Helping a crossdresser accept himself?

[PennyFarthing]

Hello all,

I am female and currently dating a straight guy who enjoys engaging in MTF crossdressing sometimes. I'm in love with him and I have no problem whatsoever with his interest in crossdressing; in fact (perhaps because I'm bisexual and tend to be attracted to slightly androgynous people?) I find drag kind of hot, and even beautiful and moving when it is really done well. I think that I understand his motivations for it- exploring an identity that seems a little foreign- so I'm not looking for explanations of why men crossdress, either.

What my issue is is that he seems to have considerable shame about crossdressing. It's a pretty big secret and he has said that it makes him feel disgusting sometimes. Apparently I am the only girl who has really accepted this part of him and expressed an interest in helping him explore it. He is an open-minded guy and can't really articulate to me why he feels disgusted with himself; I don't think that he would find it disgusting in another guy. It could have to do with his Catholic, somewhat Conservative parents, or with the fact that in the past girls have been turned off by it. I'm not really sure, but recently he told me that he doesn't want to allow himself to pursue drag any longer.

I feel like it's already unhealthy that he is ashamed of crossdressing, and that repressing that side of himself completely will just cause him even more turmoil. I want him to accept himself, understand exactly how complex identity is, and allow himself to explore drag freely. I've told him that it's common, fine, and that I find it sexy. Is there anything more I can say or do to help him come to terms with it?

[prene]

I need to say he is a lucky person to have a accepting gg such as you

One think I would do is introduce him to this site.

Him seeing he is not alone is good, i think.

By the say do you have any sisters who are as accepting of cressdressers as you. lol

[PennyFarthing]

Haha, I have one sister but she is a lesbian! XD

Anyway, thank you... I think encouraging him to seek a community at least online is a great idea.

[Shelby]

I have no professional advice to offer but some perspective that might help you understand him better. This is a very difficult subject for any guy to admit to. How did you learn of his cding? If he told you, then he must trust you a lot. The fact that you are so accepting is a great start and thank you for who you are. I wish I had a girlfriend like you. You've already been talking about this but try to get him to talk more about it with you. Assure him that you understand and appreciate this part of his life. He is probably trying to come to grips with what his role in the relationship will be. He was raised to be a man, macho, breadwinner, thump his chest and grunt and show no signs of girliness. Yet he has an inner female within him that wants to be free. He probably feels that if he shows you his femme side, that you either will reject him or like that side so much that you will want her over him. Help him to understand that he can be both whenever he wants with you. Assure him that he is your man, chest thumping and all. Be gentle. Let him also become comfortable with being this way with you in his life. For most men, the thought of losing a woman is painful, but losing one to cding is hard to explain. There are many other gals on here that will chime in and I hope they all do. So many of them have great advice and experience so girls, please share.

Oh and Penny, you are a wonderful woman to love a man like the one you do.

Shelby

[larry]

Well first you could tell him I am SO mad at him for not being happy with the person he has been lucky enough to find. If that does not work there are about 18,000 members here which if you only count half that would be 9,000 that would be thrilled to meet a bisexual accepting person. hehehe

[Pythos]

Well, all I can say is that he is extremely lucky to have you. Perhaps he may be scared that you are like others in his life that will try to change him. Or are only doing an act when it comes to your accepting. The deal is we males have been taught from day one that if a guy wears the clothing of a female, there is something mentally wrong with him. You know, as well as I know, that this simply is not the case. It is boulderdash really. But it is something we MtoF's deal with everyday.

Really all you can do is be there with him and show that you indded are genuine about your stance when it come sto this.

[Jorja]

Hi Penny, welcome to the site. Glad to have you here.
As for your SO, you have to understand that he has been taught from day one that he must be and act like a man. Like Shelby said above, "macho, breadwinner, thump his chest and grunt and show no signs of girliness". To even entertain the thought of actually wearing womens clothing is cause for a lightining bolt to strike him down instantly. Yet there is something inside tempting and taunting him. He must try on womens cloths. Soon he begins hiding away in secret to dress. Should anyone discover this secret, life will be over because they all would think he was a whack job or even worse, gay. Did you know that about 98% of those that dress are hetrosexual?
There are many reasons a guy might dress. Some of the most common are guys start dressing because of the sexual excitment it can bring. Others dress because they like the feel of the soft silky feeling from the cloths themselves. Womens clothing is so much softer and better feeling than mens clothing. Yet, others like myself, dress because we feel like we have come home. We have always know we were in the wrong body and need to dress as the real person we are.
Just ensure him that it is ok. That you are not going to bolt the second you see him dressed. Let him know you want to help him explore this side of himself. Be willing to help him with things like makeup and hair. But also let him know you need to see your man every now and then. This got my attetion in your post "recently he told me that he doesn't want to allow himself to pursue drag any longer". I won't say that he cannot just quit but normally, once one just quits, it comes back. Usually stronger and more intense. Lesson one, Do Not make promisses you cannot keep. Going slow and communication between both of you is the key.
I do hope all works out well for you two.

[diannecourtney]

Probably he equates CD'ing to the gay life and he may have a tendency to be homophobic. As a conservative and a CD'er until I found this site 8 or 10 years ago I was trying to figure out what "strange" things were on my mind with regards to women and there things.Its been a heavenly scene since.

[Diane Elizabeth]

My suggestion would be to encourage him (her) to maybe wear something feminine everyday. Even just for a little bit of time around you. As time goes by he will be more comfortable with you seeing him dressed. People need to be reaffirming of their choices at times. Without it some can go into a depression and hide themselves. I know, I did. This site has helped me see the light.

[Kaz]

Hi Penny,

As has been said already... you are a gift! I cannot begin to express the shame and guilt I have been dealing with over this for decades. In recent years and later on in life I have come to terms with things and accept them. This forum has been instrumental in this. I have realised that there is no reason to feel the way I did for years... OK I am still not over it...but that is changing over time and as I lose my ability to look good my confidence grows... UK irony!

I would really suggest that you get him on here and you stay on here as a GG. I really think it would help him and your presence and insight would certainly help us!

[Karren H]

Its what most of us go through.... Getting over thinking we are some kind of pervert... And it takes a long time to accept that you are what you are and you like what you like and there is nothing wrong with that.... I'd recommend you get him to join the fray here and start the process of chatting about it..

[sissystephanie]

Penny,

First of all, God Bless you for being such an open minded person!! There certainly is nothing wrong with being a crossdresser. In case your boyfriend is interested, I am Catholic and have been told by several Priests and an Archbishop that God doesn't care what you wear, as long as you are decent!! As you and he both know a great many girls are turned off by crossdressing, because the media has made it seem to be very unhealthy or queer. It is neither unhealthy or queer, it is simply of the feminine side of a male or the male side of a female. We all were born with one sex, but a small part of the other sex is inside all of us! And some of us choose to exhibit that side from time to time.

I have been a crossdresser for about 70 years, and was happily married for almost 50 years of that time. My late wife knew that I was a CD when we married and fully supported me during our life together!! The suggestion that he join the Forum is an excellent one and I would highly recommend it!! Accepting the fact that he is a crossdresser is one of the hardest things that he face in his life, but it is somehting that he should admit and accept! Best of luck to both of you!!

[Kerigirl2009]

I think the feeling of disgust stems from what he thinks the OTHER MEN in his life will think of him if they where to ever find out about his feminine side.

We still have times when we are expected to be men, and if our secret is out then we may be excluded from getting together for say a

BBQ
Hunting
Poker Night
Hang out drinking buddies
whatever it is that we as men do

Sure we can try to get with the women and do what women do but then we are trying to express ourselves ( some women just dont like this ) Like my wife.

I hopw he finds a way to be happy with himself and herself because really no matter what I have done I am both people and trying to stop from letting out my feminine side really makes it even harder to live a life without filling it full of lies.

We are what we are and WE have to accept this as a part of us. (some people that cant accept us, have to be put out farther then arms reach.

Good luck to you both.

Keri

[BRANDYJ]

Hi Penny, Happy to have you join us. This is the absolute best site on the Net for both GG's and CD's in relationships to learn and share experiences with. Your guy is a lucky man to have you! That's no secret. But the secret he has kept could be born out oi the way us males are raised. we are all taught that boys and men are tough and masculine. So when we do anything that afronts that masculinity we were brought up to strive for, we have trouble in dealing with it. It's an internal struggle many of us, not all have been through. I was in my mid 30's before I began the process to accept myself and really enjoy and like my feminine side. I finally accept that having a feminine side and dresisng like a woman is in honor of what I respect and adore in what I see in women. I am now glad I have this "other" side to balance out who I am.
Most males never want the woman they love to see them as anything less then a man...even though we dress. So it might take him time to accept himself and realize he is still theman you fell in love with. I hope he joins here. It will help him a lot to see he is far from alone.

[Alice B]

Ah. The old Catholic guilt. I know it well and it took a long time to overcome it, if one can. I would suggest having him join us at this site and also for him to read your post. Nothing to feel guilty about at all.

[DonnaT]

Probably he equates CD'ing to the gay life and he may have a tendency to be homophobic.
I had a similar thought as Dianne. Still, even if he's not homophobic towards others, he may be worried that others will think he is gay.


My suggestion would be to encourage him (her) to maybe wear something feminine everyday. Even just for a little bit of time around you. As time goes by he will be more comfortable with you seeing him dressed. People need to be reaffirming of their choices at times. Without it some can go into a depression and hide themselves. I know, I did. This site has helped me see the light.
Sounds like a good idea to me.

[carhill2mn]

Hi Penny. You are very perceptive about how your boy friend's feelings will probably affect him. It is very common for CDs to take a long time to stop "feeling guilty" and to accept themselves as they are, as this feeling of guilt has been a part of him for many years. Some CDs never do reach a point of self-acceptance and, as a result, really struggle with their emotions.

You can be a big help to him by reassuring him that he is a good person who also happens to be a crossdresser.

Good luck to both of you!

[Samantha_Smile]

Buy him a nice pair of heels, sit him down and have a talk.
Sounds simple but it's actually genius.

-The shoes (other femme item) - He may feel that it's very easy for you to say you accept his dressing, and this is true, words are easy. This is no judgment on you, Penny, but the phrase "Talk is cheap" rings out to me.
An action however, in this instance the giving of a gift that you know he wants will allow him to feel more open with you, because, well... who doesnt like a nice new pair of heels... I mean getting pressents! :D
Its a simple gesture that doesnt need to be expensive and would probably give you the open window you need to then...

-Talk. Talk used to be cheap before you took action that requires no input from him (the gift). If it were me, I would see this as my girl being the most supportive that she could be.
It may just be what he needs to reaffirm that you accept him wholy.
This is when you ask him questions, but not too many, allow him to speak and answer with everything he's got.

-Further talking.
It may be that he needs to see a therapist or that you both see a couple's therapist. If this is a serious thing for you both, talking whether at home or to a professional will be worth it in the long term to face the short term potential heart wrenching and reliving some past trauma (I say potential because it ISNT the case for everyone, but it IS possible)

I'd just like to say Good on you. You obviously have an open honest heart, and I think many of us are pretty jealous of your guy to have a girl the likes of yourself.
Best of luck xx

[kimdl93]

I can only echo what all those have already said. Its worth reading this whole thread to him. Let him know that we all have faced the shame, guilt and fear associated with accepting this one unique attribute about ourselves. While I know experience is the best teacher, and he may just have to go through the emotional and mental process that we all have gone through; still he can take some hope from the fact that 1) he has an accepting and genuinely supportive SO and 2) most of us have learned to reject the same and guilt that society has imposed, and 3) we have each managed in our own way to overcome the fear - which one has to do over and over in life's journey.

[giuseppina]

...
I feel like it's already unhealthy that he is ashamed of crossdressing, and that repressing that side of himself completely will just cause him even more turmoil. ...

Exactly, Penny. There are a disproportionate number of mental health issues among the transgendered population, and it isn't nuclear science that shaming, exclusion, derogation, etc. is a big part of the problem.

There are a lot of good ideas above.

Self-acceptance is something that can't be rushed, but if he seems stuck, a duly licensed and qualified counsellor is a good idea if he will accept it. Even better is someone specialising in gender issues. The first counsellor he sees may not work. If that is the case, keep trying until you find one that works.

Perhaps leaving a pair of obviously feminine panties or something in his drawer for him to find is a good and tangible way to suggest you accept him as he is. "Obviously feminine" need not be lacy. It can be colour, style, or whatever that doesn't fit the boxers or Y-front style common in men's underwear.

There are a lot of MTF crossdressers that would love to have someone like you as a girlfriend.

Good luck.