3 C's: Confession, Confusion, Consultation

[wherearethestars]

Sorry about the name, I kind of wanted to make it cute and attention grabbing at the same time, I hope I have succeeded.

First, a little bit about myself to give some context:
My name is Noah, and I am 20 years old. I finished my second year of college studying Music Performance, and these past 2 years I have had some of the hardest and most wonderful moments in my life. I am currently taking a semester off of college to focus more on music and less on school work and to try to become more grounded and confident in myself.

Confession: It has taken a good couple weeks for me to get up the nerve to say this. I have never really been confident in myself, and I have suffered with self loathing since puberty, and depression more recently. I have cared overmuch about how I am viewed by other people. So here I go: I want to dress in girls clothes. Even as I type it I think it sounds stupid and childish ><

Confusion: To fully understand the confusion I have gone through I want to explain a little bit more about my upbringing and background. I was raised as a devout christian, and still retain my faith. I used to go to a pretty hardcore fundamentalist church, and my parents both worked at a christian camp, so i actually grew up on the property.
Going forward a number of years:
In middleschool, I switched schools to a much larger school (from a class size of less than 100 to a class size of over 300). I also started hearing about sex for the first time, and was very shy about it. But in highschool, I got more involved in band and drama and the more artsy liberal kinds of clubs and activities and became much more outgoing and flirty. Part of this was to sometimes dress up as a girl, just for fun. I always thought it was more for laughs than anything, though i did always enjoy it and found it comfortable. Of course, there were mixed reactions, but overall it was positive, something fun and funny rather than anything serious or a way of life. After highschool, I stopped for my 2 years (so far) of college. I thought it was just a phase and that I had decided I was done with it.
About my sexual orientation: for a while, I was bicurious. What I came to realize, is that, while i do find men extremely beautiful, I have never been drawn to them in a sexual way (but I have been drawn to them romantically (though again, no sexually) in fantasies if that makes any sense.)
I have always been a more feminine kind of guy. I like dance and fashion, I would rather be called beautiful than handsome, etc. In fact, throughout my life some people have thought that i was gay (jeez, for a while i even thought i might be), and even (when i had hair to my shoulders) though I was a girl from behind (I have a slender frame).
However (and this is where the confusion comes in), a couple weeks ago I was at a bar with a couple of my friends, and my friend Laura and i decided to switch shoes (just for the hell of it). She was wearing really cute high heels so i though, "why not, it will be fun, like old times."
To my slight shock when I put them on I immediately found a transformation inside me. I remembered how great it always felt to wear girls clothes and how beautiful i had felt. I immediately felt more confident and attractive than i had in years (and the more i thought about it, it was since the last time i wore girls clothes.) And, to my extreme joy, one of the guys that was there with me said to me, "Wow, you have really beautiful ankles." This made me absolutely ecstatic.
Later, when I got home and really started thinking about it, i became increasingly confused about my feelings. In college, I have become more accepting of homosexuality, but it was still uneasy for me to think about. I started thinking questions like "Am I actually Gay?" "Do I really want to dress as a women?" "What will my parents think?" "What will my roommates think?" "Hell, what would all my friends think???" I, of course, did what any modern young person would do and went right to the internet, i browsed through a couple of sights before finding this one, and I was immediately drawn to the community. So this brings me to my 3rd 'c'

Consultation: Through reading and thinking more I have come to realize that I am pretty sure I am still straight, though not 100% sure. I still find men extremely beautiful. But more importantly to me right now is this: I think I want to wear women's clothing. It makes me feel better about myself, it makes me feel more confident, and more beautiful and it gives me that feeling "yes, this is who i am." But on the other hand, what will all my friends think? what will my roommates think? what will my ex girlfriend think? (part of me is still in love with her). But then also, "is it worth denying what makes me feel good?" I think it might not be, but it still makes me really nervous and a fearful. Also I think things like "if i wear women's clothing will I ever be able to get a girlfriend?"
I stress about this kind of thing.
Then I thought of a whole new series of question. how the hell do i go and buy a pair of girl's pants????? lol. it is embarrassing even to think about. I don't really know what size i am, i don't really know what kind of style i personally would strive for, etc.

So basically, I have come hear with a desperate plea. What do you think I should do? How did you go about going shopping for your first girl's clothes? Was it embarrassing? How did you gather up the courage? Is this just a phase like i had first thought? I would love everyone or anyones advice or input on any or all of these questions and any other advice or wisdom you have to impart. I am very nervous about all this, and don't really know how i will actually feel if i were to do something like this. I am completely ignorant and have no ideas about what to do, or what is the "proper" or "right" way to do it. Thank you for reading to my perhaps overly long post, and I hope to hear from you soon. Thank you!

[CynthiaD]

Go to some place like Walmart and go through the self-checkout. Start with a pack of panties. Check the size chart on the back to make sure you have the correct fit. You won't have to talk to anyone, and you'll find it's no big deal. Once you get used to the idea, you can do some real shopping.

[Jason+]

Noah of the Stars,

Welcome to the forum first :) glad to have you here. Next take a deep breath, slow down and don't try to answer all the questions in one sitting. It's a lot to sort through for sure. You can be an effeminate man who loves to wear womens clothing to feel pretty. You can have an interest in men romantically, sexually or any other -ally that you have or don't have! It doesn't have to be an all or nothing choice unless that's the right choice for you, which seems a good place to start. Start to find out where you are on each question before you worry as much about how others are going to view the answers. The idea of what is "proper and right" will vary person to person. The thing that is pretty constant across the board is that it's not a phase, definitely here to stay.

I love the fact that your group of friends contains people who could so readily accept you and the girl you mentioned not only switching shoes but go further and beyond "standard" male behavior to give you the compliment on your ankles.

CynthiaD's idea about Walmart is good. For the pants themselves you can try them on there. If you are worried about the associate at the room seeing the ladies pants sandwich a pair between two pairs of mens pants and just tell them you have three items. If they don't fit you can leave them there or put them back yourself. Alternatively you can buy a pair, self checkout and take them home to try them but if they don't fit you have to interact with an associate to return or exchange them.

[JamieG]

Welcome, Noah! You are among friends. If you are nervous about buying in a store, you could always try buying online. If you don't have your own place, then you might want to get PO Box to send it to or order from a store that also sells mens clothing. I've had pretty good success measuring myself (read up how to do women's measurements on the internet) and looking at size charts. Still, I would buy when things are on clearance or the store allows free returns. You'll probably make mistakes, but eventually you'll find what fits and looks good on you and hopefully won't have wasted too much money in the process.

In terms of who to tell, that depends on you. Some people are completely in the closet. Some are only out to an SO. Others go about town en femme or even fly across the country dressed. As you begin to explore these feelings, you'll find what intensity of CDing is adequate for you. Just be wary of the "pink fog" and try not to rush into anything you might later regret. Once you know how often and where you want to CD, then you can decide who needs to know about it. If you don't feel you have a family member of friend that you can trust with the secret, you may want to seek a counselor, so you have someone to talk through your issues with.

With regards to sexuality don't sweat it. If you're gay or bi, that's fine. However, many of us are straight. Quite a few of those have supportive and/or accepting partners. The best way to find a supportive wife is to tell her before you marry her, that way if she can't deal with it, both of you can move on. I recommend that you wait until things are starting to get serious (i.e., after the first few dates), so that she already has something invested in the relationship and won't necessarily panic. However, many like myself, did not tell our wives until after we married, often because we did not yet accept ourselves. This usually leads to trust issues, but with communication and persistent honesty, the problem can be overcome. I know you're young, so marriage is probably the last thing on your mind right now, but I think it's good to understand the potential pitfalls while you're still dating.

Sorry if this seems like an info-dump.

[Stephenie S]

Yeah, Jamie's right. Just because you like putting on a nice pair of pumps, does NOT mean you are gay. Apples and Oranges, dear.

Stephie

[VioletJourney]

Who cares if you're also attracted to men? That doesn't mean you're not allowed to date women. And don't be scared or confused about why you like to wear women's clothing. It's just a fun activity, there doesn't have to be much to read into or worry about. Would you be scared or confused as to why you like a certain style of music?

[wherearethestars]

Thanks guys! Sorry the post kind of read hectic, I had been thinking about it for a couple of weeks, and was only going to mention one or two things, but once i started typing, it kind of flowed out. I guess i needed to get it off my chest. I am really glad i found this sight and all of you guys, i think it will really help to figure all this out, and help make it make sense in my mind, as well as fun conversations with people that actually understand and don't have misconceptions or narrow views about it. I feel a lot better having talked about it even this briefly and for your support and advice :)

[Adriennegrl]

We all were/are in your place. Like already mentioned, take it slow and don't rush. I'm not always good at following my own advice but do heed ;)

I was in a similar place in my 20's. Now in my 30's I'm still learning. As for bi curious, I can relate to that too. I'm now revisiting men as an option and am still wrestling w/ my orientation, so sometimes these things take a while. I swept most of it under the rug and didn't deal w/ these issues back then, so it's great to hear you're aware of them now.

Your journey begins and welcome!

[Persephone]

Hi and welcome!

I read your post and can easily understand how it can be. You've had a lot bottled up inside you for a lot of years. But in a way you're "home" now, you're among friends. Most of us have been through a lot of what you are feeling and have asked ourselves a lot of the same questions. There is nothing "wrong" with you! Relax, you're fine!

I look forward to reading more of your posts and to enjoying your on-line company.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Paula_56]

Stars-- Find a counsler to talk to if you can college campus, GLBT center, or thru you DR. We can provide peer support you need to work thru this.
I am a Christian also, don't let the fundlementalist load you with guilt stick to the read words in the bible.

Now for buying clothes go to a Dress Barn or Fashion Bug, tell them you are TG and need help buying clothes, guess what they won't blink an eye and will go out of there way to help most young Sales Asssiantants think this is cool. Just do a search here on he forum on Dress Barn or Fashsion Bug and you will see all of the great sucess stories. You will feel lierated after you do this,

Keep us here on the forum close, and don't beat your self up

[Angela2me]

The biggest challenge to buying clothes is your own fear. If you stand tall and confident, no one will give you a second look. You will soon find total confidence. I can happily stand in the middle of the ladies department flicking through the dresses when dressed in full boy mode. The best bargains are in the recycle fashion shops.
Good luck.