Need help

[hhdave]

Sorry for being such a noob here, but I'm not sure what kind of help I need. I guess I'm stuck thinking that I long to be more "normal", and it's not just the crossdressing that's getting in the way. I feel like I missed the boat on being a normal guy. I have friends who have no trouble striking up a conversation, meeting new people, making friends, and getting to know people. I feel a little like I just don't fit in. I'm very shy, I tend to be quiet, and I feel uneasy around strangers.

Years ago I met my ex-wife, and we agreed that somehow we were supposed to meet. Neither one of us was a social butterfly, but somehow we had no trouble opening up to each other. We hit it off, she got me to open up more, and we are genuinely grateful to have found each other. Shortly after we met we were discussing things that turned us on, and I nervously said "high heels". She tended not to wear them, but she indulged me a little and we picked out some for her. One time she was wearing them I nervously let on that I wondered what it's like to wear them, and she was OK with that. After we married we realized maybe were just a little too different from each other and going in different directions, but she never discouraged me from wearing high heels, and some of the feminine things. One of the sticking points was that I liked seeing her in more feminine things, and she wasn't as fond of dresses and pretty shoes. Maybe we both had to grow a little, but we remain friends.

Last year I met someone who I really seemed to click with, but once I let on that I liked high heels, she wanted nothing to do with it, and we had a nasty breakup. A month later I had done a lot of thinking and felt a little selfish, like I would rather have the shoes over having a wife and family. I gave it the college try, purged the shoes, and she and I managed to get back together for a short while. But then I started seeing signs that she wasn't all that mature, seemed very fixated on materialism (maybe a gold digger?), and my friends agreed that her clock was ticking big time and was probably desperate to find someone to make babies with over trying to find true love. I broke up with her, which led to a slew of childish text messages and e-mails, calling me gay and a tranny, and her mom joined the fray telling me I should be ashamed of myself for wearing high heels. Her mom joining the fray may have been a blessing in disguise; she exposed some of her lies, and my friends agreed that it's a good thing I called it off.

A few months ago, I joined a church, and I think it has been a good thing. I have made some new friends there, and it's a good feeling to find religion. None of my friends (except for my ex-wife) know about my crossdressing. I think I'd be terrified of telling them for fear of losing them, and while my family is pretty laid back, I'd be afraid of being a disappointment to them if I told them. My ex-wife figured it's really none of their business what I do in the privacy of my own home, though it does make it difficult having to hide things when my family comes to visit.

I'm just stuck with wondering "what's next?". My ex-wife left me with the words that I shouldn't settle for anyone who can't accept me for who I am, and I can't dispute that, but I fear the odds of finding that person are pretty slim.

Sorry for such a long ramble, but I haven't any idea if it's something I should find help with, or how I would go about finding it. It's so easy to say "if people can't accept you for who you are, then you don't need them in your life", but I don't want to be an island or the village weirdo either.

[Sarah Doepner]

If I were in your shoes (pun intended), I'd look around for a local CD support group. It sounds to me like you need an outlet and some non-judgemental friends. Those of us who have been through this for years will usually tell you these feelings will not be going away, so you need to be comfortable with it first. Then take your time to understand that although there aren't a majority of women who will embrace your CD side, you can find someone to share life with who will. Good luck

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

I was told once, there are friends and acquaintances. There is a difference and that is why I have a lot of acquaintances, and I have a few friends. Then there are family members and family members. Confiding in someone depends a great deal on relationships and there attitude. Sometimes they can be influenced by their friends too so you get confliction in your relationship with them.
I agree with Sarah Charles, and I think that a support group would be a great asset for your emotional needs and there you may find a real friend. I came out to my mother because I finally felt comfortable with her but I am reluctant to come out to family at the moment because they are dictators and do not listen or see reason. Now I have a mother and a very close friend. Silly thing is I have know my mother a long time and it has only been now that I have trusted her enough to tell her I am a CD, hoping to MtF soon.

[boardpuppy]

Finding a support group is a good idea. If you live in a Metro area this will be a lot easier. In the urban areas this is more difficult. Most CDers aren't gay or bi but just to let off a little steam, a gay/lesbian bar is a good place to socialize if en fem.
Are you out and about, this is the first step in progressing through your life.
Alice

[desa ray]

Hi hhdave. Seems we have about the same story, told my x about my cding and soon after we broke it off. then the terrible IMs and texts started from her and her sister as well. I have also been sort of awkward around strangers and never really had a lot of friends because I never felt I fit in. that is why I felt you may need to hear how my life is now, I have a wonderful SO now who supports me and loves me. I have begun to come out to friends and family with mostly positive results (I lived through it:) It just took time. Church is a great place to meet new people and I am sure there is a support group near you. A support group can really help you to connect with others like us on a personal level, get advice from people ho have been there and done that, so to speak. Also places like this forum are a valuable resource. I have gained a little more self respect and confidence from the encouraging remarks from some of the wonderful people here. The main thing is to be yourself, that way the next person in your life will love you for who you are and not who they think you are.
hope this helps :)
Desa.

[Diane Elizabeth]

Hi hhdave, Part of your story fits me to a T. I am a bit on the shy side and cannot carry on much of a conversation. I am no social butterfly. I don't talk much because I tend to get my foot stuck in that hole more often than not. Which makes me wonder how I managed to get married and have 3 kids. I belong to a church but I tend to stay away from it because of my dressing and feeling like I would be an embarassment to my family there. I am not out to anyone in my family other than the SO. I am still working up the courage to tell my mother.

This group has helped me a lot but it is limited in what they can do to help me. I love the girls here.

[hhdave]

Thank you all for your advice, I am grateful. Just this morning I prayed for some guidance, and from these tips I searched and found there is a CD support group nearby. Maybe He was listening and that's why I wrote that message. Again, thank you all. I'll get in touch with this group and see what they are about.

[VioletJourney]

Being "normal" is incredibly boring. It's the oddballs that make the world exciting.