It’s hard to be soft

[Frédérique]

“You’re too hard for me.” (Shakespeare)
“Softer than a ripe fig.” (Cervantes)

Yes, it’s hard to be soft these days. It’s difficult to be a girly-boy in a man’s world. When all the males around me hold fast, never retreat, and have their “game faces” on, I am in the process of withdrawing away from masculinity, seeking a calm space for my blessed effeminacy via MtF crossdressing. I enjoy being a shrinking violet. Why? Well, violets are pretty...

The other day my sister and I went out to do some shopping, and, since the car needed gas, we stopped at the local convenience store to fill up. While I was doing so, I spotted a MENacing sign atop the adjacent gas pump – a large, painted gas pump nozzle was pointing at me, imploring me to “FILL IT UP!” The image was amazingly phallic on many levels, in fact there was a big drip hanging from the tip of the nozzle. I showed it to my sister. “Does that look slightly phallic to you?” I asked, and she replied, “More than slightly!” After seeing this image, the act of sticking the nozzle into the orifice of the car’s gas tank seemed vaguely sexual. Yep, it’s a man’s world...

You can blame the origin of this post on that sign I saw, or blame me personally – I don’t mind. I’m going to discuss hard vs. soft, hard being masculine and soft being less masculine. I do not wish to imply that femininity is the equivalent of weakness, nor am I stating that femininity is soft – I’ve met many feminine ladies who were hard as nails, in fact I would willingly let them drain the masculinity out of me and take the lead. As far as I’m concerned, being feminine and being effeminate are two different things – I am the latter, but femininity (according to one's own definition) is certainly folded into the mix, and the clothes we wear express this fact...

HARD means firm, solid, and unyielding to the touch. If you are a male, and you embrace the concept of virility, you may be vigorous and robust, “showing” great force or strength. You may be practical and shrewd, also harsh, severe, and stern – you don’t do things the easy way, and you never will. A hard male is not easily moved by pity; in fact he may be stubborn, inflexible, and unbreakable in his attitudes. Of course, he may also be industrious, persistent and earnest, but this may mean becoming stiff, conventional and constrained in the process. If he detects any softness in his persona, a male may strive to make himself rigid once again. Our hero must maintain this façade until the day he dies, and, it follows, he may wish to Die Hard as well...

Hardness has its price. You may become obdurate, putting up an active resistance against the pleadings of compassion and humanity. You may then become callous, with your sensibilities summarily deadened by relentless hardening. Over time, you’re not susceptible of kindness, mercy, or other tender affections. I’ve met many males like this, and the peripheral effect of their hardness was pain and discomfort for anyone around them, including yours truly. Males like to play hard ball with their hard heads and make life into a series of hardships. I know, there are exceptions, and I exclude all gentlemen from this discourse, but how many times have you heard phrases like “Too bad – I WIN!” “No pussyfooting,” “Kill or be killed,” “Boys don’t cry,” and the like? Why must everything be so HARD?

SOFT means giving way under pressure, or NOT hard. If you are mild, gentle, temperate, delicate, not strong or vigorous, you are perceived as being soft. You may prefer to do things the easy way; you are kind, not severe, but lenient and compassionate. You may be easily impressed or influenced, but, in the great scheme of things, what does it matter? You may be yielding or submissive, going about your business quietly and efficiently. You’re not loud, not harsh, and definitely not attracting attention to yourself by extolling your virtues to anyone within earshot. Being soft does not imply being cowardly, but others may assume that to be true. I think it’s safe to say that gentle courage is needed to crossdress these days, but few outsiders would take time to understand the concept – if your sensibilities have been tempered by life’s lessons, it follows that you certainly won’t be sympathetic to the idea of a boy wanting to be a girl. But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and...is that a male?

Ok, what does this have to do with MtF crossdressing? In my case, I want to be openly less hard and less male because my inherent personality requires it. In many ways I dress to soften the male I am. I wish to be calm and placid, and dressing gets me there. I wish to be smooth, less harsh and less severe, and dressing certainly helps. I wish to be tender, loving, emotional and compassionate – I already AM, but dressing enhances these qualities and brings them to the forefront where they belong. It takes a lot to overcome the hardness of masculinity, but I wish to be effeminate and present myself as less important, less enormous, and less a problem to those around me. In other words I want to melt, and then blend in with my surroundings – I do NOT wish to “stick out,” so I dress accordingly...

I can honestly say that crossdressing has mollified me to such a degree that I can no longer be a true representation of masculinity, at least in terms of hardness. I’m softhearted, but not a softy – I am most assuredly not weak in body, character, or mind. I think the latter is propaganda designed to make us boys tow the line, but I really don’t know what we’re pulling, or where we’re going, or what we’re going to do when we get there. Along the way, if you stop to smell the posies, you’re soft, and you’re exhibiting inappropriate behavior for your gender. Needless to say, if I wear women’s clothing for pleasure, I am setting myself up in direct opposition to all things HARD, which is exactly where I want to be. I think effeminacy is highly underappreciated, and, if the signs atop gas pumps are any indication, HARDness continues to rule the day...

Anyway, are you HARD or soft, or something in-between? I know, I’m dealing with extremes, but crossdressing allows me to cross over to the “soft” side and get comfortable with myself...

HARD, dude! Thanks for reading... :thumbsup:

[Alice Torn]

Well said! I am sick unto death of the hardness of accepted masculinity! I tried to blend in for many decades, pretending to be hard. It seems so unfair and sad, that the "hard guys" usually get to have a lovely lady. Women seem to still want the "security" of a strong, or hard man. I find being a hard guy, makes one very one-dimensional, and incomplete! "Nice guys finish last." True manhood and true womanhood, are reare birds, today, i think. The whole society has becaome callous, and hardened, including the females! I see this hardening of the heartsd, in both genders, and in gays, too. It is sad. We are still setting ourselves up, for hostile, or semi-hostile reactions, when we dress up, as ladies, and go out in public. The hard males are the majority, yet. I agree; We need a hard side, for emergencies, and to survive somewhat, but, it is sad, that males dressing as women, are still considered sick and perverted, when we are harmless souls.

[LilSissyStevie]

You know what they say: A good man is hard to find, but a hard man is good to find. LOL!

Me? I'm all soft and squishy and limp.....wristed.

[Kaz]

The good times in my various careers have always been when I was able to be myself. The worst were playing in a macho environment... just so destructive on every level. But I have built loads of male friendships in the world of work who also feel like this and they are not gay or CDs... it is just that the bullies usually win. Sadly we now have a lot of female bullies too. They copied the behaviours they saw that would get them ahead. The people at the top of society are generally idiotic, manipulative, arrogant, self-effacing and down right stupid. OK there are exceptions, but there we go... Gosh I so love bankers, politicians and media moguls!

[anonymousinmaryland]

WOW. What a wonderful post. Thank you for your time and efforts.

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

I like to think of me as a malleable and resilient person rather than soft or hard. I meander through life collecting experience as a tool to use in the future. Unfortunately there are times I break down and tear up and I cannot help that because it is me. My earlier years were conditioned to the hard masculine person that my society dictated to me as a male. I performed all the tasks I had to do as an acceptable male. I guess with life education, I realized that hardness brought silent suffering and at times tears flowed with regret.
Softness was never imagined because it was wrong for a man to be seen as soft. I guess that is why I prefer malleable and resilient. No matter what I encounter, I always try to keep on my quest to find and live as ME.
Nice post Frederique.

[suchacutie]

Great post! For about 10 years my job was heavily administrative. I was 3rd from the top and had immediate responsibility for a large percentage of the organization. This was before I knew about Tina. Yet, my organizational perspective was one of progress with as little angst as possible. I proved again and again that this was the best policy.

Yet, there were always those who wanted to be devious, macho, argumentative, and focussed on success by crushing others. I would put up with it for a while, and then when I ran out of patience, I would demonstrate my version of ruthless. Needless to say, I'm the one who retired from that position on my terms.

Now that Tina has arrived I've been able to learn that my gendered selves were present in those two forms of administration. Tina is incredibly organized and detail oriented. She is patient and thoughtful. My male self is less patient and shoots from the hip (with a pretty good aim!).

So, for me, I don't want to mix my two genders. I like Tina's approach to many things and now that I know her better I think I'm able to use that route in many aspects of life. However, there are times when my male side is useful, if not outright necessary! By keeping them separate, I think they are better identified and much better understood....much better! It's separate, and yet together for me! Soft and hard, identified, nurished, and kept ready as needed.

Now that I think about it, maybe it's a good thing there are only a few of us who understand how this works :)

[DebbieL]

Being transgendered I was very aware of the differences is both the "imposed" gender roles, those portrayed in media and such, and "actual" gender roles, as practiced by a wide variety of men and women. I also became very aware of how people reacted to different variations. Growing up in the 1950s, we had female role models like Donna Reed, Debbie Reynolds, and June Cleaver. These women were always wearing perfect hair, designer dresses, pearls and heels, and perfect make-up, even first thing in the morning and at the end of a long day. Real-life moms wore house-dresses, bath-robes, and slippers, might comb their hair out around noon, and might put on a loose fitting dress and flats if they were going out. Many women of my mom's generation suffered from severe depression which they medicated with booze and tranquilizers.

I couldn't figure out what made an attractive man. Sean Connery as James Bond? The Wrestlers on Saturday morning? The Football players on Sunday afternoon? Basketball players? Mohammed Ali had a pretty face and great body, but he was arrogant. Danny Thomas was funny, but not particularly handsome. Frank Sinatra and Eddie Fisher were nice singers, but not particularly attractive.

My dad was 5'6" weight 240 lbs, and going bald at 25. But he was loving, tolerant, and kind. He was "soft", and very nice most of the time. Even when I needed to be punished, he would make sure I understood why what I did was wrong, and ask me to name my own punishment. Most of the time, I would name something harsh like "no bicycle for a month", and he would counter with "how about no bicycle for the week-end".

As I grew up, I began to see how men and women accomplished things. Men tended to be authoritarian, competitive, and thought in terms of winning and losing, black and white, reward and punishment, success and failure. Women tended to focuse on coopration, supporting each other, helping each other, sharing ideas and responsibilities, and getting feedback and providing support. In men's world, even if you didn't care if you won, you didn't want to be a loser. If your team lost, you might get blamed. In women's world, if you were falling behind or having difficulty, others would come to help you out and give you support.

When a boy tried to adopt girl strategies, he was assumed to be a sissy, fairy, faggot, queen, queer,... and there was no distinction between sexual identity and sexual preference.

When a girl tried to adopt men's strategies, she was seen as a bitch. Very often, men would grudgingly do as requested, but often looked for ways to "put her in her place".

Since I was a boy who had learned to successfully adopt girl strategies, I was often attractive to girls who adopted boy strategies. Ironically, it worked out very well. Women who men avoided like the plague were happy to find a boy who not only didn't mind if she took the lead, but was even eager to support her in her objectives. Ironically, when there wasn't the struggle for power, these women were far more eager to share what they wanted and more interested in what I wanted.

After I came out as Debbie, several of my girl-friends and lovers were what most men would call bitches, but they were not just eager to date me, they actually liked spending time with me, and even enjoyed showing me off. They were more like boys in their behaviors, and were also sexually aggressive in the bedroom as well. Today, my wife sometimes tells me I'm a wonderful wife, and I tell her she's a wonderful husband. She knows that if I want to go out as Debbie, she can wear her pants and a jacket.

At work, a singificant part of my job is getting people from different organizations and different companies to cooperate and work together, and I have no direct command and control authority. Using the feminine strategies is a very effective way to accomplish the objectives in a way that everybody wins and everybody gets affirmed and recognized. In fact, I often deliberately play down my role in the success of the team, but if anything goes wrong, then it's my fault and could others please help me fix the mess I made? Instinctively, the rest of the team comes to my rescue. So much easier than the blame came. But I understand today that this really is the case, if things are working it's because everybody is helping each other. If things are NOT working, it's because I have failed to generate the correct team dynamic where everybody is empowered.

Being soft doesn't mean that you can't be very powerful. In fact, often, being soft can be far more powerful than being hard.

[sissystephanie]

I am going to stick my foot where it shouldn't be to answer this one! It is not at all hard for any man to be soft if he wants to! Whether he is a crossdresser or not! Being hard or soft is simply a matter of your own mind. If you control your own mind you make the decision as to whether you want to be hard or soft! Of course, if crossdressing has you in a state where you don't really control your own mind then that is a totally different story. From what I have read on this forum, that last sentance applies to a lot of people here! I am a man and also a crossdresser. But I can be very soft when I want to, and also very hard if the need arises! My friends all know that and respect me because of it!

[Phylis Nicole Schuyler]

Just don't cross over to the dark side or you'll have to wear a suit and helmet that looks like a male appendage.

[donnalee]

Frankly, the toughest people I've ever known were women. I believe toughness to be almost entirely mental and emotional, and women have developed and refined strategies over time that have helped them succeed in most things, but with subtlety and empathy rather than brute force. My SO went through WW2 in Japan, was in Tokyo when it was bombed, saw the death and destruction that ensued, and grew hardened to it while still a child. The little she told my about was horrifying, but to meet her in public, she was the epitome of politeness and social grace. She literally did this for a living; as I'm the shy & retiring type, she was our ambassadress to the world in general. In private she made no bones about what she thought, which was always with a rather cynical view of people in general.
The women in my family were the same, lionesses with wits for claws. "The female of the species-----". I was brought up to be respectful & courteous to women and regard them with the awe they deserve. However, the other side of this is when a woman decides to be a bully, my hackles go up, even more than a man behaving in a similar manner (she should know better); it's just something I refuse to put up with.

[Daintre]

There are just time when you bite your tongue and move on.....this is one of those times.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Donna, You may understand why i am a very strong woman. not on the scale that your S O went through. yet i had to go through things in my early youth. & do things not normal for my age. yet i was not hardened as said, tho some things really do effect us. that i know,

I did not fit the male or what a male was ment to be, & i never tryed to be a fit in ether, im so glad i never had a father. that may be strange to say . yet its the truth. If you knew what he was capiable of & did then youd agree.

...noeleena...

[TGMarla]

The hair on my arms, and their general physique, is hard and coarse. In the morning, I need a shave, or my face is hardened. My entire day-to-day life is hardened by the expectations and social programming of what it means to be male in modern western society. Crossdressing allows me to be a woman for a while, and embrace the softer things in life, where I can smell the flowers, appreciate the sky, admit that I actually like pastel colors, and generally chuck the hardness of the gritty male-oriented guidelines that to some extent govern my existence.

I'm hardended, but I like soft. I do soft. Viva soft!

[ReineD]

But I have built loads of male friendships in the world of work who also feel like this and they are not gay or CDs... it is just that the bullies usually win.

This has been my experience as well. There are men out there who do give themselves permission to be human, especially as they age and move beyond the stage of having to prove themselves.

[kimdl93]

There's the traditional male stereotype - the hard charging, aggressive, hyper competitive and hyper-judgemental individual. And I have had the misfortune of working for at least one woman who thought that these were prerequisities for success in the business world. But beyond that rather venal individual, the most successful people (male and female) I've known and worked with were able to be empathetic, caring, compassionate, and emotionally intelligent. Having said that, its been noted that in our modern world, the behavioral skills that contribute to effectiveness and success are increasingly those that we have traditionally attributed to females. (although they are present in both sexes).

It is possible that some of us have over compensated - by presenting ourselves as stereotypical males - in an attempt to hide or deny the existence of what we viewed, quite wrongly, as effeminate traits. Oddly, being false about oneself probably leads to needless conflict with others and with ourselves. I know that it has in my life.

[KarenCDFL]

And Freud said "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar"

[diannecourtney]

My word, such an effort, truly thank you for both the content, meaning, and perfection of execution. Dianne

[Ann Smith]

Such a pleasure, and an inspiration, reading your post, Frederique. Many fine observations, but one line stood out: You may become obdurate, putting up an active resistance against the pleadings of compassion and humanity. You may then become callous, with your sensibilities summarily deadened by relentless hardening. Over time, you’re not susceptible of kindness, mercy, or other tender affections. I’ve met many males like this, and the peripheral effect of their hardness was pain and discomfort for anyone around them, ....

... It struck me when I read this how universally attractive is the idea of being soft, being willowy and graceful, being feminine and silky. Virtually all males have some wish to experience life this way and present themselves this way. How could any human not want to be that way, at least in some ways at certain times --- or to dress in pretty clothes and cute little shoes ?? But there is punishment for displaying that desire. The punishment causes anger, which can't be expressed. The unexpressed anger comes out in additional hardness, harshness and unyielding behavior. That's where you get the extremes, i/m/h/o... frustration and vengeance at not being able to wear a cute dress and ballet slippers.

And hey that reaction is almost justified, b/c if you're a boy and that wish to wear that dress and slippers is denied, it's pretty tragic.

Great thoughts and beautiful writing. Thx much.

[docrobbysherry]

2 points:

I have found after getting to KNOW some tough, macho men, that for some, it was all a facade!

I've seen the toughest, most unyeilding macho men taken down and apart by a woman!

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

Actually good point Docrobbysherry I think if I remember correctly even a number of dying soldiers on the battlefield asked for their mother before they died. So I guess that even the hardened soldier still has a soft spot when one seeks help.

[Kaz]

It is such a shame that they leave this aspect of their lives until they are dying? So I will behave like a bully and beat everyone up and cause maximum mayhem, but now I am dying... mummy! I don't think so...!

I have met some serious bast***s in my life who are in positions of power... and the women who emulate them and gain power. This idea that getting women into top positions is good just doesn't work out the way we think it should... they often become caricatures of their male counterparts... just look at the Murdoch empire!

I am NOT saying that we shouldn't have women in top jobs, heaven forbid, it is essential... but we do not need 'women', we need the feminine perspective... and that means getting the right women in these positions.

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

Kaz,
I was spared military life because I lost my own father in Korean war when I was 10mths of age, I lost my grandfather in WW1 form the effects of mustard gas, I lost a number of great uncles during WW2 and one survived who had his tongue torn out and blinded as well as injuries to his limbs from torture. I have a step father who fought in Vietnam and for no F":*^&)*(* bullying, nor F*^&% maximum mayhem or any other F*(^& n reason other than following some stupid orders that were allocated by politicians who sat on there big fat butts letting many soldiers be used as machine gun fodder on the battlefield. My family would not let me go despite my desire to go and serve my country. I know for a fact my mother having many bad nights with my father from what went on the battlefield and it was not him bullying.
Sorry Kaz but I take offense to your first sentence.

[Intertwined]

Darth Vader: If only you knew the power of the Soft Side. Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Luke Skywalker: He told me enough! He told me YOU killed him!
Darth Vader: NO! I.. am your father.
Luke Skywalker: [shocked] No. No! That's not true! That's impossible!
Darth Vader: Search your feelings! You know it to be true!
163784

[Maria2004]

[QUOTE=Frédérique; Anyway, are you HARD or soft or something in-between?

I'm that "something in-between" aka flexible, being as hard or soft as the situation requires, which is a no brainer to me, but to the hard liners and softies I'm just a freak. :battingeyelashes:

[drushin703]

thanks Frederique......and then again thanks:
The only things hard in my life are the soles of my five inch pumps or possible the metal hooks of my satin paneled girdle.I have convinced myself
that sisies are suppose to be soft.My voice and touch are soft.My pantyhosed legs are soft. My press powder is soft. When I reach into my drawer,
even when the room is dark, soft is the sence that comes back to me.When I am fully dressed enfemme, I am sure, that for those moments, minutes
or hours, my masculinity has been compromised. But I am a creature with two sides, two personalities, two distinctly different dispositions. I wrote in
a post befor that everytime I paint my fingernails pink, my voice gets softer.Perhaps we crossdresser are the only souls on earth that can say
that feminine stimuli, however suttle, changes us........from negative to positive, from hard to soft...dana


sissify to paradise.

[Ashley Allison]

I think the big secret is that almost all men actually "soft" on the inside. The tough guy facade is for the world to see and acts are form of protection.

A lot of my hobbies involve dangerous competition and in some instances include violence or simulated violence. It never amazes how fast some guys can go from ultra macho to whiny crying little babies as soon as they get beat.

[Frédérique]

Darth Vader: If only you knew the power of the…

Cute picture, but please do not compare or confuse hard/soft with dark/light – in the polarized times we are living in, HARD may be seen as “light” and SOFT is most certainly seen as dark (i.e. evil, perverse, or what have you). If you don’t believe me, just watch network television for an hour or so during prime time, OK? Sad, but true…
:sad:

[TGMarla]

Come on....the "Hello Kitty" Darth Vader is priceless!

[Intertwined]

Cute picture, but please do not compare or confuse hard/soft with dark/light – in the polarized times we are living in, HARD may be seen as “light” and SOFT is most certainly seen as dark (i.e. evil, perverse, or what have you). If you don’t believe me, just watch network television for an hour or so during prime time, OK? Sad, but true…
:sad:

My appologies, not what I intended, I was just trying to make "Light":lol: of the post...

But whats is funny, I look at it exactly opposite, Hard = Dark, and Soft = Light...