I have to get all of this out

[brenya]

I feel like I could write a book about my feelings right now, but I find myself feeling bad for even thinking about my own feelings. I told my wife, it's not something she thinks she can deal with. My heart has been bouncing off the walls, I'm feeling shame, anger, love, sadness and regret all at the same time. But this was my secret to tell, it's not shocking to me I've had 13 years to come to terms with and understand this, she has had two weeks. I do respect how she is feeling and even understand a little, not the way I would feel but I get where she is coming from and feel so terrible for hurting her. At the same time I feel that there is nothing wrong with me and frankly it does hurt to be thought of as weird or gross by somebody who I would hold the world up for. I also find myself imagining what would have happened if I had told her prior to our getting married, would it have been better? Honestly I don't think so, maybe I'm wrong but the only way I can think of to describe it is like a tree, a sapling that has just been planted more than likely would not survive a huge storm, but a tree that has taken root and grown strong more than likely would. even (god forbid) this is something that destroys my marriage I wouldn't trade the last 2 and a half years for anything, I have enjoyed my time with her so much she is literally like part of me. I hope this rant doesn't upset anybody or cause any drama but I just had to get it out somewhere.

[Danni Renee]

It is healthy to talk about your feelings - your post was not a rant. Having came out to my girlfriend, ex-wife, and mother I do not understand non acceptance - all three have accepted and support me. I can only hope for you that given time your wife will better understand you and find that the things she loved about you are the same regardless of the clothes you wear. Many girls here on the forum are able to find a middle ground with their spouses and their dressing and I hope you can too. Try to stay positive and we will pull for you and be here to listen when you need a sympathetic ear.

Danni

[Persephone]

Really sorry to hear how things are going for you right now, Brenya. Like Danni wrote, "we will pull for you and be here to listen when you need a sympathetic ear."

Hugs,
Persephone.

[ReineD]

Aw, Brenya, if she loves you as much as you love her, it will be OK. :hugs:

You are correct in saying that she will need time. Just keep telling her to keep talking to you. If she cries, just hold her. Get as much information as you can and give it to her if she wants it, but at the same time try to not go into overload. And please take it slowly with the CDing for the next while. Your wife needs to see that you are still her husband.

If you find that you are talking about this a lot and it is always heavy, make a pact with her that every 3-5 nights or so, the two of you should take a break from the talking and just go for dinner and a movie or something. Be sure to try to maintain normalcy, if you can.

There is nothing in your wife's internal landscape that helps her to intuitively understand this and yes, she will go through the same turmoil in learning to accept this as you have. You could invite her to join this forum in a few weeks. Let the information sink in a little first. We do have a support section for the wives, just click on the link below my signature for the details.

Also, there are two stickies written by MarlaGG, one in the M2F section and the other in Loved Ones that you might benefit from reading.

:hugs:

[Gocaps14]

I am married to an unaccepting wife also. I have a lot of feelings associated with her: why can't she accept all of me, what is the harm, she even calls crossdressing disgusting and that if she knew she wouldn't have married me( I came out to her MONTHS beffore getting married.My advice is to detirmine what is important to you and then follow that. I can say this because I have done everything wrong and havw learned from that. For me, I underdress, in privat. Not sure what my wife thinks, she refuses to talk about it at all. I have tried to talk to her for YEARS, she will not disscuss it at all. I decided that I will respect her wishes and keep this part of me private. Its not ideal for me, its an unspoken comprimise. It is how I am choosing to live my life and I am ok. Decidew how you want to live your life and then follow your decision.

[Andrea63]

Hi everyone not long joined the site
I'm in the same situation , my wife hates crossdressing . I told her when we first got together , so I wore undies now and again . I thought all was cool . We married and had are first child , and everything died , she made me promise to stop , I did , for a while . But as we all know it never goes away , so she caught me a few times , big rows etc . So after 20 years married , I'm locked in the closet still , and so want to get out . I love her , but feel she has never felt the same . I accept her , and all her faults . But she can never allow me to be my self .
I think there is a lot of us in the same situation
Andrea

[kimdl93]

I can't think of anything more frustrating that wanting to talk through the subject of CDing with an SO who simple refused to discuss it. I don't know how one starts a conversation, but it seems to me that if you're suffering in isolation that something has to give. Maybe someone here can suggest ways to break that barrier to conversation.

[brenya]

She talks about it, it's not like she is shutting down or anything it really seems to have more to do with how she feels about me as a man if you know what I mean. I told her I'd stop but she knows enough to know it's not really healthy, and wouldn't even matter much at this point because it's more the idea of it rather than the actual act. I have not dressed since like the night after telling her. I honestly think we are going to work through this.

[Karren H]

I remember those feelings... And they weren't fun.... But even if she comes to accept that you are who you are even if she doesn't like it. The bigger issue imho..... is the perceived loss of trust she will have. That you lied (or technically didn't tell) and that is by far way harder to mend.... It takes time. We are +4 years and still not back to the day before she found out. Sigh....

[Jenniferathome]

Brenya, there is nothing wrong with you and there is nothing wrong with your wife. All you can do is talk. Hear her concerns and address them. She should know she can set boundaries that you both can live with. Time alone, is not the answer. You have to talk. Alone or with a counselor but you have to talk. It might be a few sentences only at first, but at least you are communicating. Best of luck

[JamieG]

Brenya,

I am sorry to hear that it is rough for you now, but please take some solace in that you did the right thing. Imagine how much worse it would have been if she discovered it on her own. As many have said, it takes time:



You are correct in saying that she will need time. Just keep telling her to keep talking to you. If she cries, just hold her. Get as much information as you can and give it to her if she wants it, but at the same time try to not go into overload. And please take it slowly with the CDing for the next while. Your wife needs to see that you are still her husband.


To keep talking is important, but also, to paraphrase Reine, there is such a thing as too much talking.



If you find that you are talking about this a lot and it is always heavy, make a pact with her that every 3-5 nights or so, the two of you should take a break from the talking and just go for dinner and a movie or something. Be sure to try to maintain normalcy, if you can.


I REALLY like this advice. When I first told my wife, we slept in separate beds for a few weeks. The road to mending started when my parents came for a visit that was planned long before. We had to pretend like nothing was wrong, and that got us acting "normal" again


I remember those feelings... And they weren't fun.... But even if she comes to accept that you are who you are even if she doesn't like it. The bigger issue imho..... is the perceived loss of trust she will have. That you lied (or technically didn't tell) and that is by far way harder to mend.... It takes time. We are +4 years and still not back to the day before she found out. Sigh....

I second that. The loss of trust can be the biggest issue. It doesn't matter if you didn't lie to her face, you actively hid an important aspect of yourself from her (note, I understand why, I did it too). You need to explain yourself, beg her forgiveness and work to re-earn that trust by being honest and forthcoming from here on out.

I wish you and your wife all the best! With any luck, your relationship will be even stronger after it survives this test. I know my wife and I are closer than ever now.

[Lynn Marie]

I'm in the same boat. Lost my longtime lady friend when I told her about Lynn. At that moment, I was a different man than the one she fell in love with, and even more was that loss of trust mentioned by Jamie and others. "What else have you hidden from me?" "If this doesn't go away even by stopping then what else will it develop into?"

For some silly reason, when you expose your femme self early in a relationship, it just seems to be no big deal. The trust is still there and may even be enhanced. Also your crossdressing may be why you are such a sweet, sensitive, guy!

[ReineD]

For some silly reason, when you expose your femme self early in a relationship, it just seems to be no big deal.

Oh Lynn Marie, it's not a silly reason. I can't begin to describe how devastating it is for a woman to feel as if she was kept out of an important part of her husband's life. I don't think I'm exaggerating when I compare this to a woman who discovers she is married to a polygamist, or her husband has an out-of-wedlock child. It's just the idea that the person you thought you were closest to and kept no secrets from, should compartmentalize such a significant part of themselves. It feels as if their other life is so much more important than anything else and it seriously puts into question a husband's loyalty to his wife.

And it takes a long, long time for a wife to understand the depth of the fear involved in telling a wife about the CDing.

[charlie]

Hello Brenya!
Wow, this letter shows just how much this forum not only brings us joy to know that there are many more of us out there and that we really are not so weird, but also we all suffer the same hardships and problems because of our dressing. My wife of 10 years found out that I dressed about 2 years ago. At first she was leaving me, thought I was extremely screwed up and hated everything about Charlie. I got her to read this forum, join the woman's side of the forum here , and gave her everything I could find about crossdressing (good, bad and the ugly). Slowly she started figuring out what I thought and compared it to what she was reading. There were many tears (still are sometimes), much soul searching, and even leaving. However, she is still with me. Not the same as before two years ago, but so far we are still together.

[kendra_gurl]

I love you

I'm very sorry I was too embarressed and did not trust you enough to have shared this with you before now

I am not gay

I do not want to become a female full time

I have not been unfaithful to you

I do not fully understand my need for this

I have tried to stop and know I cannot

We are both adults and have our faults

We can share this togeather or I can continue to hide it from you

Its time to stop ignoring the issue and talk about it

[JamieG]

I love you

I'm very sorry I was too embarressed and did not trust you enough to have shared this with you before now

I am not gay

I do not want to become a female full time

I have not been unfaithful to you

I do not fully understand my need for this

I have tried to stop and know I cannot

We are both adults and have our faults

We can share this togeather or I can continue to hide it from you

Its time to stop ignoring the issue and talk about it

Wow, Kendra! I think these are great talking points for anyone who is coming clean with their wife. I could have used this outline when I first came out. Of course some may not apply to all of us.

[Kaz]

And it takes a long, long time for a wife to understand the depth of the fear involved in telling a wife about the CDing.

Really important point! I am in a good place right now in that my wife is giving me loads of space and creating it for her also. We also do not want to lose the relationship we have... BUT that relationship has changed for ever and there is no going back in her book. Did I lie...? No... it took me years to understand and maybe this forum was what made me realise where I was... so how can I lie about something I do not know about/understand? We grow as people... we develop as people... I am committed to the vows I took at our marriage... in sickness and in health, for better for worse, till death do us part. I respect her right to want to end things if she does... but I committed for the long haul and I will NEVER let her down (well apart from the fact that it transpires I am a CD, which I didn't really appreciate when we got married!)...

Brenya... keep talking to her and be honest. The chances are that she will not accept it, nor condone it, but she just might be prepared to live with it. You need to still be everything that she thought she married though... even if those expectations were wrong!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Brenya, One thing about this forum it shows that you have a lot of sisters in the same boat
at least we have each other.


Orchid

[Phylis Nicole Schuyler]

Beautiful metaphor. Know that you are not alone in this situation and feelings. This is a great group to let it all hang out. You'll have, at least, someplace to vent your fears and frustrations and get support from people who have gone, or are going through, through the same thing.

[brenya]

Ok, last night was amazing, my wife and I talked again after talking to her doc (me too, we have the same doc) and she said shes ok with this as long as there are boundaries, she doesn't want to be a part of my dressing, which is fine, she would prefer if I don't do it out in public (didn't want to anyway) and if anything changes about it/me I talk to her immediately about it, which wont happen but of course I would if it did, so it seems we have come to an understanding and we even fell asleep together cuddling, life is good again!

[ReineD]

That's great news, Brenya! :)

But I would caution against not continuing to talk about this and developing a DADT routine. If you don't talk, or rather if your wife settles on the explanation that you just have an odd, quirky impulse that she is willing to live with, it might escalate over time to having the proverbial 800 lb gorilla in the room.

She need not be involved in the CDing. But, I can't stress enough how important it is for her to fully understand what it is all about, else she will be unhappy as your needs increase now that she knows.