wherearethestars
08-20-2011, 05:15 PM
Sorry about the name, I kind of wanted to make it cute and attention grabbing at the same time, I hope I have succeeded.
First, a little bit about myself to give some context:
My name is Noah, and I am 20 years old. I finished my second year of college studying Music Performance, and these past 2 years I have had some of the hardest and most wonderful moments in my life. I am currently taking a semester off of college to focus more on music and less on school work and to try to become more grounded and confident in myself.
Confession: It has taken a good couple weeks for me to get up the nerve to say this. I have never really been confident in myself, and I have suffered with self loathing since puberty, and depression more recently. I have cared overmuch about how I am viewed by other people. So here I go: I want to dress in girls clothes. Even as I type it I think it sounds stupid and childish ><
Confusion: To fully understand the confusion I have gone through I want to explain a little bit more about my upbringing and background. I was raised as a devout christian, and still retain my faith. I used to go to a pretty hardcore fundamentalist church, and my parents both worked at a christian camp, so i actually grew up on the property.
Going forward a number of years:
In middleschool, I switched schools to a much larger school (from a class size of less than 100 to a class size of over 300). I also started hearing about sex for the first time, and was very shy about it. But in highschool, I got more involved in band and drama and the more artsy liberal kinds of clubs and activities and became much more outgoing and flirty. Part of this was to sometimes dress up as a girl, just for fun. I always thought it was more for laughs than anything, though i did always enjoy it and found it comfortable. Of course, there were mixed reactions, but overall it was positive, something fun and funny rather than anything serious or a way of life. After highschool, I stopped for my 2 years (so far) of college. I thought it was just a phase and that I had decided I was done with it.
About my sexual orientation: for a while, I was bicurious. What I came to realize, is that, while i do find men extremely beautiful, I have never been drawn to them in a sexual way (but I have been drawn to them romantically (though again, no sexually) in fantasies if that makes any sense.)
I have always been a more feminine kind of guy. I like dance and fashion, I would rather be called beautiful than handsome, etc. In fact, throughout my life some people have thought that i was gay (jeez, for a while i even thought i might be), and even (when i had hair to my shoulders) though I was a girl from behind (I have a slender frame).
However (and this is where the confusion comes in), a couple weeks ago I was at a bar with a couple of my friends, and my friend Laura and i decided to switch shoes (just for the hell of it). She was wearing really cute high heels so i though, "why not, it will be fun, like old times."
To my slight shock when I put them on I immediately found a transformation inside me. I remembered how great it always felt to wear girls clothes and how beautiful i had felt. I immediately felt more confident and attractive than i had in years (and the more i thought about it, it was since the last time i wore girls clothes.) And, to my extreme joy, one of the guys that was there with me said to me, "Wow, you have really beautiful ankles." This made me absolutely ecstatic.
Later, when I got home and really started thinking about it, i became increasingly confused about my feelings. In college, I have become more accepting of homosexuality, but it was still uneasy for me to think about. I started thinking questions like "Am I actually Gay?" "Do I really want to dress as a women?" "What will my parents think?" "What will my roommates think?" "Hell, what would all my friends think???" I, of course, did what any modern young person would do and went right to the internet, i browsed through a couple of sights before finding this one, and I was immediately drawn to the community. So this brings me to my 3rd 'c'
Consultation: Through reading and thinking more I have come to realize that I am pretty sure I am still straight, though not 100% sure. I still find men extremely beautiful. But more importantly to me right now is this: I think I want to wear women's clothing. It makes me feel better about myself, it makes me feel more confident, and more beautiful and it gives me that feeling "yes, this is who i am." But on the other hand, what will all my friends think? what will my roommates think? what will my ex girlfriend think? (part of me is still in love with her). But then also, "is it worth denying what makes me feel good?" I think it might not be, but it still makes me really nervous and a fearful. Also I think things like "if i wear women's clothing will I ever be able to get a girlfriend?"
I stress about this kind of thing.
Then I thought of a whole new series of question. how the hell do i go and buy a pair of girl's pants????? lol. it is embarrassing even to think about. I don't really know what size i am, i don't really know what kind of style i personally would strive for, etc.
So basically, I have come hear with a desperate plea. What do you think I should do? How did you go about going shopping for your first girl's clothes? Was it embarrassing? How did you gather up the courage? Is this just a phase like i had first thought? I would love everyone or anyones advice or input on any or all of these questions and any other advice or wisdom you have to impart. I am very nervous about all this, and don't really know how i will actually feel if i were to do something like this. I am completely ignorant and have no ideas about what to do, or what is the "proper" or "right" way to do it. Thank you for reading to my perhaps overly long post, and I hope to hear from you soon. Thank you!
First, a little bit about myself to give some context:
My name is Noah, and I am 20 years old. I finished my second year of college studying Music Performance, and these past 2 years I have had some of the hardest and most wonderful moments in my life. I am currently taking a semester off of college to focus more on music and less on school work and to try to become more grounded and confident in myself.
Confession: It has taken a good couple weeks for me to get up the nerve to say this. I have never really been confident in myself, and I have suffered with self loathing since puberty, and depression more recently. I have cared overmuch about how I am viewed by other people. So here I go: I want to dress in girls clothes. Even as I type it I think it sounds stupid and childish ><
Confusion: To fully understand the confusion I have gone through I want to explain a little bit more about my upbringing and background. I was raised as a devout christian, and still retain my faith. I used to go to a pretty hardcore fundamentalist church, and my parents both worked at a christian camp, so i actually grew up on the property.
Going forward a number of years:
In middleschool, I switched schools to a much larger school (from a class size of less than 100 to a class size of over 300). I also started hearing about sex for the first time, and was very shy about it. But in highschool, I got more involved in band and drama and the more artsy liberal kinds of clubs and activities and became much more outgoing and flirty. Part of this was to sometimes dress up as a girl, just for fun. I always thought it was more for laughs than anything, though i did always enjoy it and found it comfortable. Of course, there were mixed reactions, but overall it was positive, something fun and funny rather than anything serious or a way of life. After highschool, I stopped for my 2 years (so far) of college. I thought it was just a phase and that I had decided I was done with it.
About my sexual orientation: for a while, I was bicurious. What I came to realize, is that, while i do find men extremely beautiful, I have never been drawn to them in a sexual way (but I have been drawn to them romantically (though again, no sexually) in fantasies if that makes any sense.)
I have always been a more feminine kind of guy. I like dance and fashion, I would rather be called beautiful than handsome, etc. In fact, throughout my life some people have thought that i was gay (jeez, for a while i even thought i might be), and even (when i had hair to my shoulders) though I was a girl from behind (I have a slender frame).
However (and this is where the confusion comes in), a couple weeks ago I was at a bar with a couple of my friends, and my friend Laura and i decided to switch shoes (just for the hell of it). She was wearing really cute high heels so i though, "why not, it will be fun, like old times."
To my slight shock when I put them on I immediately found a transformation inside me. I remembered how great it always felt to wear girls clothes and how beautiful i had felt. I immediately felt more confident and attractive than i had in years (and the more i thought about it, it was since the last time i wore girls clothes.) And, to my extreme joy, one of the guys that was there with me said to me, "Wow, you have really beautiful ankles." This made me absolutely ecstatic.
Later, when I got home and really started thinking about it, i became increasingly confused about my feelings. In college, I have become more accepting of homosexuality, but it was still uneasy for me to think about. I started thinking questions like "Am I actually Gay?" "Do I really want to dress as a women?" "What will my parents think?" "What will my roommates think?" "Hell, what would all my friends think???" I, of course, did what any modern young person would do and went right to the internet, i browsed through a couple of sights before finding this one, and I was immediately drawn to the community. So this brings me to my 3rd 'c'
Consultation: Through reading and thinking more I have come to realize that I am pretty sure I am still straight, though not 100% sure. I still find men extremely beautiful. But more importantly to me right now is this: I think I want to wear women's clothing. It makes me feel better about myself, it makes me feel more confident, and more beautiful and it gives me that feeling "yes, this is who i am." But on the other hand, what will all my friends think? what will my roommates think? what will my ex girlfriend think? (part of me is still in love with her). But then also, "is it worth denying what makes me feel good?" I think it might not be, but it still makes me really nervous and a fearful. Also I think things like "if i wear women's clothing will I ever be able to get a girlfriend?"
I stress about this kind of thing.
Then I thought of a whole new series of question. how the hell do i go and buy a pair of girl's pants????? lol. it is embarrassing even to think about. I don't really know what size i am, i don't really know what kind of style i personally would strive for, etc.
So basically, I have come hear with a desperate plea. What do you think I should do? How did you go about going shopping for your first girl's clothes? Was it embarrassing? How did you gather up the courage? Is this just a phase like i had first thought? I would love everyone or anyones advice or input on any or all of these questions and any other advice or wisdom you have to impart. I am very nervous about all this, and don't really know how i will actually feel if i were to do something like this. I am completely ignorant and have no ideas about what to do, or what is the "proper" or "right" way to do it. Thank you for reading to my perhaps overly long post, and I hope to hear from you soon. Thank you!