortable with her seeing me in them. It is getting easier, though. She has asked not to see me in a skirt, and that is fine with me. I also try to avoid hugging her when I am wearing a bra. I have some clothes that I have not yet shown her, which include a bikini. I love the way it feels on me, but I think this would be "over the top" for her. I also keep my toenails painted, and I paint them right in front of her without a problem.
Sometimes she jokes about it a bit and seems very accepting; other times she seems disgusted by it. I am not sure what to think, so I try to keep it away from her when I can. Not to hide it, but to avoid making her uncomfortable.

[Duana]

I can relate but the part your missing is, the feeling diminishes each time you do it until its gone. And it doesn't take long. You will never get comfortable with it by hoping it will go away on its own. Suffer the embarrassment and start the process.

[countingthesand]

Never be afraid to be who you are in your heart. Don't let peoples preception of you change you mind

[VeronicaMoonlit]

...as much as I do love dressing up on a regular basis (no makeup/wig ...too little time) I feel embarressed to be viewed in my girlish state by my wife. Like I might be viewed as crazy by her!


My being embarrassed to present doesn't weigh heavy on my mind but it's something I've noted, it would be nice to rid myself of it. Can anyone relate?

Yes, I can relate. All I can say is that it takes time. It took quite a while after I told my immediate family before I ever let them see me en femme..intentionally.

Veronica

[Tina B.]

Funny, my wife is the only one I feel comfortable seeing me dressed. I never go out because I am not comfortable being seen in womens clothes, but at home it feels very natural. Tina, my wife has always been fine with me in a dress, but she also had trouble with the voice. I never try using a femmine voice around her, it seems to make her very uncomfortable. But is is fine with me in make up and wig, just not the voice, to much someone else I think.
Tina B.

[Alice B]

I think that since your wife is accepting you should dress for her and involve her. Ask for her input on how to look better and accept her advise.

[mercterr]

I know how you feel, My family and therapist are very supportive of me (my wife is not) but I would feel utterly humiliated dressed in front of them. Still have some self acceptance and social programming issues to work out. I don't have an answer for you but you are not alone in your feelings.

[sometimes_miss]

When I was married, I didn't know what to expect when my wife said it was alright for me to dress up when she was home. In my demented mind, I of course envisioned an accepting person, who might perhaps preen me, fix my hair, straighten my jewelry or dress. Instead, from her I got a horrified look as if I grew another head. That look from her sticks in my mind any time I consider showing someone else what I look like dressed up as a girl.

[Ria]

Great feedback on this, thank you!

Some of you suggested opening up the communication channels and I think you're bang on with this. How Else does one find out about how the other feels? Simple, good advice. I guess I know this, I shouldn't be so damn sheepish about it.

Stephanie S- I like your idea of printing out this thread and giving it to her... It's simple, I like it, it conveys a lot.

Kendra_gurl- I think you hit the nail on the head with the no wig/makeup theory. "Dude head" on a gorgeous lady figure ;0) may be perceived as pretty bizarre, I know this. When I check myself out in the mirror I like what I see for the most part, I can omit the "dude head" from my mental picture but she can't ( I don't think) and that does bug me. I think this may cut to the root of the matter for me because I'm fairly comfortable all done up with makeup and wig on and being around her.

Prettytoes- I too try to keep it away from her to a degree for fear of pushing my luck. I'd really hate for her to develop a problem with it. I guess I don't want to shatter her image of me, but communicating about it is a must. Otherwise I won't know where the "line in the sand" is.

I really appreciate all of your comments, they are all really insightful and helpful.

Ria

[Intertwined]

I agree with what the others have said, it takes time.

I have found, (this may not be the best method), is to hit it head on. Example; I used to be affraid of swimming in water where I could not see the bottom, I got so sick of this fear, that one night, near midnight, I went to our local harbor, and swam straight out to sea, I had to have been nearly a half mile out, when I swam through a school of fish that "boiled" (jumping up out of the water), I thought to myself, if I make it back to shore alive, I would never be afraid to swim in any water again, and to this day that has stuck.

Applying this to CD, I got up on stage, in front of nearly 400 of my fellow employees (most did not know I CD) to accept an award, in a skirt, stockings and heels, and now I don't think I will ever be embarrased of what anyone thinks of my clothing.

[Stefia S]

Perhaps seeing you dressed is her way of coming to accept your other self and to satsify her curiousity? This is the case with my wife.

Now, my wife has seem me dressed two other times, once about two months ago, when I drove into the garage and was surprised to see her. And another time, a week ago, for 10 minutes while she stopped home briefly between two errands - that time we were expecting to see one another with me being en femme.

Then yesterday was the third time. I came home en femme just before dinner. We greeted one another, and I said in my female voice, "well, I better get changed then I'll start dinner". Her response was "why not cook dinner and eat just as you are?" So I put down my purse, washed my hands, and started chopping and cooking, while she put away dishes - we had a great conversation too. We shared what we had done throughout the day and our opinions about the news, etc. Pretty normal stuff. So normal that it felt a bit unreal. Then we ate dinner together with me on my best female behavior. By after dinner, I was at ease and did enjoy being en femme with her!

I know she'd like me to be comfortable being en femme around her (though not all the time), and it helped her fulfill curiousity and come to accept my femme persona too. She'd rather have me at ease en femme around her than hiding and dressing "behind her back".

On the other hand I would feel uncomfortable with her seeing me in the act of dressing. That is, in a half-way state, like with makeup and no wig, etc.

[Marie-Elise]

I can relate to what you say. Since I came out to my wife a little less than a year ago, I have only dressed fully in front of her three or four times. And I don't have a wig and I have a goatee. Sometimes, when I think about it, I wonder how she sees me: her man in a dress watching TV with her. Oh well, we are what we are...

[Melody Moore]

I feel embarressed to be viewed in my girlish state by my wife. Like I might be viewed as crazy by her!
You have been given lots of great advice, I have nothing really further to add here.

I hope you find away to get over it hun because it sounds like you are fearing yourself here more
than anything else, because you don't really know yourself. And I think that your wife is trying to
help you to understand & know yourself better by how accepting & encouraging she is towards you.

[Cheryl T]

My wife is very accepting of me, she has seen me dressed up for Halloween parties in the past and that was fun. She has sewn me a skirt! ...one of my favorites. She hasn't shown any signs of discontent.

...as much as I do love dressing up on a regular basis (no makeup/wig ...too little time) I feel embarressed to be viewed in my girlish state by my wife. Like I might be viewed as crazy by her!


When I first came out to my spouse about 7 years ago I had that same feeling.
I didn't mind her seeing me dressed or not, but the stages in between were embarrassing to me...like she would think less of me or something. I found that that wasn't the case, it was all me. Now it doesn't matter. We get dressed together, help each other dress, help with makeup, share clothes and wigs and just have fun with it. Now when we are getting ready to go out I just feel like we're 2 girl friends prepping for a day out and it's become so much fun.

Give it time and don't over think all this. The feeling will go away. Since she's very accepting it's probably like me...all in your mind. Give yourself a break and relax.