All alone

[Meredy]

Without going into a bunch of background, I feel so alone.

Once I started coming to grips with all this, I told my mom. She was not very receptive, even with my past background as a teen.

When the feelings returned and did not subside, I told my wife. I actually told my wife 5 months after she told me that she wanted to leave me (4 months after my urges returned). I figured it would either bring us closer or be the nail in the coffin, it was neither. Now it is just ignored and we continue to be considered as room mates, staying together for the house.

I am socially retarded and have been for the majority of my life so have fewer friends than I have fingers on one hand, so do not really have anybody that I can feel confortable talking about my true feelings with, without fear of losing people that I can talk to about other things.

I have considered a therapist but as a one income family it is a considerable debit to my income, so cannot consider that at this point in time.

So I'm at the point that life is spiralling out of control, between feelings and needs with having a place to turn. I'm not looking for sympathy but just a place to purge my weights.

Thank you for affording me a place to state my situation, it is a great relief to just place my thoughts and situation.

[cyclone1]

Hang in there Meredy. Things will get better and we are all here for ya. Tough times don't last, tough people do.

[sissystephanie]

Meredy, as a member of this Forum you are never alone!! We are all here to help you in any way we can. I have been a crossdresser for the better part of 70 years, and have helped other crossdressers many times. Feel free to PM me, or even to email me if you wish!!

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

Meredy, I feel alone especially when I get depressed. The forum is a place to chat and try and find answers to problems that are hassling us with CD etc circumstances. Hang in there and you will find we are all experiencing similar problems and we all try and help in some way or another.

[Megan72]

Meredy,
Most of us here have felt the same way you do right now. In this forum we are more than friends and we are all here to help each other. So as far as nor having as many friends as fingers, well there are somthing like 40,000 members here, that a lot of fingers for rings hun. Feel free to pm me anytime. I have a background in social work so I see the world a bit differently sometimes bur I will do what I can. Keep your head up.
Kellie

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Meredy, as others have already pointed out, we are here to support you - or just to let you rant if you feel the need for that occasionally. Have you considered looking for a support group meeting near you? That could be another way of finding people to talk to who will understand without having to pay a therapist.

[Intertwined]

Like the others have said, we have each other here on this Forum, I know its not the same as "face to face" but its better than nothing.

Your situation is not that much different than mine.

My wife did not know about my CD till after we were married, she was O.K. with it, set down some rules, I broke one of the rules, and we have not slept in the same bed since for nearly 2 years.

Everything from finances to the weather is 'Marsha's' fault.. I contantly hear, "I Hate Marsha, She is mean "

I would considner counseling for both of us, but that costs $$, and with bills up, and income down, thats not going to happen.

Add the stress that my wife's prostetic leg is not fitting, and not knowing if insurance is ready to pay $20,000 for the next one, and my wifes stomach problems, and Both of us worried about our 28 year old daughter that lives at home, who has had 2 strokes in the past year, and is now suffering from severe migraines.

All the lay offs at work has doubled my work load, plus trying to save $5 a day by riding my bicycle 33 miles round trip to work which takes an extra 2 hours a day, plus the 10 to 12 hour work day, makes a 12 to 14 hour away from home day.

I better stop, whats the phrase? "Attitudes are contageous, mine just might kill you"

[Meredy]

Thanks to all that posted.

I have looked for local groups and have found none at this point, and there are none that I have found. I just wish there was somebody that I could sit and have a glass of wine or a beer and talk with. I just opened up to one of the women I know (hoping she will not tell her husband) about my feelings.

Secrets suck, but making the secrets common knowledge are even more scarey.

[docrobbysherry]

Meredy, Rianna is rite! While u will get lots of support here, it's NOT the same as chatting with someone in person one on one! Simply written words on your computer.

For me, I've enjoyed so many wonderful and amazing individuals here. However, they don't become REAL for me until I meet them! Which I have done a number of times. Please find a nearby group of CD/TG/TSs near u. Meet them. I think you'll be VERY HAPPY u did!

[Kaitlyn26]

Sounds vaguely familiar. You'll either learn to live with it, or die trying. If I were you I'd try to take steps to learn to live with it. :hugs:

[sterling12]

[QUOTE=Meredy;2588715]Thanks to all that posted.

"I have looked for local groups and have found none at this point, and there are none that I have found. I just wish there was somebody that I could sit and have a glass of wine or a beer and talk with."

Hi! Have you tried your local LGBT Center? These Days, Most towns have one. Certainly there should be a Center within your Region. They almost certainly will be able to put you in touch with A Group. You might have to travel a few miles, but I think it would do a lot to cure your feelings of loneliness.

But a Word of Warning! You claimed to be "Socially Retarded." When you join A Group, they will do their best to "get you started," but if you don't start to stick out your hand and make friends, don't be surprised if nobody breaks their back to "adopt" you. To make a Friend....be a friend! It's trite, but useful advise. You don't have to become a Social Butterfly, but you will need to force yourself into opening up, taking risks, and letting your femme alter-ego express herself. But, who knows? I imagine Meredy might just be a very different personality. Maybe she's just been waiting for The Opportunity!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[cassandra54]

sorry to hear that man. i like you, am somewhat socially retarded. that's a good term. like you i don't have many friends as i don't really fit into the guy mold very well. just a thought though, my SO and I had a falling out when i told her i needed to be in an open relationship and i took one of the spare bedrooms in the house. it's been almost 3 years, we are still the best of friends, still consider each other the SO. who knows, maybe if you talk to her and maybe show her how many SOs go on line here, she might come around.
hang in there

[suzy1]

Sounds vaguely familiar. You'll either learn to live with it, or die trying. If I were you I'd try to take steps to learn to live with it. :hugs:

Now that’s what I call getting to the point Kaitlyn. No messing with words there then!
But I could not agree more.
I am one member here that’s gone through hell and back. And I have learned that in many ways life is what you make it.
Don’t fall into the trap of just feeling sorry for yourself. You have one life so fight for it.

SUZY

[Gocaps14]

I am feeling the exact same feelings and also have nowhere to turn. I am going to start a blog, anonymously, and I am going to start at the begining and move chronologicly until now. I have no intention of sharing with the few people I love. I have a lot of things to deal with; dressing, drugs and alchohol,my wifes long affair, all major stuff.The goal is to get out all my thoughts and feelings so I can put stuff to rest and get on with a happy life.

[Belinda Gail]

I agree with everyone else. Check around some more for a group. I am very much like you. I can count friends on less than 1 hand and that includes family. Only difference is I do not have SO. Be strong. I have hit rock bottom quite a few times but have had the strength and the will to get back up. You can do this. Pm me if you would like to talk. I am always up to listen and help if at all possible.
Belinda

[Brenda79135]

Isolation is a terrible thing. That is why it is a punishment in prison. To isolate someone from any contact is just cruel. You have lthe feeling you have lost your only friend and partner in life. This will create depression that comes from being isolated. The CDing itself is not playing an overwhelming part of this right now. You are just alone. There are several things that can be done to fix this. Big Brothers/Big Sisters is a good place to start. The kids that are there are suffering from isolation also and looking for a friend. You can get your needs filled by helping some else. You may not be able to discuss the Cding with them, but the human interactions is the thing you need for your self.

[Diane Elizabeth]

Sounds like my story, except I haven't told my mother. Too chicken right now. I told the SO years ago figuring it would lead to a D. So far I am like you in that she and I are roomates. Together for the house since we can't sell it right now without a heavy loss. I do get to go to my therapist, but with little money to pay her it isn't often. I am a socially retarded wallfdandelion with only a few friends that I haven't talked to yet. I am working on telling my mother soon. I froze once when I had a chance.

This site has been a blessing to me over the years I have been here. Giving nourishing encouragement and letting me spout and spew my rants over things that hurt. I love you girls. Thanks
Sorry . back to you Meredy. Hang in there.

[Jenny Doolittle]

Hi Meredy

Hang in there girl, the support and friends U you will make in here will help you so much. There is not a day that goes by that I don't offer this sites address to someone looking for help, understanding, or just fellowship. I say this is the best site on the net for information and support about being C.D.or transgendered.

I share many of your same issues, and the invitation is there for in depth conversation if you ever need.

Forward is always the best direction to go, and looking back will have you run into a pole on the sidewalk of life

Best of luck

Jenny

[Gaby2]

I'm sure describing your loneliness took a great effort, Meredy.
Do you realise that you are helping us as much as yourself?
You are going through a tough phase with the stalemate with your wife and the other worries, especially about your daughter.

I like being alone with myself.
That might be easy to say for someone like me who has a large circle of friends and acquaintances.
But it astounds me that I kept my CDing to myself for so long.
In many ways I was terribly lonely with these particular feelings.
Now that I have started opening up about CDing, I feel much more relaxed about it.
It's always difficult breaking the ice - but I've told quite a few people over the last year.

Try to keep moving forward in small steps and do seek people to whom you can open up to about your loneliness.
Perhaps each post in this thread is a "small step" in itself.
:hugs:Gaby

[NicoleScott]

Most guys I know have far more friends than I do, and I would guess that most have at least one very close friend with which they could share the most intimate details of their lives. Not me. And I suppose that it's at least partially because I crossdress. I'm not a hermit, but more like a good neighbor who behaves properly, stays on my side of the fence, and respects your privacy on your side of the fence. I used to attend a church where the pastor, at a given point in the service, asked everyone to stand and mingle and hug at least three people and tell them you love them. I hated that. I love the people but hated the imposition of the pastor's personality on me and others. I'm just a private person, and it's OK to be that way.
I can also relate to your domestic situation. My then-wife and I were a lot alike: very private and mostly unwilling to share private thoughts. She knew about my crossdressing and was OK with it, but other things brought both of us to want a divorce. Strangely (maybe not so strangely if you knew us) she wanted us to divorce but continue to be roommates. We were pretty good roommates, and for financial reasons I seriously considered it, but ultimately decided that neither of us needed any drama caused by her/my dating or my dressing, so we split but remained friends.
If a split is inevitable, it sure would be better to get together and make a plan that works for both of you.

[diannecourtney]

Hi: I am Dianne Courtney, I live in Mn. And I would invite you to go to the heading at the top of this page, "Cross Dressers" on the line under it you will find PRIVATE MESSAGES, send me one and we can chat abit. There are many things that happen on this site and I've been around for a long time and I learn someting new everyday. Welcome to you and I hope I can help you. Dianne

[*Vanessa*]

Without going into a bunch of background, I feel so alone.

Once I started coming to grips with all this, I told my mom. She was not very receptive, even with my past background as a teen.

When the feelings returned and did not subside, I told my wife. I actually told my wife 5 months after she told me that she wanted to leave me (4 months after my urges returned). I figured it would either bring us closer or be the nail in the coffin, it was neither. Now it is just ignored and we continue to be considered as room mates, staying together for the house.

I am socially retarded and have been for the majority of my life so have fewer friends than I have fingers on one hand, so do not really have anybody that I can feel confortable talking about my true feelings with, without fear of losing people that I can talk to about other things.

I have considered a therapist but as a one income family it is a considerable debit to my income, so cannot consider that at this point in time.

So I'm at the point that life is spiralling out of control, between feelings and needs with having a place to turn. I'm not looking for sympathy but just a place to purge my weights.

Thank you for affording me a place to state my situation, it is a great relief to just place my thoughts and situation.

I have a tremendous amount of empathy for you Meredy. When I joint crossdressers (yesterday) I had different objectives in mind, but the voices of other crossdresses soon changed my mind. There are many here with not only great looks but also great minds to go with them. I recognize your thoughts as if they were a mirror. I will help with that load anytime Meredy, take care.
Love v.

[Abbey Lane]

Meredy hang in there. As a former New Jerseyite life is tough. I wish I was there to discuss and be with you. But perhaps though this site ask for some New Jerseys to bond together. I am sure there are some in Warren County area that would love to have you as a friend. Ask in one of the forums for NJ gathering and maybe that might help you gain some friends. It's a thought. Best of luck to you from a former Bergen County and Sussex County resident.

[Dawn cd]

Meredy, I want to second the suggestion that you seek out someone to talk to face-to-face. Explaining your situation on this site is not enough. If your area does not have LGBT support, then reach out to the NJ Department of Human Services. They will often assist counseling for persons who can't at the moment afford it. It sounds like you are depressed. If so, this is a medical problem. Your primary care physician may assist in arranging counseling if he/she feels your health is threatened. I tend to be shy/introverted myself, so I know what it's like to hold a lot inside. There are people who can help you. Reach out to them, honey.

[adriane]

A therapist would do you good, both socially and with you current relationship. It will also help your life to move on, either with or without your wife. Even if you could go just a few times, I think it is what you need to do right now, if you can.

Bear in mind that this is just my opinion. I really wish for the best possible outcome to happen for you.

[Aprilrain]

the next best thing to a therapist is a support group and those are usually free!

[cracks_in_porcelain]

You are not alone. I love you and everyone here feels the same way!

[Meredy]

Since my first post, I came out to a friend, and had a short talk to her over the computer, but have not had contact with her since then. Not sure if it is just life or avoidance, just have to see how things shake out. I have also expanded my search for a support group.

Thank you all for letting me know that I'm not really alone. I was going through a rough spot and the outpouring of support really helped!

[kimdl93]

Consider joining a local TG support group. There is no reason for you to be isolated. Joining a group will help you learn social skills at that same time as you learn to accept yourself. That involvement and interaction may help in your marriage as well as in your life, generally.