My ex, my daughter, and crossdressing

[Miss Maxine]

So, I am in the final phazes of a divorce, and I have a six year old daughter, in the middle. I have been crossdressing for over two years. My ex and I have been separated for about the same amount of time. Typically, I go out wearing a skirt, shirt, modest heels, and some makeup...not full enfemme. My daughter has seen pictures of me dressed in my full ensemble, but has never seen me this way, in person. She is very familiar with my day-to-day feminine articles, however. We have discussed this in depth, and she has been very understanding. We go out together with me dressed in feminine clothes, without issue. Just the other day, my ex informs me that my daughter told her that she wanted her to tell me she didn't want me to wear a skirt to her upcoming soccer game. I call BS, on that. I think she is using my daughter as an excuse to express her own social issues. I told her that I think she should encourage my daughter to talk to me, about this, that no topic is taboo, between us. I also plan on asking my daughter to help me pick out an outfit for her soccer game (she has helped me pick out outfits, in the past). This will reveal her opinion on the situation.

So, with all that on the table; I welcome your feedback on the situation. ^_^

[Cynthia Anne]

I think letting your deaughter help you choose is good! However don't be disapointed if she chooses a pair of jeans!

[Miss Maxine]

I think letting your deaughter help you choose is good! However don't be disapointed if she chooses a pair of jeans!

Good thing I don't own jeans, then! I guess I could go out and treat myself to some nice Juicy swag, though...

[eluuzion]

hiya MissM,

I started my divorce when my kid was 2 years old. The ex already had a six year old from another marriage. I had shared custody of our daughter (Fri-Mon every single week).

I chose not to expose our child or anybody else to any CD related issues. I chose not to ever place her in the "middle" of any adult/parenting issues or ever use her as a "messenger". I told her from the start that anything she observes or hears at my house is free to talk about at "Mom's house" and I would never ask her to "keep any secrets" from Mom. She is 18 now and I am confident I made the right decisions that were in her best interest growing up.

My ex however, chose the exact opposite strategy. She lies a lot, just like when we were married. She exploited our daughter, put her in the middle of everything possible, and frequently asked her to lie to me about her Mom's activities. I did my best to compensate for my ex's lack of parenting skills and self-interested agenda, without ever bad-mouthing or disrespecting "Mom". It was extremely difficult to resist the urge to expose my ex for what she really was, but that would only have a negative impact on our daughter's quality of life and perception of people. So I refused to react and absorbed a lot of nonsense for our daughter's emotional stability. I feel that I made the right choices.

Children are not ignorant, nor are they ever as naive as parents try to convince themselves kids are. They are keenly observant and quickly realize who is playing games and who is genuine, as well as those caretakers they can truly and consistently count on to always be there to meet their needs.

One of my personal rules in life is to "never give bullets to a person with a gun who has the potential to shoot you." This rule particularly applies in divorce issues.

That's just my approach...everybody finds their own way...it is never "easy". As long as it works...for the kids...are what matters...to me anyway...

Good luck,:hugs:

:love:

[Miss Maxine]

If only you could have seen my head nodding up and down in approval, as I read your post. Thank you so much. You've reenforced so much of what I already believe.

[Melody Moore]

First of all, I think your wife might be fearful that you might try & manipulate your daughter's feelings and
that this could lead to teasing, bullying & abuse from her peers. I tend to think this is the case because
you really seem to be very adamant about going to this soccer game dressed by your comments as well.

So I think you really need to listen to your daughter here and let her have an opinion & be respected for it.
If you don't then this will turn around and bite you squarely on the butt - trust me because it will happen!

And just because she might have helped you pick out outfits in the past, I think this is the first time she
has found herself in this type of situation where all her friends will get to see her Dad, so I don't think that
you can call your wife out as talking BS here. You should all sit down and discuss this with some diplomacy
and rationality.

[ReineD]

Sometimes kids say things they think a parent will want to hear. It could be your daughter is not ready for her friends to see her dad in a skirt?

I'd ask your daughter point blank if she prefers you wear pants to her soccer game and at the same time tell her you don't mind doing this. If you're not going to see her before the game, I'd show up in pants just to be safe, and then discuss it with her later for the next time.

[Miss Maxine]

Her friends have seen me in a skirt. That is nothing new. I take her to the park, all the time, and she'll point out to other kids, "That's my Dad; he's the one in the skirt.". She is okay with people dressing differently. This is why I don't put much stock into what her mother told me. I'll have to ask my daughter, myself, to know for sure.

[Catina]

I believe that you must honor your daughter's wishes above anything else. This is a critical time in her life and it will be a memorable time for her when she realizes that your love for her exceeds any other agenda you may have.

[Miss Maxine]

If they are her wishes, certainly. I just need to hear it from her. I don't want her to feel like she can't talk to me. I will also continue to emphasize the importance of diversity and acceptance, as I always have.

[Melody Moore]

I am confused here, now you say....


Her friends have seen me in a skirt. That is nothing new. I take her to the park, all the time, and she'll point out to other kids, "That's my Dad; he's the one in the skirt.".

But in your original post you gave us the impression that she hasn't seen you dressed.


My daughter has seen pictures of me dressed in my full ensemble, but has never seen me this way, in person.

And just because she accepted it before, it doesn't mean that she still does, she might be copping
more flack over it and this is something else you must now consider - especially as kids get older.

[Natalee]

Adults typically operate under the premise of Live-and-let-live, and avoid confrontations at almost any cost.

Although children have not learned politeness, haven't learned there can be consequences to their rude comments, and ruthlessly ridicule each other. Via lack of knowledge, children are EVIL to each other.

Her request via mom, to not wear a skirt, may be true and a valid fear. But she loves you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you directly. I agree with Cynthia Anne. Hold up pants/shorts(dude clothes), hold up a skirt, and ask which she'd like you to wear to her game. Low pressure, she'll point, and it's over.

[Asche]

Her request via mom, to not wear a skirt, may be true and a valid fear. But she loves you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you directly. I agree with Cynthia Anne. Hold up pants/shorts(dude clothes), hold up a skirt, and ask which she'd like you to wear to her game. Low pressure, she'll point, and it's over.
I agree with everything except the conclusion.

She should not be asked to make this decision. She's only six. Would you ask her to decide if she should go with you when you see Last Tango in Paris?

My opinion: the soccer game is about her, not about you. If you go dressed, people's attention is going to be on you, not on her, no matter how open and liberal your community may be. (Imagine a mother showing up in a wedding dress.)

Unless you dress 24/7, to the point that people in the community would be more surprised if you showed up in drab, I'd say go in drab.

[Marie-Elise]

I am still confused about this paradox of whether your daughter has seen you dressed as a woman or not. Can you enlighten us?

I think this is at the core of the question. If she hasn't seen you in a dress, then you probably don't want to go out in public with her like that. If she has, then you need to understand whether or not she is comfortable being seen with you that way.

[Miss Maxine]

Typically, I go out wearing a skirt, shirt, modest heels, and some makeup...not full enfemme. My daughter has seen pictures of me dressed in my full ensemble, but has never seen me this way, in person. She is very familiar with my day-to-day feminine articles, however. We have discussed this in depth, and she has been very understanding. We go out together with me dressed in feminine clothes, without issue.

I am always wearing something feminine. Everyday. My daughter has been comfortable with this, for years, hence my skepticism concerning her mother's tesitimony. I understand that this is about my daughter; I just want to make sure the concern is really hers. I want to hear it from her. It is also very uncharacteristic for her not to talk to me. Communication between us has always been completely open.

[ReineD]

Maxine, I saw from your OP that you do wear feminine clothes daily, but that your daughter has not seen you full-on femme and by this I assume you mean with forms, full makeup, wig, etc.

Still, your daughter is only six years old and it is at around this age (give or take a few years) that kids begin to notice gender presentation differences. All it may have taken is for one of her friends to ask why her dad dresses as a girl, for your daughter to have begun feeling awkward about your manner of dress.

I can't say this is what did happen, but it is a real possibility and when you do speak to your daughter about this I hope you will try to remain as neutral as you can and listen to what she has to say, and give her a real choice, rather than approach it with something like, "you're OK with me wearing a skirt, aren't you?"

Not saying you'd do that either .. just trying to cover all the bases.

[Kittyagain]

I guess I am old fashion. To me, there would be question. Wear your male clothes when you are with children.

As much as you would like to believe you know their world, you do not. They will hear the other parents talking about you in less than flattering terms. Their children will hear it when the parents talk on the way home and their children will bring that back to your child like a bad swear word. Remember you will not be there to protect her with an explanation.

It just seems to me this is a very heavy weight to put on a child but it will not be much of a hardship for you to dress as a male when you are out with her.

I know this reads harsh but it is meant to be helpful and not to hurt.

Kitty

[Momarie]

Please tell us you don't wear those ridiculous balloons around your little girl.

[Momarie]

Amen, Sister Scarlet Rose!

[Miss Maxine]

I can see that there are some rather strong opinion being expressed, at this point. I am not going to let this thread degrade into an arena for irrational insults and unfouded conclusions. I think it best that I decline to reply to this thread, anymore. The subject is moot.

[KandisTX]

I'm confused, but then again this thread is a confusing one. First, you ask for advice on how to handle this situation, then when it doesn't seem to be the advice YOU want it to be, you call the subject "moot". My opinion is that you are being much too selfish here. Your daughter is SIX years old and that means her NEEDS must be put before your wants. Sorry to say this Maxine, but once you become a father, that child must take priority over all else in your life, and that includes crossdressing.

[DanyaKay]

Go as you feel because I would if I could. What is gonna happen when she is 7, 8, 9? Are you gonna forget how you feel? I'm betting not. BTW, send pictures of what you wear, because we all wanna know how to dress properly for a sporting event.

[docrobbysherry]

Maxine, u don't seem very rational to me. I mean, MY GOSH! She's 6! My younger daughter finally quit wetting her bed at about 5!

I've raised 2 girls and my feeling is that involving a 6 y/o in your dressing could be a BIG MISTAKE for u both!

I can't give u "advice" beyond that. Because of your avatar and your lack of detailed candor about your dressing INTENT, I don't know enuff to! I prefer that u DON'T reply as u seem to muddy the water even more when u DO!

But, I DO syphathize and wish u luck! I fear you'll need it!

[Nicole Erin]

Amen, Sister Scarlet Rose!
Don't praise her, Miss Momarie, Scarlett is trying to take over your soap box! You don;t want THAT do you?

[Alexes]

Go with your gut no one knows your daughter better than you.

[Missa]

6 is a great age. I'm so glad she's been so excepting of who her father is. She may also understand others are not as excepting. I'm sure thats why she feels bad. Talking with her is a wonderful idea. The more you talk about issues the better it'll be. She loves you no matter how you dress, thats what matters.

[Nicole Erin]

Well, I don;t know how this slid by me about the breasts but if you DO go dressed, just maybe try to blend in and not wearing hoochie the clown forms.

If you try to blend, then damage control is possible but if you wear those drag-queen titties, people WILL be making mean jokes

[María José]

If your daughter hasn´t seen you fully dressed in person, as you say in your first message, I think her soccer game is not the best place and time to go dressed with her. Go step by step. Fully dressed at home, fully dressed somewhere out of your every day life and don´t ask her directly, she will always say "yes" to you, she is your daughter and she doesn´t want to hurt you, but try to see her reaction, wether she is confortable or not. We are talking about her, we are not talking about you.

[ReineD]

Maxine, I guess the soccer game has come and gone. What did you end up doing?

[kristinacd55]

Sounds to me like your daughter should tell you what she would like you to wear. :)

[Miss Maxine]

Maxine, I guess the soccer game has come and gone. What did you end up doing?

I wore a red Eddie Izzard tour t-shirt, white girl shorts, sandals, and a little makeup, like I usually do. I brought my didgeredoo to make noise when her team scored. The parents and kids all loved it.