Lost & Confused...

[Kris83]

Well, where do I start? I'm a 28 yr old male in the military, but lately things have really been changing from where I used to be. I tried on my mother's clothes for the first time when I was around 12 or 13 out of curiosity. I was curious about guys at the time, but never did anything. Fast forward 15 years and I've been married, divorced, and re-married, had two kids, and admitted to myself that at the very least that I am Bi. However, over the last couple months things have started really changing for me. Within the last couple weeks I've been finding myself more & more thinking about wanting to be a real woman, and within the last week alone I've suddenly felt comfortable enough to begin wearing women's underwear on a daily basis, wearing nightgowns around the house, and even trying on my wife's skirts. I'm finding myself consistently wishing that I was truly a woman, but at the same time don't really know what to do. Although my wife isn't 100% sure what to make of all of this, she has picked out a nightgown & panties for me. I'm just really confused by this whole (seemingly) sudden change in my life. Could this change be due to a change in hormone levels? I'm just not sure what's going on, and even though I have an uncle who is gay, I am worried about how my family would respond to finding out that I am TG. Any advice or suggestions?

[hiddenpanties]

Kris, I understand completely. Read my posting here: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?158961-Military-Veteran-CD&p=2585170

[Melody Moore]

Hi Kris,

First of all, welcome and just know that you are not alone. What you are experiencing sounds like classic
GID (Gender Identity Disorder). That curiosity to dress up you mentioned is part of the experimental process
that we go through when we start to question our gender identities. But like many of us, you most likely
repressed it out of fear of being rejected or branded as a gay or homosexual. Many of us will also immerse
ourselves into hyper-masculine activities to mask what is really hidden away within and can also become
very homophobic ourselves. It is hard to overcome that as well because of so much shame & guilt that is
involved. It is good that you have come to terms with the fact that you are more than likely a bisexual.

There is a very high probability that genetic factors or a biological explanation why you are the way that you are.
See this link: http://www.shb-info.org/sexbrain.html for an in-depth look at how our gender identities are defined.

I did not find out until last year that I was born intersex (both male & female) and there was a huge effort to cover
this up from me and high expectations put on me as a male. I was made to feel that I had to get a good job & be a
good bread winner, even join the army if I had to, find a good woman, buy a house, have kids and settle down.

There are many of us here who are military veterans or still serving, so it is not as uncommon as you might think.
I also know quite a few former bikers who are covered in tatts that turned out to be male to female transsexuals.
& when you dig right back into it, you will find that their lives were all a complete lie, they had become conditioned
through peer pressure to conform to societies ideals of what you should be if you have the body of a male. But it
can be a shocker when your bell goes off and you finally realise that how you feel about yourself on the inside does
not match what is on the outside.

I would be interested to know what your childhood was like, how did you feel fitting in with other males etc., because
sometimes this gives us even more clues as to what is really going on. So feel welcome to share anything you want or
anything you feel, but in the meantime, try to find yourself a therapist and look more deeply into yourself so you can
understand yourself a lot better, then make the right decisions that suit you.
But in the meantime, just know you have friends here that don't like seeing our TS brothers & sisters left out in the cold. :hugs:

[Caroline2tone]

Hi Kris, a collegue of mine, someone I had known for the best part of 30 years, a real beer swilling, rugby playing, moustache wearing guy went through all this unbeknown to me and, I guess, every one else except his close family. In the end he decided that the 'she' inside was the real person and, although in the military started the process of gender reassignment. She remained in the military and, once her ops etc were complete, went back to her job. Not the only one either, although I didn't know the other girl I did meet her and she too stayed in the military throughout.

[Kris83]

Well Melody, my younger years were a little bit interesting. I always had more female friends than male friends, and I was always much more "sensitive" than other guys... and still am. There are certain things that will still never fail to make me tear up or cry. I was also picked on a lot when I was in school as well. There was more than one time when I would catch myself looking at other guys, as I have pretty much always had a fascination with the penis. I was always very careful about when & where I looked though, because I was always afraid of getting caught looking. As far as what my home life was like... well, it wasn't a smooth childhood. The house I grew up in met the criteria to be called an alcoholic household. My dad was never abusive. He was usually quite the opposite actually. He was always there if I needed him (even though he worked 3rd shift), and didn't force beliefs or things on me. He figured that if he told me not to do things, I was just going to do it anyways. My mom on the other hand... nothing was ever good enough for her. I was usually either not mature enough or not responsible enough for her, and was more than once told that the only person I ever thought about was myself. Needless to say, for years afterwords, I neglected myself in order to put others first. That didn't work out so well. In high school, I was the nice guy that every girl knew, but not many of them were actually friends. It's been a rough, up & down roller coaster ride over the years. Now that this is happening, I'm just not sure what's next. I'm finding myself seriously looking at women's clothes thinking about what I could wear, and looking at these pictures of others and wishing that I could look as much of a natural woman as some of them look. It doesn't bother me that this is happening. I'm just not used to it, so it feels a little weird to me. I'm just not sure what to do next, or how to proceed. Thank you for the support Melody. I really appreciate it.

[Kris83]

I really wish that was an option for me Caroline. Unfortunately, the U.S. Military doesn't allow that sort of thing to happen. Transgendered people are not allowed in the military, and as of September 22, 2011, gays & lesbians will just now be able to finally serve openly. The military & American society just aren't as accepting of this as some other countries and societies are. Other than trying to figure out how this will impact my children, my family, and my wife; if I could begin to transition and stay in the military, I totally would. I do enjoy my job as a Human Resources Tech, and would love to continue do it if I could. I also worry about trying to find a job when I get out that would not only be accepting of my transition, but one that would also have good healthcare as well. I'd like to start pursuing these changes a little more, but I worry about financial security once I leave the military.

[Sookie]

Hello Kris,
I am very familiar to your situation and your circumstances. It is something that i have fought for years myself. I have always been a "tough Guy", and actually love parts of it in my life, however i do agree that some of them I did for the reason of covering up too. I ride a harley, used to be a bullrider when i was younger, and I am also in the military. The harley part i will never give up, because i have learned to love it, so i guess i just have to make sure my panties are not showing when i am riding...lol. As far as the military, I am sorry friend, but it will always have to be a secret from them, just another sacrifice we make. I dont aspire to be a transexual, however i am bi, and intend on living my true desires when i am done with the military. Best of luck

Sookie

[Kris83]

I don't feel like I'm really "aspiring" to be transsexual. It started as just thoughts about being a woman, and now it's almost a strong desire to be a woman. I wouldn't say that it is a "need," but the desire has certainly increased. The thing that I'm more confused about than anything is how quickly all of this has changed. It's just odd to me that I can go from thoughts to strong desires in the span of a few weeks. Maybe it's repressed thoughts & feelings being release, but who knows. I know that I'll have to hide it as long as I'm in the military, and that's something I'll live with. I don't really want to "deal" with this desire with the purpose of making it go away. I'm strangely comfortable with the cross dressing and the desires. More than anything, I want to really understand why this is happening, and figure out what direction to take. I like to know what to do next, and that's one thing that I'm struggling with right now.

[Sookie]

Trust me Kris, that makes two of us

Sookie

[Rianna Humble]

Trust me, Kris and Sookie, none of us aspired to be transsexual, we either are or are not.

I don't know enough to answer your fundamental question, Kris, but some people like to liken our situation to highly trained racehorses waiting at the starting line. They don't spend hours philosophizing about why they race, but when that bell goes off, they charge off the line at full pelt. Could it be that you are TS and that something has made your bell go off?

[Kris83]

That's a good point Rianna. I never really thought of it that way, but that's a good point. I'm not sure what it is, but I think that you're right. Something has made my bell go off, and that's helped make me realize that I'm TS or TG... whichever you prefer to call it.

[Aprilrain]

A good place to start would be with a therapist versed in gender issues. A support group, If you can find one, can also be really helpful.