I love crossdressing but...........................

[Julie-Ann Fletcher]

i have a desire to be a female permenantly but i have lots of obsticals in the way,i have a wife that has no interest in this side of me,i have 2 daughters (11 and 17),i'm a truck driver,i have a house and mortgage etc etc etc

i wish i could restart my life from when i was in my 20's,no mortgage,no job,no wife,no kids.

i love the way it makes me feel when i do get the chance to dress,even slipping on a pair of nice panties makes me feel that i need to be female and enjoy the wearing of female clothes permanently.

At the moment i am feeling quite un-happy being myself and relish the thought of being someone else and starting all over again,




anyone got any ideas that could help me?

julie-ann xx

[Cynthia Anne]

I can relate to that! If I could start over! With IF being the largest word! Hugs!

[Lady_Chaos]

I might be young to say this but do you have any regrets meeting your wife and having your kids? if not I don't see a problem. You are were you should be in life.

I know some days are difficult, I've thought about the switch a few times... just need to think of the good times and grow on them. If it is just the feeling of the clothes start out with panties everyday, ladies jeans, heck you could get away with bra's and cami's in the truck. long sleeve dress shirts work (princess seam cuts) with softer fabrics (that's what I wear to work with ladies jeans ... cami's to be worn in winter when I wear sweaters). Sorry if this next part is stereotypical - there are plaid princess cut shirts in softer fabrics, they can easily be dressed up or down.

my 2 cents.

[RachelDenise]

Julie-Ann, I share those thoughts sometimes. We all have made choices and have some regrets. I wish I had more information about what I was going through at that time. Now I pretty well up to speed, but am solidly in place where I am. No real changes happening for me. The odd feminine experience sustains me. And oh yes, I'm working on that time machine in my spare time!

[suzy1]

I think it’s good sometimes to just except that we can not have everything we want in life.
If we dwell on something that’s just not possible it will only rob you of happiness and keep you from appreciating what you have got.
I only ever wanted to be a fighter pilot when I was growing up. Now as an adult I now better than to shoot for the stars!
Enjoy your feminine side but at the same time be mature about this.
Appreciate what you have got Julie-ann.

SUZY

[noeleena]

Hi, Julie.

I have total no regrets as to who i am . im a woman who is different. we have 3 lovley grown up adults (( kids )) 33 35 36 . girl & two boys , we allso have 9 grand kids under 14. & i would have missed out on them if i thought i could have been some one else ,

Or not been who i am as a person . i knew what i was at age 10. different . yet knew one day i would live as a woman..tho i was from birth intersexed, so my difference. i was perceved as male so what, my point is look at it this way no kids no time with Jos 37 years of ,
Yeap bloody hard . yet was it a waste no way.

I'd say you have two rather neat kids & a lovely woman by by your side okay , wearing nice sexy clothes & looking nice is far different than being a woman every day all the time . you like dressing & thats great.. does it really change your mind are you really a woman who thinks as one have womens thought's .

Im a builder a tradesman & proud of that. yet im a woman & no way would i have ever wonted to be some one else i spent 46 years in the trades & enjoyed my time , pretty well most of that. & nore would i change that. im not going to say all of my life was a bed of rose's far from it . yet hear this ...... with out my past i would not be where i am today......

Dont wish on a star that will never shine. learn to be happy in your self accept who you are i did 54 years ago.

Can i say love your woman give her what she needs . give her your all.

Those two lovely girs you both have just love them with all you can ,

One day you may wish you did , & then it'll be to late .

Work thro what you really .....need ..... to do , be really honist with your self what would you or will you if you do cross over in to our world, Jos & i have lived through ...HELL...for 8 years , because im a woman yet we both have come through that . we dont live together nore have for over 7 monthes , yet we are still doing things together we are both just two women . fact is we are both planing on a trip over to Austraila, next year. we are both saveing up for that.

What im getting at is if you decide to live as a woman you may lose all you have so think very carefully about how it will effect your family . we;v been through it together . are you strong enough to handle that . think in your S O ;s shoes & your two girls,

Its deverstating i can tell you.

Do think it through. a whim or reality.......

...noeleena...

[Kittyagain]

Julie Ann, a family is a valuable asset in a person's life. Try not to make any decisions when you are in this mood. It will pass, not all of it but this peak will smooth out. I am not advising you to ignore your female side but keep it in perspective until you and your family can work this out.

Kitty

[Karren H]

No one ever said life was going to be a fairy tale. You have to deal with the cards your dealt... Personally I wish I had drawn a larger pair.... But anyway.... Who wouldn't want to be young and start over? To me marriage and family are commitments that I don't take lightly. They come first imho. even if it means I can't do what I want or be who I want to be... Too late for that decision. So I find things that make me happy. Compromises. But that's just me.

[linda allen]

I think it’s good sometimes to just except that we can not have everything we want in life.
If we dwell on something that’s just not possible it will only rob you of happiness and keep you from appreciating what you have got.
I only ever wanted to be a fighter pilot when I was growing up. Now as an adult I now better than to shoot for the stars!
Enjoy your feminine side but at the same time be mature about this.
Appreciate what you have got Julie-ann.

SUZY

Well said Suzie, I couldn't have said it better.

[Sara Jessica]

To wish you could go back and do it all over again would be to wish your family away. I doubt you really mean it that way.

Also, the way you are conveying your feelings, it's sounding like it's all about the clothes. Regardless of what your internal motivations are, the following advice can be applicable. In fact, if it truly is about the clothes (as in you self-identify as a CD'er), I'd think this advice would be that much easier to heed.

Short of dropping a bomb on all that you hold dear, I recommend that you find a way to achieve balance in your life. Cherish that which you have built, and also that which you have an obligation to provide for. But at the same time, carve out time to cultivate your feminine side. In doing so, you will find at times these two aspects of your life will be at serious odds against one another, but as I have recently discovered, there is that point where a very happy medium can truly be achieved.

This is something that is certainly easier said than done but given the cards you have taken from life's deck by your own choosing, it's something that you really need to strongly consider.

[Badtranny]

even slipping on a pair of nice panties makes me feel that i need to be female and enjoy the wearing of female clothes permanently.

I'm sorry for your pain Jules, but will somebody please explain to me why wearing panties makes you want to be female?

I really don't mean any disrespect, I sincerely don't understand this and I think the discussion will help a lot of TG gals who might think they're conflicted like Julie Ann.

[Briana90802]

Not to be mean or anything but you have alot! Don't focus on what you don't have and focus on what you do have. We are always so consumed by the things we don't have that we sometimes forget things we do have. You live in a house full of girls, meaning you get to be around girlie things all the time, you have a loving wife, who with the right talk could probably be more understanding. Sometimes we want things but do we always need them? Or even know why we want them?
The most important advice ive picked up over the years is this. Don't play the "what if..." game. It just serves to make people miserable. Change the things that you can change in your own life and don't worry about the things you can't change.

[kimdl93]

I absolutely have some advice: Get Real.

The first thing you need to do is thinkg realistically about your life. You have a wife and family, a home and a job. These are not barriers - they are the most genuine rewards of life. Instead of telling yourself that these obligations are denying you happiness, please spend a few moments at the beginning and ending of each day, giving thought to how lucky you are. And each day, try to do something enjoyable with the people you share your life with. Have some fun with them... (its an old therapy trick - basically you can act yourself into new ways of thinking more easily than you can think yourself into new ways of behaving).

Then, when you have acheived a realistic and appropriate state of appreciation for all the good things in your life, think about when and how you might incorporate this inner female into the mix of things. It needn't be exclusively clothing...in fact, I'd argue that the real value of the feminine you is in bringing a heightetened emotional intelligence into your relationships. Practice listening and thinking about the way others feel, and reflect on how you can better respond to what they're feeling. And learn to express how you feel - without making some demand.

You say you want to be a woman. Being a woman is not living with out responsibilities nor loved ones. In fact, i'd argue that for most women, its just the opposite. Thinking more about others, and less about yourself might be your first step towards being the woman you wish you were.

[Vieja]

I doubt that wearing panties made you want to be a woman. IMHO I think wanting to be a woman came first and that led to panties.


Vieja

[Stephanie47]

I'm in retirement, so I've been around for a while. Do I have regrets concerning being a crossdresser? I wish I wasn't. It would make life simpler. I envy the younger crossdressers because, even if they do not have the acceptance of others, they may have acceptance of who they are. They can thank the Internet for that. In my day, as I said numerous times, to be a crossdresser in the 1960's was to be viewed as a total 'faggot.' It would have been nice NOT to have been totally confused about sexuality.

As to being a woman. I do not know too many women, who just like wearing feminine clothing, and do nothing else. To be a woman also includes working at a job to support self and family; bearing and raising children; putting up with a husband; keeping a home tidy; yadda; yadda; yadda.

Being a crossdresser is different than a transsexual. I am not a man trapped in a woman's body. I am a man who happens to dress as a woman for stress relief on occasion. However, if I was born a woman, that would have been OK too.

[StarrOfDelite]

I have daydreamed about how life might have turned out if I'd been self-aware sooner, and have imagined about being young, having femininization cosmetic surgery, moving to New York earlier to take advantage of the cosmopolitan ambiance, et cetera. But, overall, the cards life dealt me were damn good, and even if I could, I wouldn't wave a magic wand and make any of the important choices about how I played those cards go away.

My suggestion is that you do not in the future let the choices you made in the past destroy your hope. If you feel the need to be a woman 24/7, you need to get professional help to discuss your situation. Hanging onto a marriage because it is convenient or "best for the children" is usually not a good idea ever.

[suchacutie]

Life never proceeds as intended, and hindsight always seems to show us a better life.

Don't fall for it! The first thing to do is to realize the good things around you and then start from there. In fact, I would suggest that a positive attitude from you will change your world, albeit slowly. Your positive directions will slowly change those around you. It will take time, but don't give up!

tina

[TGMarla]

I echo most of the sentiments here, too. Like you, I have often thought that I'd rather have been born female. However, I was not, and I have a wife and family to consider when bandying these thoughts about. My desire to live as a female largely revolves around how much I enjoy presenting as a woman. I enjoy wearing dresses and high heels. I like hosiery, and long hair, and wearing jewelry. I like having long pretty nails, and wearing makeup. I even like imagining what it would be like to have female genitalia. But notice: these are all superficial things. Actually being a woman does not mean a world of dresses and high heels. It's not an ongoing littany of getting my hair and nails done. It's not all pantyhose and pretty bracelets. But my crossdressing world IS just that: an entire activity involving little more that getting all dressed up and revelling in the feminine delights that I love so much.

So you need to boil your broth down to the gravy and figure out what your true motivations are. You may find that having is not the same thing as wanting, and that you already have in your life what it is you desire. If it's really all about wearing the clothes and making a feminine presentation, then you can do that now with very little adverse ramification. The other path leads through an emotionally and physically painful transition that may lead to results that don't meet your expectations.

We here regard transexual women as women. They deserve that. But they will always be women without a female childhood, or any of the memories of growing up as a girl. They will never bear their own children. They won't remember the dress they wore at their senior prom, or having that crush on that boy in high school. They don't remember that time they sat with their mothers discussing their first period, and what it means. They will present as women, but still be genetically men, with men's pasts and men's memories, a womanhood that is bolstered against the ravages of male-hood with hormones and other potentially dangerous medications. For many, this is a small price to pay for them to live as the women they always knew they were (or should have been). For some others, it falls well short of the expectations they had before they transitioned.

If you only want the freedom to wear dresses any time you want to, then you need to step back and reassess your motives, and what you already have in your life. You can wear dresses now. But once you transition, you cannot go back and be the man you are now. You cannot un-dot that I. So slow down and think about things before you make any rash decisions.

[donnapink]

Julie, I feel for your lament. I believe at this time you are caught in a selfish net of self doubt. Your wife and kids are a great blessing. Embrace them with love. Give of yourself and keep trying to be the best person you can. Good things will happen. If at this time life's responsibilities only allow you to dress alone, so be it. A mental question to ask is this ( would I really be happy if I got my wish but lost my family ? ). Maybe some day your family may accept you and love you for reasons of the love you gave. Life is never fair please keep trying. Love Conquors All, be at peace.

[Stephenie S]

There have been some really thoughtful posts here and I will not try to improve upon them.

I do want to repeat that there is a HUGE difference between a man wanting to wear female clothes and a woman.

You can wear the clothes RIGHT NOW. And you get to keep all that is dear to you. Your family, your job, your house, your money, your friends. All that stuff. When you actually become a woman, you risk loosing EVERYTHING. Of course, not everyone loses everything, but the possibility is still there, starting with the one thing most are unwilling to lose, our life partner.

S

[NicoleScott]

I've had thoughts about what I would have done differently, and in many areas of like besides crossdressing. I could have done better in school (but did pretty good), managed my money better (but did pretty good), made different career choices (but did pretty good). It doesn't do much good to dwell on what could have been. It can bring you down, but you can turn it around to help you contemplate your future and decisions you make from now on. We can get a re-start, but not a do-over.

[ReineD]

i love the way it makes me feel when i do get the chance to dress,even slipping on a pair of nice panties makes me feel that i need to be female and enjoy the wearing of female clothes permanently.

I know that no one can possibly write all their motives and life experiences in just one short post, so I'm guessing that wanting to be female for you is more than appreciating the feel of a woman's panties?

How do you envision your life, should you never have married and had kids, and had opted instead for transition as a young adult? How do you think people would treat you as a woman, that is different than how you are treated as a man?

Just curious. Also, it might help if you actually write it down, since it will help you sort through some of your feelings. :)

[CynthiaD]

Even Robert Frost, once considered the poet laureate of the United States, wrote about "The road not taken." Every choice we make in life means giving up something. I have known many people who have gone back to school to get a degree, and then dropped out right before finishing. Mostly it's because they realized that even though the degree would open new doors, it would also mean giving up what they already had.

Most of us have regrets about the road not taken, but there is no point in dwelling on them because we can't change the past. Concentrate on the present and on the future, because those are under your control.

[Kathy4ever]

Julie-Ann= I feel the same way as you on many days. I'm like Karren in that I've made commitments and would be unfair to others, No one has asked the question does your wife know you cross dress? Maybe you just need a Julie day to be your self. Maybe you just need a friend to talk to or your wife to participate. Maybe you feel trapped because you have this weight on your shoulders. Just becareful what you wishful. Take things slow is my advice, if it is worth anything.

[Anna Bee]

I would like a week or so to dress up and see how I REALLY feel about it. It's easy to get caught up on the idea of being female when Im always left craving more. I think I'd need to experience the feeling in a more "real life" setting before I could say that I truly want it, full time.

[Maiko Newhalf]

I can also relate to the OP in a certain extent. And I agree totally with the idea of loving what you have and not crying over spilled milk.

I guess the true question for a married transsexual (as opposed to CDers) is that how bearable that feeling of not being a woman is... For some, it is not a choice to transition or not.

[Momarie]

Julie-Anne Fletcher:
"i have a desire to be a female permanently but i have lots of obstacles in the way,i have a wife that has no interest in this side of me,i have 2 daughters (11 and 17),I'm a truck driver,i have a house and mortgage etc etc etc

i wish i could restart my life from when i was in my 20's,no mortgage,no job,no wife,no kids.

i love the way it makes me feel when i do get the chance to dress,even slipping on a pair of nice panties makes me feel that i need to be female and enjoy the wearing of female clothes permanently.

At the moment i am feeling quite un-happy being myself and relish the thought of being someone else and starting all over again,"

Noeleena said this:
"I'd say you have two rather neat kids & a lovely woman by by your side okay , wearing nice sexy clothes & looking nice is far different than being a woman every day all the time . you like dressing & thats great.. does it really change your mind are you really a woman who thinks as one have womens thought's ."


Dear Julie Anne,
I am so sorry to hear you in such pain.
I think what Noeleena and many others that are responding to your heartfelt hurting....what they are really trying to convey to you when you are in such pain, is that when you hurt this bad, please try and turn it over....into counting your blessings instead of counting all the shortcomings and disappointments you feel right now.
I know it's so hard to do but when it gets this bad, please try....
I just fear you will hurt even worse if you can't.
Again I am so sorry to hear you are in such pain, I think we all are...right beside you feeling it too.

[Katie83]

I agree with so many of the previous posts. You have so many positive things in your life, wife, children, home and employment. It is so easy to wish for things to be different, but you should focus on the positives more. Make te most of what you've got and try to fit your cding in with that rather than the other way around.
Katie

[Aprilrain]

i have a desire to be a female permenantly but i have lots of obsticals in the way,i have a wife that has no interest in this side of me,i have 2 daughters (11 and 17),i'm a truck driver,i have a house and mortgage etc etc etc

i wish i could restart my life from when i was in my 20's,no mortgage,no job,no wife,no kids.

i love the way it makes me feel when i do get the chance to dress,even slipping on a pair of nice panties makes me feel that i need to be female and enjoy the wearing of female clothes permanently.

At the moment i am feeling quite un-happy being myself and relish the thought of being someone else and starting all over again,




anyone got any ideas that could help me?

julie-ann xx

You can't start over so banish the thought. If you transition you will not be a different person, you will be you only female. If dressing in feminine attire gives you a thrill believe me it will wear off once you start dressing 24/7. women have more and better clothing options then men but still they are just clothes. As far as the wife, kids, house, job, mortgage, etc. is concerned you must be willing to accept that you may lose all of this and more! (except the bills, creditors don't care what your gender is!) I think it is unlikely you would lose everything but if your not willing to take that risk then maybe transition isn't for you. If you are seriously having these thoughts its time to find a qualified gender therapist and have a talk with her/him. No one here is qualified to help you.

[Badtranny]

No one here is qualified to help you.

Helloooo! Except me of course! ;-)

[Stephenie S]

And ME. I am always ready to give MY opinion on just about anything.

Stephie

[Kaz]

There are a lot of posts here that I agree with but adding my thoughts I guess adds something. As usual Reine is spot on. I can completely empathise with you and have shared those sort of thoughts at times. I have three daughters and the youngest is just leaving the nest. I also have a 4 year old granddaughter. I would love to start over... but if it meant losing all of this I just couldn't do it. If I could have another life, I'd be Kaz, as a full on female, but I would be so happy and proud of what I acheived as a guy.

[ValRom]

its time to find a qualified gender therapist and have a talk with her/him. No one here is qualified to help you.

I agree with Aprilrain's "get thee to a therapist" statement and feel so totally unqualified to jump into this discussion, but I will anyway!

1-You might ask yourself: "am I a female (or woman) or is it that I want to be one?" There is a huge difference, and here is where a good counselor/therapist can be of great help. You already gave an answer to that question in your post ... see if you feel differently about it from time to time.

2-Do the worst-case scenario.

Make a list of the things you are absolutely certain that you can do without in life - does that include your job/occupation/career, higher wages, your church, family, friends, male privilege, etc.

Then make a list of all the things you expect to gain from living as a woman.

Then make a list of the things you think might be difficult or different or frustrating about being a woman (this list might be harder to come up with, but it might include having to put makeup on everyday, not being able to find a bathroom for either yourself or the kids, not having the right thing to wear, having to take care of the kids + grocery shop + get the kids to soccer practice + clean the house because your mother-in-law is coming over + shop for dinner + tell your boss that you just can't work overtime that day..., saving for your child's education while you earn 70% of what you earn now, or not being in a significant relationship, or worrying about that guy/girl and will she call or should you call her, etc.). Show the third list to a ciswoman and see her reaction. This is a reality check. She is very likely to lengthen the list for you.

Nothing on these lists may actually come to be, but the exercise will help you put your values into perspective.

3-I understand the desire to dress can be sensually compelling. Check to see if there's anything psychologically or spiritually compelling for you as well. Sensuality has a way of changing more quickly than do psychological/spiritual issues.

4-Sorry to perhaps disappoint, but some of what you expressed in your OP is just life creeping in and has nothing to do with gender. Many of us (T/CD or not) at one time or another would love to chuck it all for a clean slate. Big Momma upstairs doesn't let us do that. if we do, she often lays a significant guilt trip on us.

[bridgetta]

the search for greatness is difficult.. it takes courage and the willingness to go against the grain.. not easy when it affects other people tho.

[TGMarla]

No one here is qualified to help you.

Not true at all. Aside from licensed therapists, who better to bounce your transgender issues off of than a bunch of people who deal with the very same issues? What, should we just abandon the whole forum because none of us are "qualified"??? Many of us have wrestled with the very same demons, and wrestled them right to the ground. Others have gone the whole transition and sex reassignment route, and know full well what it all entails. Myself, I've been dealing with the whole transgender thing nearly my whole life. Like many here, I've reached a place in my life where I can deal with it, without most of the heavy burden it has been for much of my younger years. Who is better to ask these questions of? Even trained psychologists don't often have the same insights we here can provide.

I say we're not only qualified, but damned qualified!!!

[ValRom]

I'm certainly not qualified ... I've never counseled anyone on the intricacies of managing a relationship, being a parent, keeping a job +++++, all while trying to sort out where that someone (whom I don't know at all) is positioned on the gender spectrum, how strong she is and whether she has the capacity to push forward, how valuable family and friends are to her, whether she's going through the blues that I got when I hit my mid-30s (is that all there is to work, to life, is this as far as I'm going to progress in the world, whatever happened to my childhood dreams?), yadda, yadda, yadda. I'm not competent at all. Hence, I'll politely bow out.

[Badtranny]

I say we're not only qualified, but damned qualified!!!

Well, I disagree, but I'll concede that I'm almost certainly out numbered.

The best any of us can do is offer our opinion based on our experience. I would also offer that anecdotal evidence that can't be confirmed is worse than no evidence at all.

There are many here who have no compunction about putting forth their own experience as the one true experience, and anything different is somehow wrong. Each one of us has a different motivation for choosing to transition and we are all experiencing different consequences from that decision. The only insight I could possibly provide is what I've gleaned from my own journey. My lessons are as unique as my situation. My opinion may or may not be relevant to another T-girl.

I am indeed a qualified professional in my line of work. This ain't it.

[Nancie64]

Years ago i thought like that too! Just such a good feeling being dressed and acting more femme. It does pass and sometimes it is hard. I have 3 girls and a son and do many things with all of them and I don't think I would change that. I do get in these moods where I can't dress enough, and than I go for weeks without hardly thinking about it. Just makes it that much more fun when we do get a chance to dress. It has been a pretty hot summer and a sleeveless t shirt and shorts feel better than stockings, bra, and more. Take your time, enjoy what you have and things will work out. Take a few days in Vegas, have a makeover, and do a little shopping, things will work out.

[stephanie1]

I would like a week or so to dress up and see how I REALLY feel about it. It's easy to get caught up on the idea of being female when Im always left craving more. I think I'd need to experience the feeling in a more "real life" setting before I could say that I truly want it, full time.

I agree 100%. I think a week or two living full-time as a woman would really be a huge help. Unfortunately, many of us don't really have that option. But it would really be chance to experience it for days, instead of just briefly.