changing your image with the spouse

[cdtraveler]

Ok am closested CD, married - happily- except for that little part about my wife of 10 years not knowing about my shear joy of dressing and everything fem! problem is she sees me as this tough, dependable, definately not fem man - which is most definately part of me too, but I've always fantasized about having her suggest I shave my legs or go to a halloween party dresssed and seeing where that might take us. Problem is I think if I ever suggested it it would be so out of character, am not sure she could handle it. Plus if she saw how turned on I got she might be turned off by the shift in how she sees me. anyone relate? any ideas (short of telling her about my dressing) on how you may have been able to make something like leg shaving or dressing up for some occation seem innocent?

[Karren H]

My wifes idea of me shifted when she found out. Personally I'd rather she still thought of me as a tough dependable husband than a pervert! Sigh.

[Megan72]

My fiance's perseption of me changed; for the better. I was struggling with some intamacy issues, I sought out a therapist, came out of the closet and now things are great. We have fun waxing, shopping, finding my style (i neverreally knew how to dress well), and playing with different roles. I am still the man most of the time, at least I look that way. I just make sure that I am a hairless ape instead of her pet yettie. Either way I have learned that keeping this secret is bad, for your relationship and your health.

[Eryn]

any ideas (short of telling her about my dressing) on how you may have been able to make something like leg shaving or dressing up for some occation seem innocent?

Assuming you are successful, will your wife eventually view your various "innocent" acts as deceptions? Sometimes honesty is a better policy.

It is exceedingly unlikely that seeing you dressed one time for halloween will make her want to see you dressed more. She has to be aware of your hidden side before she can develop any understanding of it.

[Chickhe]

I did it like that and what I did was make her think it was her idea....for example, you both see a show on TV, something with drag in it and you say 'man, that would be a great halloween costume...but I could never pull it off like one of those guys...' she will probably respond with some comments about a little makeup and shaving... when it is time to do the costumes, you say...'are you still going to dress me in drag because I'll have to go shopping...' and there you go... and you suggest it is a couple's costume with either her and you dressed the same character or as opposite genders.

The thing is, if you do it this way, it is hard to break the I like CDing secret because it remains the fun zone ... guy dressing in drag is just fun for a party so you may never feel like you are being totally true. I dress up on halloweens as often as I can... basically, I just do it and leave it at that... no heavy lifting. I keep it fun for her, I started out being obviously a guy in drag to later being passable and my wife thinks it is a blast...especially when we get chatted up or when I was forced to use the womens restroom and I was able to dance on the womens only stage while guys were being kicked off by the bouncer.

I privately dealt with self esteem, shame, compulsiveness, etc through private experimenting with CDing and I now know I don't seek any major life changes, I just like the challenge of dressing up. So in the end, I'm glad I didn't make too much of it with her early on, now its just a matter of doing something a little unusual for fun and not broadcasting it too wide.

[NicoleScott]

There's a lot of difference in dressing up for Halloween and a crossdressing lifestyle.
My way of coming out to my wife was finding the right opportunity: there was a show on TV that started a conversation between us. I measured her response as I started opening up, ready to shut it down if it started going south. But it didn't, and I came out FULLY to her (how, why, when, how long, where it's going etc.). She was totally accepting and supportive, especially once the BIG TWO questions were answered: are you gay? (no) Do you want to be a woman? (no). That's how it worked for me. Everyone's opportunities and methods will be different.
If/when she becomes aware of your desire to crossdress, it's important to continue to be the manly man she knows.

[NV Susan]

I suggested to my wife a few years ago I dress up as a girl for Halloween. She suggested maybe I should go find a boyfriend.

I'll go to the Halloween party as Doc Holliday, again this year.... :straightface:

[linda allen]

I suggested to my wife a few years ago I dress up as a girl for Halloween. She suggested maybe I should go find a boyfriend.

A wife is going to react in a certain way. The problem is, you don't know what way untill the subject comes up. The halloween thing might work, but first you have to have a party to go to and then it has to be the right kind of party. My wife and I don't usually go to halloween parties, but our group had one a couple years ago. It was a "pirate" party, so no real chance to go as a "girl". I suppose I could have been a "wench", but it didn't work out that way.

Also, if you get the chance to dress at a party you have to make it look like it's your first time. Do too good a job and people (and your wife) will suspect. Think my wife would be suspicious if I already knew how to make cleavage with tape? Pads with foam rubber?

[linda allen]

Ok am closested CD, married - happily- except for that little part about my wife of 10 years not knowing about my shear joy of dressing and everything fem! problem is she sees me as this tough, dependable, definately not fem man - which is most definately part of me too, but I've always fantasized about having her suggest I shave my legs or go to a halloween party dresssed and seeing where that might take us. Problem is I think if I ever suggested it it would be so out of character, am not sure she could handle it. Plus if she saw how turned on I got she might be turned off by the shift in how she sees me. anyone relate? any ideas (short of telling her about my dressing) on how you may have been able to make something like leg shaving or dressing up for some occation seem innocent?

Ideas? Well (and I've posted about it here), I was giving my wife a hard time about her "Moo-Moo" (sack dress). She said it was comfortable so I told her if she was going to wear it I wanted one too. She got one out of her drawer and handed it to me so I put it on. I wore it for a few days and then complained that it was too short. The next day she bought me two of my very own. So now I'm wearing a dress in front of her. No boobs though. She said something about panties so I'm going to work on that next time it comes up. Baby steps.

[joanna marie]

My wifes idea of me shifted when she found out. Personally I'd rather she still thought of me as a tough dependable husband than a pervert! Sigh.

I can relate to that

[karren G]

My wife aceptance has come on leaps and bounds now letting me dress when i want to and how i want to after a couple of years taking it at her pace of aceptance(buying me new forms and a lovely new dress for my birthday last week), i think she now see me as the sister she never had - as she is a only child .now giving me some of her things she no longer wares.Not as a chest beating cave man type we are to close and honest with each other for that and she was told from day one when i wanted to crossdress ,and to my suprise all has worked out well as twice a month a get a girly gift or two of her .A very tolarant & acepting person i think after reading some of your storys of wow on this site, i am very lucky to have such a careing acepting wife.The way things are working out i am nearly dressing 24/7 now days.

[Joanna41]

While I can't really relate to hiding my CDing from my fiance because she has always known about it and she actually loves it because she gets to experiment with eye make-up on me! Maybe yall can throw your own Halloween party and you ask your wife if she would be a doctor and you can be a nurse! Gotta be smooth legged for those sexy hose and short white skirt! Good luck!

Joanna

[Kate T]

I would agree with most that the best way is to tell her about your feelings honestly, otherwise she will eventually see these little suggestions as deceptions.

BUT you need to make sure YOU know what it is all about. Oh, and be ready for all the usual questions (see other threads but the standard three, do you want to be a woman?, are you gay? and do you still love me?) and be ready to answer them TRUTHFULLY.

It took me 15 years to be able to comfortable enough to tell my wife so I'm certainly no expert or saint!

[kimdl93]

Since you haven't come out to your wife, it seems to me that you might want to start working on changing your image. If that tough, macho guy isn't you're entiritey, that maybe you could find ways to begin showing her the other side. I'm not talking about shaving your legs...or under dressing. Maybe you could start by listening and learning her attitudes towards transgender people, and if the subject comes up, being perhaps surprisingly open mided about the subject. And if you're like every other male I know, myself included, you've probably pretended that you hated shopping - and avoided letting your eyes wander in the lingerie section. Start showing more interest in spending these times with your wife, if you haven't already. Its a great opportunity to learn and enjoy all things feminine.

You don't immediately have to announce that you cross dress - but if the question came up, you might even acknowledge that its something you're curious about. And you might want to start reading up on how to tell your partner. If you've covered this successfully for 10 years, sooner or later she'll find out on her own. Develop a strategy, lay the ground work and tell her before she discovers for herself.

[5150 Girl]

Somtimes the cornerstone of comody is when somone does somthing out of chericter for them.... Just say "Hey, wouldn't it be funny if......"

[Kaz]

I like Kim's suggestion... slowly slowly catch your monkey... but it may take years... but that is the game we are in. It is about changing perceptions. If she was attracted to an ape...an ape is what she expects...

[Kittyagain]

I suggest tiny steps as well. Tell her how soft and nice her clothes look and how unlucky you are to be stuck in cotton. Tiny steps lets you backup if needed then look for a new path. Remember your goal is not to tell your wife but to discuss it with her so you can share the fun with her. It worked for me.

A good tip is never make a decision when dressed. The pink does fog the mind.

A bet you have a wonderful wife. Don't forget that.

Kitty

[ReineD]

Ok am closested CD, married - happily- except for that little part about my wife of 10 years not knowing about my shear joy of dressing and everything fem! problem is she sees me as this tough, dependable, definately not fem man - which is most definately part of me too,

This is just an idea, but you could start being not so "tough"? If you enjoy watching chick flicks or baking, for example, give yourself permission to do this. Let your wife see how sensitive you are. Talk to her about your feelings on a variety of topics. Ask her about hers. Become interested in her reactions to things and why she reacts a certain way, and start talking about why you feel the way you do ... about everything! If you feel sad about something, allow yourself to cry. If you enjoy brushing her hair, or giving her a foot massage, offer to do so. Become nurturing, without it necessarily getting to the sexual level.

I promise you if you do these things, your wife will be blown away with your sensitivity and it will bring you both closer together. Then you can begin sharing deeper emotions, deeper secrets, deeper needs.

... but, try not to do this in just a week. lol. It will take time for you to learn to feel comfortable letting your softer self shine through. You don't want to force it, as part of an overall agenda to be "allowed" to dress.

Be the onion whose layers are slowly being peeled away.


Edit Oops, I just read the other posts. :p ... yeah, what Kim said!

[Gwinnie]

I thought of this just this morning. I love ball gowns. They are so sexy to me. All the fabric swishing and rustling just drives me nuts. So my wife and I were talking about sometime in the future trying for a baby. I playfully suggested that we will have to get a different ball gown for every night of the week. I thought of suggesting that if she wanted to try something different, then I could wear one. I didn't say that. I have tried to wear one in front of her before and it weirded her out too much. But sometimes when she's painting her toenails I'll stick my foot up there and she will ask if I want mine painted too. I chicken out every time. I wish I could tell her. But I'm sure it would go the pervert day. I also have that "guy image". But, she knows that I'm caring and sensative. She also knows that I look at dresses at work and when we go shopping. She just doesn't know that I would also love to wear what I'm looking at.

[DebbieL]

I suspect you may have a serious problem. If you've spent 10 years trying to be "Mr Macho", and trying to prove your manhood, and that is what she loves, admires, and wants from you, then she will probably NOT be happy about seeing your femme side. How does she speak of effeminate men? Does she know any gay men? Is she a religious person? Is she a stay-at-home mom? Is she content with her feminine role? If she refers to gay men as "faggots and perverts", and she's a right wing fundamentalist Christian who believes in the strictest interpretations of Leviticus and Deuteronomy, then you're screwed.

If YOU refer to gay men as "faggots and perverts", and you insist that she be feminine all the time, and YOU'RE the right wing fundamentalist, then you're doubly screwed.

You have a few glimmers of hope. If she gets aggrivated when you do the macho thing, or if she loves it when your rub her feet, or do soft gentle things, or scratch around her bra line, then she might be more receptive. You might consider suggesting a female character for Halloween, such as a witch. If she counters with something like "How about a hooker", you know you have a chance to show off. If she wants you in the long robe, ugly face, and completely covered, then you know she probably won't be receptive.

Your big problem, at the moment, is that you need to be able to open the lines of communication in a way that lets her express enthusiasm, or disgust, for a suggestion that can easily be "put away". If you put it out there, and she starts acting disgusted, you can try and make it look like you were just kidding.

If you have children, and she kills your femme self in the crib, it's a bit like dying. It's painful as hell. You will need to decide whether or not you want to continue to live full time as "Mr Macho" or "Real Man", or suggest counciling with a professional, first for yourself, then as a couple. She may want a divorce and might even threaten to black-mail you into giving her everything, or she might realize how important this is to you, and find some way to make it work for you, either with you, or letting you have 1 night a month for "Girls Night Out".

If you really want, you can keep living the lie, and try to hide it from her. She might think you're having an affair, or suspect even worse. Women are very smart, and rarely have "no clue" that something is going on. The problem is that they don't know what's really going on, and often fear the worst.

Could you stop dressing and forsake all things femme? If not, you probably need to get into communication somehow or it will ultimataely cost you anyway.

[BLUE ORCHID]

You know that it's a darn shame that there's not a rule book for crossdressers wifes.
It sure would make things a lot easier for us.

Orchid

[ReineD]

You know that it's a darn shame that there's not a rule book for crossdressers wifes.
It sure would make things a lot easier for us.

LOL. It would be nice if there were a rule book for CDs too! :hugs:

[TGMarla]

You have trouble coming, my new friend. No matter how careful you are, no matter what lengths you take to keep it hidden, sooner or later you are going to slip up, and your cat will be out of the bag. I was very careful, even meticulous about putting everything away. But my wife discovered this side of me, and she was not at all happy at finding it out. It took a lot of time and careful consideration for her to come to an understanding of why I kept this from her. She has no interest at all in sharing this part of my life with me. She's 100% heterosexual, and does not want to be married or make love to a woman.

While you still have the ability to do so, you can take control of this situation. You can still be her big strong man, yet still divulge to her that you have a weakness for feminine things. Really, it's not such a stretch to figure out why any man who is stimulated by a well dressed woman, who wants to surround himself with his wife's feminine image, might not sooner or later decide to actually wear some of these things, and become hooked on it.

I suggest you look into MarlaGG's very good post on how to tell your wife (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner). Once she finds out on her own, you lose the ability to effectively control the damage. Profess your love for her, and your commitment to her. Then let her know your secret. And let her know that you're doing so out of love for her. I've been where you are. I know the road you're on.

[PretzelGirl]

LOL. It would be nice if there were a rule book for CDs too! :hugs:

You just know most would break every one of those rules. :sigh:

[ReineD]

It's funny. My wife is very supportive of gay people. Loves rocky horror. Loves to wear tshirts and jeans. But then I try to put on a dress or skirt and it just goes wrong. Weird.

This would be the first rule in the rule book. Don't show up in a dress, unannounced. You need a lot of prep work before you can do this. :)

Also, there's a big difference between accepting this at a conceptual level for others, and knowing that your own SO has gender issues. Again, I can't emphasize the prep work enough.

[t-girlxsophie]

You just know most would break every one of those rules. :sigh:

BANG! There it goes,The all Crossdressers are devious,intent on destroying everything post.I despair give us some credit please:Angry3:

Sophie

[PretzelGirl]

Wasn't shooting for the angry face Sophie, just being facetious. But since we are there, let's look at the reality of things. First off, a lot of us do break the rules (whatever they may be). But if we look at it from the (albeit jokingly) proposed perspective of having a rule book, you could just about guarantee a lot of rule breakers. Why? One is because there are some that don't care and secondly because you just can't set rules to this thing we do. Everyone's situation is different. You can't have one "rule" that can be applied broadly across everyone. So it isn't about being devious and world-wreckers for most (for some, yes), but is a fact brought on by the diversity of our perspectives and varying lives.