Philosophy 101

[Inna]

I am writing here because the essence of what I am about to write centers on transexualism however I understand it shall be quite philosophical and if it be moderated to different section then be it, although I ask for consideration.

I have dwell on this question my entire life and came up with multitude of descriptivism however question of "WHO AM I" isn't what scares me but the answer to it does. I simply "DON'T KNOW" who I am!

As a small child I would imagine being a girl nearly half the time but did I really want to be a girl, I am not sure I did. I liked multitude of girly interaction, gentleness and poise but some of what meant to be the woman wasn't exactly along the lines of comfort I so enjoyed as a boy.

Needless to say I enjoyed my fantasy of girlishness within my psyche as well as boyish charm of discovery. Then I slowly grew up, girl within did not and consequence of which led to frustration of her not being allowed to see the light of a day so available to the boy at hand.
It erupted in the geysers of emotion 3 years ago and nearly killed both of us.

After coming to embrace her within, I tried my hardest to drive the boy inside the same dungeons occupied by her not long ago, it failed miserably in another episode of rebellion. I was lost and found and lost again, confused disoriented, lacking clarity as to WHO I WAS.

Slowly both merged and combined gently tagging on each other like colliding galaxies in the dance of tango. But the question remains, and the answer alludes me, perhaps there is no answer, and when we shout words of description of who we are, all we are doing is trying to describe what is indescribable.

[Laurie Ann]

Sweetie a good gender therapist will help you sort this out

[Inna]

Sweetie a good gender therapist will help you sort this out

Thanks Laurie, however the question at hand is not weather I am or am not a transgender, that has been rather forcefully established and I wear a Transsexual label with pride, but the essence of "who we essentially are"

I was in therapy for over a year with phenomenal lady who without the doubt described me as a transsexual woman from the beginning even before I had such clarity but the best of therapists can not tell who you are as the essence of a being but merely point out what you, your self, already know but not allow into the open.

I am fully transitioning, without any question as to the direction of my life, I love the fact I am walking the path to full femininity and womanhood but also feel that I will never know who INNA is, a conglomerate of emotions, sometimes contradicting selves, sometimes oneself in perfect harmony, hence the question

[ReineD]

I wish I could remember her name (and I think I've mentioned this in another thread), but I once saw on a news/talk show an interview with a TS who had transitioned some years earlier. She was so beautiful, and so confidant. She said something that struck me deeply.

I'm paraphrasing but she said that in her previous boy life it was all about repressing the girl. And then, during pre & sometime after post-op it had all been about repressing the boy. But finally it became about embracing the boy again, since he was an integral part of who she is, and doing this brought her peace.

If you were to ask me how I would define this person, I'd define her as a woman because it is who she feels she is and more importantly, because she knows who she is and she embraces all of herself. :)

[SweetIonis]

That is a very deep question you are asking Inna. It's one that has perplexed the greatest thinkers for quite some time. I spent a lot of time on this in my late teens. A LOT OF TIME!!!! I would stay up all throughout the night thinking about it.

What we are is cognition itself. All these labels that we come up with are attempts to describe the various conditions that cognition is subjected to. But quite frankly, as you have indicated cognition, what we are, is indescribable. Quite frankly, it is outside of the ability of logic to understand. It is a rather deep, esoteric subject.

[Jorja]

Having transitioned and had SRS years ago, I have to agree with what Renie posted. For years I tried everything I could think of to repress the guy side of my life. He was not what I wanted or needed in my new life. No matter how hard I tried a part of him would always surface. It took me a long time to realize that he was a part of me that I could no more get rid of than my heart and still live. Our past is a part of us that will always remain. It is part of who we are. So yes, embrace the boy in yourself. Take and use what he has to offer and blend it with the new woman you now are. If not you will only be fighting a past demon that will haunt you for the rest of your life.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Inna that was a beautiful post.

I read a very compelling book once called "For the Time Being" by Annie Dillard... it explores some of the notions you touch on quite often ...in the end, the journey is basically what we have on this earth...knowing is for some other time and place..

Reine, i think your post has a nugget of advice that is really empowering and thoughtful..thnx

[Wendy_Marie]

I will use the analogy of making a salad...You throw all the different ingredients into a large bowl and toss them together...now you have this conglomeration that in essence is a whole only having been created from many different parts.
Then the difficult part..you grab some vinegar and oil and put them in a container and shake it up...you shake and shake until it looks like it has all combined into one cohesive unit and set the whole mess aside until later when it's dinner time.

After awhile you go retrieve the salad fixings and watch as everyone begins to pick it apart searching for the parts they like the best..some like the lettuce, others the tomato's I always search for bits of onion....but everyone still wants the dressing. The only problem is that when you pick up the bottle you see that the vinegar and oil have again seperated back into two seperate states....so it again requires shaking to bond back together.

My point is that no matter how hard we try to create one proverbial salad...people around us will still pick us apart and accept the parts of us they like and discard the parts they don't....and so long as we keep shaking ourselves back together to be happy with what we know we are supposed to be...everyone in the end will be happy and hopefully love us for who we are.

It's breakfast time here...but now I want some cellulose in my diet.

[Inna]

I will use the analogy of making a salad...You throw all the different ingredients into a large bowl and toss them together...now you have this conglomeration that in essence is a whole only having been created from many different parts.
Then the difficult part..you grab some vinegar and oil and put them in a container and shake it up...you shake and shake until it looks like it has all combined into one cohesive unit and set the whole mess aside until later when it's dinner time.

After awhile you go retrieve the salad fixings and watch as everyone begins to pick it apart searching for the parts they like the best..some like the lettuce, others the tomato's I always search for bits of onion....but everyone still wants the dressing. The only problem is that when you pick up the bottle you see that the vinegar and oil have again seperated back into two seperate states....so it again requires shaking to bond back together.

My point is that no matter how hard we try to create one proverbial salad...people around us will still pick us apart and accept the parts of us they like and discard the parts they don't....and so long as we keep shaking ourselves back together to be happy with what we know we are supposed to be...everyone in the end will be happy and hopefully love us for who we are.

It's breakfast time here...but now I want some cellulose in my diet.

Out of all the worlds greatest thinkers and philosophers, you Wendy had struck a note with your salad, giving me a clear definition and giggles. I guess when it comes to my life all I can really think of now is a garden salad with inevitable sprinkle of Italian dressing................................I like that, as long as I am fresh :)

Love Inna