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DebbieL

09-08-2011, 02:42 AM

Every time I've thrown everything away, I've regretted it. When I was 6, my mom caught me dressed up in her girdle and stockings and a bra. She used a hanger to break into the bathroom, and I couldn't get undressed before she did it. I was afraid she would beat me or something. My dad freaked out, but just thought there was something medically wrong, not like I was evil. I told my mom that I wanted to be a girl, and liked wearing girl's clothes. She told me she understood that it felt good, and that she would get me a pair of tights which I could wear under my pants on week-ends. My dad suggested some blue tights and a blue T-shirt and then gave me a red "cape" so I could dress like Superman. He had been a sissy himself and wanted to spare me the abuse he went through as a kid.

When the tights were finally so shredded and runned that I couldn't keep them on, I finally had to throw them out, but it was like dying. My mom refused to get me any more, because they were expensive (I think dad didn't want me to continue). I started doing laundry and would rescue stockings and panty-hose that had run, and put them under the mattress. Mom also had a teddy in the very bottom of her underwear drawer that I eventually "acquired" and just didn't return back. Mom discovered it when she was making my bed. It turned out that she hated the thing, and told me I could keep them, but not to take anything else.

When I went to college, I ended up with a private room, and got the courage to buy my own underwear and started under-dressing. I was also in dance class and started wearing leotards and tights EXACTLY the same way the girls did. When I went back home, I had to dump all the underwear. My classmates tried to let me know they would support me, but instead I freaked out and went deeper under cover.

When I moved in with my first wife, before we were married, I threw away about $500 worth of wardrobe. I coudn't leave it at my dads, and I didn't want her to freak out. About 6 weeks later, I had to fess up, and was kicking myself when she acted like she was OK with it.

When I went into that leadership program, I had to put everything in storage, and by the end of the program, I'd gained over 50 lbs and nothing fit, so I had to throw it all out. At this point, almost $1000 worth of wardrobe. It was like dying. My weight just kept juming up.

Ironically, it's normal for women to throw away clothes every season, especially those that don't make "the cut". They might hang onto old favorites until they come back, but mostly each year they clear out old styles to make room for new items, and then they go shopping.

Men on the other hand, keep clothes MUCH longer. I had Quiana shirts from high school and college during the Saturday Night Fever days, until about 2006 when my new wife decided that it was time to get rid of those shirts. On the other hand, I could keep Debbie's ageless satin blouses and other "Classic" styles.

I have the hardest time throwing out shoes. They are so easy to buy and there are so many styles, and even if you gain or lose weight, the shoe size doesn't change much. However, since Lee and I wear the same shoe size, my biggest problem these days is that my shoes keep ending up in her closet.

Often, when you're transgendered, in the early stages, you keep thinking you'll "outgrow" it, or when you get the "real thing" (sex, woman...) you won't want to dress anymore. For some who are just fetish dressers, that may be the case, but most transgered people tend to become more aware of the conflict and the need to dress becomes stronger, not weaker.

For many of us, we have people we love who we don't want to hurt. For me, my mother and my grandmother knew and were fine with it. But they were terrified at what my grandfather might do, and my father was uncomfortable with it because he was effeminate himself and had decided to forsake all dressing, later in life, he was even a nudist.

As those people died, I found myself more free to dress. I also became less and less concerned about keeping it a secret. Once my grandfather died, I pretty much let it be public knowledge. I didn't want to become a national figure as Rex, because that would make being out as Debbie newsworthy.

Rather than just throwing out everything, do what women do. Put everything in your femme closet on the bed, then start picking out the things you really really love, and put them back in. When about half of it is in the closet, you will probably be OK with giving the rest to charity. If you want to make it 2/3rds the first time, do that. But then go shopping for Paula and get her something you totally love to replace what you've given up. Gradually, you'll fill your closet with more things you love, and some of the stuff you kept last time, won't make the next cut.