Alter ego?

[bridgetta]

Even tho my name is bridgetta. I think of myself as Bridget. The name has always had an extremely exciting sound to me. I think my earliest memory of identifying with it was at 14 or so. All this time. Its been a secret. And as i slowly see her evolve it is harder and harder to live in secret. I am in a very strenuous relationship with a girl. We dont live together but are trying to plan thAt But i like my time as bridget. And i just cant figure out how to incorporate it. She is just not friendly to nonconformity. Sexuality is very black and white to her. One of the first things she told me was how terrified she was in india of the hijras. She felt they were after her. ! I could try to teach her my point of view but it seems difficult and not fun. But my masculine side needs her. I think my female side is stronger but i have to remain a man. I would be ok to just crossdress in my home i dont have the desire for my family to have to deal with it. They have enough just dealing with life. And i am strong for them.

[docrobbysherry]

Bridget, it's not clear to me if you've told your soon to be SO/roomate about Bridget. If u haven't, when do u plan to? If u have and she disapproves, how do u plan for she and Bridget to co-exist?

[bridgetta]

Oh hi Yes I told her last november We talked about it for a few days and then dropped it I didnt feel comfortable at all I played it down For example she asked if i had clothes But i said i didnt want to talk about it and we sort of just pretend its not there i dont know if she could deal with it
I realize i sort of rambled there. Thanks for listening

[Persephone]

Bridget, I wish you all the best but I'm one of those who believe that you're going to have to straighten all this out with her before you move in together. As much as your masculine side seems to want this relationship, if it is to be real it will require honesty and integrity on both sides.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[bridgiit s]

oh Bridget, this is bridgiit - and i love your name too as it holds meanings and feelings for me - in my experience my first wife hated my cding my second wife heard from my first wife about my cding and asked to see me in make up and stockings and didnt like it and now i am single cos cding feels a more important part of my existence than i have allowed for in the past - it never goes away... i am lucky to have a local friend TS MtoF and a female friend i catch up with most days and both are supportive...... i dont think you are giving your soul enough chance to show its beautiful self for your life to be complete, you have to be faithful to yourself in life to reach your true meaning and my own bitsy experience says you cant change others you can only be yourse3lf, sorry to sound old and knowlegeable cos i am only the former " old " part not the latter

[Tina B.]

Most of us live in the male role most of the time, and because we do, sometimes we forget just how important that female side is. It's nice that you want to be strong for your family, that's just what a man should feel and do, but (isn't there always a but) so far there is no family, just you and a girl friend, and I think before you move in you should think about a few things besides just how strong you can be for your family. If, she never learns to accept this side of you, can you keep ity buried deep inside, and not drive yourself crazy, I know I couldn't. You know the old saying 'If momma ain't happy, no one is happy", well for me, when Tina wants to come out, and is denied, momma ain't happy! I got lucky, I found a women that gets on fine, no matter what I wear, but I don't think I could have spent a whole life, hiding from my wife in my own home, just because, she doesn't like half of me. The hijras, are going to get me, really? I worry, she will never change her believe, that it's really bad to cross that gender line, But then I don't know your girlfriend and could be way off base, I hope I am.
Tina B.

[diannecourtney]

Aw, the previous reply is truly well meaning, hey 2 strikes and at the plate is a hint to the wise but there was a disclaimer!

[bridgetta]

yes,, thanks all... this week we are spending together.. without work and all that distraction.. so i am trying to feel out how to resolve it.. my thought is.. if she can see how i flow and live at some point i will start to feel comfortable.. but in the end.. i dont think i want to be looked with any judgement.. and thats scary..

[kimdl93]

Oh hi Yes I told her last november We talked about it for a few days and then dropped it I didnt feel comfortable at all I played it down For example she asked if i had clothes But i said i didnt want to talk about it and we sort of just pretend its not there i dont know if she could deal with it
I realize i sort of rambled there. Thanks for listening

It sounds like she tried to talk with you, but you shyed away from the subject. Women expect and appreciate honesty, and few things can bring a couple closer together than when each one trusts the other enough to be totally honest. So, since you have some time together, I think that you should use the time together to be very honest with her. I know you don't want to be judged....and its less likely that she'll be harshly judgemental if you are open and willing to explain - to the extent of your understanding - this part of you.

[bridgetta]

Your right about that kim... the only other person i told was my previous girlfriend and that was many years ago.. she was young and hip and asked to do it with me.. i didnt want to! now i just cant believe i didnt take advantage of that situation.. i guess im afraid if i let it out it will get to big to control... and i dont want to lose them. eesh..

[kimdl93]

the surest way to lose a woman is to hide and withhold something so fundemental about yourself. I understand your apprehensions about losing control, but seriously, the most likely thing, if you have her acceptance and support, is that you'll find some sort of balance. The novelty may wear off for both of you after an initial flush, but at least you'll have it in perspective. And, if over time, you want to dress more often as part of your every day life, you can do that too.

[bridgetta]

yes. Fall is overwhelming for me.. i just pink fog for three months.. and then it cools off some. but is always there.. but in fall its just crazy.... i set her up last fall to know. and am taking time to let it sink in.. now im dropping hints and trying to teach self expression and freedom.. and its been leading to arguments.. little by little..

[Anna Bee]

Honey, she needs to know Bridget and accept Bridget. That is the only way that your relationship will work long term. Good luck.

[bridgetta]

well,. we talked about it last nite.. .. i told her about my cding . last december. and we didnt speak of it again... she is ok.. dealing with fear issues and trust issues... ....... i am dealing with it alot.. i dont want to be seen. and she doesnt want to see it.. but it wont go away... more updates to come...

She asks how often. And asks. Is it everday? I always deny how often and how strong the desire is. Not because i am intentionally lying. But. Partly because im ashamed. Partly cause im used to hiding it. And because i cant imagine doing it in front of someone.