It's time to tell my mother

[RachR]

My mother will be visiting for the labor day holiday, and it's time to tell her about my crossdressing and even my transgendered feelings. Obviously I'm closeted, except to a few people, but I've sort of forced this to happen. I ordered some clothes online earlier this week with the idea that it would arrive before she got here late tomorrow. Unlike the usual order, it took a couple days to process and now the package will be arriving on Tuesday; my mom will still be here. My items are coming from Lane Bryant and they no longer use plain brown boxes; now the boxes are stamped with their name and the names of their sister companies. There's no hiding it. I've been wanting to tell my mom for some time, and have been trying to figure out how but this isn't exactly the way I wanted it to happen.

In the past, more than anything, I was afraid that somehow my father would find out (he is very racially prejudice along with extremely homophobic and sees trans people as gays) which would in turn result in a sh*t storm. But my parents divorced earlier this year, and since then my father cut all ties to me. As for my mom she appears to be very gay friendly as she has many lesbian friends and is very fond of my sister's gay friends. Now as to why I bring up sexuality. I've been getting pedicures on a regular basis now for almost two years. I've always painted my toe nails and the will never change. Every time my mother sees me, and my toes, she angrily proclaims that only "faggots" paint there toe nails. Also anytime the topic of transgendered people comes up in the media she jumps at the opportunity to call them fags, gross, freaks, disgusting, and other derogatory names/labels. I have happily defended the trans community when this happen, and my best reply that always quiets her, and even elicits a look of shame on her face, is "It's a shame that our society is so prejudice against the trans community, and they have no desire to truly understand who these people are." However, she's never said anything about my shaved legs and arms; go figure.

I really haven't completely hidden my interest in women's clothing nor my attraction to "feminine" things. In her new home there is a room for me, and when she asked me to go with her to pick out items to decorate my bathroom I happily picked out colors more traditionally accepted as "feminine." She didn't say a word, and even helped in picking out matching items. Also, every time she visits she likes to do some shopping. I'm always excited to go on these outings because even though the clothing isn't for me I can treat it like window shopping. I'm more than willing to pick out clothing for her to try on. I talk to her about how something is cut, what the style trends are, what I think would look good with her body's shape; I even pick out items that I know will look good on her even though she would never pick it out for herself. Same thing with shoes. I have no issues with picking something up and telling her how cute, beautiful, or pretty something is; also, it never fails that I find at least one thing where I say, "I love this <insert item>!" The most interesting outing I've had was when my brother was visiting from out of the country. We were at a store and he was looking for things to take back to his daughter. One of the things she had asked him for was underwear. When we reached the lingerie section he was overwhelmed and didn't know where to start. I happily explained the different styles and cuts of panties. I got a funny look from both my mother and brother; my brother even made a little joke but it wasn't anything insulting. This isn't exactly the behavior of a "real man" if you adhere to the stereotype.

I'm still not sure how I'm going to tell her, or how to explain it to her. I have my regular appointment with my therapist today, and it's important for me to bring it up. She has little experience with trans people, but we have on occasion touched on the topic. I don't know what to expect from my mother when I tell her. I'm sure she will no longer see me as a "man," and that doesn't bother me at all as I'm not sure I want to see myself as a "man" anyway. Maybe she'll feel like she lost her "son," but I can't help that either. I guess the worst that could happen is that she decides to no longer have a relationship with her "freak, gross, faggot" child. That would kill me, but I know I'll survive after getting over the hurt. *sigh* This is going to be a rough weekend.

Thanks for letting me vent,
Rachael

[PretzelGirl]

Rachael, I wish you the best in this as it isn't an easy thing to do. Many of us want to tell our parents as we want them to know the real "us".

I am glad to hear that you are going to talk this through with your therapist. I am drawn to your comments that your mother "appears to be very gay friendly as she has many lesbian friends" and then you state she says "that only "faggots" paint there toe nails" and " jumps at the opportunity to call them fags, gross, freaks, disgusting, and other derogatory names/labels". That doesn't sound accepting to me and is a huge red flag.

So this is why I think it is good to talk it through with your therapist. Make sure the therapist knows these thoughts so you can discuss it thoroughly. As much as we want to tell our parents, it is better the hesitate and think things through a little extra sometimes. In the meantime, don't set yourself up for an unplanned outing like having packages delivered. Make sure that if you want to tell her, that it is a controlled event and not an oops. In my opinion, the accidental outings have more of a chance to have something go wrong.

[kimdl93]

I guess you have to do what you feel is right. I guess I'm a little surprised by the way your mom reacts in "general" to the idea of homosexuality or transgender, but at the same time is accepting of her sister's lesbian and gay friends. I have a little difficulty reconciling these perspectives.

Anyway, I hope this works ok for you.

[Tina B.]

Like Kim, I'm confused by her being friendly with your sisters gay friends, but so harsh with those on TV. But yet you act so feminine around your family, it seems hard that it will be all that big of a surprise. I would suggest if you are going to come out, do it before the mail comes on Tuesday, I think it would be easier to explain yourself, rather than explaining it over that box. Good luck, I hope you find a mothers love at the end of that talk. I know there is nothing of this kind that would ever get me to turn my back on one of my own kids.
Tina B.

[Marie-Elise]

"Every time my mother sees me, and my toes, she angrily proclaims that only "faggots" paint there toe nails. Also anytime the topic of transgendered people comes up in the media she jumps at the opportunity to call them fags, gross, freaks, disgusting, and other derogatory names/labels. I have happily defended the trans community when this happen, and my best reply that always quiets her, and even elicits a look of shame on her face, is "It's a shame that our society is so prejudice against the trans community, and they have no desire to truly understand who these people are." However, she's never said anything about my shaved legs and arms; go figure."

But you also say she has a lot of lesbian friends and gets along with your sister's gay friends. I'm not sure what to make of this.

[RachR]

I don't understand her comments and actions either. That's why I put "appears." It's very hypocritical. :(

Sue, you're spot on about the oops. I thought I would be able to avoid it, but in reality it wasn't planned out. I let my impulses get the best of me instead of thinking about the possibility that the package would come at the "wrong time." Now I have to take responsibility for my actions.

Tina, I do intend to speak with her before Tuesday. I guess I feel like she'll be prepared for my "oops."

Thanks for the replies,
Rachael

[Cynthia Anne]

I don't get along with two face people Your mother seems to be one of them! Please understand that I'm not acusing her! But it apears that it's white when she's with certain ones and black when she's around others! So I say get-er-done!! I wouldn't wait 'til the package arrives for the overdue talk! Sorry! But that's how I feel! Show her what you plan to wear tonight!????????????? Hugs!

[adriane]

Good luck to you. I told my mother 35 years ago. She never accepted it, and never discussed it with me again after that. But, as she is no longer alive, I was very glad that I did.

[Shelly Preston]

I think you need to read the link in my signature on telling your partner

It has a lot of good information you can use when telling your mother

When you do tell her you can eventually ask if she wants to see a pic and if she is fine with that you can offer to let her see your dressed. She may have suspected with what you have said but this is about letting her know not forcing her to see you dressed

Good Luck Rachael

[kristinacd55]

Hey Rachael,
I have a feeling that your mom was influenced big time by your dad and that's the reason for the big reactions. Don't hold me to it, but I think she wants to embrace you as who you are. I know it's going to be hard for you but try to stick to your guns of who you are. I think she already knows btw. Let us all know how the weekend goes!! Good luck

[anonymousinmaryland]

I've always said, "your mom already knows because moms know EVERYTHING." So let us know how it goes.

[JenniferLynn0370]

Good luck Rachael!!!

[sandra-leigh]

Could you stop your mail for a couple of days, or arrange a delay with the shipping carrier?

[Wendy_Marie]

wishing you the very best...Just be open and honest with her about your feelings and trust that no matter what you are still her little boy/girl.

[DonnaT]

I have a feeling that your mom was influenced big time by your dad and that's the reason for the big reactions.
Yes, I've seen that happen plenty.

I suggest telling her you are expecting a package from LB. She'll ask why, and you can tell her you love their clothes. Then get the telling over with.

Good luck. I've a feeling all will turn out OK.

[StevieTV]

I totally understand where you are coming from and my advice to you is be strong and come out. Mothers do know everything. You will at least get a heavy weight off your shoulders. My mother visits me and my home is indeed feminine. For example, I have a satin dressing gown hanging on the back of my bathroom door and my heels are in plain sight in my bedroom. She has never said anything, but then again, we are English :)