Wow! That was fast.

[Marissa333]

Hello my name is Marissa. I have been a member for about a week now, and before I could post in the introduction thread my wife found pictures of me all dressed. I am 33 and I have been crossdressing since I was about 6 or 7, so this isn't new for me. We have been married for 7 years now and Marissa had been hidden for so long it was only a matter of time before she came back. So last night she is on the computer updating her resume, and she stubbles on my pics. Which by the way were hidden within 4 billion sub folders, so I still have no idea how she found them, but anyway... She abruptly comes in the room to tell me (not really angry more like she was expecting this to happen all along) that she found pictures of me dressed up and she knows they are me because of the fact I took them in our house. These pictures weren't dirty but they weren't exactly innocent either, so I am sure she is under the impression I took them specifically for someone else. This was last night at 9pm or so and she hasn't talked to me since. I have a really bad feeling that this is the end for us. I am really sad over this, it has put me in a total funk all day (pretty much been crying all day) and the worst thing is knowing my wife she prolly isn't sad at all, she is mad at me without really giving me a chance to explain myself. The worst part is over the past years I have tried several times to tell her but she always says something that makes me realize what a bad idea it would be to confess now. Anyway I don't really know why I am writing all this, I guess i just needed to get it out. I will he home on about an hour, so after we talk, if we talk, I will be sure to post the results. Wish me luck girls.

Hugs,

Marissa

[Eryn]

...I am sure she is under the impression I took them specifically for someone else. This was last night at 9pm or so and she hasn't talked to me since. I have a really bad feeling that this is the end for us.

It might be unless you can get the communication thing happening and counter some of those "worst case" thoughts that your wife is undoubtedly having with the plain (and much less exciting) facts.

Good luck with the conversation. Let us know how it goes.

[hiddenpanties]

Marissa, I do hope that all goes well for you and that this is not the end for you and your wife as you believe. I am praying for you.

[sissystephanie]

You have already received some very good advice!! All I can add is, Best of Luck to You!!

[Inna]

Everything has a reason and it is profound and good in the long run however dark and gloom it may seem right now. Have faith in the truth, she is your only true companion :)

Love, Inna

[cdterri]

If she is willing to talk just let her know how much you love her. Tell her it's not a choice but it is a part of you that you can not change. Assure her you are not gay and do not want to be a women but you enjoy wearing feminine clothing. Just be honest and upfront with her. If she can't accept you for who you are then ending the relationship may be better for all concerned

[Jessica Ames]

My best advice is to be confident and don't be ashamed of Marissa. If you are ashamed, then she will have a much harder time seeing how this can be part of her life. She has to know that this has been a part of you for a long time, but hasn't changed your relationship or the love you have for her.

[Cynthia Anne]

By now all is said and done! I hope you took the advice and all goes well! I will add! Welcome to the forum! Hugs!

[danielletorresani]

Wow. That is scary as hell to me, as I am in a marriage in which the wife doesn't know. I've never had the urge to confess, nor will I ever. I stopped dressing around a year and a half ago, and I'm just now kinda getting the urge to start up again, but doing that again with hiding my stash and all that other stuff....sometimes I ask if it's worth the risk of getting caught. If my wife found out, it would almost definitely be over between us.

[prettytoes]

When my wife found my clothes, we ddidn't speak for 3 or 4 days. Finally we had a long talk and I explained everything as honestly as I could. I told her how it has been a part of me ever since I could remember...how I had tried to tell her many times, but couldn't for fear of losing her...how it just feels right when I wear women's clothes. She asked all the expected questions, are you gay?, do you want to become a woman?, etc.
That was back in spring...now I have my toenails painted most of the time, wear toerings, wear very feminine panties 24/7, sleep in nighties (I sleep much better now), and I wear sport bras when I work out. She has asked me to not wear a skirt or dress in front of her, which is fine. She does all the wash with no problems. She is still a little bit uncomfortable, but it is getting better. I have had my whole life to come to terms with this, she has only had a few months. I got her 2 books to read, the better of the 2 was "My Husband Wears My Clothes". It helped her a lot.
If your relationship is strong, it will survive. I wish you the best of luck!

[JillyNylonz]

You really have to just start communicating. She needs to hear Marissa's life story. From the moment you first dressed as a child, your feelings when dressed, the reasons you were drawn to dressing, and also your attempts to purge and not dress. She needs to understand who and what you are. If there is love there, and she realizes that your crossdressing is not something to fear or be jealous of, the two of you will become even closer than was ever possible before this happened. She may prefer to not see you enfemme, or participate. That will have to be her choice. But you stand a way better chance of being happy if you open up and let her know how important a piece of your life dressing is, and even more: that you see your marriage to her as the best thing in your life, and hope she can accept this.
I experienced way worse with my marriage of almost 40 yrs a few years ago. She knew I liked to wear nylons and heels from time to time. SHe did not know there was a Jilly. And Jilly had friends she did not know of. We spent more than one night talking all night, hugging, crying, sharing. We lost sleep doing this for months. We became closer. And sometimes Jilly and his lovely wife make love together, both dressed like lipstick lezzs. WOW ! Breathtaking. Just be sure to be that man she married for her as well. I wish you both well.

[Marissa333]

First i would like to say I seriously thank you all! All of your comments are valid, and make great advice, I can't thank you enough.

When I got home last night the door was partially opened and obviously unlocked. I thought to myself "omg this is a good sign" because that is how it is every normal night. But when I walked in, she was in the bathroom brushing her teeth. I walk into the hallway to see her next to the sink, and she immediately opens a cupboard door which blocks her face so she wouldn't have to look at me. Ok so I say to myself "ok this is a very bad sign". I then go into the bedroom to change out of my work clothes and the whole time she keeps the door covering her face. I then realize I shouldn't push her, so I went into the den on the other side of the house to wait. I sat there for about an hour without her coming in or anything. I end up falling asleep. I am awaken by her asking me if I have everything I need for work out of my car. I was a bit surprised she asked me in such a normal tone and that she was talking to me at all. I answer "no, I still need my seat cushion for the train" (California Metrolink seats are terrible). It is after her response when I realize why she is talking to me at all... She has too, she needed to take my car to work the next day because I was taking our dogs to the vet. Once she reminds me of this, she walks out and about 20 feet away she says "night". Ok in my head I am thinking "she said night, maybe good sign again?". Cut to this morning, I am at the vet with the dogs and I get a text from her, and before I read it I am thinking "good sign again". It reads "train running late when you bring the car (we work at the same company) leave it in front of my building so I don't have to come get it from you" now again I am thinking "bad sign again", I respond by saying ok then she responds with "never mind I will come get it from you and I will just come home with you tonight instead of taking the train" now I am thinking "good sign, she wants to be in the car with me for an hour so now we have to talk". Later today I have clients in my office and I get a knock on my office door, not expecting it to be her I say come in and she walks in. Now because I have clients, she smiles, but I can tell it's fake, she says "I need your keys, I forgot mine" I then hand them to her and then she leaves without saying anything. Then about an hour ago I walk into my office and see a note written really crappy on my desk "here are your keys taking 6pm train home" now I know for sure without a doubt it's bad, she never in million years would rather sit on the train for 2 hours to go home, then ride silent in a car with someone she hates for an hour. I will arrive home before her even though I am leaving later than her which means she would rather not be with me, then have more time at home and be off our awful commuter train.

I am going to take all of your advice, tell her the absolute truth, tell her how much she means to me, and if that is not good enough, then I think it's time I be true with myself, move out and be who I am for the first time in my life. Yesterday I felt sad and defeated, today I still feel sad but empowered to be who I know I should have been my whole life. It's sad that our marriage might be over, but my real life might be ready to begin, and that is actually exciting. Now the only obstical, is convincing her not to out me to all our friends, family and coworkers. If she does, I am actually mentally prepared to handle it I think.

Thank you all so much! I loved reading everyone of your replies, and appreciate them more than you know. I love you all and I hope one day I can do for all of you, what you have done for me (in a more positive situation hopefully).

Hugs,

Marissa

[Alberta_Pat]

Marissa;

I cannot know your feelings. I have an accepting wife.

However, your pain is coming through in your posts. Please accept a hug from me and all the other members here. You are a valuable person. You need to know this.

Your wife is totally confused right now. I would bet the farm that she is getting input from friends and coworkers at this time. You do not have a "secret" life anymore.

For now, I can only ask you to think of your future WITH your WIFE. Thinking or obsessing beyond this can only bring you pain. Forget about what "might" happen. Deal with NOW.

WE do not know if there are children involved. If there are, their welfare must take precedence.

Your Wife may take some time to understand what is happening. Her source of strength is an "illusion" at this moment. Continue to be the person you have always been with her. DO NOT CHANGE. That will enforce her confusion. She needs her strong man right now. Be that man.

You have been a crossdresser for many years. You enjoy it. Do you know why? If not, then perhaps She may help you to understand as you help her to understand.

Most important, you need to continue to be the person she knows. A compromise can be reached if you both work at it.

WE all wish you the best in this tragic situation.

Pat

[Angela2me]

I pray you get your freedom and your marriage.
Both are very important.

[Misti]

Lke Pat (#13) says, "WE all [genuinely, seriously and honestly] wish you the best in this tragic situation."

[PretzelGirl]

Marissa, first I agree wholeheartedly with Pat's reply. Very well said.

I would like to add another observation. It sounds like you are analyzing every little interaction. Be careful about doing this too much as it will sit on your thoughts and make it hard to think through things clearly. Her thoughts are probably bouncing in many directions. It will take time. Continue to show her you love her and give her the opportunity to talk. Remember that listening is the best way to support someone. If you dominate a conversation, it won't help her much. So give her the opportunity to talk, listen, and don't swing to any extremes based on what she says. Be loving and supportive and that will help her the most.

Our thoughts are with you. :hugs:

[Nikki A.]

Seriously, sit down and talk. It will be hard but you need to.

[Marissa333]

I truly thank you all! We talked! Last night she ignored me completely, but she started talking to me this morning like everything was normal. I was very relieved and after we talked about our vacation next weekend I just said "do you want to talk about the other night?". She came in to sit and said "do you?". I told her that I know it would be best to tell her everything. So I did, everything. She told me that she knew all along and that she was just waiting for me to finally admit it. She admitted she is very mad that i had kept it from her and lied about it for so long. She said she had given me many opportunities to fess up and that is what made her the most angry was that i never thought to trust her to understand. She told me she wants me to just be who I am and do what I need to feel comfortable. She admits she does not know how it's going to feel for her, but that if she asks me to not do it around her, we would go back to square 1 where I am hiding it, and she will only accept it if we are completely honest. I vowed to from now on to be completely honest and she is happy for that. After the long talk, about 2 hours, we hugged for a long time and I thanked her and apologized many times. She told me to stop apologizing and that what just happend was for me, and not for her, which made me feel so good. The one thing she was adamant about, was that she couldn't promise it would be something she could live with forever, that even though she is happy for me to be happy, she can't know how she would feel in 10 years. I told her that I understand and hope it's something that only makes us better. I will keep you all posted, and again I thank you all more than you could possibly know.

Hugs,

Marissa

[Kaz]

Hi Marissa,

I was following the thread later on today (it is 22.36 in the UK) and realise any post would be out of date, and to be honest, I would just have been repeating what some others had said. I just want to say that this is such a great 'result'! She clearly loves you and wants to stand by you. I think what you need to demonstrate to her is that it doesn't affect your male side and you can still be her 'man', the guy she wants. Her fear in the long term will be that she doesn't know how it will pan out for you as well as her.. she is in uncharted waters! But then so are we...

In her head she didn't sign up for this... so will continue to have lots of questions... stay open and honest, and do not push anything on her, let it evolve..! :hugs:

[Alberta_Pat]

Thank you for letting us know how things are working Marissa.

Hopefully, this will be the start of a new adventure in your relationship. Please take your time. Many do go overboard at this point and destroy the gains made.

Feel free to show this forum to your Bride. Perhaps she will wish to join and become involved in the "Ladies Only" section.

There is a lot of information to be gleaned here. Both for you, and for her.

Life begins anew every day we wake up. Enjoy it to the fullest, and always share it with your "Best Friend".

We look forward to seeing you around here with many of your new insights as time passes.

Pat

[Mary Morgan]

Wow, two adults having a rational conversation about yesterday, today and tomorrow. Sounds like you cleared the air and with some effort, will keep it clear well into the future. Good job.

[Susan_Xdress]

Hi Marissa:

Sounds like you are working your way through the initial shock; . . you have explained . . now avoid forcing the issue. Don’t keep trying to make your case . . you have done so . . now give her time to take it in and think on it. When she wants more insight and details, she will ask, and you can answer honestly. In some measure – we all have faced or will face this situation, and why we all are wishing you the very best.

Susan

[Kim_Bitzflick]

WOW! What a ride you had. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but I'm glad it turned out ok. I think now that it is out in the open, take it slow. Let her adjust to it and let her control the speed at which you progress.

[Angela2me]

Marissa,

Great outcome so far. Keep it going and keep it open.
If I were to suggest anything, it would be to offer some time share.
Plan some time when you want to be in femme mode and offer some special time to spoil your wife. Give and take.

Good luck.
Angela

[Tina B.]

As the Bard once said, "All's well, that ends well.)
Tina B.

[Deana ♥ Danni]

I am happy things are better now :) I am glad you two were able to sit down and talk, I think open and honest communication can really overcome so much. Maybe you could tell her about the forum here, and she could come and talk with other GGs who are accepting..... :)

Pax et bonum,
Deana

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Marissa, I'm glad for you that the conversation went better than you expected :hugs:

You have been given some very good advice here and I won't repeat it.

A lot of people don't understand that in hiding your cross-dressing (possibly for all the best reasons) you have been displaying a lack of confidence in your wife and as she said that hurt her more than anything; but the good thing is that she isn't asking you to stop.

May I suggest that over the next few weeks you show her in the little things all of the reasons why she has always loved you?

[Inna]

I admire your resolve and courage in looking straight into your heart and going for the truth regardless of consequences. I takes [-]balls[/-] guts to follow into unknown but be assured, in the long run there will be no regrets no matter what happens. And so far it is looking beautiful :)

[Barbra P]

Hi Marissa

You might want to consider getting a copy of “My Husband Wears My Clothes” by Dr. Peggy Rudd. I would suggest that you read the book first and then pass it along to your Wife. I think your Wife will find that Dr. Rudd answers many of the questions she is currently having. What’s more Peggy Rudd writes that her husband’s cross dressing has actually strengthened their marriage. The book retails for around $15 ($12.46 on Amazon).

[Babeba]

Marissa,

I'm glad that you and your wife were able to talk. It sounds like she has really struggled over the past few days. It also really sounds like the thing which hurt her the most, was feeling that you didn't trust her - that is quite common among those of us who are partners. Probably if you DID say that you would leave rather than make her deal with a crossdresser, that made her feel like she was losing you twice - both emotionally and physically. There IS something in you that your wife fell in love with, even if with talking about crossdressing she has to re-evaluate her idea of who you are. Remember, you're in this together; you have your lives built together. Your careers are even together. If you split before you try to communicate, it is just going to rack up the things both of you will lose in your lives. If she hadn't figured this out before you married her, you at the very least owe it to her to allow her to be the one to make decisions like that rather than adding dissolving your marriage into this already confusing mix right away!

Please do keep coming to this site; many of the members here have got good heads on their shoulders regardless of what they are wearing for clothing. Also if your wife has questions about crossdressing (inevitable) or would like to talk to other wives and girlfriends, please get her to sign up here, too. Once she has ten posts she can apply to the FAB (Female At Birth) section and talk with the rest of us.

One thing for both you and her to keep in mind, though, is that everyone's experience here is different - so some threads and some posts (heck, including mine!!) you need to take with a grain of salt. Other than that, I really wish for the best for you and your wife! :hugs:

[Marissa333]

Well things have been going great! I have been doing what she asked of me when I came out, which is to just be myself. I have been dressing around her, she even let me buy some ballet flats online and buy a few things from walmart, and she is going to give me all her clothes soon as she is about to drop a few dress sizes, and she seems to be happier than she has been for a long time. Not because I am dressed, but because I am noticeably happier and because for the first time in our marriage she knows I am being completely honest with her. The day after I came out was a little rough for her though. She came home from the gym and I was dressed in drab (and had obviously been thinking a lot about the situation) and asked "how far do you intend to take this, do you want to go out in public all the time?". I told her the truth, that I had been in public 3 times, and that I have no plans whatsoever to go out again until I lose all the weight I gained when I had a back injury. And even then I wouldn't want to do it all the time, just special occasions. She was honest and said that she is not sure if she could handle it if I transitioned to be a full time woman. I told her that I couldn't predict the future but that as of right now I have no desire to be a full time woman. She was happy to hear that, then she started crying, and not happy tears. She said she was just sad because she has no idea where this could end up going. I let her know how much I loved her and the last thing I want is to lose her, then reminded her that I have no desire to be a full time woman as of now. We then held each other for a really long time, then I started doing all the things she loves when we get intimate, not because I was trying to cheer her up, but because I felt really close to her. We then made love and ended the encounter with a really happy hug and kiss.

So what I have decided is to be the perfect husband, do all the things she has been upset at me for not doing, not do the things she doesn't want me to do, I have been doing all of the chores and intend to from here on out, when she gets home from work I get down on the floor rub her feet ask her about her day, I will never argue with her again on anything (unless it is important of course), I am submitting to all of her home improvement ideas, the works! And I have no issues with any of it either, I am more than happy to do anything for her, because I could never repay her for what she has already done for me.

So far the results have been great. Today I got a text message from her just to say she loved me. Never happened in the 7 years we have been married. I responded with "I love you more than you could ever know. You are such an amazing person to be as understanding as you have been the past few days". I never would have imagined in a million years how great it would be to come out. I was always so fearful of the worst that I never considered the chance that something good would come from this.

Thank you girls,

Hugs,

Marissa

[DebbieL]

Keep in mind that your wife may have suspected your little secret for a while now, and perhaps saw your browsing history and/or bookmarks and realized that you up to something. For her, she is probably more upset that you didn't let her know about your secret, that you kept it a secret and essentially lied about something that is obviously very important to you. She probably knew that this had been an issue for a long time, but again, you've been married for how many years? And you never told her. Had you told her early in the relationship, she could have made an informed choice, and she might have even been OK with it, and might have even enjoyed it with you together.

What she doesn't know is what drove you so deeply into secrecy. She doesn't know what it's like to be beaten black and blue for being a "sissy", or to have other boys punching you in places where it won't show, while no one is looking because they think that you are not only a "sissy" and a "fairy" but also a "faggot" and a "queer".

She has never been forced to wear ONLY Skirts, heels, stockings, and low-cut sweaters every day of the week for 2-3 decades, right? But forcing you to wear abrasive pants, baggy shirts, ugly shoes, and underwear that fit and feel more like training pants, and crawl up your butt to give you skid-marks, for 33 years in a row, for all but those few rare days when you get to wear ugly baggy shorts, and a baggy ugly T-shirt on a week-end, or maybe only on a saturday morning isn't much different. It would be like telling her that she could only wear flats on Saturday morning.

You might also point out that every time you violated this strict "Dress Code", you were punished severely with public humiliation, verbal abuse, physical abuse, and loss of respect. As a woman, she won't understand the importance of respect to a man, but it's as important as loyalty is to her.

You might also point out that most of the people in your life, including you parents, friends, and others you trusted, who DID know about your dressing, did not give you much in terms of emotional support. Given your unfontunate experiences of the past, you were legitimately afraid that if she found out, she would not only not respect you, but she wouldn't accept you, and might even hate you.

I've written a number of postings in this forum on aspects of coming out to a spouse. I have had worst case experiences even though I tried to let my spouse know early on, and had good experiences by working with my partner and spouse on creating contexts that were comfortable for them.

The thing you might want to let her know is that although Marissa is very important to you, your wife is MORE IMPORTANT (tell her otherwise and she will feel totally betrayed and never accept it). You need to get into communication as soon as possible and be willing to just LISTEN to everything she has to say, and to answer every question she asks as truthfully as you can. Then ask her what she wants from you? This is an open ended question, which leaves her the option of anything from "Stop being Marissa or give me a divorce" to conditions such as Don't do it in public, don't do it at home, or don't do it in front of the kids.

If she is in ANY WAY accepting, you want to listen to her terms and take them very seriously. She might want you to be more generous in bed, she might want to help you shop for less "****ty" clothes, she might even want to make SURE that you can completely pass. If all you have is cell phone or web-cam shots of yourself, she probably wasn't all that impressed. If she wants to coach you, by all means cooperate. Let HER decide how she wants to relate to Marissa. She might want Marissa to be a servant, doing chores, cleaning house, doing the dishes, and so on. She might want to be Mirissa's mistress, with you as her slave. She might want to have you really make love to her, like a woman would, taking all the time she needs to make sure she has lots of orgasms and is completely satisfied, before she give you satisfaction.

You want to let her know that the whole range of possibilities is available, and that you need to know what she needs from you. You might also need to tell her that you may need to consider her requests if any of them seem too extreme. Even if she asks for a divorce, you need to make sure that she is giving you a choice of divorce OR sommething such as not dressing.

You may find that her terms are easy to accept, and you may even find that you both find whole new dimensions of a wonderful new relationship where she gets to know the real you, and relate to ALL of you, rather than just the "Front" or "Role" you have tried to protect to fool others, including her, all these years.

The nature of her reaction indicates that she suspected, that she may have already thought about the conditions, and that she may already be ready to negotiate. It's very likely that she found your pictures a while ago and couldn't decide how to discuss it with you. After having had some time to think it over, she decided she wanted to get it out in the open, and now she may have secret needs she has never shared with you, that she is terrified that you wouldn't accept. She may express her requests as casual requests, even demands, but there is a good chance that these are as near and dear to HER heart as Marissa is to yours.

You have been "caught red handed", so there is nothing to "confess". She has already made thousands of assumptions, most of which are probably way off. She probably has thousands of questions that she is afraid to have you answer. At this point, she deserves as much honesty as you can possibly provide.

I would suggest that you take a few hours to write out your story, starting as far back as you can remember, and all the wonderful feelings you had when you dressed, and the shame and the guilt, and the fear and the tormenting and bullying you experienced as a result. Make sure you capture feelings, which is even more important than the facts and the details. Let her read the story and experience your life from a perspective you have been too afraid to share for 22 years.

If you have Kindle, you might want to order "Alice in Genderland" - which provides a great deal of very well researched observations and the experiences of a clinical psychiatrist as he is going up, first starting to dress, comes out to his first wife, goes through the loss, and finds peace of mind and love and a life that works, for him/her AND his wife.

You might also point out that it's very common for "closet cross-dressers" to want to dress as pretty and sexy as they can, because it's the ONLY chance they get to experience their feminine side. It's like Cinderella going to the ball, you want to look beutiful for the ball, but the rest of your life, it's sack-cloth and ashes. Many transexuals and cross-dressers who dress more frequently gradually transition to a more "conventional" wardrobe, some of which they can wear without the wig and make-up.