I cant handle this anymore

[Myojine]

I am so stressed out and im so close to breaking... i just cant handle it

there is no one in my life who cares, i have no friends, no family, no relatives, no significant others.
I live alone, my mind wanders alone into very dark places, and im starving todeath
I lost my job because my boyfriend abandoned me,
Ive begun to show late stages of anemia. Im so strongly addicted to the mmogames that they dont even work to help ease the pain anymore, they arent even fun, I have to play them to even function.
No one seems to be able to understand or handle my autism and bipolar disorder.

And most of all
this transgender....me being transgender.

i cant take it anymore
my voice, my face, my body, my sex organs...
the pain is so strong, and so deep reaching that ive relapsed back into cutting... and suicide is on my mind.... almost every waking moment.
If i go to a rehab/hospitle inpatient... i can pretty much assure that i will looose the place in which i live and the chance to find a job.
I will never be able to afford this, i wont ever be able to transition, who the hell am i fooling? no one in this sitation ever could.
its pointless and stupid to even beleive it.
I'll never be the person i was supose to be. its hope that has no place anymore.
Why was i borne this way? why such cruelty? born so that my parents would leave me, people mistreat me, and discriminate against me.

i see no other option
I cant dress in the clothes i want to, i cant ask the man i love to love me back, i cant.. even describe in words how i feel.
im so sick of this
meinz herz brennt...and i cant do this anymore.

[CharleneT]

Please go see someone at your local crisis center and soon :hugs:

[Inna]

I know in my deepest understanding that my words or for that matter, any one else's, which express sympathy, will not be really helpful. The pain is so severe that suicide is the only option which seems will ease the pain. Throwing the switch into an off position will release the bond with this ugly and brutal place.

But this switch, once turned off can never be set back, you shall never cry again, never feel cold wet tear run down your cheek gently caressing your dry lips, salty taste of sorrow reassuring of your humanity. You shall never say please love me, please see me for who I am, never look into a strangers eye and see the pain we all share, which divides but just the same unites us all.

You will never smell the sweet aroma of the donut shop reminding of the memories of childhood and drawing you in for a sinful bite of sugary heaven. Never will kiss on the sensual lips of a a lover, ever so gently, lost in the indescribable void of pleasure and calm.

Baby, I know what it feels, I did try once to turn this switch off, I had failed, and since then had experienced pain, sorrow, disappointment, loss, anger. But I also had experienced immeasurable love, miracles, beauty, serenity and hope.

It ultimately is up to you, but if life is not worth living and seems like a nightmare not worth your life, then don't be so worried about it, go and do what ever you feel like doing, what ever it is, weather shout out loud, stand naked in front of the world and scream **** YOU, I LOVE TO HATE, or I HATE TO LOVE just anything, because what can happen to you in the worst case scenario, you will lose your life? WOW, if that is all you can loose then what the heck are you worrying about. You are not afraid of death anyway.

Be free girl, and put on the clothes you want, and hope for a miracle, I PROMISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You shall see one today, I PROMISE!

[morgan51]

I can only assure you I care about you and how you are doing. Most people on here as well . most have gone thru rejection loneliness misery and come to find there is a better life ahead if we are just willing to work towards it. Please do go to your crisis center and ask for help. Hugs

[Chickhe]

Many others have gone through difficult times... I read some story recently about a once homeless person who is now a success in business who said the worst thing you can give someone who is living in the street is food and money... the reason was simple, it takes away your motivation. He said he got out of his situation by deciding to make the change himself and having the strength to stick to it.

In your post I see a lot of complaints... what you need is a plan, you need to decide what it is you need to do and start doing it (today)... and if you get stuck along the way, ask for help on specific problems or find a way to work around them... you can't do it all at once, so start with one issue, you will feel better making some progress.

[wanagione]

Please call a crisis center! There are people out there who do care, it's time you found them. You do have much to offer, really, don't give up just yet, fight allitle longer and make the call for help.

[ReineD]

Please read this, Myo. It helped me once:

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

[Beth-Lock]

Dear Myo,
There are many here who care and want to be your Internet friend. No small number of them have been through what you are going through, in one way or another. Suicide attempts are also problematic. Better to seek help if you have somewhere to go.

[Byanca]

I don't know how to help you. I just try to ignore this. They are basically feelings, ironically. And feelings shouldn't be like this imo. I have some idea that it's a matter of perspective. But I'm not sure.

Edit-I'm going to read the article ReineD
linked.

[abigailf]

Myo,

If I was near you right now I would give you a hug.

For now though, take a deep breath and be strong.

I will tell you what has helped me to get past these feelings.

First, I identified and itemized the things that were causing me pain and causing the negative feelings.
Then I created a plan and a schedule to address each one of those items.

Having the plan became my salvation. Something for me to look forward to. A goal to achieve. It keeps me going and when I start to feel depressed again, I look to the plan. I will even adjust it if necessary.

Most of all, I talk to my therapist about my feelings. He is a good guide and keeps me grounded.

Crazy right? I know, but it helps me.

[Jay Cee]

If i go to a rehab/hospitle inpatient... i can pretty much assure that i will looose the place in which i live and the chance to find a job.

There will be other places to live, and other opportunities for jobs.

Like others have said, call or go see a crisis counsellor.

One piece of advice that you may find helpful: don't think about, or try to solve, all your problems at once.

One thing at a time, girl. You'll get through this. You'll look back one day and think "Wow, I was there, and now look at how good things are."

[Adriennegrl]

You've already got some wonderful advice from more experienced girls and a GG, so I don't think that I'll shed anymore light, but...

While I know some of your pain, I can't pretend to know it all, we're all so different and the challenges we face are too. I live alone as well and feel trapped, locked up and depressed often. I'm trying to find my place in this TG world after shutting it out and brushing it aside for so long. One advantage you have is that you're in your 20's, so you have plenty of time. I'm facing this head on in my 30's.

Like others said, get help immediately for the suicide thoughts and face one issue at a time. I really wish you the best and do keep us posted.

[IMkrystal]

You had the courage to post your feelings Listen to the advise and comment others have expressed because many of us have had similar feelings and have had to deal with the pain they cause!

[Myojine]

I thought i should post and say that im ok... for now. with a few more dark slices in my wrist but im fine...
Ive deisded to drown myself in endless league of legends matches(its a game) and rave music, and some porn... escaping the pain for as much as I can.
Its apparent dont know how to deal with this...nor do i have the time and means.
i think this is just going to end up killing me.

[ReineD]

I hope this site is dedicated to the offering of friendship.

It is, Beth, but a good friend does suggest professional help when it is indicated. Myo's problems are pretty severe and she really does need the help.

Myo, I hope you will seriously consider the advice given you here. I know you've been struggling with this for a long time. If you wait for the next downward spiral before you do anything, next time you may not be able to pull out of it. Please think about this.

[Beth-Lock]

This site offers not only Internet friendship, but a sense of connection which counteracts the 'anomie' that the famous study by Emile Durkheim identifies with suicide, in his book entitled 'Suicide.' This connectivity fights the feeling of being anonynmous, rootless and not mattering. The people here do care, though some are a bit obtuse about it, granted. This may be a subtle factor in social theory, but it is a long accepted one, and one with practical consequences, here and now.
I care about you Myojine. Contact me via PM if you need help.