My secret has been uncovered

[doyle nitely]

Hello,

My wife has just found a pair of my knickers when emptying the washing machine. She held them up and asked whose they were. With a deep breath I claimed ownership of the knickers.

She has not taken the news very well.

At the end of the conversation I have been given a choice. Knock the crossdressing on the head or leave the house.

Does anyone think that it is possible to stop crossdressing? The only thing I can measure it against is stopping smoking and have been off the smokes for 8 years now.

I tried to explain that I do not want to change gender, that I find only women attractive.

My wife thinks that crossdressing is slightly twisted and wrong and why could I have not told her this and kept it hidden. I explained that through fear of losing my wife, family and home.

She has gone out with my Mum and Aunty to the shops and I have the kids.

I love them sooo much and feel terrible about all this.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

I have been crossdressing since I was 10. Been through the purge and binge stages a few times. I have no great interest to go out in public dressed up. I find it very relaxing and secure when I do dress and underdress.

Thank you for your time. X

[Foxy Lady]

Keep telling her that you crossdrees to relax and be happy. When my wife first found out about me she was shocked, now we trade clothes and she accepts my dressing 100 percent,

[Tina B.]

At this point, keep trying to talk to her, and hope she will listen, is about all you can do, as far as giving up dressing, sure you can, I've quit hundreds of times over the years, but like cigarettes, no one quits just once. I started dressing at around 6 years old, and feel a strong force pulling on me, if I don't give in to it, but that's just me, so I don't feel I can quit, but maybe, depending on why, you dress, and how compelled you are to dress, maybe you could quit. You say you have purged more than once, so I take you have tried to quit before, what brought you back? That will have a lot to do with answering your question, about whither or not you can quit. It's got to be a hard spot to find yourself in, and I hope the two of you can work it all out, you might remind her it is harmless. Oh, and you can't tell her, and keep it hidden both, so how where you to know if you should have told her, or kept it hidden, see you where doing the right thing.
Tina B.

[Shelly67]

Perhaps the best thing is to seriously take some time out . It seems as if now whilst anger is present and ultimatums are being issued you can really only act in one way. Rather than enflamme the situation things need to be dealt carefully , considerately . Communication is the key in life , no matter the situation , you both must have realised , eventually you are going to have to talk . However , pride bites hard and will not let go easily . And whilst you are both in shock and fear , niether of you will see clearly.
IF it were me in youre situation right now , I'd ask my wife could we please sit down in a neutral setting in the near future when anger has calmed and try to talk openly . I'd go further and inform her of my fears , my love for my family . I would then try my hardest to show her just how much she means to me , be paitient , considerate and most of all supportive . Only you truely know youre wife , but there is one serious factor in this troublesome matter . More important than anything LISTEN to her . I bet the poor lady is fretting like mad .
Until then I'd do nothing more , not until the time to sit down and try to gain understanding that there has to be a clear channel of communication , even if that means external proffessional help .
Sorry to be so blunt , but with children in the picture , you must think of how to hold the family together . Ultimatums are normally a knee jerk reaction , understandable , but hard to move round .
I can only wish you all , the very best , hopefully engaging in proper honest chatting , seeing past the disbelief and anger allowing you all to continue to grow as time passes .
Good luck .

[Deana ♥ Danni]

Can you ask her to sit down and talk with you, openly and honestly? As a GG, I feel like she might just be scared right now and just not understanding. I hope everything works out. Hugs.

Deana

[Cynthia Anne]

Some great advice here! The reason you can quit smoking is because weren't born with that desire is my opinion! Unlike cd-ing! Some may think I'm wrong and crazy as a loom, but I've been there before! Sure you can hold off cd-ing for a while but you can't quit! TALK! is your greatest weapon! Open up to her and be honest! Perhaps you can get her to read some information on the subject! ONE GREAT PLACE TO GET THE INFO IS RIGHT HERE! If she doesn't listen and still refuses then perhaps outside help is the answer! Most of all don't regret anything by purging! Hoping the best for you! Hugs!

[DonnaT]

If talking doesn't work, then you'll have to go back into stealth mode, because quitting for any great length of time is nearly impossible.

[PretzelGirl]

There is a lot of good advice here. Talking is always a main key. Talk with her, let her know how you feel, and listen to her.

I am going to say that there are some that can quit. I know this goes against common thoughts here. The reason I believe this is that I also believe that if you can imagine someone being a certain way and having certain drivers, then that person exists. Most people here feel internally driven to dress and then feel that everyone has the same feelings. Well this is not necessarily true. There can be a lot of reasons for someone to dress. But those with the internal feelings are obviously far and away the majority.

So how does this apply to you? Well you say that you have purged and binged a few times. This is a sign that something is driving you. If it is something that is deep down inside of you, then you aren't going to be able to easily quit. In fact quitting when you are driven in that way, can lead to stress and depression. But only you can know what drives you and not any of us. So you have to think about how you feel and how deep this is inside of you.

Take a deep breath and think everything through. While you are debating what can and can't be done, keep the communication going with your wife. This above all is the most important thing to do.

Best wishes to you. :hugs:

[Adriennegrl]

You should read a recent thread, 'Wow that was fast' (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?159248-Wow!-That-was-fast./page2). It goes through a scenario similar to yours. The outcome was positive but didn't start that way.

[Genifer Teal]

Hello, My wife has just found a pair of my knickers when emptying the washing machine. . . .She has not taken the news very well.

Sorry to hear



My wife thinks that crossdressing is slightly twisted and wrong

Only "slightly" twisted? There may be hope for her yet.


. . . why could I have not told her this and kept it hidden.

Her unwillingness to talk about it (and her ultimatum to stop or leave) is providing credibility to your reason to hide it. If everything else is fine then why should this matter as long as you keep it hidden?


I explained that through fear of losing my wife, family and home.

Careful, you might be giving her ideas.

When my older brother found out, he practically disowned me. Our relationship is no longer the same, but he eventually came around. We talk on the phone and at family gatherings. We don't hang out much but he has moved to another state. (not to get away from me - lol)

A wife or SO is a bit different than a sibling. You will HAVE to talk sooner or later. Give it a few days then try to talk to her. Don't completely blame yourself for your mistakes. Many of your actions are typical of others in this situation.

It seems from your purging, you stopped many times, maybe around the time you met her or even married? Bet you thought at the time, why bother telling? If so, she needs to know this.

Every time you purged the CDing came back. This suggests you tried to stop but couldn't. Thus hiding it seemed to be the only option for fear of loosing her.

Best of luck. I hope this all works out for you.

[Piora]

Crossdressing is part of who we all are. It's something that never goes away. It's possible to abstain for a period of time.....I did it for 6 years, after my marriage broke up (nothing to do with my CD-ing) But it's always there in your mind on some level.

I can't comment on how you must deal with your situation, because I have never experienced it. There are numerous members on here who have, though - and they offer good advice.

[Babeba]

Give it a little time (try and do all the gallantly sweet things that you did when she fell in love with you - prove to her that she is important in your eyes), then bring it up gently again. You can emphasize that it is a part of your life that you have had trouble coming to terms with... I would suspect that part of your fear of losing her over it comes from the fact that deep down inside, you suspect that you would do that if the roles were reversed and you were the wife of a crossdresser.

It might be possible to totally quit dressing - but I don't think if someone did that he would keep hanging around this board, do you? From what I've seen, the urge to dress will still come back. It's a part of you. You may not like it right now and neither may your wife - but it's still part of who you are. It's important to be open and honest with your spouse, and to not push her too far, too fast - sometimes these seem very contradictory but with patience you can do it.

If your wife wants someone else who has gone through this to talk to, she can join the board here. There is information on how to join the GG (genetic girl) only section in the FAQs.

[Jilmac]

By comparison, quitting smoking is a piece of cake as opposed to quitting crossdressing. I have been in similar situations with two spouses, been off smokes for 30+ years but never lost my desire to dress. I plan to be dressing until my body is being covered with dirt.

[Kathy4ever]

The same thing happened to me two years ago. Now I wear panties everyday. I have many woman shorts & tank tops. Wife still thinks I'm weird but let's me do what I want to a certain degree. My hair is getting longer and more fem and I wear medium hoop earrings that are very fem looking. I luv my new capri pants-they do show off my back bottom half nicely.My sandals are fem looking too. Every where either shaved or epilated If it was not for work my finger nails would be painted the same pink as my toenails or other colors.
Warning label attached-
Not all wives will change so please becarefull with how you approach your situation. It has taken a long time to get this far. Still hoping for more one day like the heels in my avatar and dresses & skirits.Going to dinner or dancing in fem. I want to wear my bras everyday too, but one step at a time. I am thankfull what I have achieved this summer.

[doyle nitely]

Thank you all guys, just back in the house now. I will take all of your advice and use it to the best.

I will keep you all updated.

X

[doyle nitely]

We talked until 1am last night.

She has made it perfectly clear that crossdressing will not play a role in our relationship. Nor will she tolerate it in our home.

She is still very angry and upset about what has happened.

I tried to explain that crossdressing is a harmless hobby the same as someone who has to write down the number of a train that has gone past him. I explained that I don't drink, do drugs, womanise, gamble, beat her or the kids to show there are worse things out there.

She said she doesn't know if our relationship can go back to the way it was.

I will sit down again tonight and suggest she looks at some of the posts in here. To try and help her understand a little bit more and that she is not at fault for my crossdressing.

Thank to all who has reply, wishing you all much love and hugs.

X

[Shelly67]

I feel for you both .
Anger is rife right now , I know how desperately you wish to gain a common ground and peace with your wife . However , perhaps you are rushing in a little in haste ?
Put the crossdressing issue away .
Let the anger fade .
Please try to consider this at least , whilst in a situation of rage , nothing ever gets heard . Try to look outside the " box " .
I apologise for my bluntness , but thats my honesty forthright .
All the very best of luck .

[Eryn]

I'm sorry to hear that your wife is still recalcitrant. It's still early in the process and she will need time to acclimate to the situation as it is now. Keep communication happening and continue to remind her that you are exactly the same person you were before she made her discovery. She is the one who has changed and it seems that her change is not healthy to your relationship.

One think I wanted to discuss from your original post:


Knock the crossdressing on the head or leave the house.

Leaving the house is not an option. It is your house as much as hers and you have done nothing wrong.

Things will get better if communications are maintained and you both approach the discussion with a mature, cooperative attitude. Ultimatums and "lines in the sand" are not the way that adults resolve their difficulties.

Eryn.

[Chickhe]

What about?... telling her if she doesn't like it, she can leave? Tell her you feel like a disapointment to her (pull her heart strings so she feel empathy towards you and see you are only human, you have feelings and you are trying)...but do not promise you will stop...promise that you will try to find out what the CDing means to you and you will try to stop. You can then tell her later that you promised to 'try' to get better.

Here's the funny part... for me I think dressing was tied to a compulsion and shame. Once I decided there is no shame in CDing I felt better. The compulsion when away when I CDed enough to answer every fear I had about it... basically I completed the CDing related items on my bucket list and I no longer feel the need to CD. So the funny part is, you have to be free to experiment before you can stop because you need to satisfy a curiosity that will never go away otherwise. After all this, I still enjoy the challenge of CDing, but I could take it of leave it and I have no shame in telling anyone I CD, but I am cautious to not tell people who could impact my family in a negative way.

[Katie83]

Your situation sounds very similar to how mine was a few months ago. Give her time to calm down and think about it. She will probably have a lot of questions to ask, my wife did, just answer them honestly. My wife is now starting to come round to the idea although she still doesn't want to see Katie.
Your family should be your highest priority though so don't force any issues. Make sure that she knows that you love her and the kids. You can't say things like that too much! Just give it plenty of time.
Katie

[Genifer Teal]

I tried to explain that crossdressing is a harmless hobby the same as someone who has to write down the number of a train that has gone past him.

Are you into this too? lol How did you ever think of such a comparison?

[Jenny Doolittle]

Hi doyle,

Unfortunately, at least in my case, stop smoking is a cake walk compared to trying to stop CDing.

I think the previous advice is right on the mark, keep communicating.

Wish you the best,

Jenny

[JenniferR771]

Your wife sounds just like mine. We have made slow progress over the years. Now she knows about the 20 dresses and 13 pair of heels in my storage shed. She is Ok with me going to support group. She knows the names of some of my cd buddies.

[Katira]

Your situation is so true to many of us here. My wife was furious with me about the CD when she found my bras many years ago. It took many years for her to understand me and accept me wearing the womens clothes I wear, now, most of the time.
Wishing you the best.

[Dawn cd]

I very much support discussions to resolve this matter, but I also want to second Eryn and what she said about ultimatums. What right does your SO have to issue ultimatums? Could you, in return, say, "If you wear a male shirt or even one stitch of male clothing you must leave the house"? Or, "If you sit down with a beer to watch a football game or indulge in any other male behavior, you must leave the house"?

Your wife wants to confine you to stereotypical male behavior as she defines it. But EVERYONE fudges gender lines in some manner or another. Actually, your manner of fudging it was private and unseen--it was underclothing. Your wife needs to calm down and think this out, and refrain from kneejerk ultimatums.

[*Vanessa*]

Hey Doyle
Some blunt answers here and I mean you no harm;

"Does anyone think that it is possible to stop crossdressing?";
Of course it isn't a disease! That said, however you have to want to stop for the reason you set up not someone else. If the stopping is out of fear and pity it will only hurt you more. To compare it to stopping smoking well... Smoking is a chemical addiction, unless you are smoking your panties then don't worry it is not the same thing. :)

Keep talking you will be ok. Things change even when we can't see it happening.
take care
v.

[Jason+]

Doyle,

Hats off to you for answering her honestly when she asked, like the others have said keep doing that.

My wife and I discussed whether or not I could stop cross dressing. The answer is without a doubt yes. What I could not do is pretend that I don't want to or promise that denying what seems to be an inherent part of my makeup wouldn't foster a growing resentment and bitterness just as poisonous as the clothing to us. She asked what I would do if she told me to choose between her and clothing. I told her that was a battle she lost long before I met her when I was 12.

If she was considering an ultimatum it never came. For your wife I suspect this an emotional and visual issue every bit as much as it is a logical one. Logical arguments and counter ultimatums would be like using gasoline to extinguish a trash can fire. Patience (that will hopefully be returned), love, a little room and some information along with time to process it I think would work better.

Either way I wish only the best for you, her and your children.

[doyle nitely]

Hi Girls and Ladies,

After a very bad week of sleeping in separate rooms. Some heart felt conversations and some serious self examination, my wife and I are back on the mend.

She has said that I have taken a piece of trust from her by not telling her about my crossdressing and I can understand that. I am going to give it 100% commitment, we were each others best friend and soul partner.

My wife is not accepting of my crossdressing and does not want it to take place in our marriage.

My view now is that some times in life we must sacrifice something to make a greater cause work or to get positive result. My marriage and family life comes higher in my priorities than my crossdressing.

As much as it will pain me I wil purge all my girlie things including my favourite knickers from M&S http://m.marksandspencer.com/mt/www.marksandspencer.com/Wide-Lace-Trim-Brazilian-Knickers/dp/B0020P0Q8E?ie=UTF8&ref=sr_1_3&nodeId=62805031&sr=1-3&qid=1315371521&pf_rd_r=0B604JZJP6AKMJG9ZR1C&pf_rd_m=A2BO0OYVBKIQJM&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_i=62805031&pf_rd_p=215570647&pf_rd_s=related-items-3&un_jtt_v_views=MAIN

I would like to thank every one for all the advice and time that you have given me and wish all of those who have accepting SO's the very best and to enjoy every minute. And to those who are footloose and fancy free - go girlfriend and shake that booty!! :))

I am so grateful that this community was here and ready to support those who need some guidance, a shoulder to cry on and a friend to share a joke with. I can only see good things for this community and maybe one day there won't be crossdressing. And we strange creatures called humans will be accepting and be able to support us girls that like the soft silk,satin or lacey clothes.

Don't worry, I have not forgotten about you beautiful GG's! Thank you to every one of you, you are very sepcial ladies indeed. Thank you for your understanding and support of your crossdressing partner. You are the most important person in his life.

I will always wear my heels on the inside.

Love, hugs and kisses to you all.

D

[TinaMc]

Well good luck with that, but the path you are taking isn't likely to be an easy one at all. The whole guilty purge followed by a pink-fog inspired replenishment of stock is a very common pattern, so I'd say if you don't want to get yourself in a whole lot more trouble with your wife you're going to have to work hard to avoid the pink fog altogether...