Social Suicide?

[Intertwined]

I hope I am not about to commit social suicide, my wife is REAL angry, she went through my facebook Family members (not friends) and told most of them I am a cross dresser, then un-friended them.

About half of my Family knew this, and Most of my friends do. I am thinking the best thing for me to do is just Explain myself in an OPEN post…

Since Facebook posts are short, I am going to need to keep it short, I was think of something like this - - " I am Genderqueer, what you would call a cross dresser, this is my problem, and if you have a problem with it, I understand. Please do not take it out on my family. "

[Pythos]

Wait...your wife did not know you were a CD, or gender queer? How could she not know, especially since your place of employment does?

Or was she going after members of your family and friends that have been rude to you or something.

[Sara Jessica]

Why define it as a problem???

This is my...

"issue"
"thing"
"essence"
"enlightenment that you could never hope to understand"

Regardless, best of luck...that was a pretty mean thing she did.

[Lorileah]

the marital issue is just wrong that she went through YOUR Facebook, but that aside I would post like you said and I am sure the ones who care will understand

[Eryn]

Definitely change your facebook password! :eek:

Be careful of the words you use. We understand "genderqueer" but the mainstream population will view it as pejorative. As Sara Jessica said, why define your orientation as a problem? You are who you are and getting defensive only inspires hateful acts.

[VioletJourney]

Don't make a big deal out of it. Why not just add Crossdressing your interests, and if anyone questions you, just ask what the big deal is?

[Intertwined]

Wait...your wife did not know you were a CD, or gender queer? How could she not know, especially since your place of employment does?

Or was she going after members of your family and friends that have been rude to you or something.

She has known for years, just recently, it seams to be a thorn in her side, today, more like a sword. She knew NOT everyone knows, she made sure all know by messaging them from HER account and unfriending them from her account. I can't get a reason why from her right now.


Why define it as a problem???
Good Idea..


Definitely change your facebook password! :eek:

Be careful of the words you use. We understand "genderqueer" but the mainstream population will view it as pejorative. As Sara Jessica said, why define your orientation as a problem? You are who you are and getting defensive only inspires hateful acts.

As I said, she did this from HER account, leaving me at a crossroads of, next step?


Don't make a big deal out of it. Why not just add Crossdressing your interests, and if anyone questions you, just ask what the big deal is?

Thank you Violet, that might be the better way to go...

I need to add.. I have 2 Facebook accounts, Marshall & Marsha, I had done this for the people that were uncomfortable with me being, well, me... the ones that are uncomfortable with it only friend Marshall, the others freind BOTH.

[Ashley Allison]

It's funny how the ones we love can hurt us so bad. :(

[Intertwined]

This is how Marsha's profile has Always read:

My internal gender identity is essentially androgynous, both male and female at the same time or genderqueer.

For me, being genderqueer means, embracing both, the masculine and feminine. Although masculine and feminine are opposites, they are also complementary, opposing forces that are always seeking a balance with each other, they are two aspects of one, single reality.

I do not try to look like a female, I try to mix the masculine and feminine looks to come up with my own unique look. This unique look matches how I feel inside.

Each person's self-defined gender identity is integral to their personality and is one of the most basic aspects of self-expression, dignity and freedom.

To achieve a solid self worth, there comes a time when it becomes necessary to be open about that self.

In order to feel good about myself, I need to claim the same freedom that most humans take for granted, "The Freedom to simply EXIST, as Myself, OPENLY".

This above all; to thine own self be true.

-----------------------------------------------

This is the emotional rollercoaster I have been on for months... My wife just asked to borrow my nail polish remover and nail polish to re-do her own nails... I don't know whether I am coming or going anymore..?

[Jeannie]

I feel bad for you. I don't understand why someone has to resort to public display of ones personal life to try to get back at someone. It seems childish to me. I think the advice you have been given here is good advice. See things like this are the main reason Jeannie doesn't have a Facebook page. Instead I have this forum and since I consider everyone here to be my friends I don't think I need a Facebook page. If anyone needs to talk to me they can send me a message here or go to my profile and look through my messages and you will find my email address. So far it has worked really well because no one but my friends here know that Jeannie even has an email account. I wish you good luck in solving your problem.

[Cherry Lynn]

This is the emotional rollercoaster I have been on for months... My wife just asked to borrow my nail polish remover and nail polish to re-do her own nails... I don't know whether I am coming or going anymore..?
Would your wife be going through menopause by any chance? My ex acted the same way when she went through it.

[Intertwined]

Would your wife be going through menopause by any chance? My ex acted the same way when she went through it.

That started 9 months ago.. Yep.. just about the same time, and now she just insisted I have a couple of bites of her sushi, but I couldn't do it myself, she fed me with chop sticks... This is going to drive me sane...? insane..? ah.. which ever one I am not now...!

[Shelly67]

IF it were me in the same position , I'd firstly sit back , relax and wait for the fireworks - if they start that is .
Give it time , then perhaps ask your partner why she truely felt compelled to behave in such a spiteful manner . Can't the lady communicate properly ??
Either way , try to go about everything concerned on this matter in a calm dignified way if possible . The last thing you need is to put fuel on the fire.........

[Joanna41]

Wow...what a situation to be in. All I can say is that was a hell of a mood swing. Good luck and keep your head down...lol

Joanna

[Kaitlyn26]

My mother did the same thing to me long ago. It was an attempt to shame me from doing it. Makes me sick that my own mother completely stepped over the line at the very beginning and we do not have a relationship anymore. I think you need to reevaluate your marriage. She crossed a pretty big line by doing that and it's not right.

[sissystephanie]

Several others have already said this, but I will say it again!! Do NOT use the term genderqueer anywhere in your facebook page!! That term is very negative and does not describe you at all!! You are a harmonized blend of both male and female, and there is nothing queer about that!! There are an awful lot of us in this world just like that!!

I am sorry your wife is on a rampage, but it may be due to menopause!! Really strange things happen during that time!! Just remember what I said about the wording in your facebook!! Password or not, a lot of people can and will read what you write!! Which is why I don't use facebook at all!

[Kerrie Sifton]

Oh Facebook! The dilemma of a mass social network, and the wreckage it can cause in so few minutes.

I agree about posting the term genderqueer.. how about gender balanced? And with luck your spouse will turn around and ease off trying to embarass you in such a public way.

All the best.

[Sara Jessica]

Several others have already said this, but I will say it again!! Do NOT use the term genderqueer anywhere in your facebook page!! That term is very negative and does not describe you at all!! You are a harmonized blend of both male and female, and there is nothing queer about that!! There are an awful lot of us in this world just like that!!

Genderqueer is a valid term of description within our community. Any perceived negativity is in the eye of the beholder but as far as I know, it is not a term that is patently negative, especially if one using it to describe themselves.

Besides, it sounds a heck of a lot better than genderf*#k!

[Karren H]

I am just amazed how many relationships I've seen unravel on Facebook where I was friends of both sides... I am really glad my wife isn't out there watching me!!

[Barbra P]

I agree with the others on here that have stated that you should avoid “genderqueer” as it is a term that is likely to raise a red-flag. Even though it has five-letters “queer” is a four letter with a derogatory meaning.

Your Wife committed this act, you didn’t and you might want to consider apologizing for your Wife’s behavior. Maybe something like this, “I wish to apologize for my Wife’s behavior regarding the recent fc message. My Wife is going through a particularly difficult time in her life, and I ask that you be both understanding and forgiving.”

This method removes the focus from you and redirects it to your Wife. You do not come off as be vindictive about your Wife’s behavior, quite the opposite you are asking for forgiveness for your Wife. She can hardly complain too much because rather than showing anger you are asking for compassion. I also think that most people getting such a message will think that you come across as one heck of a person, who supports his Wife even in the face of adversity, a mature person obviously in control of their own emotions – somebody I’d like to know and call a friend.

[Annaliese]

I would not put I am a crossdressing, this is my problem. I do not see crossdressing as a problem, some of your family may thing crossdressing is a problem. Genderqueer my not be the best way to describe your self.

What I would put if I was you, I am a crossdresser if you want more of explanation please come and we will talk.

[Marcyme]

This is how Marsha's profile has Always read:

My internal gender identity is essentially androgynous, both male and female at the same time or genderqueer.

For me, being genderqueer means, embracing both, the masculine and feminine. Although masculine and feminine are opposites, they are also complementary, opposing forces that are always seeking a balance with each other, they are two aspects of one, single reality.

I do not try to look like a female, I try to mix the masculine and feminine looks to come up with my own unique look. This unique look matches how I feel inside.

Each person's self-defined gender identity is integral to their personality and is one of the most basic aspects of self-expression, dignity and freedom.

To achieve a solid self worth, there comes a time when it becomes necessary to be open about that self.

In order to feel good about myself, I need to claim the same freedom that most humans take for granted, "The Freedom to simply EXIST, as Myself, OPENLY".

This above all; to thine own self be true.

-----------------------------------------------

This is the emotional rollercoaster I have been on for months... My wife just asked to borrow my nail polish remover and nail polish to re-do her own nails... I don't know whether I am coming or going anymore..?

That is one of the best descriptions I have read! Mind if I barrow it?
Maybe you should just post it as a note in your Marshall profile.
My only advice would be to give your wife time cool down and then talk about it.

[UNDERDRESSER]

That started 9 months ago.. Yep.. just about the same time, and now she just insisted I have a couple of bites of her sushi, but I couldn't do it myself, she fed me with chop sticks... This is going to drive me sane...? insane..? ah.. which ever one I am not now...!
Ouch! Menopause can be very difficult. I'm sure some GGs will chime in here with personal notes, but my experience is the mood swings can be crippling. The most level headed woman i know suddenly blew up in spectacular fashion when she started going through this, afterward she said it was like she was no longer in control and couldn't stop it.

The thing to remember is that she can be suffering as much, if not more than you are from this. If she is not seeing the Doctor about this, it might be a good idea. Of course just making the suggestion is fraught too....

[Badtranny]

Hi Marsha,

I don't really have any advice for you because you are already strong and proud. I admire you for being unashamed.

I would just like to add that queer is NOT a pejorative term anymore. It has been successfully reclaimed and is now something to be proud of.

"straight acting" homosexuals are now safe in society, but the feminine gay man is the truth and they can't hide who they are anymore than we can. I call myself a queer in solidarity with them and while my transition slowly makes me invisible, I will enjoy every minute of my short time as a gender queer.

Please stay strong and don't be swayed by the opinions of the straight world. I know you're not gay, but you and I both know that doesn't matter. Being queer isn't about being gay, it's about being brave.

[ChanDelle]

Lots of different ideas about the connotations of gender queer/queer. It may not offend some here, and some feel proud to label themselves so, but I personally wouldn't use it for a public label as it's got way too much negative baggage for most folks. Could be a generational thing but I say when in doubt, leave it out.

ChanDelle

[AllieSF]

You have gotten a lot of good recommendations here. I will offer one regarding your relationship with your wife. To me, to publicly let the cat out of the bag regarding a very personal thing as a means to get back at and hurt a loved one, really needs to be examined in detail. A long open and honest discussion needs to be had with your SO to determine why she used this extreme tactic to hurt you. If she did it once, she may do it again, regardless if you are now already potentially/probably outed to a lot of people who you did not want to yet know. She may find some other way to hurt you, maybe even inventing stories just to make you hurt again. One thing is to get mad inside the privacy of your home. It is another very serious relationship issue to do so publicly. You both have a lot of work to do to correct what happened. Your trust in her has been seriously compromised, at least mine would be.

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

Menopause is such a roller coaster ride for both the female undergoing it and those who are subjected to it. Her emotions, her body are undergoing major changes and it is up to all around her to try and give support and understanding, It is not easy and it can be a very taxing time on relationships. All I can suggest is to calm down, think seriously about what you write and review possible consequences of your actions. Yes those who understand will stay by your side, but those who are tunneled in ideas may provoke you into saying incorrect things that may lead to a massive problem. Sit back, take a deep breath and analyze the situation. Then when you are calmer and not responding with immediate emotions you can enter a good response. Personally since you have come out to many people who are close to you, you have already made any shock a lot easier to handle. I feel many will naturally think that something else maybe the reason for your wife sudden change in attitude. Maybe she fears losing her part of her femininity through menopause yet you are seeking it through CD? I think now is the time to display a continuing love and support for her and once through this time of change for both you may grow closer than before but only if you allow it and not use it as an excuse to cease. Education, learning and understanding helps us all get on.

[Samantha_Smile]

On the upside to this whole thing-

You might actually get a message from a friend who turns out to be CD and you never knew! :D

[Genifer Teal]

If it was me, I'd start with something like "I was trying to think of how to tell you this . . . This may not be how I had in mind . . . Now that you know, if you have any questions. . ." You might want to include a little explanation (correction) of your own depending on what she said.

[TxKimberly]

I just have absolutely no idea what to say or how to help on that one. . .

[Eryn]

Your Wife committed this act, you didn’t and you might want to consider apologizing for your Wife’s behavior. Maybe something like this, “I wish to apologize for my Wife’s behavior regarding the recent fc message. My Wife is going through a particularly difficult time in her life, and I ask that you be both understanding and forgiving.”

Now that is an elegant solution to the problem! The only downside that I can see is that your wife might take offense and escalate her bad behaviors. Think before you post!


I would just like to add that queer is NOT a pejorative term anymore. It has been successfully reclaimed and is now something to be proud of.

Within the GLBT community, possibly, but outside of that community it still has negative connotations. If you're addressing the non-GLBT community you have to use terms they understand clearly and which do not cause negative responses.

[Intertwined]

Wow...what a situation to be in. All I can say is that was a hell of a mood swing. Good luck and keep your head down...lol

Joanna

Thank You Joanna, tell ya, altho nice, having my wife want to feed me some sushi, but, a bit nerve wracking having her come at me with a couple of pointy objects...


You are a harmonized blend of both male and female, and there is nothing queer about that!! There are an awful lot of us in this world just like that!!

Stephanie, that is a very nice way to put it, thank you


That is one of the best descriptions I have read! Mind if I barrow it?
Maybe you should just post it as a note in your Marshall profile.

Of course you can have it, I love sharing. I have thought about posting that on Marshalls, and I think I will soon.

TOO ALL...!

From what I understand from my wife, I am not sure why she told the ones she did, except that they are the ones I feel closest to, but, what I believe she wants, is for me to come clean to all, apparently some people have asked her in private messages about Marsha, and she does not want to answer that.

I am open about it to all, I created the Marsha profile for 2 reasons, one, for those that are bothered by comments on gender issues, and, I won't lie, when I need something for one of the Facebook games, I can gift myself (cheating?).

[Badtranny]

Within the GLBT community, possibly, but outside of that community it still has negative connotations. If you're addressing the non-GLBT community you have to use terms they understand clearly and which do not cause negative responses.

Possibly? I can assure you that "queer" has been reclaimed. In regard to the straight community, I'm over it.

I no longer live my life according to the delicate sensibilities of the "normal" people. Those that hate me will hate me no matter what I do.

[Shelly67]

My wife read this thread , she then remarked on the perils of Facebook .This may seem a little off topic , but I consider it relevant ........ I DO NOT WISH TO SOUND ALARMIST OR OVER DRAMATIC but , if you are a proffessional individual in a position of high regard and you wish to remain in a private lifestyle , perhaps you should read on .
We all know just how dangerous and intrusive Facebook can be . It collates our life behaviour , after all its a life tracker . BUT - read this and take note , it's effects range far and wide . It's become common knowledge not to diss or bad mouth employers on Facebook for fear of dismissal _ it has happened over here in England . Now , there seems to be a bigger picture emerging . IF you foward your C.V for new employment , the first thing a potential employer does is got to facebook to see just what you've been up too . This seriously has me wondering just how far certain individuals and organisations will go with this popular site . I wonder if profiles on there will be directly used in private disputes of a matromonial nature . Even if they are innocent . I wonder how long it will be before it becomes the bread and butter of a legal dispute ,where in the cold light of day , only lawyers are the winners.
Now . If you place the word crossdresser into the search on Facebook it directly links to this and other trans sites . I realise by posting on the internet we may leave our selves open in certain areas . Ok , we probably do not look even the slightest like our male alter ego when dressed and made up . BUT it brings me to the conclusion if we post certain photographs , but still wish to remain private then we may be possibly giving ourselves away in other areas . It maybe through such things as recognisable backgrounds in the home or even certain locations .Even when we wish to remain private as possible. People snoop . Links develope , provided by private email addresses we use on internet sites . What I'm trying to say is be EXTREMELY careful what you post and put up on Facebook . Everything can be hacked , information used in a negative light . It certainly seems to be very able to enforce ignorance in certain individuals lifestyles . Even in this liberal ethical day an age certain stigma still stick . And they snowball . THINK .
I hate to say it , but it's the truth .
I've even noticed the disgusting comments on racial creed after the recent Uk riots were discussed on there .

I am so sorry for going on , but it leaves me with no other doubt that the title of this thread is spot on .

I hope all the persons directly concerned with the nature and problems described in this thread can find a peaceful , PRIVATE chance to settle the disputes they now turmoil over .


Makes you think doesn't it ?


Or at least it should .

[Jordana Divinorum]

Everyone on facebook knows I'm a crossdresser since almost all of my photos include me wearing a dress and my name is Jordana on facebook. I really don't think people care what you're into. If someone posted "Hey guys, I have a foot fetish", I'd be like "yeah so...?" I don't think you need to make a big announcement, but like others said, maybe include crossdressing as one of your insterests or include a photo if you want to share it with your friends.

[KylieA]

IF you foward your C.V for new employment , the first thing a potential employer does is got to facebook to see just what you've been up too .

I actually remember reading about a city (in Idaho?) that required you to list every social network site you used along with login and passwords on the employment form. I think the city was eventually forced to stop. But it shows how far employers where going.

The listing requirement meant that if you didn't list a site for some reason, then you could be fired for lying on your employment form.

[Intertwined]

My wife read this thread , she then remarked on the perils of Facebook .This may seem a little off topic , but I consider it relevant ........

<<< Good Stuff >>>

I am so sorry for going on , but it leaves me with no other doubt that the title of this thread is spot on .

I hope all the persons directly concerned with the nature and problems described in this thread can find a peaceful , PRIVATE chance to settle the disputes they now turmoil over .


Makes you think doesn't it ?


Or at least it should .

Not off topic, and as you said, "Spot On" even makes me think to go and check images and profiles of both account for anything that may be... "too much".

In my case, I am completely open about Marsha, my employer knows, my supervisor had even friended Marsha, but then was adviced by someone (apparently high up in our organization), that she may want to rethink that move.

Not because of the :::friendship::: & not becuase of what I might say (they trust me) BUT, if one of my friends were to make a comment that :::Looks Bad::: or over the PC Line, that of course shows up on they're Facebook page, and then they can be held responsable for that comment made by a 3rd party person.

Shelly, Thank You for your input

[Pythos]

The said advisor should learn to STFU. That sort of Advice is best left back in the 50s.


IF you foward your C.V for new employment , the first thing a potential employer does is got to facebook to see just what you've been up too .

To me, this is pure invasion of privacy and should not be allowed. Social networking should NOT be part of the job application process. Then again the job applications ask for way too much info. All they need for a job application in my book is the applicants name, place of residence, work experience, and that is about it. They don't need to waste my time having me fill out stuff about my mother's maiden name, or who to contact in an emergency when they haven't even hired me. If they would like a briefe explanation about myself, that is fine. But honestly a job application should not take more than a few minutes to fill out.

Facebook should have NOTHING to do with one's job. Period end. Work is intruding too much into people's personal lives.

[johnboy23]

Don't use the word "problem"