I feel like I am on autopilot

[Jay Cee]

I am slowly working my way towards being a woman. Part of me is completely thrilled, and the other part of me is scared. I just had my preliminary checkup at the gender clinic today, and have an appointment with their doctor in a couple of months. I have been seeing a counsellor about my TG/TS issues and concerns for a few months now. I've had a few electrolysis appointments already. It's all slowly coming together.

The weird thing about all of this progression is that it doesn't even feel like I am making any effort. It's just happening. I don't even feel responsible for the changes I am causing and will be causing. Is it normal to feel so disconnnected from the process?

[TerryTerri]

I don't know if "disconnected" would be the word I'd use to describe my version of this. Powerless and along for the ride perhaps. Like you, I do not complain as the farther along I creep, the more right and confident I become about all this.

My transition effects numerous folks and it is very important to me to do my best reasonable job of considering them and work with those situations, as best I can.
Transitioning I think is a very necessary and shelfish thing to do. However, I can and try to do it in as unselfish a manner as I can. I trust and believe in my transition.

My 'job' is to take the next step to be taken when it is right to do so. The whole idea of transition still scares and overwhelms me. But, one baby step at a time has really helped and I can see honest decent progress behind me and hope for my future. But, I'll do my feeble best to live in today, Love, Trust, have Patience and remember that happiness is a mode of travel it is not a destination!

[ReneeT]

I have similar feelings. When i think about the big picture i sometimes become overwhelmed, but if i focus on the next step it is more manageable. I sat down recently and sketched out a timeline from where i am now to full post op transition. It was a bit scary, but it did help to give me a sense of direction and control. I have targeted June 2014 for srgery. While this might seem a long way off, it allows time for my teenage daughter to finish high school. There is still a lot to do between now and then!

[Aprilrain]

I am a Pilot and the great thing about autopilots is they allow you to plan ahead without having to keep up with the mundane task of flying a plane straight and level sometimes for hours, which really frees you up to focus on the million other things there are to do in a cockpit like eat lunch!
Use this gift wisely.

Like, Renee I have a tentative plan for the various milestones in transition. being full time AND having the correct ID really feels like the start of the RLE for me, which starts tomorrow! I don't think my therapist would be a stickler on this point as far as writing a letter goes though. My plan includes FFS sometime in January and then top and bottom a year latter. Mostly because of financial reasons.

[Teri Jean]

Jay I felt the same way and I attributed it to the feeling of self acceptance and finally a calming flow of energy. One of the things my friends said when I came home from my SRS surgey was a glow of confidence above and beyond a few weeks earlier. So it seems to be a result of our self confidence.

[sandra-leigh]

I've been in therapy for a couple of years; I've been on HRT since the beginning of the year.

The "hard parts", the parts that felt like real effort, were in (A) talking to my wife originally about cross-dressing [years before]; (B) going through the initial struggle to decide whether I was "just" a cross-dresser or was transgender (with transsexual not ruled out); (C) making the decision to seriously investigate HRT and find out if I was even a candidate and what the risks would be to my biology; and (D) making the decision to start HRT. For me, the decision to go to gender therapy was easy; the sessions have not been strenuous (but they have felt worth-while); the actual appointments at the HRT clinic have not been difficult; the hardest part of taking the medications has been just remembering to take them (well, the hardest part has been dealing with the tiredness from low blood pressure.) Now that I am on HRT, I am, like Jay, just sort of "cruising through" (other than with respect to the tiredness.) The HRT relieved my depression a fair bit, and calmed down my needs for my female side to "burst out". Life goes on, relatively calm gender-wise, just with the occasional mid-course correction from therapy or meds adjustment.

I'm not sure who said it just a few days ago, and I'm paraphrasing here, but "The other end of the the stress that leads to transition is not high excitement at living one's right gender: rather it is a sense of banality, of ordinary living day to do."

Your journey is underway, JayCee; you don't need to fight yourself about whether to go or not, you do not need to "prove yourself" to the doctors: for now you can relax knowing that you are moving and will get somewhere in time.

[Rianna Humble]

Slowly is a good way to progress and feel confident the progress will stick. I understand what you say about it not seeming like you are making an effort, because I often have this feeling.

The other day, I was talking to a very close GG friend, in the middle of bewailing that I didn't seem to be going anywhere, so she pointed out some of the signs of my progress since we last had a good chinwag a couple of months ago. My doctor also mentioned how much more feminine I appear and sound compared to when she met my former self.

I don't think we are so much disconnected from what is happening as unaware of how much we are changing for the better. I am sure that you are aware of how your transition affect those who love you even if you are not consciously thinking about that every minute of the day.

[Sally24]

Much like work or everyday things, we just take care of stuff without thinking. I find I have to stop every so often and reflect on how I feel about things and the direction they are going. It's very easy to let momentum carry you forward without even thinking whether that is where you still want to go. It's better than overthinking things all the time but both are extremes.