Just Go And Dress UP

[Kate J]

While having an argument with my wife about money of all things, she brings up the dressing and says to me “just go and dress up”.

The problem that I have is that for the past 4 months I have gone cold turkey for her, because she is not supportive after I told her and said stop it or I am going to leave with the kids, so I did. But now she just keeps throwing things like this back at me.

Is this normal?

I would love to keep doing what I was but I have stopped because I love her and the kids more than my hobby, as I call it.

Any comments would be much appreciated

Kate

[linda allen]

Never do something that your wife tells you to do when she is angry. She didn't really mean it and if you were to go into the other room, then come back in a dress, boobs, and a wig, she would have a fit.

You should not do it or mention it for a few days. Then when the two of you are alone in a quiet place, perhaps with a couple glasses of wine, bring it up. Ask her if she really meant it when she told you to go dress up. Judge her reaction, and decide if you should discuss it further or drop it.

I think children living in the home play a big part in a wife's acceptance of our dressing. She may not be bothered so much, but having the children find out would be a big concern.

As for stopping, I would choose my wife over my bras any day if it came down to that. And I wouldn't resent her for it.

[Tina B.]

It all sounds well and good, and if I though I could give it up, I would have years ago, but it's just not that easy for some of us to give it up. If you can, I'm sure your wife would love it, but mine tells be to go get dressed when she finds me getting moody, or quite for a few days (depressed, and some times she sees it before I do), or angry without a good reason. I've found I just don't handle giving up to well, so years ago, I came to the conclusion the quitting is not an option for me. Luckily, I've found a women, that loves me for just what and who I am, not that she loves the cross dressing, but she is not bothered by it, she just figures I'm different, but over all not so bad a catch. I hope the two of you can find a place where everyone gets to be happy, it sure helped make the last 40 years a pleasure for us.
Tina B.

[ReineD]

She likely thinks you love to dress more than you love her, even if you aren't dressing right now. So, when there is an argument, she probably thinks you're angry because you're not dressing. This is just a guess.

Sounds like the two of you are long overdue for an in depth talk about what the CDing means to you, the history of it all including all your feelings about it since you were a child, what she thinks it is all about, what she is afraid of, what all of your concerns are, and how far you would like to take it should she change her mind.

Most importantly, by agreeing to not dress you are reinforcing her belief that the CDing is no more than a bad habit for you, like smoking.

[kathrynt21]

She appears to be using it as ammunition (for lack of a better term) during the argument.
She knows that you like to dress. You know that she doesn't like it.
You are already in the position of, as Reine said, having basically agreed with her that your CD'ing is wrong and even though she knows you have stopped, she is using it as a tool during her argument. This, in my estimation, is not cool or fair.
I suggest that during a quiet time you tell her that this is not the way you want her to treat you and that if she is not going to be supportive of the dressing and you have been willing to stop because of her and the kids, she can't use it during arguments.

[Chickhe]

It depends how she said it.... when she says it again, say 'you know, I think I just might... does this mean you are going to go live with the kids?' ...and say it with some enthusism at the end.

[Stephanie47]

With some disapproving wives they will never let you hear the end of it. In one way or another the knowledge they possess can be used for blackmailing a husband. And, her viewpoint of the marriage was totally changed by her knowledge of your crossdressing. I know this is going to be headed to the old discussion of deceit and full disclosure. :(

[ReineD]

I just want to add something. I guess we can all look at other people's unhappiness different ways and I suppose there are some people who are ornery just for the sake of being ornery.

But, having spoken to as many GGs as I have, it is not my experience that a wife who loves her husband will attack just as a form of emotional blackmail (unless maybe they are very young and have not fully matured emotionally yet), just because she feels like it. Usually underneath the caustic comments, the GGs feels a lot of pain that is fueled by massive misunderstanding and lack of knowledge, on top of feeling they've been lied to.

Just saying.

Although the OP did say his wife gave him an ultimatum, he only described their entire lives and their marriage dynamics leading up to that one incident in one tiny little paragraph. The OP did not say if there was one particular incident that let up to the ultimatum (such as the wife having discovered something). He also has not described how he has dealt with the absence of CDing since then and if this has affected his mood or not. There is not enough in the first post for us to dismiss his wife's reaction as just being mean or attempting to control the situation.

KatieBooth, you really do need to talk to your wife, a lot more than the conversation you describe in your post. Have you read these threads?

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?12890-Now-I-Like-It-Now-I-Don-t

Also, if there is more to the story than you wrote, you should post it all so that you can receive proper advice for your situation. It's not unheard of for CDs to do crazy things when they're in a pink fog, and people will not judge you for this if anything in particular did happen. (well, most people ... but you can ignore those who do judge).

[NicoleScott]

Caving to a threat/demand leads to more threats/demands. My wife used to use threats of divorce for getting her way. That is, until I dropped a phone book in her lap and said "call a laywer, let's do it". The threats stopped, because the tactic didn't work any more. That was early in our marriage. She didn't really want a divorce, it was only a tactic for getting her way. We're at 17 years and counting.
Of course, the flip side of this is if she a HAD called a lawyer and really wanted a divorce. I suspected she didn't, and called her bluff.
I guess the lesson for both sides is: don't make threats (or promises) you don't intend to carry out. That may be for the divorce threat, and it may be for the promise to quit dressing.
A good conversation will happen when the games stop, and you both get serious. I'm not sayng it's not a serious matter - it is. But if you promised to stop dressing in response to a threat, and for the sake of the marriage, is it a promise you can keep? Apparently you still want to dress, and you are asking us if we consider what she blurted out in an argument is considered permission to dress again. I don't think so. Things said when angry or drunk can't be very reliable.

[linda allen]

.......I guess the lesson for both sides is: don't make threats (or promises) you don't intend to carry out. ............

In a really good marriage, there will not be any threats. There may be promises. And if you're not in a really good marriage, you're wasting your life. I'm on my third, this is the first (and last, I hope) really good marriage.

[NicoleScott]

In a really good marriage, there will not be any threats.

Agree. But that doesn't mean that threats in a marriage doom it. Not all marriages start out "really good", with perfectly mature people who handle adversity skillfully. We learn, we grow, we mature, we communication better, we quit playing games. Hopefully, the threats stop and the marriage gets "really good".

[abigailf]

Two words: Couples counselling.

Start now.

[DonnaT]

If she says it again, ask her, "Why do you keep telling me to dress up?" Then say, "I've tried to stop because I love you, but I am not sure what to make of your statement!"

Then let her explain herself.

Maybe she thinks you'll be less likely to argue?