RachR
09-01-2011, 08:34 AM
My mother will be visiting for the labor day holiday, and it's time to tell her about my crossdressing and even my transgendered feelings. Obviously I'm closeted, except to a few people, but I've sort of forced this to happen. I ordered some clothes online earlier this week with the idea that it would arrive before she got here late tomorrow. Unlike the usual order, it took a couple days to process and now the package will be arriving on Tuesday; my mom will still be here. My items are coming from Lane Bryant and they no longer use plain brown boxes; now the boxes are stamped with their name and the names of their sister companies. There's no hiding it. I've been wanting to tell my mom for some time, and have been trying to figure out how but this isn't exactly the way I wanted it to happen.
In the past, more than anything, I was afraid that somehow my father would find out (he is very racially prejudice along with extremely homophobic and sees trans people as gays) which would in turn result in a sh*t storm. But my parents divorced earlier this year, and since then my father cut all ties to me. As for my mom she appears to be very gay friendly as she has many lesbian friends and is very fond of my sister's gay friends. Now as to why I bring up sexuality. I've been getting pedicures on a regular basis now for almost two years. I've always painted my toe nails and the will never change. Every time my mother sees me, and my toes, she angrily proclaims that only "faggots" paint there toe nails. Also anytime the topic of transgendered people comes up in the media she jumps at the opportunity to call them fags, gross, freaks, disgusting, and other derogatory names/labels. I have happily defended the trans community when this happen, and my best reply that always quiets her, and even elicits a look of shame on her face, is "It's a shame that our society is so prejudice against the trans community, and they have no desire to truly understand who these people are." However, she's never said anything about my shaved legs and arms; go figure.
I really haven't completely hidden my interest in women's clothing nor my attraction to "feminine" things. In her new home there is a room for me, and when she asked me to go with her to pick out items to decorate my bathroom I happily picked out colors more traditionally accepted as "feminine." She didn't say a word, and even helped in picking out matching items. Also, every time she visits she likes to do some shopping. I'm always excited to go on these outings because even though the clothing isn't for me I can treat it like window shopping. I'm more than willing to pick out clothing for her to try on. I talk to her about how something is cut, what the style trends are, what I think would look good with her body's shape; I even pick out items that I know will look good on her even though she would never pick it out for herself. Same thing with shoes. I have no issues with picking something up and telling her how cute, beautiful, or pretty something is; also, it never fails that I find at least one thing where I say, "I love this <insert item>!" The most interesting outing I've had was when my brother was visiting from out of the country. We were at a store and he was looking for things to take back to his daughter. One of the things she had asked him for was underwear. When we reached the lingerie section he was overwhelmed and didn't know where to start. I happily explained the different styles and cuts of panties. I got a funny look from both my mother and brother; my brother even made a little joke but it wasn't anything insulting. This isn't exactly the behavior of a "real man" if you adhere to the stereotype.
I'm still not sure how I'm going to tell her, or how to explain it to her. I have my regular appointment with my therapist today, and it's important for me to bring it up. She has little experience with trans people, but we have on occasion touched on the topic. I don't know what to expect from my mother when I tell her. I'm sure she will no longer see me as a "man," and that doesn't bother me at all as I'm not sure I want to see myself as a "man" anyway. Maybe she'll feel like she lost her "son," but I can't help that either. I guess the worst that could happen is that she decides to no longer have a relationship with her "freak, gross, faggot" child. That would kill me, but I know I'll survive after getting over the hurt. *sigh* This is going to be a rough weekend.
Thanks for letting me vent,
Rachael
In the past, more than anything, I was afraid that somehow my father would find out (he is very racially prejudice along with extremely homophobic and sees trans people as gays) which would in turn result in a sh*t storm. But my parents divorced earlier this year, and since then my father cut all ties to me. As for my mom she appears to be very gay friendly as she has many lesbian friends and is very fond of my sister's gay friends. Now as to why I bring up sexuality. I've been getting pedicures on a regular basis now for almost two years. I've always painted my toe nails and the will never change. Every time my mother sees me, and my toes, she angrily proclaims that only "faggots" paint there toe nails. Also anytime the topic of transgendered people comes up in the media she jumps at the opportunity to call them fags, gross, freaks, disgusting, and other derogatory names/labels. I have happily defended the trans community when this happen, and my best reply that always quiets her, and even elicits a look of shame on her face, is "It's a shame that our society is so prejudice against the trans community, and they have no desire to truly understand who these people are." However, she's never said anything about my shaved legs and arms; go figure.
I really haven't completely hidden my interest in women's clothing nor my attraction to "feminine" things. In her new home there is a room for me, and when she asked me to go with her to pick out items to decorate my bathroom I happily picked out colors more traditionally accepted as "feminine." She didn't say a word, and even helped in picking out matching items. Also, every time she visits she likes to do some shopping. I'm always excited to go on these outings because even though the clothing isn't for me I can treat it like window shopping. I'm more than willing to pick out clothing for her to try on. I talk to her about how something is cut, what the style trends are, what I think would look good with her body's shape; I even pick out items that I know will look good on her even though she would never pick it out for herself. Same thing with shoes. I have no issues with picking something up and telling her how cute, beautiful, or pretty something is; also, it never fails that I find at least one thing where I say, "I love this <insert item>!" The most interesting outing I've had was when my brother was visiting from out of the country. We were at a store and he was looking for things to take back to his daughter. One of the things she had asked him for was underwear. When we reached the lingerie section he was overwhelmed and didn't know where to start. I happily explained the different styles and cuts of panties. I got a funny look from both my mother and brother; my brother even made a little joke but it wasn't anything insulting. This isn't exactly the behavior of a "real man" if you adhere to the stereotype.
I'm still not sure how I'm going to tell her, or how to explain it to her. I have my regular appointment with my therapist today, and it's important for me to bring it up. She has little experience with trans people, but we have on occasion touched on the topic. I don't know what to expect from my mother when I tell her. I'm sure she will no longer see me as a "man," and that doesn't bother me at all as I'm not sure I want to see myself as a "man" anyway. Maybe she'll feel like she lost her "son," but I can't help that either. I guess the worst that could happen is that she decides to no longer have a relationship with her "freak, gross, faggot" child. That would kill me, but I know I'll survive after getting over the hurt. *sigh* This is going to be a rough weekend.
Thanks for letting me vent,
Rachael