Going out of my mind

[Jskylar]

I have a long complicated story for you guys.

I'm on a gap year, I met a girl she is mad about me, she knows I'm transgender she said she would always support me.

In my home country I have a boyfreind. We have a really special link and I would feel so heart broken to loose him and hurt him. But he only wants a woman and I was really depressed before I left.

I don't know what to do. Recently my best friend has been crying because she wants me, I have never said I would be anything more than a friend to her, she knows this. She doesn't even realise I am thinking about admitting my love to her. I love two people. I think I want the boyfriend more but only with a masculine body not as a woman.
What the hell am I to do. I feel like I'm going crazy.

[mistunderstood]

Ok first if you would like to join the club house you can just send me a request to join. The club house is more private only approved people get in plus it is only for Male ID'ing people even if you part time on that. Second sounds like you might want to think about getting some help from some one who will listen and not judge you like a counsellor or teacher or any one who will listen and be true to helping you sort this out. You have a lot to look at. Like how important being a guy is to you are you willing to lose every thing you have know to be true to who you are. Are you going to do this in the open or hide and do it part time? How far to you want to change you body? Who are you really? Is this really you and know a passing fade. I only bring those questions not to freak you out but just to get you looking at things you might not have thought up. When I came out full time there was so much I thought I knew but when the questions started to come up I had to answer them one by one and just when I thought my answers were complete I realised they were not. Like before I came out I thought I was gay but I soon realised I was bi-sexual. The one thing you need to look at is that this is not a black and white answer it is all kinds of shades of grey and no one can say if you are one gender or not. The answers will always be your personal answers and do not let any one pigeon hole you into something you feel is wrong for you. This is going to be a journey for you surround your self with people who will be honest with you even if you do not like the answer.

[Andy66]

So you're saying your boyfriend only wants you if you're feminine? How long do you think you could live that way, before you start to feel oppressed and resentful?

[Jskylar]

Thankyou so much for all the advice.
Yeah I am a bit resentful.
This isn't an instant thing ,I thought I would give myself a year to decide if I was transgender It ended up being 2 years because I never had the nerve to change anything.
I'm not sure what to do.
I am temped to go androgynous and stay with the bf as I hold him so close and I really doubt I will meet anyone like him again.
My best friend has complicated issues, for instance she has a baby which is sick and it might not be a good idea for us to get together even if we did like each other.

I actually told him today and he says I can stay with him as a girl or leave as a guy and be friends. I also told my best friend and she has now come out the closet which I didn't expect AT ALL.

[mistunderstood]

Life can be funny some times well to be honest life can be a B@tch slap. The key is be honest with your-self and what you want. I think this is very important step, at least to me. When I knew I was different I did not date because I did not want to hurt the other person with my mixed up mind at the time. I knew I was more into girls than guys and I thought that made me a lesbian. Well I was wrong about that. I had to search on the Internet to find out what I really was I am trans-gendered. Some thing to think about sexual expression can be different than what gender you think you are. I think of my-self as bi-curious but I am also a guy. In the beginning I thought I was strait guy. The more questions you ask of your-self the better it will be. Most of the guys here have been were you are now. Feel free to ask away. Some guys are shy about posting in the open section and some things are better left in a more quite sections. Please ask if you need help I am on all the time.

[DanielMacBride]

Short answer to everything you have written is that you can only really survive by being true to yourself. If your bf only wants a girl, then I'm sorry to say that if you don't identify as female, he is going to end up not being your bf any more. You can't live a lie to be with someone, it's unfair on both you and them to pretend to be something you're not, and if you're dying inside, you can't give anything useful to a relationship and shouldn't be in it if it requires you to be someone you are not. As for saying you won't meet anyone like the bf again, don't make assumptions - I'm walking proof that life throws you some freaking AWESOME curveballs in that respect, I had a run for years of crap gfs who couldn't deal with who I am (and not just for my gender) but when I got to the point where I honestly thought I'd be single till I die, I met Sara and the rest, as they say, is history ;) Give yourself some credit, take some time to figure out who you are comfortable being and find someone who is willing to accept who you ARE, not who they want you to be. Partners who can do that ARE out there, you just have to be picky about finding them and not do yourself a huge disservice by settling for what you currently have because you think it's all you CAN have. Honestly, for me, Sara is WAY more than I imagined I could ever have in a partner - she's 100% straight bio girl and accepts me absolutely as male, no questions whatsoever about my identity and no funny stuff around who she thinks I should be. She knows who I am and loves me for that, rather than settling for something that doesn't suit her and hoping to change it (and that goes both ways). Don't make the mistake of thinking you can hang onto someone who wants you as your birth sex - you might make the ride of transition or of expressing your maleness, but they will NOT make it with you, trust me on that. Just take a couple of deep breaths and some time out to decide what you REALLY want and whether it's compatible with what your bf wants (or the best friend) before you make any decisions you might regret.

[brylram]

Everyone is unique, but even moreso everyone is the same. The more relationships I have, and the more casual dates I have gone on, the more I've discovered that everyone has (on average) an equal amount of things to like or dislike about them, and only the particulars change (and therefore how well they'll work with you). I'm fairly certain that if you left your boyfriend, sorted your own issues out, and then dated other people, you would quickly discover he's not as special as you think he is. Doesn't mean he's a bad or unworthy person in any way, just that he is probably quite average and simply held higher or seen more in-depth by you than other similar people you are surrounded by every day.

So imagine finding someone that you liked as much as your boyfriend, but who doesn't try to restrict or deny the most fundamental truths about you. Also consider that trying to restrict you in that way is very UN-special of him, and is actually abusive (whether he means it to be or not) because if you are transgender then you are being kept from having the basic strengths and security of self that most people are permitted from birth... no matter how special he is, he's not worth that.

You're not going to have a truly healthy and satisfying relationship until you deal with your own issues first, and it seems to achieve that you might need to be alone for a bit.