Disappointment with therapist

[Carvery Carly]

I went to see the therapist today (Thurs 11th).
I don't think it went as well as expected.
Apparently, I didn't show enough passion about my feelings.
Therapist thinks I'm on verge of cross dresser rather than a TS. Don't think so.
I think it was more to do with nerves than anything. (probably a lame excuse).
I tried explaining that whenever I wear femme clothes etc that I hate it when I have to go drab again.
I also explained about me self harming my genitalia, and the way I do certain things, like throwing and kicking a ball. Also apparently I run like a girl.
I know that's not the be all and end all of being female, but small things like that help me.

But because, I have a family, she was a bit more hesitant to go any further with me. I was almost in tears.
I'm very disappointed with myself and the therapist.
I should have come across with more compassion and wanting, never minding the loses that may lie ahead.
Dam me!!

However, she did say, she would get in touch with a gender clinic and then get them to contact me.
If and when they do, I now know what I must do to convince them and myself that this is truly what I want.
I must not be so nervous in my answers.
So I suppose I've got to wait again. Just wish there was some way of getting things shifting along quicker.

She also said that she'd get someone from local hospital team to contact me again.
God knows when all that's going to happen.

Love to you all who've had the courage/conviction & passion to go through with what you need/want,
Hopefully one day, I will join you.

[Jay Cee]

It takes time to learn how to communicate. Also, was this your very first appointment re: being TS? It would be natural that you would be nervous and self conscious about expressing your true self.

Is it possible to contact the gender clinic yourself? If so, go for it - get the wheels in motion as soon as possible.

[Carvery Carly]

It takes time to learn how to communicate. Also, was this your very first appointment re: being TS? It would be natural that you would be nervous and self conscious about expressing your true self.

Is it possible to contact the gender clinic yourself? If so, go for it - get the wheels in motion as soon as possible.

Hiya, Jay Cee,
Yes it was my first appointment to see a therapist.
I just hope it wont be my last, just because I didn't express myself properly.

As for contacting a gender clinic, I wouldn't know which one to contact as there are only a few about. Nottingham or Charing Cross are the only ones local to me, I think.

I suppose for now, I've got to carry on living this lie with myself.
Still damming myself as I write this for not being stronger and not being selfish and doing something for myself for a change.
Angry now !!!!!!!

[Aprilrain]

Therapist are human. I had a really shitty one about 5 years ago who definitely sent me crawling back into the closet! On like the 3rd visit she declared me a CDer and told me never to come to our appointments "dressed" because this was not the time to play dress up! I never went back. My current Therapist is great, on the first visit she asked a lot of question and at the end said, "so what do you think you want to do" I sheepishly said, "I think i need to transition". She said OK and then explained the HBSOC and how she would be following those guidelines. Tomorrow I am getting my name changed to April and haven't felt this free and alive in a very long time!
Good luck

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i'm sorry you feel poorly..

i don't know the UK system, the therapist and clinic only control certain things...yes i know they are really important things...but your own reaction to what happened is a good jumping off point for you...."they" can't tell you anything ..

this setback forces you to focus on things you can control...what is it that you can do now to move forward? answer this for yourself and then do it... and then you will have something to talk about next time you get a chance..

[Melody Moore]

Hi Carly,

Maybe you should have come across with more compassion & wanting, but 'yes' you do have to mind the loses or
your therapist might think you are too being irrational & that haven't given any thought to any issues you might face.

From what you have said it sounds like you went to your appointment presenting as a male & just talk about how
you felt when you were 'dressed'. Being transsexual is not about the dressing, being transsexual is about having
a gender identity disorder that causes you feel uncomfortable with your body due to your biological birth sex.
You didn't show any signs of being ready for anything such as HRT because you did not address any of the key
issues in your life that might have a huge impact on you. Such as dealing with family friends etc & how you would
cope with things like rejection or discrimination etc., is what they are most interested in because these will be issues
you will be facing in transition.

I know our systems are very different between the UK & Australia, but let me share how things went for me
when I demonstrated to the staff at my local gender clinic who I truly was & why I was the most suitable
candidate for transition & going on hormone therapy. The first doctor was fairly convinced about me, but
she wanted me to come back & see their other doctor just to be sure. So I got my prescriptions after my
second visit to see the second doctor who also assessed my suitability for therapy a bit over a week later.

First of all I presented to both of the doctors as a female and both times I appeared to them as someone
who was very comfortable & confident in my role as a female. Both doctors were also wondering if I was
already on hormone therapy and if I had been having facial hair removal like laser or electrolysis. To which
I answered 'no' at first but also explained that I was using other ways to get rid of my facial hair. So they do
want to see you starting to make some effort if this is what you truly want - this reaffirms your compassion.

When I talked about the psychological aspects of my GID, I went back briefly into my childhood & explained
to them how the issues I had with my same-sex peers & how that all made me feel & how that impacted on
how I formed relationships with other people. I only briefly mentioned about my discomfort with my male type
anatomy, but said it was something I felt all my life that I needed to change. I talked about my fears and the
ways that I was learning to overcome them, I mentioned my family & how I was already 'out' to them but had
been rejected, but was coping OK with all of that. I told them I was fully aware of the side effects of hormones
& identified all of them, but told them that I was prepared to accept all the risk to be the person I truly am.

These are the types of things the clinical staff will want to know about because this will show them how well
prepared you are for this type of difficult journey. So sometimes if you disagree with their appraisal, then you
have to work out why they felt that way & be more concise in identifying all your issues & knowing your needs.

I left no doubt in the mind of both of the doctors so I was put on hormones within a bit over week from my first
visit. But I also found out that if I didn't demonstrate that I was rational in my decisions, then they would have
referred me on to see their clinical pyschologist who would have then worked with me to assess my suitability for
treatment. But because I wasn't nervous and had so much conviction about my decision I was fast-tracked into
treatment. However having said that I do understand totally why you were so scared & nervous and why it might
have been difficult for you to find your focus & express yourself properly. So please don't beat yourself up over that.

Another thing I don't like about this psychologist is the fact that they have summed you up from only one brief meeting.
So I would be trying to find another one who specialises in dealing with transgendered people. Going to your local gender
clinic would put you in contact with the best people to help you. But I know that there is a long wait for these things in
the UK. But hang in there - use this time to start preparing yourself properly without rushing in unprepared & ready to
take on this difficult journey. Like Kaitlyn said, use this to focus on the things you can control. Just remember we are
here as well to support you and answer anymore questions you might have. So next time you go and see them, they
will have less reservations about putting you onto therapy.
I hope this helps :hugs:

[arbon]

Sorry it did not go as well as you had wished. Like Kaitlyn said focus on what you can do. Don't give up, it's all really just starting your going to have to be persistent and convince them that you are serious if it is what you believe that you need.

[Jay Cee]

Hiya, Jay Cee,
Yes it was my first appointment to see a therapist.
I just hope it wont be my last, just because I didn't express myself properly.

As for contacting a gender clinic, I wouldn't know which one to contact as there are only a few about. Nottingham or Charing Cross are the only ones local to me, I think.

I suppose for now, I've got to carry on living this lie with myself.
Still damming myself as I write this for not being stronger and not being selfish and doing something for myself for a change.
Angry now !!!!!!!

Why give up already, lass? If you feel that you need help, then chase it down. Go find another counsellor. Know that these things are going to take time.

As for the gender clinics, contact both of them. Waiting for referrals sucks - sometimes you just have to do it yourself.

Don't lose hope, Carly. Grab the bull by the horns and take control.

[Alexiz]

Therapist are human. I had a really shitty one about 5 years ago who definitely sent me crawling back into the closet! On like the 3rd visit she declared me a CDer and told me never to come to our appointments "dressed" because this was not the time to play dress up! I never went back. My current Therapist is great, on the first visit she asked a lot of question and at the end said, "so what do you think you want to do" I sheepishly said, "I think i need to transition". She said OK and then explained the HBSOC and how she would be following those guidelines. Tomorrow I am getting my name changed to April and haven't felt this free and alive in a very long time!
Good luck

This is important, I would say. I've not yet met with a therapist in person yet, however I did get into contact with an individual who was completely accepting of whatever it is that I wanted to do.. they emphasized "what I want" the most. I think I was lucky to have someone like this as my first type of.. "professional". I, too, am very afraid of a therapist or psychiatrist or whatever- telling me that I'm not something.

Just keep at it and stay strong... look for others and you'll find a therapist who's right for you, eventually! c:

[Adriennegrl]

I'll be starting w/ mine later this month/early next. I guess what I hope for is someone who will a) not deter me from transitioning b) not talk me into it. I want them to hear my story and give me their honest professional opinion to help me sort this out. Of course many of us go in knowing we want to, some have no question and others just aren't sure. Sounds like you know in your heart.

Not all therapists are created equal, kinda like medical doctors, maybe get a second opinion? Question; I'm new to the therapists thing, why did she tell you you're not a candidate for transition (in her eyes) but still recommend you to a gender clinic?

[Dita_B]

First off: There is no established diagnose for gender disphoria disorder... The therapist and the doctors you have seen are applying their own common sense judgment on you... They are going by the seat of their pants, so to speak...

For your therapist to judge you whether or not you are transgendered is a serious mistake... He or she cannot have a judgment about you because there are no guidelines, as explained above... He, or she should have listened to you and referred you to the qualified people in your system... Such as an endocrinologist... The endo will refer you to a qualified psychologist to test your emotional stability and will report back to your endo, who will than put you on HRT, if you qualify.

Of course it will not help if you appear in drab... A trans will hate to be in drab and will not be able to be forced into drab by some callous therapist, who treated you rude... So the next time when you see a therapist, get up and walk out immediately when they say it's not a dress up game... That comment is rude, humiliating and way out of line...

You should inform yourself whether or not the therapist of your choice has experience with transgendered issues... You can start with your GP and/or search Google for therapist reviews... or inform yourself by others who have gone before you...

I know that in the UK the process is very long... you'll have to get into the Charing Cross Gender Identity Clinic to get your case going... From friends in the UK I have learned that there are shortcuts to get into the system through a fast track backdoor system, but you'll have to pay for it... There are medical doctors, who, for a fee, get you in the system quicker...

I wish you luck in your further endeavors...

:love: Dita xo

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Carly, I'm sorry it didn't go well. If I have understood that was your psych screening. The main thing that you need out of that is that she does not think that you are suffering from some form of mental disease or defect, although it would have been helpful for her to agree that you need to see the Gender Clinic.

I would recommend that you make another appointment with your GP as soon as possible and tell him/her that you feel the psych appointment went badly and that she seemed not to understand how desperate you are to becom ethe womnan you have always known you are. However, there is one positive in that she wants the local team to contact you again, so it seems she is not ruling out the possibility that you need to be referred to whichever GIC your local Primary Care Trust works with.

In some ways I hope you get referred to Nottingham rather than Charing Cross because although they are much stricter about how and when you do your RLE, it does seem to be easier to get appointments with them. Don't forget I waited 48 weeks for Charing Cross and my 2nd appointment isn't until December :cry:

[Nigella]

Carly, as you should know the routes we follow as TSs are very different to our cousins from around the world.

I can understand your frustration at things not going the way you hoped when you had your appointment with the psychiatrist. I shall, to the best of my knowledge, guide you through the stages you may have to follow, this is based on my own recent experience.

I first saw my GP to discuss being Transgendered, please note I have said transgendered not transsexual. I knew where I was on the spectrum, however, I did not want anyone to be swayed by my self-diagnosis.

My GP referred me to a local psychiatrist at the local Mental Health Unit. The purpose of this was to ascertain if there were any other issues that had an effect on the way I was feeling. The local psychiatrist will not determine if you are TS or not, they do not have the expertise for that.

You should make arrangements to see your GP, they will get the results of your consultation with the psychiatrist. Once you have discussed that, then you will know where you need to go.

I don’t think that you will get any information from the local GIC because they will not work without a referral by your PCT. Your PCT will be doing the funding for any “treatment” you have regarding your transgenderism.

The road you will need to follow will not be straight, there will be sidetracks, stay focused, remain realistic, but above all else, remember you know who you are.

[Melody Moore]

On the subject about the quality of therapists I was seeing a male clinical pyschologist way back in the mid to
late 1990s and even though I didn't come out to them about my GID, I did drop plenty of hints about it during
my counselling sessions but my pyschologist didn't pick up on the fact I suffered GID from the things I told him.

At the time I was very hesitant to come out and tell them I felt like I was a female, because there was no
information really available back then that might make me feel that it was OK to talk about such things. I had
the belief at that time if I told them anything I would be branded as being sick, perverted & mentally insane.
So I was dropping clues everywhere to this guy but without coming out & saying that I felt I was a transsexual.

I told my current pyschologist about this and told her the same things I told this other stupid pyschologist &
she could not believe that he overlooked one of the biggest clues that I gave him that signalled that I might
have been a transsexual. At the time the male pyschologist I was seeing suggested that I needed to do some
work on 'male bonding' and my reply was "Why? because I feel that other males don't understand me" and he
made no attempt to investigate why I felt that way. But I did also tell this idiot how I was a loner & stuck in a
place that was somewhere in between being male & female & where noone understood me and that I felt alone
& stuck in a type of "no man's land" where I felt that I wasn't being understood my anyone. He made no attempt
to find out why I felt this way.

My current pyschologist told me that as soon as I said that it would have had her alarm bells ringing. But she also
pointed out that psychology was very different back then and they didn't do any training in learning how to deal
with transgender issues during their studies as they do today. So there are some differences in the quality of
pyschologist that are still out there working today - I will be glad when some of these old farts retire seriously! :battingeyelashes:

So maybe the age and/or the experience of your psychologist has something to do with it as well. So if you are
seeing a private pyschologist outside of a gender clinic then it might pay to find one who is a bit younger and at
least might have some transgender experience. This should be one of the questions you should ask the receptionist
when you call them up with your enquiry & book your appointment - find out if they have the necessary experience
& knowledge in dealing with transgendered people. or you might feel better bashing your head into a solid brick wall.

[Carvery Carly]

Thank you all for your input. Much appreciated.
I will try and be strong and get my issues resolved.
I know I've waited 40ish years to get things moving, but now I want to move things along quicker.
Impatient bitch!!

Hopefully I will get a letter to see, either a Gender Identity Clinic or a therapist at my local hospital again, soon.
I've asked for any letters that I going to get relating to my GID, be sent to my works address, as I'm at work more than I am at home.
What I'm asking is - should I tell my boss (female), that I'll be having letters from the NHS sent there? (She lives in - my works is a Public House (Bar/Restaurant.)
I know that at this stage, I don't have to tell her what their about, but do you think I should?

[TerryTerri]

Carly, my 2 cents on this. You mentioned you were getting reffered to a gender clinic. Perhaps the therapist you saw was not experienced or educated enough to understand and they are 'punting' you to a better qualified place to diagnose and treat you.
Just my thoughts based on your OP.

Regardless, Good Luck!!!!

[arbon]

I know that at this stage, I don't have to tell her what their about, but do you think I should?

Not knowing anything about your relationship with her, my first thought is why tell her unless there is a real need to?

[karlas dream]

Hi Hun

Just noticed you are only about 20 minuets from me, have you ever tried Gender matters in Wolverhampton, I will be going here soon to see a counsellor, I do hope all goes well for you x

http://www.gender-matters.org.uk/

[Kathryn Martin]

I have a number of concerns over this discussion as it has unfolded. Carly, you went to a therapist who is a gender specialist is that correct? Reading the discussion here is somewhat unreal. No one seems to consider, that this therapist who is being seen for his/her expertise might be right. Carly wanted an assessment and that is what she got but the results are not what she expected. Being a person with a transsexual condition is not a matter of passion but a matter of need to fix the disparity between a female brain and a male body.

The road of transition is littered with people who attempted to transition because they insisted to go down that road therapeutic advice to the contrary. This is not a matter of "knowing what to do" when you go next time. Being a woman does not consist of hating men clothing, or throwing a ball like a girl, millions of men throw a ball in a girly way or run like a girl, that does not make them female. Women are not women because they wear women clothing.

The decision to transition has the most wide ranging and far reaching consequences for your life. Much commentary on your post presumes that the therapist was incorrect in her assessment. But would you really make a decision like this based on a chorus of peers none of which know you in person and have no way to assess, quite apart from not being experts, or someone who is educated to deal with these matters.

Carly, be careful.

[Beth-Lock]

First therapist I went to told me I was just a cross-dresser. Next therapist, told me I was transgendered, and starting my transition was the best thing to do. (In fact I had alreadys strted on my own by then.) But I had lost several valuable years. I think what you are told depends an awful lot on which therapist you see.

[karlas dream]

Being a woman does not consist of hating men clothing, or throwing a ball like a girl, millions of men throw a ball in a girly way or run like a girl, that does not make them female. Women are not women because they wear women clothing.


I agree 100% with what Kathryn has said in the above comment, and I love the way she put it :)

[Rianna Humble]

I have a number of concerns over this discussion as it has unfolded. Carly, you went to a therapist who is a gender specialist is that correct? Reading the discussion here is somewhat unreal. No one seems to consider, that this therapist who is being seen for his/her expertise might be right. Carly wanted an assessment and that is what she got but the results are not what she expected. Being a person with a transsexual condition is not a matter of passion but a matter of need to fix the disparity between a female brain and a male body.

Kathryn, given that Carly is going down the NHS route in the UK, it is highly unlikely that the appointment will have been with a specialised Gender Therapist.

The object of the first referral from her GP will have been as stated by both Nigella and myself, to screen against other mental conditions that could affect the way that Carly was feeling. Although the psychiatrist will not necessarily be an expert on Gender Therapy, she will need to understand the level of dysphoria being experienced by Carly - something that Carly has already said she probably understated. It is in that context that I suggested that she discuss the appointment with her GP and Carly's feeling that the psychiatrist did not seem to appreciate how strongly Carly feels.

The advice from those of us who have first hand experience of how the NHS route works was to go back and talk this through with her GP - that was good advice for Carly's situation. It is her GP, based on discussion with Carly and on the psych reports who will apply to the Primary Care Trust for funds to treat Carly - including referral to a specialised Gender Identity Clinic where she will indeed be seen by people who are qualified Gender therapists.

Rereading the original post, I don't think that it was as bad as Carly thought since the psychiatrist mentioned the possibility of her contacting the GIC directly on Carly's behalf without waiting for the GP's intervention.