Hit a proverbial " bump in the road"

[Diane Elizabeth]

I have been struggling of late over money issues. The cost to transition vs what is in the bankvs what I owe. I have also been struggling with electrolysis. Money and pain issues. Now my son has announced his engagement. I am quite happy for him. However, it has brought a flood of negative emotions about pursuing my transition. Thinking of attending his wedding and memories of raising him. And much more. Yhe point is for me- I have lost the pink fog feeling and can't get it back. It is making me depressed and wanting to purge myself. I am not out to anyone except the SO. I wanted this so bad now all I have is confusion in my head. Maybe more later.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Donna, in my experience, it is natural to get down about the whole cost of transition, struggling with electrolysis and/or some other treatment and so on.

Although your son's engagement is a happy event it will also be stressful for you with worries about how he will take your transition and how his fiancee will react.

I am a little concerned about your use of the term Pink Fog as I have normally seen that used to describe the state of mind of cross-dressers who get really caught up in the dressing sometimes to the detriment of other aspects of their life rather than describing the acute Gender Dysphoria that drives a transsexual to need to transition.

Could you perhaps talk this through with your SO and get her take on things?

Either way, please don't purge. If you are a CD who has been caught in the Pink Fog, the need to Cd will return. If you are transsexual and you have reached the point where you can't go on functioning as a man then getting rid of the trappings of your true self is more likely to lead to deep depression than to releive it.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Donna even after transitioning, I feel negative emotions and depression.. your job is going to be to separate your feelings around the idea that you are transsexual and everything else that goes with it, and everything else going on in life..

your son, money, pain and suffering are all real and meaningful things.. there is nothing wrong with slowing down for someone else, but in the end, if you are ts, you will need to deal with it...

a close friend of mine that helped me alot always said that i shouldn't transition until i absolutely had too..that way i'd save up the most money, and i'd have the most certainty around it...for me, by the time i met her, i was way past the point of no return..if you are not there yet, enjoy your vacation from all the stress and pain and see what happens..you may find quite quickly that its ok for now, or you may have an OMG moment and realize what you are doing is right for you...

[DebbieL]

There isn't a mandate that says you MUST transition in a specific period of time. If insurance companies and employers would cover 100% of all of the transition costs and guarantee that we could keep our jobs, there would be a LOT more cross-dressers who became Transexuals. For me, I had parents who didn't even want me to discuss it with tharapists, my grandfather was a right-wing fundamentalist Christian, and he had no tolerance for any kind of diversity. Sadly, 3 of his grandchildren killed themselves over sexuality and sexual identity issues, and I somehow survived several suicide attempts of my own when, as a young teen, I realized that I would not be able to turn myself into a girl. When my testicles dropped, I tried to castrate myself by tieing them up with rubber bands (the way they do with sheep). When I found out I had a bass voice, I turned to drugs and alcohol. When my first fiance left me after I told her about my desire to dress, I almost killed myself with drugs, even drinking a pint of brandy on antabuse.

When married, my wife told me, shortly after the wedding, that she didn't want me dressing anymore. I felt trapped. I buried myself in work, working 16-18 hours a day. Taking an hour or two to post to soc.women and soc.motss where I could discuss my gender identity issues.

When I got divorced, I found a good support network for Debbie, got counciling, and was living all but work hours as Debbie. My employer was aware of my gender issues, and would have supported me. Then I deceided to go to New York and got into a leadership program where I had to "burn the dress" - dumbest thing I ever did.

When divorced, I had to pay child support. It was a challenge to keep my car running and rent a ROOM with what was left. When the child support ended, I got married, and my Wife was accepting, but at nearly 300 lbs, I didn't want to look at myself in the mirror, let alone be seen in public.

When I finally decided to "Let Debbie out" - I started losing weight - 90 lbs thus far. I stated eating better, exercising, and as I went from size 26 to size 16, I've reached the point where I do enjoy going out again.

If I won the lottery, or got a $1 million bonus, I'd be starting the SRS process ASAP. But that much cash would probably be a bad thing, since I'd be tempted to get back into the drugs again. 31 years clean, I'm not stupid enough to know that I couldn't get sucked back in, especially if a bunch of drug addicts knew I had a lot of money.

Circumstances do come up. You're to old to turn tricks to pay for the procedures, and you have many good things in your life now. What do you really want for your life today? Since you haven't even started to go out in public, you're not an SRS candidate yet. Maybe his would be a good time to explore your feminine side, and be the father of the groom at the ceremony. Can your SO support your transition? Perhaps she can go shopping with you, dining, and other things. Even if it's only for a few hours, making the transition for short times and going out in public can begin to give you a sense of how real it might be to make the transition.

Even taking baby steps toward your goal can give you a sense of satisfaction and vitality.

[Wendy_Marie]

I have been struggling of late over money issues. The cost to transition vs what is in the bankvs what I owe. I have also been struggling with electrolysis. Money and pain issues. Now my son has announced his engagement. I am quite happy for him. However, it has brought a flood of negative emotions about pursuing my transition. Thinking of attending his wedding and memories of raising him. And much more. Yhe point is for me- I have lost the pink fog feeling and can't get it back. It is making me depressed and wanting to purge myself. I am not out to anyone except the SO. I wanted this so bad now all I have is confusion in my head. Maybe more later.

Donna,
First off Hun...don't place so much pressure on yourself for setting a timeline...its a marathon and not a sprint..but in reality we only race against ourselves. it's alright to want to take time to be with your son for this experience, whether you do it a female or male state of mind is only up to you.

As for the money issue, I know where you are coming from..I stated recently that my Happiness as a TG always seems to be just another Thousand dollars away...concentrate on taking baby steps and look at any little step as an accomplishment...I don't care if it's just the repetitivness of shaving your legs twice a week, or keeping your piggies polished..whatever you do to express yourself is a step forward.

As for the Pink Fog...I think we refer to it as fog because it is a dynamic media...Fog rolls in and out and is blown around easily by the wind, burned off by the sun and created by masses of hot and cold air....so it comes and goes oftentimes at the most inopertune moments.

If you feel doubt and the desire to purge...well my advice is don't throw your stuff away too quickly...box it, throw it in the attic or garage..put it out of your mind for awhile and if the feeling is gone to dress again by the time spring cleaning rolls around..then toss it.

Otherwise, when the fog rolls back in..you will be very happy that you don't have to start from scratch again.

good Luck and Congrats to your Son and his soon to be Bride.

[Diane Elizabeth]

Well I spent the last 15 min typing a response to this thread and when I went to post it something happened. It said I wasn't authorized. I checked to see if I was logged in and I was. Tried again and still wouldn't let me post. I am not going to reswrite what I had as it was too hard. I was filling in some gaps I had left in my original thread.

I do want to say thank you for your responses.

[Andrea85]

It may be because I'm young, but I don't see where all the issues are with money and transition. I've been unemployed for 4 years now. Not a single job or unemployment in that time. But for 3 and a half years of it, I've spent over 10k for my transition. Never had help with money either. Not until recently, before I got a script for my hormones. My parents helped with 1 month of my hormones. Now that I have a script, my hormones are only $3 a piece for a months worth. Same goes for clothes. I have a closet that most GG's would envy. All high end clothing. I probably don't have a shirt or pair of jeans that cost less than $50 a piece. And on top of that expense, a $120 a month cell phone bill, gas, ciggs (pack and a half a day), and a 6 pack of bottled water a day. I can't even imagine how far along I'd be if I had a job like the majority of you. Even without a job, I'll have my surgery in the next 5 years, barring any medical issues. And no, I do nothing illegal for my money. I may have used to be willing to do "things" I shouldn't, but no more. But I already paid my debt to get this lucky. (Well, I don't believe in luck. It's only for unskilled people.) 21 years of suicide attempts (several that nearly worked), 21 years of slicing myself up, and 21 years of drug and alcohol abuse.

[Melody Moore]

Well I spent the last 15 min typing a response to this thread and when I went to post it something happened. It said I wasn't authorized. I checked to see if I was logged in and I was. Tried again and still wouldn't let me post. I am not going to reswrite what I had as it was too hard. I was filling in some gaps I had left in my original thread.
The same thing has happened to me a couple of times today,
so after reading your reply I have just posted this thread here:
URGENT: Why am I constantly being logged out & forced to log back in? (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?159605-URGENT-Why-am-I-constantly-being-logged-out-amp-forced-to-log-back-in)

[Jessinthesprings]

For me I get down... I fear what I am doing to my family. My son growing up without a father. I question if how I feel is real. When you step out of it it seems so silly to transition when there is so much to lose. Just getting and keeping even a minimum wage job can be a challange. It is normal I think.

[Hope]

you know you don't have to commit to any long term plan right?

The destination looks a bit different for each of us, and we all get there by a different path. If something doesn't feel right - you don't have to do it.

Just do what you are comfortable with and when you feel like you want to do more - do more. Treat this like an experiment. If you do something that isn't right, you can always go back to how you did it before. VERY few parts of this are permanent - and you will know if you are ready for those long before you are asked to commit to them.

If money is the only issue - there is a LOT that you can do on the cheep.