I felt a woman's fear...

[Jay Cee]

...or at least I think I did.

As I was driving home tonight with my gf, we passed a gang of teenaged boys walking down the sidewalk. There were five of them, and a couple looked like scrappers.

It took a few seconds to process, but I realized that if I was a woman, and I was to meet this group in a less than favourable situation, things may not go so well for me. It felt both like a validation of who I may very well be inside, but also felt like a little piece of freedom stolen away from me.

I feel like I don't have much of that internal rage left, like I did not that long ago. In turn, I feel more defenceless against violent crime. I know that is not true - there are tazers, pepper spray, and self defence classes available. The first two, however, are illegal in Canada.

It's an odd thing to contemplate. Odd, and scary.

[Zenith]

One of the first things I missed. As a guy you get used to going anywhere you want, anytime you want (including at night), alone if you want. As a woman you simply cannot do that. It shouldn't be that way, but it is. It's a sobering reality.

[Eryn]

One of the first things I missed. As a guy you get used to going anywhere you want, anytime you want (including at night), alone if you want.

Y'know, I've never felt that way as a guy. There are some places that I won't go in broad daylight, let alone at night. That's just prudent. I've never received any sort of a "thrill" from going into a dangerous area en drab.

Now, I'm even more careful when dressed. Public places in good areas work just fine for me.

[Zenith]

Y'know, I've never felt that way as a guy. There are some places that I won't go in broad daylight, let alone at night. That's just prudent. I've never received any sort of a "thrill" from going into a dangerous area en drab.

Now, I'm even more careful when dressed. Public places in good areas work just fine for me.

Well...within reason. The point is you are even more limited in your freedom. The medical center I used to work at offered University Police escorts to your car at night. Probably anyone, but mostly women used the service. I didn't feel the need until transition...

[Louise C]

I got the chance to talk to a woman who had transitioned many years ago when i initially began my journey in 2009 - Personal Safety was her main topic of conversation. I guess after being a man for 41 years, i didn't really fully appreciate what she meant, but as time has gone on it has become all too real an issue for me, and thats without being full time!

I posted a few months back about a guy who was very threatening towards me whilst i was out with a friend - his only clue was that i had shoulder length blonde hair and was clean shaven, but the things he said confirmed that he had noticed me before at this place. "Hey Look! There's that f***ing bloke again" at full volume, (with an inflection of annoyance) in front of his two mates. This was telling me things on so many levels. There were plenty of people around too. I dread to think what would have occurred if i had been out alone at night with this character around.

I guess the fear is what has held me back from being full time for so long.

[karlas dream]

This is the fear I have.. that I will not be able to protect my family... then I got thinking there are loads of woman out there who can kick ass, so why cant I be one of them, I have been taught so much in my time in the forces, and I don't think transitioning will take that away.

[Hope]

One of the first things I missed. As a guy you get used to going anywhere you want, anytime you want (including at night), alone if you want. As a woman you simply cannot do that. It shouldn't be that way, but it is. It's a sobering reality.

Yup.

I keep pepper spray in my purse. I was walking through a parking garage just last night where there was a single guy walking in the opposite direction and I thought "hmmmm... I should not walk past him... I think I will walk over here instead." and I did.

I used to hate it when I saw women doing things like that around me - being afraid of me just because I was a guy. Now I do it. It is a hard thing to resolve... It is a new reality to live with.

[Wendy_Marie]

I won't attempt o turn this into a Self-Defense thread but will simply say the term "Situational Awareness".....I use to help teach a womens Self defense course which consisted of both Class room and hands on demonstrations up to and including the use of non-lethal weapons (Such as car keys, Pepper Spray, kubaton etc...)and firearms training.

We spent more time in class room teaching people to just be aware of their surroundings than any other single aspect of the course....It is far easier to avoid a confrontation than it is to fight your way out of one.....There is an old chinese proverb that goes (I'm paraphrasing) "If you have to resort to violenece, you have already lost the fight."

I have said this many times in other threads but it still amazes me to see how many people...both Male and Female go through life with their heads down avoiding eye contact and never knowing whats going on around them. I trained to live on condition yellow...some may say this is ludicrous and unnecessary, but if I have a fight coming to find me...I want to see it coming and face it head on.

Jay Cee As for you saying that you don't feel you have much rage left! There is nothing more feared in the world of man or even the animal kingdom than the wrath of the female of the species who is threatened or defending those they care for...I bet if the time came, you would find more inside than you realize.

[Jay Cee]

I won't attempt o turn this into a Self-Defense thread but will simply say the term "Situational Awareness".....I use to help teach a womens Self defense course which consisted of both Class room and hands on demonstrations up to and including the use of non-lethal weapons (Such as car keys, Pepper Spray, kubaton etc...)and firearms training.

We spent more time in class room teaching people to just be aware of their surroundings than any other single aspect of the course....It is far easier to avoid a confrontation than it is to fight your way out of one.....There is an old chinese proverb that goes (I'm paraphrasing) "If you have to resort to violenece, you have already lost the fight."

I have said this many times in other threads but it still amazes me to see how many people...both Male and Female go through life with their heads down avoiding eye contact and never knowing whats going on around them. I trained to live on condition yellow...some may say this is ludicrous and unnecessary, but if I have a fight coming to find me...I want to see it coming and face it head on.

Jay Cee As for you saying that you don't feel you have much rage left! There is nothing more feared in the world of man or even the animal kingdom than the wrath of the female of the species who is threatened or defending those they care for...I bet if the time came, you would find more inside than you realize.

You may be right, Wendy. It feels really weird to me, though, not to have that almost palpable energy just beneath the surface. I feel like my armour has been taken away. But you are right - there are many ways to defend oneself. And avoiding a fight would be the best start.



I used to hate it when I saw women doing things like that around me - being afraid of me just because I was a guy. Now I do it. It is a hard thing to resolve... It is a new reality to live with.

I can remember walking across the street just so that a woman wouldn't think that I was following her. And now I see, and feel, why. I hate it when a small group wreck it for everyone else. :(

[Aprilrain]

As a guy you get used to going anywhere you want, anytime you want (including at night), alone if you want.

UM????? where do YOU live! come to my city and I will show you places NO ONE wants to go!

[Inna]

Sooooo true, I lived my entire life and even though developed my body to the point, no respecting punk would start anything, I always felt fear when amongst angry testosterone infested environment. I knew I can take on equals and yet this fear was there all the time. Now I am 60 lbs less all the extra muscular shield is gone and what I felt before makes entire sense. I never was a man but well pretending, manly little shy girl. I am so glad to be ME, despite all the freedoms being gone and all the possibilities of weakness. This is who I am, this is who I always was! However I still am 6' tall, and looking straight in their eyes helps :)

[Melody Moore]

Personally I have always believed that women have to be extremely careful where
they go & not to be caught out in any place alone & where there is poor lighting at night.

In recent times I have began feeling more & more vulnerable as I loose my muscle mass & strength.
I have got a lot of martial arts training under my belt, so I hope that the techniques I have developed
will still serve me well if ever there should come a need to use it again. But the way I feel now I really
don't want any confrontations anyway & to be put in a situation where something bad could happen.
So I find myself thinking about it a lot more now, especially if I am going out in town for the night. Now
I am thinking about who I am going with, what the plans are and how we are going to get home later.

There is no way I would like to be forced to walk the streets of Cairns on my own at night. Even though
I can take care of myself, I wouldn't like to be encountered by a group of males, especially if they were
armed in anyway. So if I go out with my girlfriends and they have other plans that don't fit with mine, I
will drive my car into town and won't drink very much so I can drive home later. Because it has also got
to the stage you cannot trust taxi drivers to do the right thing, especially those we get from India now.

[arbon]

I relate - One day last week I parked my car on the side of the street and the car that had been behind me came up beside me really slow, almost stopping, with three young men in the car all staring at me. They checked me out and then the one on the passenger side stuck his face out the window and put on a disgusted look and acted like he was going to puke. They parked about 1/2 block down from me and got out of their car and looked back at me. I thought oh crap! and was feeling pretty scared at that point. yet at the same time I was not going to take crap and was ready to stand up to them and was looking around for other people. I could not see them starting confrontation really because it was daylight and there were plenty of other people around. Then they turned away from me and crossed the street and walked down an ally. I went into the store I had stopped there for and when I came out their car was gone. It shook me - nothing like that has happened to me before.

[ReineD]

Y'know, I've never felt that way as a guy. There are some places that I won't go in broad daylight, let alone at night. That's just prudent. I've never received any sort of a "thrill" from going into a dangerous area en drab.

I have three sons who are physically larger than the average man and who have all proven their physical strength either on the football field or the wrestling mat. Yet none of them relish a skirmish and like you, they prudently avoid situations where they might needlessly get hurt.

The adrenaline might kick in if ever they were provoked though and I don't know if they feel the same degree of fear, Jay Cee, that you describe. I know I do and it is something that I dislike intensely. When I became single, people said I should get a dog to help protect or at least warn me at night. I'm from a country where the gun culture isn't as developed as in the US, and I grew up with a fear of guns. I was also advised to take self-defense classes, such as Wendy Marie suggests.

It's sad that we live in a society where it increasingly becomes necessary to feel we need to protect ourselves like this. I remember when I was young and living in Canada, I felt safe walking at night along city streets. Not so anymore, not even there.

[Franki Kate]

I have known the fear. About 35 years ago, I had a couple of punks began to chase me though the downtown streets or Salem, Oregon. I was in pretty good conditoin in those days at the age of 30. I even supprised myself at the rate I could move in 3 1/2" heels. I was able to outrun them and get to my car for safety. They never found me or the car. However, from that time on, I spent more time in being away of my surroundings and those people therein.

[Joann Smith]

being raised in the projects i understand setutational awareness and have learn to trust my instincts when it comes to my personal safety. however in female mode i have realized that my sensenses are dangerously off ...I at times tend to put myself in setitutaions that i in guy mode do not give a second thought but in girl mode they have proven to be a bit dicey.... and what drove this home to me was one incident where i got into a heated discussion with a young man to the point where i told him that i would beat him like a runaway slave ...and he bust out laughing and said ...I do not see you even breaking a nail let alone beating nobody up !!!

I was really hurt because it was then that i realized that all that the male presences that i use to have is no longer there... and the new reality of my life is that...i scare no one any more...and any punk with a pecker is gonna say what ever he wants to me now and there is not a damm thing i can do about it ..

[Hope]

being raised in the projects i understand setutational awareness and have learn to trust my instincts when it comes to my personal safety. however in female mode i have realized that my sensenses are dangerously off ...I at times tend to put myself in setitutaions that i in guy mode do not give a second thought but in girl mode they have proven to be a bit dicey.... and what drove this home to me was one incident where i got into a heated discussion with a young man to the point where i told him that i would beat him like a runaway slave ...and he bust out laughing and said ...I do not see you even breaking a nail let alone beating nobody up !!!

This is an important realization.

I read stories here (and on other forums) all the time about girls who get into trouble on dates, or take stupid risks just failing to realize that they do not have the physical presence and intimidation factor that we used to have. Awareness of our newly created vulnerability is important. I wonder how much shorter the list would be in the day of remembrance if we all figured this out sooner.

[Melody Moore]

I have come to that realisation and consider my safety if I am going out in town for the night.
Cairns city can be a dangerous place at night with so many drunken idiots around the nightclubs.

So two things I think about before I even get dressed & put on my make-up is how am I getting
into town & how am I getting home? And if you do rely on other people to go into town with then
you cannot rely on them to go home with. Sometimes people change their minds & decide to stay
out longer than was planned. I am very hesitant to drink a lot of alcohol because to do it safely,
you need to be sure you are with friends who will make sure they look after you & make sure you
get home safely. There are many things that can happen if you are drunk & on your own, including
getting locked up being drunk & disorderly, to being seriously assaulted, robbed, raped and/or killed!

If you travel anywhere in your car at night always make sure that you park in a well lit area & where
people are around because this will reduce the chances of an assault, abduction or rape occurring. If
you go jogging or exercising anywhere, then go to places where there are lots of other people. There
has been a spate of sexual assaults & attacks on women walking & jogging on well known walking tracks
in Cairns. It was just in the local news here where one woman made the mistake recently of being on a
walking track alone too early or too late and was hit from behind, robbed & also possibly raped because
she was found semi naked & unconscious on the track. So go with a friend if you want to exercise or if
you are going to just even go walking around town. Because the arseholes who do this crap are opportunistic
weak gutless cowards that will usually only attack a person who is on their own while noone else is looking or
is there to render any assistance to them. So always remember the golden rule that if you are alone, then you
are at the greatest amount of risk of an attack. So stay safe by being around other people you know & trust.

[JennyA]

i just realized this 2 days ago. I am now passable enough to turn male heads, but not passable enough where I can be thought of as female completely. I am afraid of the guy out their with his friends, it's at night their are 3-4 of them, they are drunk, I walk by and the guy sees my legs first and gets attracted to me, then when he really sees the whole picture he knows that I am actually a man to him. So this upsets and confuses his sexuality and he also has his dudes with him so he takes that confused anger and decides to mess with me.

I think that envisioning this very real threat has made me realize that I too am no longer male and cannot hope to use my muscles and mass to walk anywhere I want. I used to go anywhere I pleased and never give it a second thought. Now I am going to have to really plan out my trips, especially since I am in a bad area. I will never walk in the dark alone again, at least I hope not to.

But one thing I hope I don't do is let that fear of that very real asshole out there make me take a step backwards and not wear a certain blouse I like because I think it might attract too much attention from that pissant on the sidewalk.


I want a gun. I had so many people yell stuff in this new area the last few days and all I could think about was how I would feel protected if I had a firearm. In Ohio here we have a concealed carry permit so I could really get one and keep it in my purse. I think I intend to. Or not, I think I'm just still upset that people are so closed minded that they feel the need to threaten another human being who has done nothing to them and asked nothing of them.

[Melody Moore]

Jenny, I agree with Val here, don't get a gun! As she pointed out it is too easy for someone to take it off you. If
you got within 3 feet of me & was sticking a gun in my face, you better be prepared to use it, because in a blink
of an eye I can turn a handgun on an attacker & make them shoot themselves & disarm them in a very quick move.

And what happens if two or more guys have a go at you and you pull your gun? but then each of them pull out a gun
each eh? or you come up against someone with some serious training under their belt? You will find yourself suddenly
out-gunned and will most likely going to end dead. Use your head head and stop walking through a minefield everyday.

The best way to stay safe is to use your head & maintain full situational awareness and STOP putting yourself at risk!

[Natalee]

JennyA,

GET a gun, without a clear and deciding force, you leave yourself vulnerable to mob-mentality, and mutilation, even death.. You ALSO need training, and recurring training. if you are in a LIFE-threatening situation, the training will keep your head straight to only use force as a LAST resort to fend off rape/mob/death.

Unlike Australia, Chicago, and UK; us AMERICANS have a bill of rights which ensures our ability to defend ourselves. Not to mention the random-acts of violence like store robberys; which kill the non-prepared citizen. Let the idiots in Australia, UK, Chicago, California, and New York die in evil acts; they deserve what they voted for. It's no wonder there's so much crime in those locations; evil people fear no strong resistance. (I know Chicago is in America, but let's face it; you surrendered your rights.)

I would advise against a purse to conceal. Look at eBay for the Flash-Bang bra holster. And never use a gun to deter an attacker; if you pull it out, you better use it instantly. But you'd better take a few bats to the head before even considering it.

I made a decision over a decade ago, I would never fall prey to a random act of evil resulting in my death.

EDIT: I just read your topic: "So people have been yelling stuff at me on the street " You'd also better avoid those locations like the plague. If you go there repeatedly, YOU invite trouble..

[JennyA]

Thanks for the advice all. Yes, today I went out dressed half and half and was safe. The idea of a gun isn't something I will go out and buy, it's just I have this fantasy of being able to pull it out and humiliate the one trying to humiliate me. Make that jerk pee himself in front of his mates or better yet put a bullet in is stomach and whisper in his ear as he dies a slow painful death. I wouldn't do that obviously! But it doesn't stop me from imagining it.

[Kaitlyn26]

This is the fear I have.. that I will not be able to protect my family... then I got thinking there are loads of woman out there who can kick ass, so why cant I be one of them, I have been taught so much in my time in the forces, and I don't think transitioning will take that away.

Ding ding! Right answer.

[Charlena]

My father, USMC 1944-1947 told me to never pull a gun on someone unless you are ready to kill them. Don't expect a person/persons to run away just because you have a gun.

[Melody Moore]

Charlena, this is soooo true and why I made the comments earlier that pulling a gun on me is a bad mistake,
just like when someone threatened me with a knife, but then when he & his friend went to attack me, it was
the guy who made the threat towards me with the knife that ended up in intensive care & fighting for his life.
Lucky for me there was witnesses that backed me up that I acted in self-defence or I could have ended up
in jail. I am scared of what I might to do someone who pulls a weapon & threatens me. If I am confronted by
someone with a weapon, my first thoughts are this person wants to either A. Seriously hurt me or B. Kill me!

If I see a window of opportunity to disarm & subdue such an offender who is seriously threatening me or other
people, my reactions become so automated that there is no way to stop myself once that whole process of
defending myself or other people has begun - even if I wanted to. The adrenalin kicks in & I literally become a
'mad-man'. I have never just got up & attacked anyone in my life, so I have no criminal history of violence at all.
But I have defended myself & other people & stayed within the boundaries of the law quite a few times now using
potentially lethal but measured amount of force to subdue the violent offenders who were charged by police later.

I have not had anyone pull a gun on me ever yet, but I have trained a lot in readiness for such an armed
confrontation. But I know through my training in these self defence manoeuvres against someone with a gun
takes a lot of confidence, but it also requires lightening fast flexes & very quick thinking and a powerful wit
just to set it all up & execute it all successfully & still come out of it alive. So I would not recommend anyone
to try and disarm someone with a gun without having proper training. But the main point I want to make about
guns is that they can give people a false sense of security if used to intimidate or threaten the wrong person.
Finally if someone knows how to move very evasively, especially if you have a whole a gang of males who are
quick on their feet, they can be a very hard target to hit if they decide to rush & disarm you.

If you insist on getting a gun, then you should also undertake proper self-defence training & continue to
maintain a high level of skill & awareness with using firearms in a combative type role through on going
training. Failing to do so could get yourself killed or even land your butt in jail.

[SabrinaEmily]

I say get a gun, train with it, hope to never have to use it, but if you do, shoot to kill.

Of course most of self-defense is staying out of situations where you need to use it to begin with.

[Babeba]

OP, I hear you on this one. Nine times out of ten or more the scary people are just fine once you chat with them (I've always found my mouth to be my best weapon of self defense)... but can you really take that chance?

There was a lot of crime and panhandling around my old apartment and to be honest, I didn't even fancy walking over to the bar that was literally three minutes from my place because it passed by a lot of alleys, despite all the neat shows that were always playing there. It seemed really silly to drive that short a distance, so I never went. I rarely walked right around the neighbourhood after work, because inevitably SOMEONE would ask for money, get insistent... and there's only so far I want to deal with that, especially once someone turns angry because I'm not giving them what they want. (I always offer to buy them food if there's a nearby place we can get to while still being on the main streets, but never agree to giving cash - sometimes that gets people angry.)

Now I'm living in an area with a lot more green spaces, a lot more people out walking, jogging, and playing with their kids. I love it! The only problem is, though, that I generally get home through the alley and we're not far from a couple of bars/fast food places. A couple of nights ago when I was riding my bike I ended up circling past my place through the alley once or twice because there were some guys hanging out in the alley who looked like they wanted to be mistaken for gangstas. Brr. For all I know it'll turn out that they're nice guys and live nearby and they'll help me dig my car out of the snow in wintertime, but it just pinged my creepy radar enough that I was considering leaving my bike on my upstairs neighbour's front lawn and going around the side of the house.