My wife and I had "the talk"

[Erin Campbell]

Sorry about the lengthy post...

First, let me say that I have been with my wife since we were in high school, and now and we have now officially been together more than half our lives. In our younger and freer days, she would participate in my dressing as a fun little thing to do but as time when on, my dressing got pushed further and further into the closet. I think she thought it was just a phase and as we settled down, it would kind of go away. I think I thought the same thing, but of course, most of us know that it is never just a phase. Over the past couple of years, I found myself dressing on my own without her knowing and coming to the realization that dressing up was more than just a phase for me.

Recently, my wife found a couple of my things I have used to dress up with around the house. After the initial shock and surprise, the "talk" kind of got swept under the carpet and we both moved forward like nothing really happened. At that point, I knew what my wife found would always be in the back of her mind and I didn't want her to have any doubts that I was only dressing alone, so I figured I better explain myself and see what happened.

It should be noted that I was prepared for all possibilities during the talk. I had already made up my mind that if my wife had a real problem with my dressing, I would give it up forever, no matter how hard it would be. Preparing myself for that possibility ahead of time actually made it a bit easier to have the talk because no matter how my wife reacted, her love was more important than anything. Since she participated in my dressing in the past, I was hopeful that she would be at least open to my dressing in private, but I didn't go in with any expectations.

The talk went well. It was a lot more difficult to actually spit the words out of my mouth than I anticipated, but it felt great to get it out in the open. I got the usual questions, "You don't want to be a girl, do you?" and "You're not gay are you?" I tried to explain my feelings and then waited for a reaction. I explained that I would still be the man she has known for all these years and has been married to the past 7 years. However, I do have a different side to me that likes to come out now and again.

Much to my surprise, the reaction was positive. She told me that as my husband she would support me and stand by me no matter what. She wants to have a "dress-up" night very soon and said she would love to see me dressed and would love to do my makeup for me. I still plan on taking things slow. She hasn't decided if she wants to see me fully dressed or not, and I am not pushing anything. At this point, anything is a step in the right direction and I don't want to risk pushing too hard, too fast and turning her off to the notion completely. I think baby steps is probably the best way to go about things and that way I won't risk crossing the line of her acceptance.

So, I am planning on a "girls" night around the house very soon. I'm not sure what to do exactly, and I'm sure it will be a little awkward the first time being dressed around her again but I'm very happy that my wife is supportive and willing to participate at any level she is comfortable. Now that it is out in the open, I feel like a completely new person. I feel like if I am on this site and my wife happens to walk into the room, I don't have to dive across the desk and unplug the monitor just so she doesn't see what I was doing or reading about.

I was kind of hoping the reaction would go that route and knew my wife well enough that it wasn't a complete surprise, yet having that "talk" was a lot tougher than I even anticipated. I do feel like my wife and I are closer now then we were before the talk and as long as I keep myself in check and go at her pace of acceptance, I think we will have an even stronger relationship.

[Sweet Sabrina]

Congratulations It is so hard on yourself when constantly hiding. It wears on you and when you are able to come out to your wife like that a huge burden/weight is lifted. You feel like a new woman. Good luck with the girls night out and enjoy that special time with your special lady

Hugs
Sabrina

[Debra Russell]

I know what you are going through and it means a lot not to hide from your wife-- congratulations on "the talk"...........Debra

[Natalee]

Congrats, It sounds like things worked out pretty well. I agree, even though she kind of "Knew" it is VERY hard to spit it out.

[Ashley Karate]

That's great that it's gone so well for you. Must be a big relief in a lot of ways. I find it's always helpful to keep pointing out that they say that 1 in 20 guys are crossdressers. So it's far from abnormal, if that's the main hangup. That having been said, it's also understandable that since most gg's don't set out to date us and when they find out that's what they've ended up with, there's always a lot of questions to be answered. I've found what helped with breaking it to my SO is that somewhere early on in life, I just really became fascinated with girls and everything that made them different from me. And eventually I got turned on by trying to emulate them.

[BRANDYJ]

Congrats to you! I know it was hard to do, but it will prove to be so worth it. I know you feel like a load is lifted off your back. I wish you luck with this new open and honest future.
I know you did not ask for advice as to what to do on the upcoming "girls" night, but the romantic in me thinks it would be great to have a dozen roses and a card expressing your love and appreciation to preset to your wife. Perhaps a nice candle lit diner for two, then a movie as you sit together on the sofa with her favorite wine or drink. Whatever you do, I hope it proves to be a nice evening for the both of you.

[DonnaT]

Congrats Erin.

Figured out what you might like to do after the dress up? Maybe a nice bottle of wine and a chick flick?

[Dita_B]

Don't fool both yourself and your wife... Her reaction comes from the fact that she loves you and thinks that it's just a phase that will eventually wear off... And you have played along, confirming that it is a phase, but hoping that this is the first step for more to follow...

It's not for nothing that there is a joke around that says that the difference between a crossdresser and a transgender is 3 years... Your wife has married a guy and she is scared that you want to become a girl, which is most probably unacceptable for her... Hence her direct questions...

Crossdressing has your interest and doing it makes you feel good, the motivator for just about everything in life... You have entered a slippery slope from which there is practically no return... Don't fool both yourself and your wife that you can keep this in check... you'll want more and more and more, until your relationship comes to a head...

Be prepared to go this road alone... sad, but true...

Dita xo

[celeste26]

OK now its time for all the rest of us who haven't had "The talk" to get over it and do the right thing. In my own case it was prior to getting serious with my G/f now wife and while it has been an interesting 24 years, the honesty and clarity is well worth it. All of the, now grown, kids know also there are no secrets in our household.

[boardpuppy]

You know your SO best of all however will a romatic dinner be a goood idea. How about a chic feel good movie, pop corn, candy and soda. No expectations just two girl friends sitting, at home, watching some really great movies. But the most important thing is to let her know that her man loves her.
Alice

[Eryn]

It sounds like your talk went as well as can be expected. Now the goal is to keep things progressing in the desired direction. Plan a definite date for that girls night out!

[Stefia S]

Congratulations Erin! I too recently had a much better than expected response from my wife. I didn't realize how much of a burden my hiding my other self from her was, until now. I think our relationship is stronger than ever after me having gotten this out in the opem with my wife. Please PM me if you'd like to compare notes.

[Joanna41]

[QUOTE=Erin_Campbell_OH;
I do feel like my wife and I are closer now then we were before the talk and as long as I keep myself in check and go at her pace of acceptance, I think we will have an even stronger relationship.[/QUOTE]
This was the part I was happiest to read about! Having a stronger relationship because of something you both can share is awesome! My relationship with my fiance is amazing...not just because of being a cd...but that helps. We love each other very much and we have the best of times with Joanna. Best of luck!

Joanna

[Cynthia Anne]

You should be proud of yourself the way you've handled this thus far! Just remember to let her take the lead! And most important push hard not to push her into something that she is not ready for! Congrads and hugs!

[SamanthaS]

I'm glad your wife was so open to your dressing :) Good luck.

[Alice B]

I think it is wonderful that you and your wife truly love each other after so many years togetherand that it is not just a bond of convenance. Having the talk is difficult as many of know, but she has shown acceptance and that is good. Her wanting to participate by doing your make up is even better. Don't be afraid and show her the full Erin. Make it a special night and let things take their own course. Have fun.

[larry]

This does not make a lot of sense. ? She wants to have a "dress-up" night very soon and said she would love to see me dressed and would love to do my makeup for me. I still plan on taking things slow. She hasn't decided if she wants to see me fully dressed or not, and I am not pushing anything

[Brenda456]

I believe you have it right when you talk about taking it slow. Being Able to talk about it is critical. Good luck!

[kendra_gurl]

It's not for nothing that there is a joke around that says that the difference between a crossdresser and a transgender is 3 years...


That quote really is what you called it "a JOKE"

There are plenty of us married for over 40 years who have successfully managed to keep our crossdressing adventures under control after sharing them with our wives and have no intentions of esclating it to ever become more

[kimdl93]

There's alwasy a danger that those of us commenting may project our own experience or misgivings upon others. Still, as Kendra says, there are plenty of us who have managed to keep both a happy marriage (12 years here) and cross dressing actively. I truly believe that since your wife has responded positively to the honest and open communication , and taking it a step furhter, suggests a dress up night, then there is every rational reason to beleive that you can incorporate this part of yourself successfully into your marriage. I also really beleive that the key is to relax and allow her to enjoy sharing in this part of you!

[DeSkirt]

I think it's great to be able to communicate with your wife on such a sensitive subject like you have.
I hope every thing works out good for both of you.

[Kitsune]

Don't fool both yourself and your wife... Her reaction comes from the fact that she loves you and thinks that it's just a phase that will eventually wear off... And you have played along, confirming that it is a phase, but hoping that this is the first step for more to follow...

It's not for nothing that there is a joke around that says that the difference between a crossdresser and a transgender is 3 years... Your wife has married a guy and she is scared that you want to become a girl, which is most probably unacceptable for her... Hence her direct questions...

Crossdressing has your interest and doing it makes you feel good, the motivator for just about everything in life... You have entered a slippery slope from which there is practically no return... Don't fool both yourself and your wife that you can keep this in check... you'll want more and more and more, until your relationship comes to a head...

Be prepared to go this road alone... sad, but true...

Dita xo



It's been 20 years since I told my wife. From the very beginning she accepted my little quirk -- although at the time it was a huge, fraught issue for me -- and CDing has been a fun part of our life together ever since.

I've never wanted to become a woman. I have no femme alter-ego. I just love to dress. The "talk" marked the beginning of an increasingly fulfilling period in our relationship. My superb wife's acceptance was a turning point in my life; it put an end to many years of self-doubt and anxiety.

So forgive me, Dita, but I think you may be making the mistake of judging others from your own experience. Everyone is different.

[UNDERDRESSER]

It's been 20 years since I told my wife. From the very beginning she accepted my little quirk -- although at the time it was a huge, fraught issue for me -- and CDing has been a fun part of our life together ever since.

I've never wanted to become a woman. I have no femme alter-ego. I just love to dress. The "talk" marked the beginning of an increasingly fulfilling period in our relationship. My superb wife's acceptance was a turning point in my life; it put an end to many years of self-doubt and anxiety.

So forgive me, Dita, but I think you may be making the mistake of judging others from your own experience. Everyone is different.

I agree with this statement. I'm not sure if i would enjoy getting fully dressed, but I know I don't want to lose my male equipment, thank you very much. I have no physical desire to "be" with a man either. Yes, I have considered this back when I wondered if I might be gay, before I came to understand some of what drives our sexuality. I am a man, with male sex drives, but I get a thrill out of female wear, and a desire to get closer to women. Would that I could find a particular female to get closer to.

Erin, congratulations, may it go smooth, and you both have lots of fun. I am quite jealous.

[Erin Campbell]

Congrats to you! I know it was hard to do, but it will prove to be so worth it. I know you feel like a load is lifted off your back. I wish you luck with this new open and honest future.
I know you did not ask for advice as to what to do on the upcoming "girls" night, but the romantic in me thinks it would be great to have a dozen roses and a card expressing your love and appreciation to preset to your wife. Perhaps a nice candle lit diner for two, then a movie as you sit together on the sofa with her favorite wine or drink. Whatever you do, I hope it proves to be a nice evening for the both of you.

That is an excellent idea Brandy, and hope you don't mind if I steal that one :) I love the thought of giving her some flowers with a card expressing my appreciation of her and her understanding. Thanks for the awesome idea and the kind words too!

[karlas dream]

Don't fool both yourself and your wife... Her reaction comes from the fact that she loves you and thinks that it's just a phase that will eventually wear off... And you have played along, confirming that it is a phase, but hoping that this is the first step for more to follow...

It's not for nothing that there is a joke around that says that the difference between a crossdresser and a transgender is 3 years... Your wife has married a guy and she is scared that you want to become a girl, which is most probably unacceptable for her... Hence her direct questions...

Crossdressing has your interest and doing it makes you feel good, the motivator for just about everything in life... You have entered a slippery slope from which there is practically no return... Don't fool both yourself and your wife that you can keep this in check... you'll want more and more and more, until your relationship comes to a head...

Be prepared to go this road alone... sad, but true...

Dita xo



Wow how nasty can one be, I feel sorry if this happened to you but not everyone is the same... please take no notice to Dita what you have done is very brave and.. love always conquers all... I had the talk to my other half and we are now stronger than we ever was

[mercterr]

Congratulations! Very cool that your wife is so supporting. Be careful to take your queues from her as to what is slow. I thought I was taking it slow but managed to set any progress with my wife back to square one because she had a much different take on "slow". You and your wife are already light years ahead of us but be careful to go at her pace. The temptation to forge ahead with wild and exuberant abandon is strong. Good luck and I wish you continued happiness and success with your marriage.

[Bailey420]

That must be awesome! You're a very lucky person :)

[Pythos]

Good job to both of you. It is too bad this part of you had been pushed into the closet. I do wonder what it was that compelled you to do that though. Your wife may wonder that too. I hope things go well for you and your wife.

[Erin Campbell]

Good job to both of you. It is too bad this part of you had been pushed into the closet. I do wonder what it was that compelled you to do that though. Your wife may wonder that too. I hope things go well for you and your wife.


I think it was just one of those things that happened. We had moved from "dating" to marriage and the whole "playtime" dynamic changes quite a bit between the two. As we were adjusting to life as a married couple, we had other priorities and my dressing just wasn't ever at the top of the list. As time went and our marriage matured, it kind of got to the point where it had been so long that I had dressed in front of her, it became difficult to bring it up again.

You're right though, after our talk, I'm sure there was a question as to why it had been so long before it came up again, but that is all behind us now. Thankfully, she is accepting of it to a point where she is comfortable and over time we will see where things go.

[steph1964]

Congratulations. I recently came out to my wife and although she has been way more accepting than I could have hoped, it has still been a bit of a roller coaster. We have set boundaries, talked a lot, taken it slow and still managed to have a couple of misunderstandings. Talk about everything and make sure you don't move too fast. It is very easy for a loving, accepting wife to be overwhelmed and put on the brakes. My wife joined the forum and we have had several good discussions. I would highly recommend the "Now I Like It, Now I Don't" post in the loved ones section. I have tried to link it below. My wife thought it was a very helpful post.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?12890-Now-I-Like-It-Now-I-Don-t

[suchacutie]

congratulations and I hope you and your wife continue to have fun with this newly-opened part of you!

Dita, I must agree with those who have said that some of us do not want to move from part-time to full-time as our femme selves. I really enjoy both of my genders and would be unhappy to lose either of them!

tina

[angies GG]

Congratulations. I recently came out to my wife and although she has been way more accepting than I could have hoped, it has still been a bit of a roller coaster. We have set boundaries, talked a lot, taken it slow and still managed to have a couple of misunderstandings. Talk about everything and make sure you don't move too fast. It is very easy for a loving, accepting wife to be overwhelmed and put on the brakes. My wife joined the forum and we have had several good discussions. I would highly recommend the "Now I Like It, Now I Don't" post in the loved ones section. I have tried to link it below. My wife thought it was a very helpful post.

I think that having a strong marriage and being willing to do anything for the marriage is key to making this work. It is sometimes hard because you are always looking out for each others feelings and don't want to hurt the other. Sometimes we end up second guessing our decisions because we care so much for each other. I really think that taking things slowly and letting me set the pace has helped me feel more comfortable and actually move at a pace faster than either of us had expected. Good Luck to you both!

[angies GG]

That is an excellent idea Brandy, and hope you don't mind if I steal that one :) I love the thought of giving her some flowers with a card expressing my appreciation of her and her understanding. Thanks for the awesome idea and the kind words too!

Just from my point of view, which every one is different... I think a romantic evening and card/flowers are a great idea. It is great to know that our (gg/so) acceptance is appreciated, however for me at least at this point I like to keep the romance and the CDing separated. We have shared a bottle of wine together while he was dressed and the other thing we did was a more casual (nighties and nail polish) night watching a chick flick.
Your wife may not feel the same way I do, but I just wanted to give my two cents.
Oh, and I also still like to see the MAN I married when in guy mode. It is important especially in the beginning to keep the manly side present too. But do have fun dressing with her and please take it slow.

[linda allen]

It's not for nothing that there is a joke around that says that the difference between a crossdresser and a transgender is 3 years... Your wife has married a guy and she is scared that you want to become a girl, which is most probably unacceptable for her... Hence her direct questions...

Crossdressing has your interest and doing it makes you feel good, the motivator for just about everything in life... You have entered a slippery slope from which there is practically no return... Don't fool both yourself and your wife that you can keep this in check... you'll want more and more and more, until your relationship comes to a head...

I don't believe that statement applies to everyone or even most crossdressers. I have been crossdressing for over 50 years and while I sometimes daydream about having a female body, I've never thought about becoming a female or even living as one while keeping my male parts.

To the OP, it's great that you are "out" to your wife and she that appears to accept your dressing. Go slow and be sure to let her know how much you love and appreciate her.

[Tina B.]

We had "the talk" 35 years ago, I still am a cross dresser after 61 years cross dressing, and still have not found that 3 years, fear of becoming a Transsexual seem over rated if you are not TS to Begin with. As far as the wife, we are about to celebrate 40 years of marriage and it's all been good. I have never regretted tell her all about me, it has made my life a lot better, and she feels that I have full faith in her and our love for each other. It can work very well as many of us here that have come out to our wifes have shown. I wish you and yours the best, and with love and mutual understanding, I'm sure you will find it.
Tina B.

[PretzelGirl]

Congrats Erin! It sounds like you are doing a great job in handling this. Keep the faith that good things will result.

As far as awkward things, I agree. It took a little while before I could dress in front of my wife and even longer to put forms in and take them out. It was a hang-up in my head only, but it was there. So keep it slow. She doesn't have to be a part of everything out of the gate. If something feels awkward, it isn't a bad thing to set it aside for another time. There is plenty of time for adjustments for both of you.

[anonymousinmaryland]

Looks like the number "7" is still lucky. Best wishes to the both of you.

[ReineD]

Erin, I'm so pleased to read that things are going well. Chalk this up to yet another instance of marriages that continue to grow once the husband is honest with the CDing. :) :hugs:



Dita, in another post you said that you are a psychologist. I'm surprised to read that you are assuming everyone will follow your own particular experience. I hope this is not a case of professional tunnel vision:

1."Her reaction comes from the fact that she loves you and thinks that it's just a phase that will eventually wear off".
You actually don't know Erin's wife, nor do you know what she is feeling. I've spoken to hundreds of women here over the years, plus I've read thousands more threads from CDs who are happily married to know there are many wives who accept and support their husbands' femimine sides, as long as there is no covert behavior.

2. "It's not for nothing that there is a joke around that says that the difference between a crossdresser and a transgender is 3 years"
You are assuming that most, if not all CDs will follow your path to transition. This is wholly inaccurate. I don't know why so many TSs say this. I can only explain it away as an inability to acknowledge a state of being different than their own.

3. "You have entered a slippery slope from which there is practically no return... Don't fool both yourself and your wife that you can keep this in check... you'll want more and more and more, until your relationship comes to a head... "
Again, you are using your own experience as a predictor for Erin. Please read all the threads and posts in this forum from CDs who do find a balance with the CDing and happiness in their marriages, and also from the thousands of CDs who have no wish to transition.

Actually, you need only read the responses to your comments in this thread. :straightface:

[Jenny Beth]

So, I am planning on a "girls" night around the house very soon. I'm not sure what to do exactly, and I'm sure it will be a little awkward the first time being dressed around her again but I'm very happy that my wife is supportive and willing to participate at any level she is comfortable.

Just a suggestion but in my early days of dressing my wife and I had a specific "girls night" where we'd both get all dolled up in nice dresses, heels and hose and sometimes even do our nails. It was always a Sunday night and we'd make a nice dinner and set the table with a fancy tablecloth and use our best dinnerware and silver and most of the time we'd have candles and flowers on the table. We haven't done that for a while, it was always a bit of a production and my wife really doesn't care to get that dolled up anymore but it was great fun.

[Erin Campbell]

Just from my point of view, which every one is different... I think a romantic evening and card/flowers are a great idea. It is great to know that our (gg/so) acceptance is appreciated, however for me at least at this point I like to keep the romance and the CDing separated. We have shared a bottle of wine together while he was dressed and the other thing we did was a more casual (nighties and nail polish) night watching a chick flick.
Your wife may not feel the same way I do, but I just wanted to give my two cents.


That is very good advice, and I fully expect to go the same direction at first. I kind of plan on keeping romance separate from the dressing and definitely plan on it the first time through. I do like the idea of preparing a nice meal for her though, with a card and flowers to show her how much I appreciate her. Then, we will see what happens and go from there.

[Misti]

Congrats Erin! It sounds like you are doing a great job in handling this. Keep the faith that good things will result.... If something feels awkward, it isn't a bad thing to set it aside for another time. There is plenty of time for adjustments for both of you. :daydreaming:

Thank you everyone, especially the GG's; I've taken a great deal away from each of the posts, and it is all "Good," believe you me! :battingeyelashes:

Best of luck to you all! :love:

[maturegirlrobin]

Just wanted to make a quick comment.
We are ALL diffrerent and our relationships with our significant others is also different. I don't know of any marriages that actually broke up because of a man who is reasonable with his crossdressing life and doesn't hide it from his spouse. Women love honest men and even if its difficult to do, in my opinion they will respect their mate for telling them about "her" crossdressing side. In other words, if its a good marriage it will remain that way. That doesn't mean the spouse wiull be thrilled and glad you dress like a woman. My wife of 34 years has never seen me dressed or whats to see me dressed, but she knows ALL about that side of me. She "tolerates" in her own way AND I don't over-due it or , and this is VERY important , I do NOT ask her permission. Why should you have to apologize for something you like. Be very open if possible, listen to her, but also listen to your own heart !