How to tell the wife...

[alisa71]

Well, I will keep it simple, I just have got no idea on how to tell my wife that I am in the wrong body...

I have thought about letting a few clues slip and see if she cottons on, but I think it would be so much better to be honest and tell her straight out. Only thing is, I just cant figure out what to say or how to start the conversation with her. All I can think of is sitting down and saying something along the lines of there is something I need to tell you and then just coming out with it. I am worried that this approach might just be too much - kinda like being hit round the face, and I don't want that. I just want to be gentle as I love her more than anything and want to be as gentle as I can...

Just wondering what approach or experiences others people have with this.

Thanks for listing,

Lisa xx

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Alisa

Before we can really answer that I would suggest you tell us how much your wife knows at the moment

As an example does she know you dress but has no idea your in the wrong body ?

[alisa71]

I don't actually dress as much as I would like because we are always here at the same time. So she knows nothing really... This has been constantly on my mind for a long time and she has gradually noticed a change in my moods and always asking what I am thinking about when I am spaced out deep in thought - I guess that would be a perfect starting point to start talking, but I want to be as gentle as I can...

[Jenny Doolittle]

Good advice Shelly. I know I struggled with the same issue for years Alisa, when I finally did come clean it turned out she knew or suspected more then I ever thought. My wife said she was really disappointed that it seemed I did not trust her enough to tell her from the very start of our courtship.

It takes a lot of time and discussion, good luck Alisa.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Alisa

The link in my signature will give you a lot of good information "How to tell your partner"

It was written by a genetic woman who is a member here

I hope this helps

[alisa71]

Hi Alisa

The link in my signature will give you a lot of good information "How to tell your partner"

It was written by a genetic woman who is a member here


I hope this helps


It helps alot - thankyou :) It is certainly a good starting point...

[suzy1]

I know nothing about this subject but that does not stop me from feeling for you Alisa.
I hope it works out for you and your wife.
Perhaps you can tell us when it does and give us a happy post to read.

All the best,

SUZY

[Eryn]

Well, I will keep it simple, I just have got no idea on how to tell my wife that I am in the wrong body...

I have thought about letting a few clues slip and see if she cottons on, but I think it would be so much better to be honest and tell her straight out. Only thing is, I just cant figure out what to say or how to start the conversation with her.

Dropping hints isn't a good idea, because you run the risk of her "discovering" an activity that you have withheld from her. Some women interpret this as lying and deceit, which you certainly don't want.

The direct approach is definitely the better choice. It's painful, but it puts you on the high ground.

How to start the conversation:

"Dear, there's something that's bothering me that I would like to talk to you about."

This statement is absolutely truthful and puts your wife in the natural mindset of wanting to be helpful. I'd recommend you wait until you have several hours available to talk before you use it.

[Jessinthesprings]

honestly I wish I could give you a simple answer... hell I can't even tell you from experiance. My wife figured it out on her own and prodded me until I had to tell her. I think however you do it... do it kindly, honestly, and respectfully.

[Hope]

Well... each of us has to come to terms with this and has to do this in the way that is right and authentic for them. But I have to disagree with both of your assertions. At least for me.

First - I think dropping hints is exactly the thing to do. When I talk with other girls about this I call it "softening the beachhead." This does a couple of things: First it gives your wife a sense that you are a bit more femme than most guys already. That helps to take a lot of the shock and surprise and unexpectedness out of the final revelation. It also gives her time to think and ponder and consider what she wants her reaction to be, to consider how she really feels instead of reacting in the moment. The first time I shaved my legs was about 4 years before I came out to my wife. At the time I never expected I would come out at all, and when my wife saw my legs she declared "That is HORRID!" Not the reaction I had hoped for. 4 years later when I did finally tell her, she said "I know" and has been my biggest fan, supporter, cheerleader and advocate. That is just my experience, but from it I say - drop the hints. Allow your wife time to ease into this idea that you may not be the manly macho guy you seem to be.

Second - I can't think of a worse way of going about it than saying "We have to talk..." Nothing good ever comes after "We have to talk" or from any other similar sort of conversation starter. The last thing you want when you are broaching the topic with your wife is to start with a handicap. You don't want to start with her already cowering behind the wall waiting to see what horrible thing you are about to tell her. Instead - keep the conversation light and fun and non-threatening / scary. If you tell her this as if it is cancer and going to ruin your relationship - she WILL respond that way. If you tell her in a way that says "Hey - this is another facet of who I am and I love you enough to let you into this part of my life" you at least have a fighting chance.

Minimize the surprise, and minimize the somber tones and I think you will be off to a much better start. But that is what worked for me - again, you have to do this in a way that is authentic to who you are.

[Eryn]

Before you decide that dropping hints is a good idea, read the threads from the GGs who have recently discovered on their own that their husbands were CDers or TS. Those "dropped hints" may lead to a jarring discovery of what has been withheld from her and she will be all alone with the revelation occurs. Your actions are very likely to be interpreted as lying and deceit because she had to discover them.

Being honest with her will not be pleasant, but it does show her respect and allows you to give support when she needs it.

Alisa, I really don't know that much about you but being that you are new to the forum I'd like to ask how certain you are of your own feelings. Are you so certain that you've already planned a trip to Thailand or are there still considerable doubts and questions on your mind? I know that I wasn't very certain when I had "the talk" with my wife. After that she became instrumental in helping me to better understand myself and therefore this search became part of our relationship.

[KrazyKat]

If I could share from our experience:

My Spouse had already been seeing a Psychiatrist for 7 years, so she had some backing in what she was telling me.

My spouse told about me 6 months before that she liked to wear pantyhose and that it was her way of getting in touch with her fem side and was it ok if she put them in her drawer instead of hiding them. I don't remember that we talked about a whole lot more. I do remember seeing her bending over and seeing the pantyhose top and shaking my head to myself, wondering, wtf? When she told me, it's not the way I would recommend. But, SO didn't have it all figured out, so once I did a kneejerk reaction, and figured out what was going on, we began the journey. Granted, we fast-tracked, but it's who we are. It still was transitioning together, because I had to transition as well as my spouse. To different thought processes and traditonal type rolls of gender, that is.

If I would have gotten hints along the way, I would have been more confused and maybe have thought some wrong things, as I did somewhat anyway.

The thing is, IMHO, everyone is different, and this is when you have to remember who this wonderful person is and how they handle things. Thats your best clue. Being open and honest and don't be afraid to simply say, " I don't know, I'm still figuring it all out."

Nothing wrong with that.

Best wishes, hoping you can find your path to happiness!!

[Andrea85]

I think hints are a bad idea. I did that with my now ex fiance. She got hints of it when she thought I was just CD. She told me that she was curious, and looked here with my old profile, and she found out the hard way. I was in the dog house for months before she softened up to the idea. That was still the reasoning behind our breakup though. If I were to do it again (no need since I'm with a man the only knows me as female), I would soften up the situation for a few months by mentioning things about it, but not trying to hint. Just to see how her reaction could possibly be. Then once you find out if she may take it well, then just say, something has been on my mind forever now, and I can't deal with it on my own. THen just be honest. That's how all my GG friends wanted me to come out my my ex, but I didn't listen and you see where it got me. (Well, that's not saying too much. I'm happier now than I ever was then.) YMMV

[CharleneT]

There is no right way. Avoid just blurting it out though ;) One thing I will suggest, regardless of her initial reaction, give her space to reconsider. Chances are good that she will go thru several different reactions, possibly very close to each other - or over time. Give her time to process it, time to grieve and time to be angry. All very legit reactions to this sort of news about a love one. All very common reactions. You are telling her that one of the most basic things about you turns out to be different. Expect confusion. Be open, be kind, be patient.

[Inna]

Hi Alisa, as I am eager to help I also realize the gravity of such reveal for I have lost my wife after 23 years of marriage. Such reveal is as important to her as it is to you, regardless of the circumstances it will alter her as well as your life. Potential for loss of a loved one is grave but real and you your self must be ready to cope with such possibility. Knowing a bit about psychology behind transgender issues, most of the loved ones who carry substantial waight of their own insecurities are going to be unable to cope with yet another controversial revelation and as a defense mechanism, will abandon you as a devastating problem not able to cope with. However, if such person is living their life embracing truth and capable of openness possibility of acceptance is greatly increased.

Are You Ready To Put You Life On The Line?????????????????????????????????????????????? ????????????????????

I suspect that I already know the answer, for I had been there my self :)

If such assumption is correct, be your self, you know the person she is and are able to adjust and soften the news of your life long secret. Make the truth be your light, truth and only truth will lead to happiness but it may cost you dearly. I had paid the ultimate price of a loss of loved ones I once thought to be unconditionally loving but as well, I had gained an immaculate love from the loved ones who remained at my side, the love so grand, I never before could imagine.

My signature banner contains the link to the website I had created to help transgender and their loved ones in need, look it up, see if there is anything helpful there for you and perhaps for your wife.

Love, Inna

[Sara Jessica]

I always get concerned when I see a brand new member contemplating dropping a bomb such as this. I think a more immediate question is how much do you know about yourself? What has led you to come to such a profound conclusion? Life experiences? Counseling?

Telling your wife something as blunt as "I'm in the wrong body" will eventually send a clear signal to her which will likely lead her to fear that you intend to transition. What will be your answer to that when she asks?

[Katesback]

When someone tells the words you are contemplating they can never be taken back. Also if you decide to tell her you would be very wise to assume that will be the beginning of the end of your marriage. The odds are tremendous you will end up divorced so take that into account if you are wise.

Katie

[Jay Cee]

Without knowing you, your wife, or what kind of relationship you have, it's difficult to give you the most appropriate advice.

Eryn asked you how certain you are of how you feel. I'd second that, and also ask if you have spoken to a therapist or other specialist. It's probably a good idea to know how far you want to go on this TG journey, before you let others know where you are going to end up.

However you decide to go about telling her, do emphasize that your being TG is about you, and not her fault in any way. Have some easy to understand resources (websites, books, pamphlets, etc) available, so that when she is ready, she will have something to help her understand what you are going through.

Wishing you success in your very interesting journey. :hugs:

[ReineD]

We all have different abilities to deal with the truth. For example, some women would not like to know if their husbands are having an affair, so as to avoid making any decisions. Others, like me, would prefer to deal with the situation head on. Although the women who wish to not be told the truth may feel safe in their cocoons, in my view if they are prepared to ignore the fact their husbands are seeing other women, it is best to bring all of this out in the open and just go ahead and have an open marriage. People who wish to avoid the truth are hiding from themselves and I see no benefit in living a life built on lies, since it is merely avoiding the unavoidable.

If you are in a connected, emotionally honest and intimate relationship, then dropping hints after you realize a truth about yourself is disingenuous and manipulative, as is the belief that the words you might choose to tell her will determine her reactions. It's best to just speak from your heart else your wife will sense any dishonesty. Your wife is a thinking, feeling person in her own right and if fundamentally after a period of learning and adjustment she is not prepared to alter her sexual orientation and transition along with you, it is doubtful that you can change this no matter how you broach the subject.

Please do tell her as soon as you can, but also be prepared to answer her questions. Is it your wish to eventually transition fully with SRS? You mention in a prior post that you wish to begin HRT, but is it also your goal to live your life fully as a woman, including changing your name? Also, have you spoken to a gender specialist? Have you always felt you were in the wrong body or is this a more recent development? And last, have you actually gone out as Alisa and interacted with people, to determine whether the experiences will match your expectations, and if they don't, are you prepared to begin a road of deep internal changes in order to deal with this?

You don't need to answer all these questions here. They are just things to think about.

[Melody Moore]

I have to agree that dropping hints does not work - I dropped the occasional hint in most of my relationships,
but dropped lots of hints in my last relationship. She reckons she didn't see it, perhaps she didn't want to see
it .I didn't come out & tell her because then I wanted to end the relationship & didn't want her to feel guilty in
anyway about it. So I moved out & started my transition once I got resettled. 3 months into transition I contacted
her & told her on then phone that I was living full-time as a female - she did not believe me, so a trans girlfriend
came with me when I went to drop the bomb shell on her by letting her see me in person. It was a total shock
when she seen me, but having my trans friend there helped her to get over it pretty quickly & she settled down.

We got back together after that for awhile, but then she struggled with the social & sexual transition that she
had to go through. So I expect this is something that every partner has to also deal with when their trans partner
wants to fully transition. Most women won't be prepared to do that & this is something you must respect & accept.

If you really love your partner then set her free if that is what she wants.