The wife flipped out today

[DeniseNJ]

Well last Wednesday night I went to go get a pedicure . I didn't tell the wife.I have even gotton pedis with her before but No COLOR. A pedi with no color is like a day with out sunshine. I met my wife about 25 years ago and the first year she knew me it was around Halloween and she suggested I dress as a girl. I was like Y E S, she had not know about my x dressing and I thought , is this the girl for me. We had a rocky start but I did incorperate my dressing with intimate times with her, and I was in my glory.
As the years went on, she thought that she didn't turn me on anymore thinking that I liked boys , infact I liked dressing and women together and I would put on some heels and hose and make-up to get me in the mood. That's when the bad times started, She started hating my dressing and started questioning my feelings in life. We had our fights over my desires , god only knows she has issues that I deal with, drinking being one of them. The past 6-7 years she didn't want nothing to do with my dressing and wouldn't even look at me .

Yes our sex life is beat, ,she packed on the LBS and other than kissing, hugs and some playing with her breast the last year or so has been sexless. The worst senerio has been playing out, I joined this site and my desire to incorperate feminity more often has caused tension. She hates it when I polish my toes and to a point that she says leave or I will leave ( Take that Sh!t off NOW!!). There is no reasoning with her. She says it looks so QUEER. I told her, I been this way all my life, I am still the same person that takes care of you, can't you get past the color on my toes. This in our own HOME, If she only knew I went out fully dressed a couple times and wore color in girly sandles I could understand he getting mad. Like What If one of my friends see you>>> Why can't I be happy in my own home. I am like a servant to her , I cook , I clean, bring her this , go get that and fix the cars too.. You might have thought she caught me with another man or something, that's how mad she gets. I left on my cycle today and when I came back like an hour later she was calm. I took off the polish before I left because I could not take her screaming. Tonight , I say you owe me a appoligy , she didn't .... I then say You know, I will keep doing this , if I have to behind your back, I will... I don't dress and act feminine all the time, but sometimes I want to feel special, it makes me calm and feel good doing little stuff to make me feel pretty. I can be Dennis and have fun and I can be Denise and have more fun. What I don't understand, I have make-up clothes , heels bra's wigs forms hiding but not very well some in plain site in other closets and she knows there are mine.. I know I can survive W/O her but she would fall apart because I have been an enabler most her like. Any advise , when stuff like this happens and she can't reason with me , it wants to make me rebel and push the crossdressing further and explore new things...

Tonight I cooked Broiled Salmon, finger potatos, cabbage, she finished her bottle and one 1/2 of red wine alone. Tomorrow I am wipping out the smoker grill and smoking a pork BUTT. I am so domesticated I should be wearing that sexy french maid outfit and 4" PAT BLK pumps Yes I even vaccumed and washed dishes today also. Then I cut the grass after vaccuming the pool out!! Stressed out here, Denise

[Loretta]

If I were you, I would set that idea of dressing as a french maid aside.
If you truly love her, you would put your crossdressing aside for a while. It's obvious it makes her VERY uncomfortable, which in turn makes both of you unhappy. Try talking to her about her recent behavior, and see if a compromise about the housework can be met.
After a while, try talking to her about your crossdressing DIRECTLY. Sit down with her, and discuss why it makes her uncomfortable. Try to find other means of getting turned on before relations.
It may be a part of who you are, but it's not really that much to ask that you don't do it for a while. You won't die from it, and you'll both end up happier for it.

[NathalieX66]

It may take some time for her to come around.
She may asthetically prefer male things in a guy. There's a certain romance about the traditional and conventional. Such things make poepkle feel whole. She may also be frightened to death of this aspect of your personality, and where it might go.....that's a reasonable fear.

Queer, yeah , so what?

You are not homosexual, and you are interested in her.

women fly helicopters in combat missions, drive racecars, are CEO's of fortune 500 companies, own their own harley davidson motorcycles, and aren't gay.
humans are complicated.

I think you have to be honest with her and tell her where you're at. You need to be honest with yourself, and figure where you're at, and where you need to go next. Just keep in mind that there is no perfect solution, and that things may not go how you want.
.
I think being transgender is the most difficult thing in the world, it's worse than being gay. When you're gay, you find partners, and there is nobody's feelings at stake. when you're TG, and you come out late to your girlfirend/wife, things have a chance sometimes of blowing up.

[richelle1]

Wow wow. This almost what happened to me. Im the bread winner in the house always have been the last 25a years plus. My so told me the same thing about my toe nails. Mine we're painted gold and i got into the shower. With her and she says what the hell is that.take it off you can't go around like that. I told her I were socks to work no one will see. She is probably jealous because my toes look better. If she says that to me again i'm going to tell her to pack her bags. Im doing my toes now a baby blue color. Matches my eyes.

[darla_g]

I had discussed this with my wife and she gave me her input which I thought it might be helpful here. I think your wife doesn't fully understand what cding is all about. You need to be clear what her understanding is. It seems like her being uncomfortable comes from fear. (ie you're not wanting to become a woman, you're not gay) These are all standard questions many of us here will relate to. You need to explain it all.

If the problem you see is that you are doing everything and she is putting on the pounds, then maybe you have an opportunity to cook healthier for both of you. Maybe that can have a positive impact and maybe you could do something together like taking a walk together (good exercise).

You need to discuss your sex life together. If she see's that the CDing is not the full extent of your sexuality with her then maybe she will be more receptive to it on an occasional basis in the bedroom. Right now she is seeing that the sex life is all about you and your needs. Try turning that around and find out what she would like. This might be a start.

[DeniseNJ]

Wow wow. This almost what happened to me. Im the bread winner in the house always have been the last 25a years plus. My so told me the same thing about my toe nails. Mine we're painted gold and i got into the shower. With her and she says what the hell is that.take it off you can't go around like that. I told her I were socks to work no one will see. She is probably jealous because my toes look better. If she says that to me again i'm going to tell her to pack her bags. Im doing my toes now a baby blue color. Matches my eyes.

I feel just like you, What is the problem??? Yes at my age I do have nice looking feet which look great with a fresh pedi and color. I enjoy this , I enjoy going to the salon. I do so much for her and deal with her vices with out complaints. She does not realize how good it makes me feel, something as little as polishing my toes. To me it is selfish on her part not caring for my feelings, is it that wrong in my own home . I could see if I was totally dressing in front of her every week and throwing it in her face but I do NOT!!! I feel like I have a DON'T ASK DON'T TELL policy in my own home!!!

[suzy1]

You really love her and want to persevere with the relationship or the relationship is dead. Relationships do die but it’s hard for some people to see it.
I am just trying to be realistic here. And it happened to me so I have some experience of it.
And a lot of women can not except our cross-dressing and never will. It’s not anyone’s fault, it’s just how it is. You can not blame them.

Decision time perhaps?

SUZY

[Jill Devine]

In simple terms she is calling the shots. Looks like you two are poles apart and there will never be a solution without professional help. Not after so many years.

Suggest professional counseling and take it from there. If she refuses help then you need to choose. You are not getting younger.

[Eryn]

You two should sit down and have a serious talk about your needs and expectations. If one or both of you are on the verge of breaking up your relationship over a little color on the toenails there is likely something much bigger lurking behind the scenes that needs to be addressed. Turn down the emotions, turn up the maturity, and ask her to talk about the real issues. Then listen carefully.

[ReineD]

These are huge problems:


As the years went on, she thought that she didn't turn me on anymore thinking that I liked boys


infact I liked dressing and women together and I would put on some heels and hose and make-up to get me in the mood. That's when the bad times started, She started hating my dressing and started questioning my feelings in life.


If she only knew I went out fully dressed a couple times and wore color in girly sandles

And on her side, theses:


Yes our sex life is beat, ,she packed on the LBS


she finished her bottle and one 1/2 of red wine alone.

I'm not beating up on you, but you're in a bad place with your wife that should have been addressed years ago and that won't go away easily now. It will take a commitment from both of you to want to improve the quality of your marriage. After years of having resentments built up, it is always more difficult to go back and change the stories that people have woven for themselves over the span of decades maybe.

You need to get down to brass tacks and resolve the old issues with her. Why did she feel you were into men? What miscommunication happened between the two of you? Maybe she thought you were only happy sexually as a woman, and in her mind, if someone wants to be a woman it must mean they want men. Maybe she began to feel like an accessory to your dressing, and she felt as if the act of dressing in the bedroom was more important to you that she was.

She probably does know you go out dressed, and she is probably still convinced that the dressing is "more" important to you, since you feel the need to do it behind her back. Many GGs come to see the femme persona as the third wheel who takes her husband away, like a mistress. GGs have no internal way of understanding what this is all about, and the only way to get through it is to talk, talk, and talk some more until the cows come home.

It looks as if she did what many people do, which is use food and booze as a coping mechanism. So now she may eat and drink compulsively, I don't know. But she needs to cut down on the sauce if there is any hope the two of you will face and get through the core issues together.

If you want my opinion, I think the two of you need to resolve the broken pieces of your marriage first, before tackling the question of CDing. You need to resolve the old hurts and resentments, you need to learn to communicate properly and trust each other again, and she needs to stop using alcohol as a crutch, since it will continue to cloud her perceptions. It's not going to happen overnight, and you may need help with this.

I wish you both all the best. :hugs:

But you know, sometimes it does seem easier to sweep things under the carpet but then the pile gets so big it can no longer be hidden and it takes a supreme effort to tackle it.

[DeniseNJ]

I want to thank all those that responded. Yes,this problem goes back many years. No! I do not believe she knows that I ever went out as
Denise to Phila alone. I only did it 2 or 3 times. If she ever found out that I went out dressed she would have went nuts. After the first time we met and I dressed up for Halloween, I dressed up about 6 years later and went to a halloween party with her and to the AC casinos. I went all out and even had fake nails put on and it was great. I will admitt that she does call many shots in our lives, I just let it happen. Yes I do put my foot down at times when I get mad but it just isn't worth the arguements. I have gone places alone in other states sometimes for a week for raceing and she didn't get mad, so I have some freedom. I am sure others are complacient in their lives, Who wants to sell out and move. I can't afford to buy her out and stay here. with a $2200 mortgage and 9 1/2 years to goit's hard. It is convient here . I know when she threatens to leave, if she did, she would be alone and lost with out me. I don't want anyone to think that I feel like I am ALL THAT. I am not. I am a caring and giving person who let a problem develop with out addressing the issue. Is my desire stronger now to dress than maybe 20 years ago ? I say yes but I repress my desires and try to live live the best that I can.. Yep ! I am between a rock and a hard place that's forsure.

On another note :: I am friendly with this 19 year old girl at the corner store who has seen Denise dressed. I showed her my fresh pedi Wednesday night. I think she is Bi, she told me. She is so sweet and understanding. Today I go in and tell her the wife made me take the polish off. She said you didn't did you. I said yes , I didn't want trouble. Ashley then says I need a pedicure I would love for both of us to go together. I was like WOW why couldn't the wife be like this girl, I think she was serious and I hope to take her up on the offer... someday!!!

[Kathy4ever]

I sympithize with you. You sure your wife and my wife are not sisters. My wife has said that a few times. I did not take them off. She has been better lately about it. She thinks I'm going through my 5th mid life crisis. If that makes her feel better I'll let her think that,

[ReineD]

On another note :: I am friendly with this 19 year old girl at the corner store who has seen Denise dressed. I showed her my fresh pedi Wednesday night. I think she is Bi, she told me. She is so sweet and understanding. Today I go in and tell her the wife made me take the polish off. She said you didn't did you. I said yes , I didn't want trouble. Ashley then says I need a pedicure I would love for both of us to go together. I was like WOW why couldn't the wife be like this girl, I think she was serious and I hope to take her up on the offer... someday!!!

Denise, please take this the right way, but there is something I don't understand. You explain in your first post the horrible situation at home and the quandary you're in, how unhappy your wife is, the things she didn't understand about the CDing, and the fact that she numbs herself on a regular basis now.

And then you slough it all off and start fantasizing about having a pedicure with the 19 year old girl at the store. I don't know your wife, but if you have this level of presence with her, it might explain why she is the way she is?

Maybe you can compartmentalize easily, and I guess this can be a good thing since it provides an escape from troubles. But, I don't think it will improve your situation at home? The other side of this is that maybe you and your wife have found a way of being with each other that is adequate, and other than the occasional blow up you're not too unhappy with the situation? If this is the case, then I guess you just needed this thread to vent a little. Nothing wrong with that, and again I wish you and your wife the best possible outcome together. :hugs:

[Maria 60]

Ive always been a person who turns the table, and think if my wife wanted to grow a beard or not shave her legs and always wear mens cloth how i would feel about that. I love my wife to be a women. So sometimes i look at like it must be hard for her when she wants her man beside her and there's a man who looks like a women. I don't get many opportunity's to dress but sometimes when opportunity doe's come i will also try to spend it with her. It must be hard for them to.

[WifeofWrenchette]

Denise,

A suggestion...could you buy your wife the book "My Husband Betty" and ask her to read it. Maybe she will understand more about crossdressing and be more accepting after she learns about it. Education is key.

[Joanna41]

Denise...

You are playing with fire with this other girl. If you truly want to work on your relationship with your wife then any time spent with this other girl will not help your cause. Be true to your wife and respect her feelings. Talk with her and try to salvage your relalationship. Good luck.

Joanna

[kimdl93]

I think there's a lot more going wrong in this marriage than your dressing. It seems to me that you two are non on the same page in many respects. My recommendation would be some form of professional couples therapy to begin identifying the issues and determining if they are resolvable.

[DeniseNJ]

Maybe you can compartmentalize easily, and I guess this can be a good thing since it provides an escape from troubles. But, I don't think it will improve your situation at home? The other side of this is that maybe you and your wife have found a way of being with each other that is adequate, and other than the occasional blow up you're not too unhappy with the situation? If this is the case, then I guess you just needed this thread to vent a little. Nothing wrong with that, and again I wish you and your wife the best possible outcome together. :hugs:

I think Reine nailed it.. I have my fun.... ADEQUATE sums it up I can go drag racing, ride my motorcycle, go to the strip club when the urge hits me,. play poker at the casinos. We do things together and have fun, many trips to the Casinos, Vegas, .We go on cruises and vacations. We host gatherings and parties. As long as CDing is not in that mix there are no problems. About 8 years ago the wife made me sign up for a anger management class, she thought I was blowing up too much. On the first day in the class when I presented my problems with the wife, (No I didn't mention cding) everyone said you created this problem by letting your wife run buck wild. In a way they were laughing at me saying you should have left years ago. I was so pissed that I left there smoking the tires all the way up the street, Before I left I said:(You wanna see mad, I show you mad). I never went back after that day. It made me more angry hearing the truth.. Yes I do realize that I am my own worst enemy. And to clear the air, I am just friendly with Ashley, We have had no time alone, Hey, I am older than her father I can't even think of her in a sexual light, tho she is comforting. On the professional help, we went to see a counsler 7-8 years ago and when the lady started questioning my wife, noting thast she had fault in our relationship and that it wasn't just me the wife got mad. We left there because the wife couldn't handle accepting blame for the situtation and we never went back., We don't communicate well and if there is something the wife hears that she don't like, she will shut down. Crying or walking away and laying down is very common if I try to talk things out!!!

[Karren H]

Apparently she doesn't feel happy in HER home either so unless you can come to some sort compromise... Affraid its time to bite the bullet and head you separate ways... Imho.

[kimdl93]

On the professional help, we went to see a counsler 7-8 years ago and when the lady started questioning my wife, noting thast she had fault in our relationship and that it wasn't just me the wife got mad. We left there because the wife couldn't handle accepting blame for the situtation and we never went back., We don't communicate well and if there is something the wife hears that she don't like, she will shut down. Crying or walking away and laying down is very common if I try to talk things out!!!

Ok, so one attempt at counseling failed. I will take your description of that expeirence at face value, but will also tell you that it is exceptionally bad practice for a therapist to tell any individual they the "are at fault". Competent therapists will invariably state that "Both parties" are responsible for the problems in a relationship. Your marriage needs some work on a lot of dimensions, and I honestly don't think the two of you can talk this through without professional help.

[Kaz]

I can empathise on this on many levels Denise. Echoes of my life in your posts, though different of course. People do just drift apart you know... develop different interests... sometimes you don't notice it's happening until the gulf is too wide for the bridge back.

I have been the sole breadwinner since our first daughter and have built a life outside our home for decades (another passion is playing guitar in bands). We have always had a great 'family' environment and have both contributed what we felt we could. Now our chicks have fled the nest (last one out a few weeks ago), we look at our lives and really wonder why we are together. Loads of reasons really, but there are other compelling reasons to split up. My SO would really like her own space. It's not just about me, it is about HER needs and wants. Her view is that while we try to satisfy each other we fail to satisfy what we need individually. And I guess she is right. We don't dislike each other and have nothing but reciprocal respect, affection and 'love'... though we are in a different stage of what 'love' is.

There comes a time when if you really love someone you have to set them free.