a few thoughts i am going to tell my SO about going out with me in public.

[cassandra54]

I was so anxious to go out in public as Cassandra, I did so twice this weekend, all by myself. My SO is out of town and I was planning to have Cassandra pick her up when she returns to town, but she is not to thrilled about it and I will respect her wishes.
But the fact of the matter is that I look forward to the two of us being girlfriends (platonic) and have some great times and adventures. I know this can be a very exciting time in our lives together. So I've thought of a few good things that may help ease her apprehension. If any of these thoughts help any of you, that would be awesome. If you have anymore, let me know. Thanks.

1. We've been together for almost ten years. In ALL the places and trips we've been too, vacations, shopping, dog parks, movies, you name it only ONCE that I can recall that me say anyone we knew, which was our pharmacist. Even then, she did not notice us until we waked up to her.
2. Even if someone did recognize us, even if she couldn't pass me off as her friend, even if they knew it was me, what the chances of this person actually using this information to defame us, or tell anyone else. We don't have a lot of friend and we live in a HUGE city, so anonymity is not really an issue. Think about it, if it took ten years for the best intelligence community in the world to catch Ossama Bin Laden, what are the chances some is going to notice us? Which brings me to point 3.
3 People in general are not very observant. The are all wrapped up in their agendas and don't really pay much attention to a lot of things. They would probably have to look and look and think about it, and maybe, maybe arrive at the conclusion that I was indeed a man dresses as a woman.
4. Ever hear the expression "drive it like you stole it?". Same thing applies her. Own who you are and act like you being out in public wherever you are is perfectly normal. I went to a really busy Wal Mart the other night. Maybe someone noticed me, maybe not. I just went about my business like I usually do. I even caught myself whistling at one point.
Well that's all for now.

[Cynthia Anne]

Hi cassandra! I love your spirit and as long as you respect your wifes wishes, she will love you! Talk to her! Listen to her! Keep a good thing going by not forceing something on her that she would rather not deal with! TALK! Do not push! Hugs!

[cassandra54]

oh you know it cynthia, it would spoil everything if i was pushy.

[michelle.foster]

Cassandra, Mine has the same concerns. I agree with you on all points, and don't understand. But there is always the "it's easier to ask forgiveness than to ask for permission" How upset will she be if Cassandra show up anyway? I think that we are at a point where Elsie could show up and a "see I got here without anyone seeing me" Only you know how far you can push the envelope. Good luck.

[Karren H]

oh you know it cynthia, it would spoil everything if i was pushy.

Spoil exactly wasn't the word that came to mind.... More like destroy.... As in game over.

[DebbieL]

My wife had similar concerns, but when I agreed to a few conditions, she not only went out with me, but we had a great time.
She got to help pick my outfit. The skirt had to be longer, about 3 inches above the knee, rather than Mid-thigh where I usually wear them. I have great legs, but they attract so much attention from oggling men that they want to spend more checking me out - which means a better chance of getting clocked.
The blouse had to be loose and I had to wear a camisole under the blouse. Again, fake cleavage is fun, especially now that I'm almost a 38B, but again, it attracts a lot of attention and a better chance of getting clocked.
Of course, I had to have my make-up properly done, and lower heels.

We went to the event where I was speaking, then we went out to dinner. Nobody even noticed us. Just as we were leaving, a guy was checking out my legs, and checked me out and gave that "OMG" look. I gave him a polite smile to say "thank you", and he held the door open for me and said "goodnight ladies".

In a way, it was a bit of a bummer not to get noticed :-D. But she was right and we had no trouble fitting in.

[linda allen]

If my wife knew, and if she approved, and if she agreed to go out in public with me, we would go to another city, and hour or two drive from home (at least), get a hotel or motel room, and do the town there.

And of course, at my age, I would wear age appropriate clothing and makeup. Try to look like someone my age, but female.

That's my dream and I'm sticking to it. :heehee:

[Jenny Doolittle]

hey Cassandra,

Don't forget about how much it would mean to you to be able to be with her as Cassandra. It is a matter of showing her you trust her implicitely to be your best friend as Cassandra.

[Jackiefl]

IF-definition:biggest word in dictionary lots of luck

[Tina B.]

My wife has accepted my dressing for 35 years, but the mere thought of going out that front door with me, is enough to make her a nervous wreck. It's your fantasy not hers, she just may not find it as much fun as you would. I think I would try planning an outing, and then invite her to join you, and sound as if you mean it, then see where she stands on the subject, but I wouldn't make plans for a joint outing to soon, where Can you be anymore anonymous than at the airport, if you are not flying. Good luck with it.
Tina B.

[Barbra P]

Hi Cassandra

I don’t want to be the one to rain on your parade but I think there are 7 key words in your OP, “she is not to thrilled about it” and I think your decision to respect her wishes is the best decision. It is wonderful that you have such an understanding and supportive SO and you don’t want to jeopardize that relationship; relationships can be a very fragile thing – breathtaking one moment and destroyed the next.

I can fully understand your wanting to be girlfriends and have great times and adventures, but are you absolutely sure that is what she also wants? I would advise you to go slow with this one and let your SO lead. Let her know that you want to go out in public and that you want her to go with you, but let her pick the time and place. The first few times may not be exactly what you had in mind, but you’ll still have a great time. Hopefully as your SO gets more comfortable being out and seen with Cassandra your outings together will get even better, but there is always the chance that she won’t feel thrilled or even comfortable being out with Cassandra.

My own Wife, of 40 years, allows me, tolerates may be a better word, to dress around the house but she is very uncomfortable with me going out. I walked the dog around the block a few times and went with the three women across the street when they walked their dog one evening. I really enjoyed walking around the neighborhood as just one of the girls, but my Wife told me later that she wasn’t comfortable with me out in the neighborhood and it embarrassed her. I would love to go shopping and maybe stop for a bite to eat but I don’t see that happening, at least not in the foreseeable future.

After reading your four points I must caution that your SO is not the general public, I’m assuming you have a meaningful relationship something you do not have with the general public.

[*Vanessa*]

Hey Cassandra

My Ex really pushed my to go out, time and time again. We would head out, but I just had such a hard time it became unbearable. Heart pounding so hard I couldn't hear anything. lol That was over the first 7 years we were together. She finally gave up, but we did manage to get out a few times over the next 20 years.

Some men have the biggest gonads to function in public as a women. I wish I was one.
v.

[Sara Jessica]

I have to rain a bit as well.

Just because you think it'll be such great times and adventures doesn't mean your wife will have even remotely close to the same amount of enthusiasm. As such, your four points simply come across as rationalizations.

BTW, if you do embark as boldly as you suggest, I recommend learning the words to "it's a small world after all".

[ReineD]

Here's the thing about going out, Cassandra (provided you dress to blend and not stand out):

Most people passing you by on the street will not notice. They are busy and you are at the periphery of their vision. If you sit at a cafe or a restaurant or are in line to buy movie tickets where an idle onlooker will get a chance to observe you for more than a few seconds, chances are they will notice something different about you, and if they stare longer, you will be read. Some of these people will just make a mental note and then go back to whatever they were doing. Others will stare, trying to figure you out, but with no judgment. A few people will judge. They may smirk or nudge their friends. Almost NO ONE will say anything.

If you actively interact with someone, they will know. All service personnel (SAs, restaurant people, etc) will treat you just like any other customer. If you get to know someone and have a conversation, their brain will classify you into a new category for them, which is a nice male who likes to present as a female. They will start focusing more on you as a human being than on what you are wearing or how you present.

Generally speaking.

If you should run into someone that you know, there is a 50/50 chance they will gossip about you and start the rumor mill, depending on where they fit in your life and of course their own judgment levels.


Edit - I forgot to mention your wife. She needs to go at her own pace with this. Don't forget that she doesn't get the same benefit as you do from going out. You both feel a degree of stress or angst over possibly being rejected or recognized by someone. But, she doesn't experience the same sense of well-being as you do to counter balance this. She needs to take just as much time getting over her fears, as you did. How long did it take before you were ready to go out? :)

[kimdl93]

Like several of the earlier respondents, I'm entirely out at home and even to a couple of neighbors, and I've enjoyed quite a few outings to the mall, grocery and a few bars. At least to this point, my otherwise supportive and understanding wife is not yet ready to venture out with me. I really don't feel that its helpful to offer logical arguments to why she should happily join me. I've come a long, long way from where we started, and I'm happy to let it be until such time as she is comfortable, should that day ever come. I may invite her, but never try to coerce her participation.

[cassandra54]

thank you all so much or the great advice so far. my SO has been supportive and in some ways really enabled me to to achieve a number of things in life, one of which is my cross dressing. i sincerely hope that she is okay with it as she appears to be and not just putting up with it with the hopes of making happy. the reason for this is because like many of you on this site, i have discovered that i am probably transgender and because of that i wish to spend more time as Cassandra, which would mean going out in public. i do realize that whether or not she joins me is entirely up to hear and no amount of cajoling will get her to change her mind. i can only state my reasons and accept it.

with that being said, there is another point which i did not mention in my thread. my SO has remarked a few times that we could not go somewhere because i was dressed. it got me to thinking that perhaps we could got out while i was dressed. we have had some discussions about going to the drive through and i offered to do more research to places in our area which were more receptive to cross dressers. i guess i opened pandora's box with this one. my research led me to this site and gave me new found courage, support and understanding about a lot of things. as the old song goes, "only time will tell",

[ReineD]

like many of you on this site, i have discovered that i am probably transgender and because of that i wish to spend more time as Cassandra, which would mean going out in public.

You're new so I thought I might explain for the sake of clarity, that you were transgender before you decided to start going out. Transgender is an umbrella term that covers everyone who crosses gender boundaries in any form, even CDs who wish to present as women in the privacy of their homes.

It can be argued that either end of the gender spectrum might fall outside the TG umbrella: The post-op TSs who are in fact women and not TG, and at the other end, the men who use articles of women's clothing strictly for sexual fetish, which is no different than using any other object fetish for sexual gratification.

Anyway, a CD's decision to go out is a natural development: from the single-faceted wish to dress alone in a bedroom, to the multi-faceted desire to experience a multitude of experiences, that is, providing the CD's life circumstances permit this (such as being out to the wife, living in an area that makes doing this easy, having the time and resources, etc).

So ... if you find yourself identifying strongly with both a male and a female gender alternatively, you might be bi-gender. If you are your very own mix of the two all the time, then you might be dualgender. This is just something to think about. :)

Both bigenders and dualgenders fall within the TG umbrella as well.

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