Update

[britney1]

Wow, where do I begin? A lot has happend since I last posted. My wife and I are working through things slowly. This is going to be such a long a painful process. My wife and I have agreed to work things out, because "I do till death do us part" means alot to us. Some background on our relationship is that we have only been married for a year and half. We dated for 3 years prior to that, and we were friends 3 years prior to that. A lot of things have strained our marriage over the past year and a half. I have a very stressful job (commercial insurance agent) and that wears on us. I have been smoking behind her back (to her dismay) for a while and that has strained our relationship too. We havn't been having sex but about once or twice a month primarily because I didn't want her to find out that I have been smoking (smokers breath, although she knew anyways). I would always hide it from her and lie to her about it which didn't sit well. So all these things were happening before I dropped the bomb on her. I think it is safe to say that this wasn't the ideal time. She had admitted to me that she had divorce in her mind before this even happend so you can imagine what she was thinking after she found out. It's one thing to tell your SO about crossdressing when things in your relationship are great, it's a completely devestating thing for her to find out when things are bad. Maybe that's why I have indulged myself in crossdressing so much lately, is because of the stress of work and the strain on my relationship with my wife. I don't know about everyone else, but I feel the need to "escape" into crossdressing to run from my own problems. I doubt that makes sense to anyone but it does to me.

We have done a lot of talking latley which is obviously a good thing. I went out to the bar with the best man from my wedding on Saturday. While I was out, she actually read the articles (that I got from all of you) that I had printed off for her. She says that it just made her even more upset. She said she can't believe that I could do this to her. She can't accept it she says. She said she can't be happy with me as a crossdresser. She asked a lot of questions, which was good. One questions that she asked was "do you have a female name?" I told her that I did, which did not sit well. She didn't even want to know what it was. She said that it's like you live two totally different lives. You are two different people and I can't handle that. I asked her if she thought it was ok for women to be police officers and firefighters? She said of course it is, but they don't live two seperate lives. She also asked if I had ever been in public, and I told her no. She said the thought of me going into public disgusted her.

So, where did all this end up? I began to feel feelings of extreme anger with myself for hurting the woman I love. Not just with crossdressing, but in all aspects of our marriage. I have been so dishonest with her. I have not been the husband I know I can be, and I want to be. She is the one who has always compromised for me. I never told her that I wouldn't crossdress anymore, but that I would try to control it. I need to become a stronger person because crossdressing isn't as important to me as my marriage. I said that there were other ways I could express my feminine side other than by dressing completley en femme. I asked would I be harming you if I just shaved my legs and wore womens underwear? She said it would still bother her but maybe she could live with that.

We decided that we will try to work through all of this and seek counseling. She said she could never go to a CD support meeting. She has the typical sociatal block in her mind. For now, I am curtailing my crossdressing. I still shave my legs and chest, but Britney is put away.

We have a lot of rebuilding to do and we are basically starting from the ground up. I told her I wanted to make our marriage work and she agreed she did too. There is still some anger present but I think that will disapate. She did tell 2 of her closest friends which is wierd to me because now they know. My wife hates secrets from anyone. If she has to keep a secret, then she feels that she is not living her life truthfuly. (this is where she finds CDing morally wrong because it must be kept a secret). I know a lot of you are thinking well then don't keep it a secret. Unfortunatly, where we live (conservative midwest), CDing will never be accepted. If people knew, we would be rejected by her family, and our friends. So there in and of itself, lies the true issues.

I don't know if I have made any sense of things, because I have been jumping all over the place, but I just wanted to let you all know how I have been and what's been going on. Life is still on eggshells and will be for a long time in my household. I really do appreciate everyone for caring and their genuine concern.

[vicky V]

Hi Britney,

I am a brand new member (only allowed to post as of this morning), so that is why I did not offer you my support when you first communicated your plight. I hope you can work things out. I am a 24\7 panty wearer and have done so since I came out to my wife several years ago. She was very sympathetic, however, had I been a complete CD'er her reaction may have been different. During the day I wear my sexier panties (I love the Wacoal line) and in the evening for bed and also for Dr's appointments I wear the Victoria Secret Body line of panties (very comfortable they are available in a fantastic array of colors).

I wish you all the best in your pursuit of the inner you.

Love,

vicky v

[Natalie x]

Glad you could share that, Britney. I guess it's progress of sorts. And I don't think you need any advice, you know what you want and you know what to do to try to achieve it. I think you are doing it right. You clearly love each other immensely, and I just want to wish you a happy outcome to it all.

[Sophia Rearen]

Britney,
Of course we understand what your going through. One of the reasons we dress is to relieve stress. Don't feel guilty. I am with you, sister, I have had some pretty emotional conversations regarding my cding with my wife these past two days. As recent as this morning. Since our talk Saturday I have felt guilty about dressing. I told her it was not her fault I felt guilty, its just an internal conflict. I have realised that if I try to put Sophia away it came be done, but, I am not going to be happy. She is me and I am her. To hide that I will be unhappy. If I am unhappy than others around me will be as well, including my children. It's going to be a long journey, I know, and my wife is at least trying to understand. And after all, thats what I want. For her to at least understand how I feel. We are here for you. You are not alone. My deepest heartfelt empathy to you and yours, Love,

[Wendy me]

ok that all sounds good the talking and all but the probleme i see is your starting that cycle all over again ... let me explane here your a crossdresser
yes it's true and while you love your wife and want to work things out ... trying to not dress but rather wear womans underwear and shave your legs ...
lets be honest here i don't think that that will work at all ... see i had a deal with my wife that i would not shave for the summer time i promissed her
then one day i was just going to trim back the hairs that were growing ...next thing i knew it clean shaved legs....she freaked out ...see i don't dress in frought of my wife (for now anyway) but she knows i do ... over the years it's been more and more a part of me ... for right now forget promissess that you won't dress of just what you can wear or can't wear
if coulseing is something she is open to then thats a good thing as you say theres a lot more going on then your dressing ... that trust has to be fixed then all else comes next ....but in one way or a nouther your dressing is going to come back and then what it starts all over ???? i have been through the getting busted promissess that i won't do it again and while we are trying to work on this there is so mutch she dosen't know abought me... and i know that as we make small steps twards her comming to terms with it .. there is still a lot to get through ... the longer i waited to bring this out the more of the little lies that crop up ..... get your trust back and keep working on this issue as it's going to come up again and again .... it just won't go away.... and if staying honest and being together and haveing a family are importin to the bouth of you then ... you bouth need to come to a place were you bouth can live with your dressing.....

my .02 worth....

[britney1]

I understand where you are coming from, however, there has to be a happy medium and compromise right? That's what makes marriages last. So, compromising with crossdressing shouldn't be any different. If I like to go and hang out with my buddies and get drunk, but I begin to do it to much and it conflicts with my marriage, then compromise needs to reached. I never said I would stop completly. I have just compromized to express my cd feelings in other ways. I have to control the impulses. No different than if I was addicted to pornography. Everything is good in moderation right? Somtimes you overindulge and are TRUTHFUL about it. But still, try to control it. At least that's what are going to try for now.

[Sophia Rearen]

Listening to music I heard a line this morning. I forget the artist and title. Anyway, britney it goes something like this, " everything can't be rainbows and butterflies it's compromise that moves us along". Very apropos.

[Kayla Smith]

Britney,:)
I just wanted to say good luck with working things out. Just remember you are who you are and Britney will always be a part of you.:gorgeous:

[Phoebe Reece]

Britney,

It's really gratifying to see that both you and your wife are committed enough to the marriage to keep talking and try and find some solutions to the problems that exist. There are good compromises and not so good ones. I agree that you have to try something and see how it goes. If it doesn't work out, renegotiate - just don't start doing something secretive again. I know it may not seem like it right now, but getting discovered may ultimately lead to you and your wife gaining a better understanding of each other and make your marriage stronger over the long haul. Best of luck, whatever course this takes you.

[Holly]

Brittney, if I may be so bold as to suggest that your crossdressing is NOT the main source of your current marital issues... oh it's the symptom, to be sure, but not the cause. The real issues you are facing are more fundamental... truthfulness, honesty, trust. And while it may be necessary for you to adjust your CDing activities for at least the short term, if you are going to be successful in maintaining your relationship with your wife, your long term success will demand that you rebuild the foundations that have been damaged by your less than honest dealings with her concerning your smoking, your CDing, and anything else you may have been doing and been less than honest with her about.

If BOTH of you are committed to making it work, it can be done. And please don't be afraid to enlist the assistance of professional outside help to point you both in the right direction. Best wishes to the two of you.

[britney1]

You have hit the nail on the head. That is exactly whats going on and exactly what we are doing. Would she have been able to accept crossdressing had everything else not been going on in our marriage? I don't know but she probably would have been more understanding than the current situation. Thanks for understanding me and helping us throught the situation.

[Wendy me]

don't forget the coumpter and all your pics....could be your next thingy....................

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Holly beat me to the point I was going to make. As several GGs have pointed out previously, even under the best of circumstances the problem often isn't as much the CDing itself as much as the feeling of not being trusted. Given the other things you mentioned Britney, as you've recognized, rebuilding trust is going to key to making things work. OTOH, what's done is done, and rather than beating yourself up about it, just to focus that emotion on doing what needs to be done.

It's still early enough that it's hard to tell what her long-term reaction will be. I know she's said she can't be happy with you as a CD, but she's also agreed to try to work out things. So I wouldn't give up yet, but also realize it may take her a long time to come to grips with it -- if at all.

I don't remember if someone had previously pointed you to Marla's excellent thoughts http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=12890 on the "acceptance pendulum" SO's go through, but if you haven't seen it, you definitely should read it. Also, if she does become more accepting, just remember, one can have an intellectual change of opinion fairly quickly, but it usually takes longer for one to accept in your heart, and even longer for it to feel right in your gut.

As far as her being upset by your female name, it's probably in part because it's symbolic of the part of yourself that you've hidden from her. I don't know if it might help to talk about how we all adopt different personas depending on our situations. For example, I'm sure your "work personality" is different than how you behave with her, or the persona you adopt for a night out with the guys. CDing is allowing to express a different side of yourself -- but it's still you. (You might also mention the practical reason of anonymity for using a femme name on a forum like this.)

As far as her being disgusted about you being in public, that's probably more a fear about what will the neighbors think about her. I.e. if she thinks CDing is perverted, what does that say about her that she's married to one?

I know it's weird knowing that she's told her friends, but that's just one of those things we guys have to accept that GGs do. And unfortunately, even though you've come out to her, she's now in the closet herself, so she needs someone to talk to. Hopefully, you might be able to persuade her to talk with some of the folks here.

BTW,I don't know if it's appropriate ask about talking to her girlfriends yourself, but that could potentially be useful -- if nothing else giving them a clearer picture about CDing, so that your SO doesn't get well-meant, but uninformed feedback from them.

Anyway, both of you hang in there.

[Sophia Rearen]

Britney,
Such good advice and help here. I am praying that yours is a success story for the record books. Yours could be a case study on how a forum has helped a closet cd and his unknowing and now unaccepting wife come to terms.

[Carlacd]

Happy to hear that the two of you are talking. That in it's self is a big accomplishment. :) . Remember, to not try to fix it in a couple of days.
As for some of the other things you said, got to stop hidding everything. Need to be fully honest about everything, cd'ing, smoking, etc.
Hang in there.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Britney
Extremely glad to hear your both communicating.
It may be a long process but you both seem to have decide the marrige is worth saving. I hope you both succeed. You say britney has gone away for the moment but I know she will surface again. the real question is what will the compromise be.
it may be that britney has her own time when your wife is away ( sort of out of sight out of mind idea ) or it may be more open.
Do not expect a quick resoultion to this it could take months or years.
When everything else has been resolved as in trust issues etc.
Who knows what a new day will bring.

Lastly there is always hope.

[CharleneCD]

Britney,
First off I am so sorry to hear about your problems. You are definitely in my thoughts.

My main bit of advise goes along with what Wendy said; Dont make any promises unless you are %100 sure you can keep them. With you hiding your CDing and smoking behind her back, her trust in you is going to be a fragile thing. Breaking another promise, no matter how small, could destroy any chance to save your marriage.

Bunny who is reading this as I write, want me to say that you must make sure that in any compromise you make with your wife, that you will be true to who and what you are. Basicly if your compromises make you unhappy, then that unhappiness will come through into the marriage, making you both unhappy.

Last, I saw that others have sent you a list of psych's that deal with TG's. I would try to steer her towards a female one, as she might feel more comfortable getting advise from another woman. A male counselor would probobly make her feel as if it were just another one of us ganging up on her.

I wish you only the best in this tough time.

[paulaN]

well here goes. everyone has made very good points and I hope everything works out ok for you and your wife. I have not followed every coment but I have stayed in tune with what is going on with you and your Wife. It sounds to me that she is very closed minded. she does not want to accept anything but a "normal" relationship. I would gather that she does not accept gays or any other relationship other than "normal" ones. I think it comes from her upbringing. I don't want to get political or religion into this. but do you realy have a chance to change her mind. After all is said and done can she accept an alternive life stile. where does she stand on these things. something to think about. I do hope it works for you.

[Darlene.]

Britney,

It is true that you have been given some very good advice here, which leaves room for little to add.

I just want to reinforce something Wendy touched on. You have destroyed the trust in your marriage due to being dishonest with her. In order to be honest with her you first need to be honest with yourself.

It all sounds nice and proper to say that you will compromise, by putting Britney on the self etc. But you need to be honest with both her and yourself that you may not be able to do that. Because if you are not you are only setting yourself up for another fall.

It is not only about respect for her, but also about respect for yourself. When you look back at the deception that you have allowed in your life (towards your wife.) What does that do to your self respect?

I believe if you can fix that, you will go a long way towards fixing the rest.

Best wishes.

[gennee]

I pray that everything works out for you both. The love is there, for sure. Some day I will out myself to my spouse. I knows that I polish my toenails. I don't think she suspects that I am a CD. You had the courage to out yourself and I admire you for that. I believe she will come around and see a new and better you.


Gennee:) :hugs:

[Olivia]

Good luck Britney! I hope this ends well for both of you. A lot of great advice has been offered but of course, you know best how to handle your own situation. She loves you; she loved you when you were a crossdresser, she just didn't know about it. You might point out to her that fact, that you are still the person that she fell in love with. You haven't suddenly grown horns and a forked tail. I hope she can come to terms with the fact that what's "normal" for some isn't true for us. My own very accepting wife once threw that same accusation at me; "it's just not normal!" Now, she understands so much better that "normal" is such a subjective term. She knows now that it is normal for me to want to dress this way. I didn't choose to be a crossdresser-I am one. It is what I am; indeed, it is what you are too. Thinking the best for you Britney, love, Olivia.

[Sarahgurl371]

Britney,
just wanted to reiterate what someone else already said. There seems to be a tendency for us to become secretive again after telling our SO. Stick to any compromise you have made, and communicate your feelings with her. If you do something behind her back and she finds out, its big trouble. I make it a point to tell my wife everything now, I've learned from the past. It may be difficult to tell her how you feel, but its the best thing to do. It eliminates guilt and shame, it may upset her, but not near as much as if she finds out afterwards.

[Jacqui]

Hi, Britney, I, like everyone else have been following your story and hope that things eventually work out with you and your wife.
Perhaps I am not qualified to give any advice since I, myself, do not have the courage that you do in revealing myself to my wife.
But the one thing I disagree with that alot of people are bringing up is "trust and honesty." Yes, it's true that for a marriage to survive it must be built on a foundation of trust and honesty.
However, I think there is a difference between "being honest" and "hiding" your most inner secrets, especially when you know that they will conflict with the feelings of the one you love most and cause a severe amount of hurt. Britney IS a part of you. The chances are, she will not leave easily. If she's anything like Jacqui, the longer the repression, the stronger she comes back.
What I'm trying to say is that I don't think your marriage is irreparably damaged by lack of trust and honesty. I would try to explain to your wife why you hid this from her in the first place. Maybe, even though you knew about Britney before you got married, you thought that she would go away. Maybe you never told your wife because you knew how hurt she would be to find out this part of you and you couldn't take the chance of losing her because you love her so much.
The mere fact that you're talking about it means that you ARE honest and you're hoping that she can at least understand that you are being honest.
One last thing, I quit smoking on October 27, 1983 after a month-long battle with mononucleosis. I haven't touched a cigarette since, and I know that if I had one puff, it would be back to square 1.
It was easier to give up smoking than to say good-bye to Jacqui. Perhaps this could be one of your bargaining chips in an ever-growing compromise. Quit the sticks, it's bad for you, it's bad for her, you'll feel better, and maybe she'll see that you're giving up something that's really enjoyable and hard to give up...
Maybe then there could be a chance that she can accept Britney for the beautiful person that she is.

Good luck, honey,

Jacqui

[DonnaT]

It's good to see you've uncovered some root problems with your relationship, and are working to overcome them, together.

Hopefully your wife will continue to educate herself about CDing, and if she does, ask her to discuss what she learns with you. You don't want her getting the wrong ideas.

Another issue that will come up is one of fear. She'll fear where you are headed. She'll wonder if you're content to dress at home verses going out. She'll wonder if you want to transition. She'll fear you being attacked it you do go out. So be prepared for it, and be prepared to tell her you understand her fears.

[TGMarla]

I wish the best for you both. I've been through this before, and may again sometime. But I kinda agree with Wendy (you rock, girl!). I made promises once, and purged once or twice. Purging is in a way a kind of promise to reform, too, right? But I never did quit. And I dress from head to toe on a regular basis. And I love it. Could I give it up? Maybe. But it would be harder than cigarettes or heroin. (Err...I don't smoke OR use heroin, btw...) But like everyone else, I hope that everything works out for the best for you two. Marriage is hard WITHOUT this kind of baggage. Good luck.

[britney1]

Britney,

It is true that you have been given some very good advice here, which leaves room for little to add.

I just want to reinforce something Wendy touched on. You have destroyed the trust in your marriage due to being dishonest with her. In order to be honest with her you first need to be honest with yourself.

It all sounds nice and proper to say that you will compromise, by putting Britney on the self etc. But you need to be honest with both her and yourself that you may not be able to do that. Because if you are not you are only setting yourself up for another fall.

It is not only about respect for her, but also about respect for yourself. When you look back at the deception that you have allowed in your life (towards your wife.) What does that do to your self respect?

I believe if you can fix that, you will go a long way towards fixing the rest.

Best wishes.

You touched on a very important matter in resolving all of this. My own self respect. That is something that is non existent right now. As I try to rebuild the trust and respect with my wife, that is something that I am going to need to rebuild myself.

Thanks for the advice

[JoAnnDallas]

britney... It just occured to me that if you have given your SO this web site, you might want to change your avatar until things settle down.

[Darlene.]

Britney,

My heart rejoiced at your response.

With an attitude like that you will come out of this a better person. You are on the right path.

*Hugs*

[britney1]

I am sorry if I am taking a critical note here, but I think it is important to look at the several behaviors you have mentioned; the smoking, going out and getting drunk with the guys...etc. All of these things seem to be things she does not approve of, so you have to ask yourself some questions to that end. If she doesnt approve of them, then why do you do them, and if all of those things are part of who you are, then why are are you with her? I am not saying you should abandon your relationship, but merely that perhaps you have not been completley commited to the relationship. A relationship is about mutually shared experience of life. Doing, enjoying, and facing things together is the sweetest and most rewarding part of any relationship. We all know here that CD-ing is a purely selfish indulgence. Yes, we all have our own selfish indugences of some form, but it sounds to me like you are very self-invovled. Its not just your CD-ing that is interfering with your relationship, but also your smoking and your job, and other things that really have nothing to do with her.

I am sure that if there was a healthier and deeper connection between you, and the CD-ing was the only thing she had to deal with, that it would be much easier for her to look at it differently and possibly accept.

I read once too, a post from an SO that was on your wifes end, and she talked aobut her husband quitting for her because he was so commited to her, and that she didnt think it was a big deal at first. She said she never asked to him to quit, but talked about being uneasy with the notion of being married to someone with almost a separate personality. So he had quit for about a year, and she said she started to notice that there were many things about him that she just didnt see any more...in the way of his tenderness and sensitivity...etc. Essentially the feminine side of himself that the CD-ing allowed him to nurture. She realized that she had fallen in love with the CD-er after all, and just never realized it. They set ground rules, and she allowed him to dress under specific and certain conditions, and in a way that would not interfere with their lives, their firends, their kids...etc. It was still a bit of a sacrifice for him for sure, but even more for her as well. They found a common ground. I am willing to bet they are still together and making it quite well.

For your relationship to survive, your heart and soul need to be in a purely giving state. It sounds like you are asking her to make all of the sacrfices here, though you have put Brittany away for now.

I am not saying that you should try to quit, unless you feel that is something you want to do, are capable of, and that your relationship is worth attempting that huge task (a question that I even have myself as you may have read in my own posts). However, all of the other selfish things you mentioned are big issues.

You cant ask her to do everything. If you do, she definitely will not be around for long.

I know this doesnt sound supportive, but sometimes one has to say the tough things to help someone. That is all I am trying to do. I have been in your exact situation, so I am speaking from experience. I learned a great deal from it all, though my CD-ing seems to be a little different in nature than yours.

I do wish you luck, but just wanted to make sure that you are looking at yourself. If you are asking her to accept and bend, you should be offering to bend and accept at least twice as much as you are asking.

I hope this helps.

Kristi

thank you for your support. You said a lot things in your message that are right on. She mentioned to me that she has done all the compromising in the relationship and when I tried to argue that point, the only thing I could come up with was "umm..........Yea, i guess you are right." I have been trying and succeeding lately at being a better person. Being more supportive of her needs. Helping her around the house A LOT more (which I did very little in the past), and trying not to be so selfish. I have been really really selfish in our relationship. Maybe through all of this, she will begin to see that some of my feminine traits still show through my male side, but she just never put 2+2 together. I think she is starting to see that. Like I keep saying, who knows where all of this will end. Counseling is the next step and hopefully that will be huge in rebuilding our relationship.

[Wendy me]

Britney, once again let me say take care of the coumpter your pictures and web sites you go to ....that will open a whole new can of worms.....

[britney1]

Britney, once again let me say take care of the coumpter your pictures and web sites you go to ....that will open a whole new can of worms.....

Allready taken care of that. Thanks for the advice though

[knelson]

When I broke the news to my ex-wife that I enjoyed dressing she was shocked and pissed. Living deep in the Bible Belt of SC, it is very hard to overcome what is perceived to be immoral. What I found she wanted was a man not a female to have sex with. It took a long time, but slowly she accepted it until our divorce. The divorce was not because of the dressing but more over the fact that we had grown apart due to not communicating our true feelings. Hang in there, keep talking, and understand that there are many of us who understand what you are going through.

[Tiffy]

Britney, I am not as good with words as many of the ladies here. And they have made many very good points. And there is not much that I can say. Except we are here for you. And we love you and wish you the best of luck. Well atleast I do.

Best wishes honey,


Kisses, April

[HaleyPink2000]

Only thing I have to say is this.

Make your wife part of your life. She has not been it sounds like.
If She goes to the store, go with her. If She wants to do anything, be part of it. You want Her to do the same for you, correct? You want Her to believe everything you say, then don't lie or tell stories. Be as good a person you'd like Her to be with you. All those good things, trusting, devoted etc.

You Know I have some issues my self with my wife. But you know what? They are Her issues about CDing. Not about me being bad, lazy, not working or a cheat etc. She has no complaints about me other than the CDing. I do everything I can for my wife. But guess what? It would be ten times worse if I were bad in other ways, along with the CD thing.

It will work out. You’re a sharp person I can tell. I can tell you that the first 10 years of marriage you’re still getting used to each other. The easy phrase to throw out by either of you is Divorce. But if you ever loved the other person in any way, don't be hurtful and use that card ever. It stops being a fair fight if someone uses the word divorce. From that time on it's for sure someone is going to cry and be hurt. Words can't be taken back. Even Sorry don't take words back. Even sorry don't make Her tears from last week go away as if it never did happen.

Ok, soap boxing, HUH? Yeah I guess I am. I'm old, 50 ish. LOL but you know what? I still don't have all the answers. It's that I try each day to make it nice for Her first, then for me. My Wife 90% of the time does the same for me. Puts me first. That 10% is what our problem is. After 24 years with my wife, I still am working on that 10% very hard. Each day I try to get Her to see that She needs to change what She does during that 10% of Her day.

But Oh well! My problems can be fixed with time.
I pray yours can also.
Haley:)

[HaleyPink2000]

How to tell your partner ( 1 2)
Marla GG

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=1&page=3&order=desc

Read this posting from Marla GG. Worth the read big time.

This is worth like 25 stars.

Haley:)