A Lifetime of doubt and pain

[*Vanessa*]

I thought I came to crossdressers to relieve some mental pain and try figure out what I wanted to do with my life as I try move forward. What was happening was a huge swell of self indulgence and pity that needs to be hashed threw. Done it in the past so I know the path.

I'm a merging Pro photographer living in Western Canada. I was a Visual Artist who had a life changing event take place that was sudden and unexpected while I lived on the south shore of Atlantic Canada.

To prep coming back here I had to purge my self of *Vanessa*. I spent two days burning my/her cloths while saying prayers for her (oh I cried lots). It was a tough time. I ask an old girl friend who I had a D/s relationship to help me. She did and has with arms wide open. I am still with her and we are trying to build a life together. This is proving even tougher to do. We are both in our later 50s. She is a retire Vet how has seen active duty a couple of times and has 3 kids in their 20s (they all live on their own). While she was busy doing her army thing I was an hippie. Simply put, I was a nasty piece of work growing up. So you can see how *Van* would not fit in here.

A side note: I think if I had opportunity for better professional help when I was in my 20s I would now be Vanessa (a transsexual).

So here I am. I've had corrective surgery that restored the sight in my eye ('09). Completed a 1000km bicycle tour through the Columbia Icefield Parkway, started a new photography venture, tried to help Slave Lake after the wildfires working as a painter and easily as hard as the ones in their 30s, lost 25 lb of fat around the middle, looked in a mirror and got so frick'n excited! Here I am again *Vanessa* is coming out and damn she's looking good. OK, I digress.. I thought I was on my way, but something happened and I had to quit and return home. Tucking *Van* back as I traveled down the highway back to home.

Shesh what a story! I'm a Photographer/Visual Artist not a writer.. lol

I cook and clean for my SO and love it. Lots have called me a chef (me... not so much just a person who likes to cook).

Here is the thing that is burning so bright.

Prior to my last Ex-wife (who is bi-polar) leaving our marriage of 27yrs I was sure we where heading down a D/s thing. I will spare the details. Now, I am thinking the same thing is happening with my SO. While reading this (over and over) to myself I can see it is all in my head. Sh*t what to do?? Maybe it's just boy-brain trying to humiliate girl-brain again.

Anyway...

I do know that if I had a good paying job I would probably move out on my own. I know it would absolutely break my SO's heart. So selfish!

Today I am sure I would 'love' to wear a bubble-gum pink French Maid's uniform. But the ramification are just far beyond anything I am prepared to endure.

I build the perfect life, for me, and a set of cloths that matched. I had no boys underwear at all (for years). A couple of boy shirts (country girl look) two pair of blue jeans one with blown out knees and bum ;). Dozens of panties and pretty under things, skirts, dresses, and blouses, titties and wig. Had painted toes all the time and fingers some of the time. I sold my paintings, taught evening classes to a group of adults that didn't mind the fem coming out every ones in awhile. You see I don't necessarily want to be a great crossdresser, that could take a stroll outside for all to see without heads snapping off. I just want to be me!

Now - I have a pro camera and a good selection of lens, did commercial and private shoots, a roof over my head, a full belly, someone who loves me (yet we haven't had adult relations in over a year), a new found community of beautiful crossdressers and Transgender all willing to help at the drop of a hat (YOU).

What is the point of all this you ask? While writing this, about three times now, I was able to put some of this away or aside depending on my needs. To help process who I am today and move on. I am here to help others. I one time was asked by my Ex-wife's therapists, how I know 'that'. I told him "I didn't study it, I've just been around the block a few times".

Thanks to all how have read this - the universe is a much calmer place because of you being here and being who you are.
Love
*Vanessa*

[Stephenie S]

You know, hon, It just might NOT be all about the clothes.

S

[*Vanessa*]

You know, hon, It just might NOT be all about the clothes.

S
Agreed - they are a metaphor for who I am. Thought it would be understood, here. #justsaying

[Gillian Gigs]

One of the biggest things that I had to do was come to terms with who I was, and accept it. I realized that I was not loving others, because I was not loving myself, and something had to change. To accept one's self and move on is not a five minute fix. For me it is finding the balance necessary to like and love who I am, yet still enjoy that part of me that didn't seem to fit into regular society. I am there yet, no, but life is a journey, and I am farther along the path of acceptance now than I was before. You did not mention whether your SO is aware of Vanessa, and that is important if you want this relationship to last or go anywhere. You comment about being in your late 50's, in your youth they did not know about being TG the way they do now. There are probably many of us, that if we knew what we know now about ourselves at 20, we would have done things differently. We can not cry over spilled milk as the expression goes, that is part of the self acceptance that needs to happen.

[*Vanessa*]

Hey Gillian - thanks for your kind words.

There is so much that I have left out of this post mainly to reduce the amount of fodder. We all have a life of crap that we have to deal with. I just didn't want to include all of it here and bore everyone to tears.
I know I am bad for not including enough background so the reader has the best perspective to reply, regardless of the environment I write. The perspective I am writing this is literally from a point of loosing everything I've worked for my entire life (boy mode or not). And ending up with no mean to support yourself now over the past 2 years or into the immediate future. Prior to '08, for the most part, I was self employed with the ability to pay down 50 Gs instantly from my back pocket on anything I wanted. Clawing back from that point forward does take a little doing. I am well on my way at lest emotionally.

I helped and loved my Ex-wife. I hate and probably always hate what the disease she has. I have a little anger sure, who wouldn't? There was no need to hurt as she did, none at all. Sorry, I'll try get past this point so I can continue the reply.

Does my SO know Vanessa?
A short background: She moved across the country to be closer to me 10 years ago. We had a D/s think going on I was 'D' for the first couple of years. She started out living in her car with her 3 kids to get way from a bad situation back East. Got a job/profession with a national company 'til they downsized last year (now currently working). She is a very smart person (well above average I.Q.)! It would be stupid of me to think I have pulled anything over on her and quit frankly I would never be dishonest to her. I just have not talked about Van yet anyway.

Spilled milk:
I'm not! If I didn't say where I was coming from you would have no idea what I was trying to talk about and I don't mean to say this statement in a mean way.

Sure at time I have a little pity party, then move on, who wouldn't? I am pretty sure I would damage my Ex severally given that province of NS hands out a fine that are stiffer for littering then driving over someone. She (being Bi-polar [so I speak to the disease]) wrenched my life! Why would anyone do so much harm to someone that help them for 27 years as to leave them without a mean to fend for themselves? Rhetorically speaking.

I do sound a little angry don't I, that I am sure of. I don't mean to sound so angry as I'm just a sweet loving thing. lol

I truly thank-you for holding a mirror upto me Gillian and everyone else who has replied. I did less editing while writing this reply :)
You might me on to something. <smile>

I am moving forward. Without a good financial means it is just a little tricky and takes longer. Planes are faster then bicycles, but both get your where you want to go in the end.

[kimdl93]

One of the biggest things that I had to do was come to terms with who I was, and accept it. I realized that I was not loving others, because I was not loving myself, and something had to change. To accept one's self and move on is not a five minute fix. For me it is finding the balance necessary to like and love who I am, yet still enjoy that part of me that didn't seem to fit into regular society. I am there yet, no, but life is a journey, and I am farther along the path of acceptance now than I was before. .

Honestly, I think this is the biggest challenge we face. Once I was more fully able to accept myself it was much easier to be honest and open with others.

[sterling12]

Avail yourself of something we don't have in The States. Take advantage of your National Health Program, and get some counseling. Your fighting this tooth and nail, and all it might do is make you crazy!

I think someone professional can help you put all this in perspective, suggest A Pathway for you to travel, and might just be A Source or Support which you seem to badly need. Winter is coming on very quickly, and I'm picturing you with a really bad case of Cabin Fever with Vanessa just "bustin' to get out." As Kim suggested, learning to accept yourself isn't easy! But, it's the only alternative that you really have.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[*Vanessa*]

Avail yourself of something we don't have in The States. Take advantage of your National Health Program, and get some counseling..

I've thought seriously about getting help. Talked about it over this past year many times with my SO, but not about Vanessa, I will protect her to the end - as she has done the same for me! huum, maybe just a little crazy.. lol

Cabin Fever: <humour> I do go out to the mountain lots with my camera. It is invigorating waking up in the morning and realizing you just slept comfortably while it was -20C out side the tent in Winter or walking beside a grizzly bear and her cubs while she lets you take photographs. It is also exhilarating. Is all this feminine? Sure there are lots of females out there and one or two that look it. ;)

Thanks Sterling
v.

[MsJanessa]

Well if you and your so were in a D/s relationship, she probably isn't a woman bound by conventional perceptions and attitudes and may well accept, even embrace, your desires

[docrobbysherry]

I have one burning quiestion: What the H is a "D/s thing"? I've gone thru Websters and STILL can't guess!

Other than that, I'm going to recommend what Sterling suggested. I've been here for 4 years, Vanessa, and have NEVER SEEN anyone who needs help more than u! We're only on your computer screen! I don't think the best of us r capable of giving u the help u need! PLEASE seek a qualified professional immediately! U seriously need to open up to one ASAP! Vanessa included!

[Torrey]

Vanessa-

Docrobbysherry is so right. We are all here to be your shoulder to lean on, but real help? You should not fret the small stuff. Exes are like A-holes..we all have 'em, but they tend to stink up the joint. I feel comfortable saying we are all in your corner, sugah. Let us know what we can do to help, but don't replace that for real help.

Hugs,
Torrey

[DebbieL]

I have one burning quiestion: What the H is a "D/s thing"? I've gone thru Websters and STILL can't guess!

I may be wrong, but IIRC, D/s is Dominant / submissive.

Not uncommon for transgenders and cross-dressers to take an interest in such things, since there is a strong emphasis on very feminine clothing both for the Dominatrix and the submissive ****, male or female.

The D/s scene also provides a counter balance to the pressure to be a man. Having a woman order you to get dressed up in lingerie, high heels, and everything else, then tie you up and tease you with a combination of arousal and pain often for an hour or more, can be an amazing turn-on for someone who has struggled to find ANY kind of support.

The one pitfal is that if a woman is truly sadistic and the man is truly submissive or masochistic, she can begin to inflict more pain by denial.

The ultimate masochist begs his mistress to beat him and inflict horrible pain.

The Ultimate sadist mistress, knowing that the greatest pain would be to deny the request refuses.

The ultimate masochist experiences pleasure in the pain and humiliation of being denied, and says with all sincerity "Thank you mistress", and takes pleasure in the fact that nothing happened.

The problem is that if a woman understands how cruel this can be, and uses it to inflict deep emotional pain on someone who isn't quite willing to take it that far, the submissive can experience very real self esteem and abuse issues. Some even need counciling for spousal abuse, or battered spouse syndrome.

It sounds silly if you just hear about it, but if you've ever had someone who knows your little "secret" of being transgendered, and they take every opportunity, numerous times a day, to tear down your self-esteem, to control your money, food, free time, and humiliate you publicly and privately at least once every 30 minutes, it can be almost crippling.

Fortunately, most women aren't that cruel, and most transgendered men will move on before allowing their self-image to get so bad that they don't even care if they live or die, unless their partner demands money, resources, and obedience even after the divorce. When the abusive partner leaves, there is literally no reason left to live.

Fortunately, the condition is so common among women, that many transgender councilors know that this can be an issue, and know how to treat it. Often, a substantial recover can be accomplished in just a few months.

[Jessica86]

I may be wrong, but IIRC, D/s is Dominant / submissive.

Not uncommon for transgenders and cross-dressers to take an interest in such things, since there is a strong emphasis on very feminine clothing both for the Dominatrix and the submissive ****, male or female.

The D/s scene also provides a counter balance to the pressure to be a man. Having a woman order you to get dressed up in lingerie, high heels, and everything else, then tie you up and tease you with a combination of arousal and pain often for an hour or more, can be an amazing turn-on for someone who has struggled to find ANY kind of support.

The one pitfal is that if a woman is truly sadistic and the man is truly submissive or masochistic, she can begin to inflict more pain by denial.

The ultimate masochist begs his mistress to beat him and inflict horrible pain.

The Ultimate sadist mistress, knowing that the greatest pain would be to deny the request refuses.

The ultimate masochist experiences pleasure in the pain and humiliation of being denied, and says with all sincerity "Thank you mistress", and takes pleasure in the fact that nothing happened.

The problem is that if a woman understands how cruel this can be, and uses it to inflict deep emotional pain on someone who isn't quite willing to take it that far, the submissive can experience very real self esteem and abuse issues. Some even need counciling for spousal abuse, or battered spouse syndrome.

It sounds silly if you just hear about it, but if you've ever had someone who knows your little "secret" of being transgendered, and they take every opportunity, numerous times a day, to tear down your self-esteem, to control your money, food, free time, and humiliate you publicly and privately at least once every 30 minutes, it can be almost crippling.

Fortunately, most women aren't that cruel, and most transgendered men will move on before allowing their self-image to get so bad that they don't even care if they live or die, unless their partner demands money, resources, and obedience even after the divorce. When the abusive partner leaves, there is literally no reason left to live.

Fortunately, the condition is so common among women, that many transgender councilors know that this can be an issue, and know how to treat it. Often, a substantial recover can be accomplished in just a few months.

Oh....my.....God. That's horrible. I can't imagine someone treating anyone that way. To the OP, I was moved by your story. I have free psychologist/therapy coverage through my career and have thought about seeking therapy for what I do. I thought it would comfort my wife more to hear that this is a normal thing from a doctor. I some times feel like I owe her that. I don't know why. Other times, I wonder if it's just me wanting to hear it from a doctor too.....

[MsJanessa]

Actually it's usually more like pre-arranged role play where one partner allows the other to "be in charge" so long as the sub partner allows it---most D/s couples use it entirely for bed room play and really wouldn't dream of actually harming their partner or otherwise being actually injured by her/him---unfortunately there are some who take it too far

[*Vanessa*]

Thanks for the replies

Sure I think I could use a few minutes of professional help so that I can focus quicker on my current needs. Well maybe more then a few. However, I do have the ability to cognate.

The typical fem brain just wants to vent and talk with her girlfriends, while boy brain wants to provide solutions and fix things. I have both boy and girl bits (as far as the brain is concerned) so I get to do both.

You are far more then a computer screen. You are bits and bites of logic that I can use to help me focus on my task at hand. I do agree with that logic to this point however. While most of you are sharing your life in the physical and first person, I have the keyboard and re-runs on TV and that is not good for anyone. All of the friends (100%) I had from '05 have evaporated as well as very old friends dating back 18 or so years. Life changes. I don't want to keep restraints on my life to the point of not being able to change and mature because I fear loosing friends, although it is painful to let them go. I have meet incredible people since. New friends, that are beyond anything I could have imagined.
I won't talk to the D/s comments - but all of the comments are close.

[TGMarla]

As I see it, you have two clear choices:

You can either embrace the whole Vanessa thing, either by being way more open about it and pursuing it with crossdressing, or by transition...

Or you can do the same old denial thing you've been embracing your whole life, and continue to live the lie that has been tormenting you for years.

You're way too far down the road, in your late 50s, to go through the same old same old again, in my humble opinion. You need to come to terms with Vanessa, and either accept her on your own terms, or continue down the same road you've always travelled.

[Intertwined]

Know thyself

In order to feel good about myself, I need to claim the same freedom that most humans take for granted,

" The Freedom to simply EXIST, as Myself, OPENLY ".

This above all; to thine own self be true.

164458

[*Vanessa*]

As I see it, you have two clear choices:

You can either embrace the whole Vanessa thing, either by being way more open about it and pursuing it with crossdressing, or by transition...

Or you can do the same old denial thing you've been embracing your whole life, and continue to live the lie that has been tormenting you for years.

You're way too far down the road, in your late 50s, to go through the same old same old again, in my humble opinion. You need to come to terms with Vanessa, and either accept her on your own terms, or continue down the same road you've always travelled.

Thank-you Marla for you words. - The reason I am here is to gain self-insight for that very purpose. I can assure you I have not wallowed around in a state of self-pity for almost 60 years.

First I want to say this;
The nature of this form (the php Application) is old fashioned and very out of date with current social media Apps. (Caveat; I am not slamming the creators nor the Admin group. I am just stating a fact.)

Here is a link to more background to help explain where I am coming from and where my mind is at [ http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?159377-hello-from-a-tormented-solo&p=2588102&highlight=#post2588102 ]

I didn't want to reiterate all that stuff and bore you all to tears so I didn't include it here. Clearly I should have for your benefit and I say sorry for not.

The issue for me is, how do I move forward with my life both emotionally and financially intact - this is job one.

The vast majority of you have a disposable income that you built over a number of years. I, through no fault of my own, except for helping someone, lost everything including any means to help myself in '09. I am starting over, yes at my age (big deal). I'm not about to jump off a bridge. At lest not yet, as I have always been a fighter, self-employed most of my adult years, raised family and took care of others and most of all protected Vanessa from harm.

Life dealt me a nasty hand and I say 'so what' just find away to move on. Being here, in this group (registered 8 days ago) has and is helping me find answers. I can assure you that there is no problem embracing Vanessa even at my age, as it was pointed out. I feel, act and live very young [ (mid 30s ;) ] not just physically but mentally.

I hope this help to clarify the intention of this original post and illustrates that I am not in denial about anything.
I don't mean to offend anyone, if I have I apologize.
v.