Need advice on how to proceed, i'm really lost and desperate

[tanyavelour]

I don't know where to start, frankly, I don't even know how to proceed from now. I'm a male, born 26 years ago. My life has been mostly outside of my birth country(Brazil), because of my father's job, we moved a lot. So i don't recognize myself as a Brazilian anymore. My father said he will be transfered to the US next year and will take me. (Been living in brazil since december 2010) (Do you think this would affect my entrance in America?)


Anyway since I can remember, the earliest "episode" I had that is. I was 4, and I remember saying to my parents, I was a girl, and I didn't understand why I had this, and I wanted to pee like one. I remember being scolded by it, and I was inside a lift/elevator when that happened.

Then, I actually kept it hidden, but at the age of 7 i started to experiment my sister's and mum's panties. At the beginning I thought it was forbidden, and the fear of god they put on me back then, made me think "god will not like this". But i kept doing that until the age of 20. When I told my father, who was the first one I told about the panties and at the time, I asked for money to buy some, and he bought it. I talked about it a lot in 2005 to him about it, but I assured him, I was not gay. I still am not gay, I still have a deep attraction to women. Like... I like women so much, that I wish i was one. I don't know how my father would react; i know how macho the culture is, when families take pride in having boys and get irritated when their only boy is a girl. Though, since my father is having a boy with his mistress....

My mum knows I wear panties and some other feminine items, like some jeans, and those lycra or gym shorts from girls and pantyhose. But she doesn't like the idea much. Though recently she has calmed down a bit when she saw me going out with a girl I met online once and me asking her if she had a few young female girls so I could add on my real facebook (excuse, for games ). Though, once she got really worried/bothered I bought some bras when she confused the word "briefs" with "bras". I do have 2, that came free with 2 panties I bought, but she doesnt know I have them. Nor a skirt I bought. The pantyhose and the female lycra or nylon gym shorts I managed to get it through by saying that my legs keep rubbing each other. She knows it, because she has seen how badly it gets. Female pants fit me like a glove, I mean, the feel comfortable, nice and I have no problem with sizes or anything. Maybe because I have feminine legs and bum... Or because I have gynecomastia(had it on my early teens to this day). It makes a B to C cup(Not sure if I got the measurement right), I definitely have more boobs than many girls out there, it hurts running, but I'm not allowed to wear a bra.

My sister, she sometimes joke about it, but I don't know, never seen her have a problem. Though she is a bit of a bitch most of the time, and very difficult to deal with.

Ok, got a bit of the story done... I think I may have forgotten to add something, I will add later in further posts if I remember them.

These last few weeks I can't seem to beat this thing down. Usually, using a metaphor, 5% of the time it is like a fly on your telly, it is there bothering you with the other thoughts, but not major enough to take half or more than half of the TV. But 95% of the time is taking half of the TV. Somewhat like when BBC or other TV channels put adds on the credits at the end of the show by taking half or more than half of the screen and you have to squint to see the "bonus" of the sitcom you get on the credits. This last 2 weeks, my normal pattern of thoughts are the fly, and the desire of becoming one is the TV. That is how big it got. When this happens, I usually try to hide it, or beat the girl inside me back to the closet, but this time, she came out with a gun and I'm on a standstill!
For example when I look at boobs, there is the attraction, but it is equally shared with envy, the envy and desire of having it as well.


I've always hated this dick, I really always did, I remember wishing as a kid, that it would disappear and become a vagina.

Now, that I got my thought patterns out; comes my question and my need of advice.

I'm seeing a psychiatrist in regards to my heavy anxiety and OCD, I haven't told him about this yet, but, should I tell him? i'm afraid this may come out to my mum, or be persecuted in my family, or my mum hate me more...

Or should I tell to my father or sister... or mum before the psychiatrist? I don't know what to do... I've actually cried a lot at night or in the shower during the years about this.

thanks in advance for anyone who can help me in this matter.




I've decided to add this little bit I wrote below in this post, so it doesn't get lost and keeps everyone up to date easily. So I will constantly update this post, I hope you guys dont mind

I did a little scouting, just now, i told about a dream i had to make a point and to use it as a conversation starter(fact is, I came up with the idea of the dream, never had it hahaha). I used one of my gay second cousins as a scapegoat. i told her I was on a small city in brazil, on his hair saloon shaving my head(OCD stupidity) and then I heard my sister being robbed, and I told her to run, while wrestling the gun out of the robber. and I got killed in the process.


anyhoo, we talked about it a bit, told her that even when she denies it, I still love her. Everyone laughed, then I asked how my cousin came out, and what happened. (he is deaf and mute)

then I told them i got lucky that they found no problem with me wearing female clothing or panties. (trying to forget the small problems i mentioned above) She then told me, that she would support me no matter what, even if it goes against the mainstream of the society, and that it is important that I stay happy.

Somehow, that alleviated the problem, but from what I've seen transgender is a bit worse than gay. Frankly, I'm not so sure, if I talk to my mum first or to the psych first... or if I keep it hidden... crap!
______________________________________________


Done!!!!!! I told my sister and my mum, only my father and my psychiatrist left... Click here for more details :) http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?158931-Need-advice-on-how-to-proceed-i-m-really-lost-and-desperate&p=2581487&viewfull=1#post2581487

Once again, thank you everyone!!!

[AllieSF]

Welcome to the forum Tanya. There is at least one other lady here from Brasil, Marcia Polari. I Lived in Brasil for three years, way before you were born, and I was lucky enough to be able to return there many times on business. Now, back to you. First, please do tell your therapist. He/she really needs to know everything about you so that you can get some help. It appears to me that this side of your life is very important to you and needs to be part of the resolution to your issues.

Look around here, read a lot of the old threads, do searches on topics that are of interest to you and when you get your 10 posts you will be able to join others parts of the forum and send/receive Private messages (PM's) from other members here. Enjoy your stay.

[tanyavelour]

Welcome to the forum Tanya. There is at least one other lady here from Brasil, Marcia Polari. I Lived in Brasil for three years, way before you were born, and I was lucky enough to be able to return there many times on business. Now, back to you. First, please do tell your therapist. He/she really needs to know everything about you so that you can get some help. It appears to me that this side of your life is very important to you and needs to be part of the resolution to your issues.

Look around here, read a lot of the old threads, do searches on topics that are of interest to you and when you get your 10 posts you will be able to join others parts of the forum and send/receive Private messages (PM's) from other members here. Enjoy your stay.

thank you for the warm welcome. i'm more of a casual poster, I get distracted easily :D

I'm embarrassed to tell my therapist. i do have a weird little question; how do you manage to grow your hair? I have a slight OCD(im kidding a big one) with hair touching my ears, short hair were you move it into place and is not enough so it goes back to where it was, bothering me. I've tried a few times, but i ended up giving up eventually. I'll try again, considering I'm on new meds.

__________________________________________________ ____
---------------- Small update on my situation -----------------
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I did a little scouting, just now, i told about a dream i had to make a point and to use it as a conversation starter(fact is, I came up with the idea of the dream, never had it hahaha). I used one of my gay second cousins as a scapegoat. i told her I was on a small city in brazil, on his hair saloon shaving my head(OCD stupidity) and then I heard my sister being robbed, and I told her to run, while wrestling the gun out of the robber. and I got killed in the process.


anyhoo, we talked about it a bit, told her that even when she denies it, I still love her. Everyone laughed, then I asked how my cousin came out, and what happened. (he is deaf and mute)

then I told them i got lucky that they found no problem with me wearing female clothing or panties. (trying to forget the small problems i mentioned above) She then told me, that she would support me no matter what, even if it goes against the mainstream of the society, and that it is important that I stay happy.

Somehow, that alleviated the problem, but from what I've seen transgender is a bit worse than gay. Frankly, I'm not so sure, if I talk to my mum first or to the psych first... or if I keep it hidden... crap!:sad:

[AllieSF]

yes, I understand your hesitancy to discuss all with your therapist. This is where maturing and taking a pragmatic and logical look at a situation works so well for me. I look at it this way. I am paying them for a special professional service. If I don't give them all the details to do their job, especially a big detail and is really affecting me now, how can I expect them to do the job properly that I am paying them for. I am far from rich and I want value for my money. Second, this type of professional is sworn to secrecy by their medical oaths and by law in most places. They will not share your information with others except maybe in general terms when sharing experiences with other similar professionals as a way to share and learn from each others experiences. Third, if you want them to help you but do not share all the important details, why even go see them and pay them? So, no more excuses, do what is best for you and share all your issues with the therapist so that you can advance beyond where you are now. You are young and have so much fun and good life to look forward to. Why squander a good opportunity now and suffer unnecessarily later?

Not having OCD, I do not have a problem of letting my hair grow. In your case, why not start slow and work to confront that one issue a little at a time. Maybe let the hair touch your ears for a few days and then just trim it a very little bit so that it will grow back to where it touches your ears again. Maybe you can work hard and get used to it a little at a time, with the knowledge that you can trim it when you can't stand it any more. Maybe try to do it for 2 days, and then three and then four and so on.

Where in Brasil are you living now? I lived in Piracicaba for almost 3 years and traveled all over Brasil after that for work and a few vacations. I miss my Wednesday and Saturday feijoada and my daily dose of feijoa preto with rice and whatever else we would be eating.

[Hope]

Welcome. You are among friends.

The feelings you describe are not at all uncommon. I would bet that 100% of us here have felt similarly at some point. Your description of the fly in the TV is a great one and really clicked with me.

To answer your question is difficult without knowing what the conventions are in Brazil. Here in the US, a therapist isn't allowed to tell anyone else what you tell them, so it is very safe to talk to your therapist about ANYTHING. I don't know if that is the same in Brazil or not. It should be, but what should be and what is is often very different.

My suggestion to you however, is to talk to your therapist. If you are afraid of a negative reaction from your parents - you probably shouldn't tell them right away. At least not until you are able to live safely without any sort of financial support from them. Tell your therapist and let him work through some of the issues with you.

I know it can be difficult to tell your therapist. It is incredibly difficult telling anyone about this the first few times. It gets easier, but it is never exactly easy. You simply have to force yourself to do it. But if it is safe to do so, you should DEFINITELY tell your therapist. That is the best place to start.

[tanyavelour]

yes, I understand your hesitancy to discuss all with your therapist. This is where maturing and taking a pragmatic and logical look at a situation works so well for me. I look at it this way. I am paying them for a special professional service. If I don't give them all the details to do their job, especially a big detail and is really affecting me now, how can I expect them to do the job properly that I am paying them for. I am far from rich and I want value for my money. Second, this type of professional is sworn to secrecy by their medical oaths and by law in most places. They will not share your information with others except maybe in general terms when sharing experiences with other similar professionals as a way to share and learn from each others experiences. Third, if you want them to help you but do not share all the important details, why even go see them and pay them? So, no more excuses, do what is best for you and share all your issues with the therapist so that you can advance beyond where you are now. You are young and have so much fun and good life to look forward to. Why squander a good opportunity now and suffer unnecessarily later?

Not having OCD, I do not have a problem of letting my hair grow. In your case, why not start slow and work to confront that one issue a little at a time. Maybe let the hair touch your ears for a few days and then just trim it a very little bit so that it will grow back to where it touches your ears again. Maybe you can work hard and get used to it a little at a time, with the knowledge that you can trim it when you can't stand it any more. Maybe try to do it for 2 days, and then three and then four and so on.

Where in Brasil are you living now? I lived in Piracicaba for almost 3 years and traveled all over Brasil after that for work and a few vacations. I miss my Wednesday and Saturday feijoada and my daily dose of feijoa preto with rice and whatever else we would be eating.

Yes, you are right, I really should tell that to the therapist. It was already a bit hard coming out here, imagine in real life! ha! I hope my new med I'm taking for anxiety works. This is why I'm going to a therapist, because my OCD and anxiety is really heavy, there were times I didn't want to leave home, and most of the times I get anxious about anything! Even simply talking to a stranger to order some food. Yes, that bad!

I was talking to a friend of mine FtM, but she is stuck and doesnt know if she wants to go further, more like genderfluid. She suggested me to use hair weaving, and I thought that was a great idea. I'll try your idea when my hair grows again, I had a hair cute about a week ago. I hope it works :) So it will take a while.

I was born here, in Brazil, but my culture, way of thinking is really not from here. I'm having a hard time adapting to this place. Before these i took the meds I'm currently taking, I had massive anger issues, for example, OJ here is kind of a let down. I came from London after living there for 7 years. Anyway, back to your question, I'm currently living in Sao Paulo. I've only travelled a little bit here inside haha, just Brasilia, Goiania and a few small cities here and there to visit my ungrateful extended family. Frankly, my brazilian geography is HORRID, hahaha, I have +- the idea of where that city is, but I would need a map :D

I'm actually craving for some good old, delicious american food. I made my sister look up over the internet on how to do cajun chicken! I'm going to america next year, so, I've got to hold my need for some Taco Bell(yes, i'm cheap, i love those foods :D hehe). I don't know which city yet, it is between Chicago, NY, San Francisco, LA, Washington, Hartford and Miami, because those are the cities that have brazilian consul and embassy.


Oh, I sent an e-mail to my father(yeah, he lives in Brasilia) doing the same dance with the "dream" again, and let's see his response. Because, I'm sooo jealous of many tgirls out there, they look so awesome and pretty!


PS: i have another question, do you know if the scientific community has any problems with people like us? For study and for jobs. I've graduated in Biology and I'm planning on doing masters in either microbiology or astrobiology/exobiology (though leaning heavily on this one)

[tanyavelour]

Welcome. You are among friends.

The feelings you describe are not at all uncommon. I would bet that 100% of us here have felt similarly at some point. Your description of the fly in the TV is a great one and really clicked with me.

To answer your question is difficult without knowing what the conventions are in Brazil. Here in the US, a therapist isn't allowed to tell anyone else what you tell them, so it is very safe to talk to your therapist about ANYTHING. I don't know if that is the same in Brazil or not. It should be, but what should be and what is is often very different.

My suggestion to you however, is to talk to your therapist. If you are afraid of a negative reaction from your parents - you probably shouldn't tell them right away. At least not until you are able to live safely without any sort of financial support from them. Tell your therapist and let him work through some of the issues with you.

I know it can be difficult to tell your therapist. It is incredibly difficult telling anyone about this the first few times. It gets easier, but it is never exactly easy. You simply have to force yourself to do it. But if it is safe to do so, you should DEFINITELY tell your therapist. That is the best place to start.

Thank you so much for the welcome! *hugs*

yeah, annoying little fly isn't it? You try to scare it away, but it is always there. Right now, that little fly became my very sexy girly me with a machine gun pointing at me, so, no way to beat that little "hot bitch" back into the closet.

I think it does follow the same pattern in convention; I hope so! Because right now, I'm feeling very lonely, and very unhappy with the way I am. Before, as i said it, was barely bearable. I've decided to tell my therapist, after what AllieSF told me. that will be the real true test, to see if fluvoxamine can really hold me and not let me black out hahahahahaha

[danielleb]

I just wanted to be one more to say that talking to your therapist is probably the best option for you right now. I would try to refrain from pushing the envelope too much with family and instead wait and see if your therapist may be able to offer some guidance, or possibly even direct you twoards a gender therapist.

On the OCD front, you wouldn't be the first girl I've ever heard of that suffered from these types of issues, only to overcome them after coming to terms with who and what you are. So there is some hope there as well. It all takes place in your brain, and releasing one major portion of your brain is going to have profound effect on how you view the world from that point on. :)

[AllieSF]

Danielle makes a good point that by coming to terms with who and what you are will probably help in other areas of your personality too.

Now, to your last question. The scientific community should be a nice safe zone to work in, I would guess. However, it depends where and what type of organization, public sector, governments and universities or private sector, companies and private research labs. I have a TG friend who is studying and working with some high level people at a well known private university here in the San Francisco area and she told me that they are very conservative. The good thing is that California is also a very progressive state doing a lot to protect the rights of all, including the LGBT side. If you like that area, I would say, definitely go for it because that is an area where the USA is lacking in home grown talent. There are less and less young people interested ingoing into the sciences and technical fields. So, the future job opportunities should be very good, at least here.

[tanyavelour]

I just wanted to be one more to say that talking to your therapist is probably the best option for you right now. I would try to refrain from pushing the envelope too much with family and instead wait and see if your therapist may be able to offer some guidance, or possibly even direct you twoards a gender therapist.

On the OCD front, you wouldn't be the first girl I've ever heard of that suffered from these types of issues, only to overcome them after coming to terms with who and what you are. So there is some hope there as well. It all takes place in your brain, and releasing one major portion of your brain is going to have profound effect on how you view the world from that point on. :)

thank you for the advice! *hugs* for you too :D

I'm thinking of asking my therapist who is also a GP to help me come out to my family. For him to explain it to my mum and my sister.
You could be right, you know? I've lived with this all my life and the idea of finally coming out and starting everything will be so relieving! Damn! I wish I was born with the right equipment down there, stupid XY chromosomes!

[tanyavelour]

Danielle makes a good point that by coming to terms with who and what you are will probably help in other areas of your personality too.

Now, to your last question. The scientific community should be a nice safe zone to work in, I would guess. However, it depends where and what type of organization, public sector, governments and universities or private sector, companies and private research labs. I have a TG friend who is studying and working with some high level people at a well known private university here in the San Francisco area and she told me that they are very conservative. The good thing is that California is also a very progressive state doing a lot to protect the rights of all, including the LGBT side. If you like that area, I would say, definitely go for it because that is an area where the USA is lacking in home grown talent. There are less and less young people interested ingoing into the sciences and technical fields. So, the future job opportunities should be very good, at least here.

Thank you again for your comment, you will also receive a *hug*, don't worry, its cushioned, I'm a little bit ...ermm heavy. :P

Is your friend struggling with discrimination? After studying biology, preconceptions, discriminations and other ignorances we had or carried away from generations of bad knowledge goes out to the window. At the end, we are just a bunch of atoms, formed inside a star that went supernova, a bunch of cells, and that is it :) .

Once again, thank you everyone, from my heart, to help me make this decision! Thank you!

Do you think is a good idea to ask the therapist to explain it to my mum with me at his side?

[danielleb]

Do you think is a good idea to ask the therapist to explain it to my mum with me at his side?

Everyone has their own boundaries and limitations in how comfortable/couragous they feel with this every day, so there's no right answer, but talking with your therapist should help you figure out where you stand with it all. Talk with him/her? and figure out what you need for yourself.

My story is a bit long, but I couldn't have imagined not having sat down with my mom one on one when the time came. It was as much a declaration of who I was and who I want to be for myself as it was disclosing information to her. For me to have had a mediary would have been wrong, but that's just me, get your own answers!:p:hugs:

P.S. Oh, and I'm sure you'll gather this from looking around, don't make any promises! You may want to offer a compromise to comfort family, but in all likelihood they won't be the best solutions for you, just what you think others may want to hear, so steer clear. ;)

In my case I made the comforting comment that nothing was going to change overnight for me. Fast forward to two weeks later and I had thrown away all of my guys clothes and was full time.:heehee:

[tanyavelour]

Everyone has their own boundaries and limitations in how comfortable/couragous they feel with this every day, so there's no right answer, but talking with your therapist should help you figure out where you stand with it all. Talk with him/her? and figure out what you need for yourself.

My story is a bit long, but I couldn't have imagined not having sat down with my mom one on one when the time came. It was as much a declaration of who I was and who I want to be for myself as it was disclosing information to her. For me to have had a mediary would have been wrong, but that's just me, get your own answers!:p:hugs:

P.S. Oh, and I'm sure you'll gather this from looking around, don't make any promises! You may want to offer a compromise to comfort family, but in all likelihood they won't be the best solutions for you, just what you think others may want to hear, so steer clear. ;)

In my case I made the comforting comment that nothing was going to change overnight for me. Fast forward to two weeks later and I had thrown away all of my guys clothes and was full time.:heehee:

I'm trying to look around, but I'm so depressed or without any "will" that I get envy and sad that I see people out, or when I look at tgirl porn(weirdly enough, being a "lesbian" on a guys body, made me all hot!), sometimes I just go to my bed and lay there because of how tired I feel fighting this.

What was your moms response? I'm thinking of using a doctor because he can give my mum a bit of peace and calm(he did that on her recently diagnosed diabetes); To actually protect myself with a third party of any violence or "No, you can't and we will have to talk about this later!" (She said that to me when I wanted to paint my nails 7 years ago :P) She never did talk...but still... I want to avoid that. I'm hoping that he says something scientific that she doesn't get it much, like my brain is female, or was some "defect" when I was born or some other BS. Just as long as I don't get a can of whoop ass and being disowned. Or get a big fight that I can't handle emotionally.

Anyway, who really likes guys clothing? Right? So bland, uninteresting, ugly, lacks variety, uncomfortable... :)

[tanyavelour]

Hi Tanya -

I find what you write charming at times, at other times very vivid with striking images, and other times I just wish I could hug you and tell you that so so many of us have been where you are right now.

I'll second what others have told you - make full use of your therapist. Assuming that the therapist is capable with gender issues, your sessions with that person are the time when you can unload ... at one time I was where you are and reluctant to discuss what I really felt ... such a waste of my time and money and her skills.

Many of us have been frustrated by the bodies we were given to play with ... and many of us learn to see our situation as that of being gifted. And privileged. We are the only ones who are able to understand the joys and frustrations of being dual-bodied and dual-minded.

Your family dynamics (and Brazilian family life) are unknown to me; in the United States I would be tempted to tell you that - when you were ready AND when they are ready - to "girl-up" and tell your family yourself. Maybe you know that an indirect approach works best. Regardless, beginning to feed information to your family - perhaps from a scientific perspective - might be a good idea. In the past 20-30 years there have been so many studies in biology, brain development, the role of the hypothalamus, nurture vs. nature, embryo development, hormones/genetics and the first 12 weeks of life, etc. that you could lay the foundation for your own truths. It's silly not to make use of so many excellent papers that have been written about the T world (see Milton Diamond, Karl Bushong, Anne Vitale for example) and that explain how we come to be the way we are. Find them on the web and give them to your therapist! There's a relatively new book by by Oakland, California therapist Diane Ehrensaft titled "gender born, gender made" that's particularly good about gender-variant children.

Or you could talk about all the transgender fashion models who are suddenly so popular. That would be the way girly me would do it. In fact, Lea T - one of the super T models - is from Brazil, but you probably knew that.

Or you could talk about all the blogs by young people who are gender fluid, gender queer who feel no need for the gender binary because they do not want to be pinned down by such a limiting outlook on life.

You might be able to drop a fact or two, little by little, into many discussions with your family, building the foundation. They will, of course, wonder, and are likely to infer, long before you make any type of announcement.

Knowledge can be powerful; ignorance can be dangerous.

Regarding the loneliness: are there support groups in Brazil? You now have this forum where you are among friends and very knowledgeable people.

Thank you! I could really use a hug right now.
What did you do? how did everything turn out?

I'm so frustrated indeed, I'm feeling so powerless. I'm shitting myself with fear of how they will react. Sincerely, I don't think it is a battle I can win, and I'm sure I will be scarred for life if I lose it. I hope, I really do that the therapist can help me, I just need money to set up another consult, since my pills are running out(stopping could turkey side effects are a bitch!).

I spend sometime, when looking at movies, or TV series how cute that skirt is, or how nice her hair is, or how much I wish I had her face, or how much I wish I had her boobs. Or even what color is that lipstick, coz I want it... Or how did they do that makeup. Other times I try to imagine myself dressed up, out on the streets, happy, the feeling of the clothes, the hair, the freedom, the feeling of being a woman. I feel exhausted... :(

Yeah, not even I can tell you, since I'm not sure we can be considered a normal Brazilian family anymore, since our culture, or how we act is different. But they seem open minded enough, but I'm not sure if it is open enough.

thank you for the suggestion and the author names. I have a minor in Forensics, and one of the first things they tell us is that it is pratically impossible to identify the sex of the bones of a kid before the teens. You could have some luck with the teeth, but you must know the exact age. I've told her this countless times.

I know one that my mum knows, Roberta Close, I can probably use that. Then there's The Wachowskis brother's. The guys who made Matrix, Larry is rumored to be a transgender. (He looks damn good if you check his pictures!)

Though i'm not sure how she would react with the gender fluid and blog things. It took me a while just to shave my chest hair. She grew up on the 60's, hair and bad teeth were the charm!

I'm trying to imply here and there, like using one of the facebook games she loves, where I end up being randomly a girl, and I play with her how sexy I look.

I think there are, but I don't know if I could, as I have a few other phobias under my belt!


thank you for the assurance and for the reply! I would give you a hug if I was in chicago right now :)

[tanyavelour]

I actually cried when I heard her story.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/02/17/lea-t-oprah-transsexual-model_n_824832.html

this would make me so happy, yet battling the world is so hard.

She said something quite true, being gay would have been much easier and less painful for me and my family. I also wish i could be happy as a male, but I'm not. I've managed to beat this girl inside me back to the closet for so long, why can't I beat her back to the closet anymore? :weep::weep:


PS: I wrote this with tears in my eyes.

[tanyavelour]

Ok, I'm quite nervous and anxious and with my wierd sleeping pattern I still can't sleep; I'm tired enough to knock me out cold, but nothing...

I've decided to tell my mum and my sister first , today. After the encouragement I got from you guys and what I read from Anne Vitale. I will post more as soon as I tell them and the results or if i chicken out or if I see the time is wrong.

I can't wait to take this weight out of my shoulders

[tanyavelour]

I told them, and im in the process of explaining hormones. So, details, I will post as soon as it is over... Or if my adrenaline is high enough to keep me awake!

[tanyavelour]

Ok, I've explained to them, crying and I had difficult in speaking most of the time, but they accepted it. I was surprised at how well. I don't know how much of hormones my mum knows, since she went to watch TV whilst my sister showed more interest. So i explained more to my sister and gave her this site, which explains everything! ---> http://www.avitale.com/FAQ.htm#category 5 If my mum has any problems, at least I will have a backup, my sister, to help me out.

I showed them about the Wachowskis brothers, Lea T, Roberta Close. My mum also told us something we didn't know(my sister and me) , that my father is gay. I never suspected it, maybe because I spent most of the time trying to hide my own! I always dreamed my father being gay to facilitate stuff for me, now that I know I'm so glad that he is! Though he doesn't seem to accept it much because he tries to hide it from his brother and sisters, that he is a macho man and bangs women. He has a mistress which he will have a son soon.

Now that i came out, I think it will be much easier to tell the psychiatrist and see how I can get into HRT(I've gone out with female pants for years, wear panties 24/7 , and wear tight nylon shorts).

I don't know how to thank everyone, thank you, thank you,, thank you! thank you so much! I'm so thankful that I don't know how to say it, or have words for it! thank you! A googolplex of hugs for everyone!


Now i feel i can participate more, since I won't have envy or desires. After this little bitch inside me got out, everything changed, she did it, she did it good! I'm glad she won, and that my ugly, violent male lost forever! I'm so glad she won, so glad!
thank you!

PS: If you don't know what a googolplex is ...http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Googol

[Sharon]

I'm happy that things are going well now, Tanya, and I hope it continues indefinitely for you. Your family sounds amazing.

[tanyavelour]

I'm happy that things are going well now, Tanya, and I hope it continues indefinitely for you. Your family sounds amazing.

thank you!! I was actually so exhausted from it I slept 12 hours and I'm still tired. I'm actually surprised I'm typing this without having random characters being typed. Or having sense...

I'm actually so excited about it, I'm falling asleep with the thoughts of various things, like a cute dress, to purses, to shoes, to lingerie, to my form and boobs, and butt... To my hair.

PS: Oh joy, I slept 5 minutes seated on this chair whilst having this typed and having the window open. hahahaha

[tanyavelour]

Wow! I didn't realize you were so ready!

I'm proud of you girl friend.

Hugs

Oh, you are ready when you know about it since you were 4 :) I'm sure you were ready since the first day on your life you thought about it :)

thank you so much! And another very tight, and fluffy hug for you :) *hugs*