To tell or not to tell

[BeckyAnderson]

My wife knows and partially supports my dressing. She ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT want any of our family or friends to find out that I crossdress.

I think everyone here will agree that it is difficult, at best, to sit down with someone and explain why we crossdress. We are communicating openly and still cannot fully explain why but we CAN guarantee certain things, i.e. I'm not gay, I don't want to be a woman, I'm still the same person, etc., etc.

I know I'm not alone in crossdressing but am I alone in my thinking? Here's a very possible scenario:

Suppose you and your wife are out somewhere and, heaven forbid, you are both killed in an auto accident. Your sons and/or daughters will come into your home at some point to "Clean out the place." They find a closet (or boxes) full of clothes, shoes, accessories and makeup that absolutely do not belong to your wife. In looking through your drawers or computer they find pictures of you dressed as a woman.

They are already devastated with the sudden loss of their parents and now they WILL be devastated at their discovery of your "stuff." There will be no way for them (and all family members) to get any kind of answers to their questions and, therefore, proper closure. At least when we have our discussions with our SO's, after admission or discovery, we are here to address their questions, for better or worse.

Your kids and family members will spend the rest of their lives trying to determine if you were gay, wanted to be a woman, yada yada, yada. There are a miriad of questions about you, your wife and your relationship, the concealment, blah, blah blah. I think we all know the routine by now.

Do you think it fair and reasonable that they should have to go through all of this additional grief?

What are your thoughts on this and what would you do?

Hugs,
Becky

[suzy1]

Have you made out a will? [A good thing to do anyway]
Just explain everything in a letter and keep it with the will for when you’re gone.

SUZY

[Natalee]

Hmm maybe leave a letter in with your stash; explaining your motivations, and explaining the pretty things, and size 17 shoes.

[Cynthia Anne]

The first thing I would respect the wifes choice! But you bring up a good point here! But then who said life was fair! Sorry a little clueless here! Hugs!

[Joannas_fiance]

Becky,

Joanna and I have discussed this many times. We are in this limbo situation as well. I really don't know what we would tell our families or kids. It seems to be a very hard thing to do. I know I love the man Joanna is and the women as well, but how does ones family, kids, ect accept it as well as I have?? I know it would not bother me if anyone knew about Joanna. I love Joanna and everything about her. If everyone would accept people for who they are and not what type of lifestyle they choose to live all would be just peachy. But we live in a world where not all is accepted so easily. I am excepting of all people regardless of sex, color, sexual orientation, creed, I have a open heart for all. I am in love with my c/d man and I would shout it to the roof tops. I think he may not care for everyone to know. But if they did I would be a-ok with it. I love him enough to go through hell with him if need be. He is a diamond in the rough and I have found a treasure. If I could leave a bio of Joanna's life as a c/der it would be an awesome read for his kids an family if were killed and they found out about her after we passed. Maybe I would say to leave them a journal of your life as a c/der..

Hope

[DonnaT]

My wife was also adamant we not tell, but after an argument I told our son, then because my wife wanted to be fair, I told our daughter.

Things greatly improved around the house since there was no more hiding.

[kendra_gurl]

My wife and I feel exactly the same way about keeping this out of the family and friends circle. Our fears are more of being seen out together by someone we know than it coming out after we are gone.

Not everyone but most of us have secrets. Just imagine all the things family members find out about their loved ones everyday after their death. The stash of porn vids, the variety of sex toys, the cookies from all those web sites, the stash of Pot hidden in the bottom drawer, that list of womens phone numbers, OMG those emails on the PC. The list goes on and on

I would say to just know that in your scenario they would understand that you and your wife were sharing something very special together rather than hiding it from each other.

Just wanted to add that while my family to my knowledge does not know, I realy don't think it would suprize them as much as one might think. After all these years there has to have been a couple of times when things seemed just a little different about me to them.

[Kittyagain]

We have sure thought about this one in the past. Then we thought what if we had a family member die, and found something similar.

Our conclusion was we would go"Oh my!" then get rid of the stuff before any of the rest of family and friends saw it and that would be that so we don't worry about it anymore. They will find the stuff and do the same.

The SO controls who knows. That should be a pink, Cross Dresser's rule.

Are there a set of Pink Rules anywhere?

Kitty

[Karren H]

I have a large enough life insurance policy plus my investments that my kids won't give a rats ass what good old dad did or didn't like to wear!!

But if for some reason I'm wrong.... They will have plenty of money to hire a therapist! Lol.

[AllieSF]

If I am successful in taking this side of me to the grave without the kids, neighbors and friends finding out, I will be very happy. I could give a rats ass what they think after I die. I do think that they will be shocked, have all those crazy questions, then maybe they will laugh and get over it to get on with their own lives which is much more important. How many of us really know anything about our parents personal lives before and after they were married. Most of us do not really want to know anyway.

[ReineD]

What are your thoughts on this and what would you do?

One option is to write a long, heartfelt letter explaining everything and leaving it with the estate executor to be opened only after death. Be sure to include in the letter the fact that your wife knows and has shared this secret with you.

Another option is to choose a time, say age 70 or 75 to tell your children, and also have such a letter handy, to be given to them should you fall severely ill before then.

Or last, just choose to tell your kids. It would be up to them as to whether or not they tell their wives and their kids.

[carhill2mn]

Before my daughters "knew", I had prepared a letter addressed to my younger daughter to be opened if I died or was incapacitated. I briefly explained why they would find women's clothes etc. Now, they "know" so no further explanation is needed.

[larry]

I worry enough alive. Not sure I care when I die.

[Jilmac]

Very profound thinking Becky. My wife knew about my dressing but was never supportive and it wasn't until after she passed away that I was able to come out and be myself. I have been taking a cautious approach to telling family members. So far I have told one sister, and showed her pictures of Jill. The next person I plan to talk to is my middle daughter as I believe she is the most liberal and less likely to judge me. I also plan to make a DVD of myself in drab and enfemme to explain both sides of my personality. That way, once I'm pushing up dasies, there may not be a need to ask questions.

[Chickhe]

Once you are gone, it doesn't matter. They will remember you for the good things and forget the bad. If CDing is good in their minds they will talk about how cool you were to do it...if its not good to them, they will bury it (family secret). The larger issue is, what if you return from the dead and they want you to explain your past...

[DaniIfeelike a woman]

I too have thought this very same thing. My computer is somewhat secure but also with my mega file of me as Dani, I have left a note of my feelings and why I do what I do. My kids did find my luggage with my (things ) but didn't say anything because nothing was visible. I was soooo panicked when I saw it out from its hiding spot, but nothing was said and I gave it a new hiding spot. In a sense I think they know I am different, I still am the landscaper and fix it all guy but now am the man of the house for the last year while my wife works full time.

[NicoleScott]

It's impossible to head off all of life's what-ifs. If both the mother and father of a child are tragically killed, a mysterious box of clothes seems to be quite insignificant. People can choose to, or not to, get bent out of shape over anything. What would it accomplish? Nothing.

[BeckyAnderson]

Thank you all for your responses....

Personally, I do care what people think of me after I'm gone. I'd like to be remembered in a positive light. I do like the letter idea and I think I will pursue that option. I guess the only thing I need do is copy my BIO and Diary from my website, put it into Word, print the document and leave it in the top of the closet where my clothes are kept. I will seal it and on the envelope I will clearly state, "Upon my death please open and read the contents of this letter."

I was and am curious to see how you would handle such an event.

Thank you for your reply's.

Becky

[Madilyn A.]

Becky, Thanks for bring up this topic. I have worried for years for all the stated reasons and will go with a letter approach as well. BTW, how's your golf game ?....Maddy

[Nicole Erin]

Well, maybe you could explain to the family but that does not mean you have to show them.
Hearing about something and seeing it are very different.

If you go the letter-writing route, just make sure and answer all the normal questions us TG get.
Are you gay, do you want to be a woman, who knows what, when did you start...
And yeah just leave it with the stash. Thing is, yeah if this is a real concern, it is best just to explain.

Most of us do not get treated any different after we "come out". Whether a good or bad relationship, it doesn't really change.

[Sally24]

One of the reasons we finally told both of our grown "kids" was that we thought the chances of them finding out accidentally too great. I also thought they might be hurt that they didn't get to know this side of me. If you are not TG/TS, and this is a private thing, then I think a letter stashed with your "stash" would be an excellent idea.