A little confused

[Ava McGhee]

Okay, I've known I've wanted to transition for a very long time now. I could go on and on about the way I socialized when I was a kid, or a million other things, but I'll leave it at saying that I've known someday I'd live as a woman for most of my life.

Like many others in the GLBTQ community, I came from a very conservative background... I left a very abusive, neglectful environment for a very loving, very supportive and very, very conservative one when I was young. They said that being "queer" is a sin, so I went so far as to learn self-hypnosis meditation to convince myself of their position; of course, inside I still wanted to be a girl, then a woman as I got older.

Well: I'm there. I've begun transition in earnest, working on a new wardrobe, can't shave anymore so I'm ordering wax, as well as my first corset and makeup kit. This is all a wonderful start, but I still have no clue where to go next.

So here I am, happier and more content with myself than ever, yet confused and very, very bored. I'm trying to remember the teen who was getting pointers on how to be a lady in high school but (s)he is long dead.

I guess what I'm posting about is asking you guys.. I dunno, what to do next maybe? I've never been to a gay club, only gone shopping a couple times and as far as my feminine side goes, I've been living under a rock most of my adult life.

How to become the woman you've always wanted to be, when all that side of you has ever known is denial?
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[Melody Moore]

The first step is to find a therapist if you want to embark on the difficult journey of gender transition.
You will need to be assessed for suitability for hormone therapy. All that you haven't told us about how
you socialised as a child will be important to also open up about more than coming out and saying that
you knew all your life that you would be a woman. Just be open & honest about your feelings with your
therapist and everything should start falling into place if this is really the right thing for you.

[CharleneT]

:iagree:

BINGO ! ...................

[Aprilrain]

Yup therapy is the first step. Finding a support group is a close second, actually I got my therapist who I love from talking to girls at my support group. You may want to consider laser or electrolysis instead of waxing. Corsets are fun in the bed room but not very practical else where. Good luck.

[Ava McGhee]

I've actually had therapists while I was living in Seattle, but nothing as far as this town is concerned. By "socialized", I mean that until I reached early teens, I tended to hang out with girls and play more girl-type games, like house, or just gossiping; enough that my parents were basically convinced that I was going to be completely gay...

And as far as corsets go, they're great for achieving a more feminine figure, as well as correcting posture from years of slouching to fit a more guy-like posture.

[Melody Moore]

Irrespective of the fact that you had therapist in Seattle, you will need to be
under a therapist who will write you a letter recommending hormone therapy.
So before you should be worrying about corsets & makeup - find a therapist!

[DebbieL]

Okay, I've known I've wanted to transition for a very long time now. I could go on and on about the way I socialized when I was a kid, or a million other things, but I'll leave it at saying that I've known someday I'd live as a woman for most of my life.

I know the feeling. In another post, you said you hung out with the girls, an usually preferred their company. That is a really good start.


Like many others in the GLBTQ community, I came from a very conservative background... I left a very abusive, neglectful environment for a very loving, very supportive and very, very conservative one when I was young. They said that being "queer" is a sin, so I went so far as to learn self-hypnosis meditation to convince myself of their position; of course, inside I still wanted to be a girl, then a woman as I got older.

You are lucky to even be alive. For so many of us, the people we love don't know about our secret, and their preaching makes it even harder to discuss it with ANYONE, especially them. I have two other cousins who killed themselves, and 3 others who tried. In the notes of the ones who succeeded, each was afraid they couldn't resist their sexual desires, and would end up going to hell. The had set up their suicide so that they would have time to repent before they died, so they could be forgiven. I'm sure their parents, and my grandparents, would rather have had the gay person or the transgendered person, than the person in the grave.

It would be so much easier if we hated them, but loving them makes it so much harder. We don't want to hurt them so we try to live up to their ideals, even i it kills us, which it often nearly does or actually does.


Well: I'm there. I've begun transition in earnest, working on a new wardrobe, can't shave anymore so I'm ordering wax, as well as my first corset and makeup kit. This is all a wonderful start, but I still have no clue where to go next.

These are good first steps. You might also want to consider a dance class, such as ballet or modern or aerobics, something done with a bunch of other women. Besides giving you the chance to wear tights and a leotard, you can also work with the instructor to help you sculpt your body into a very beautiful feminine body rather than the strong muscular male body.

Good posture not only help you look more mature, but it also helps develop your core. You don't want 6-pack abs, you want a lean tummy. Sitting in a straight char, trying to push your whole back into it will give you that lean core. Lifting your legs and pointing your toes during the day, for as long as you can, will help tone your thighs and calves. If you need to lose weight, consider a group such as weight watchers.

Most importantly, find a therapist with experience in dealing with gender identity issues. It's a small market and there are few specialists, but they know what you are going through and have helped others resolve what issues there are to resolve, and make an informed choice, and then follow through with appropriate actions based on that choice.


So here I am, happier and more content with myself than ever, yet confused and very, very bored. I'm trying to remember the teen who was getting pointers on how to be a lady in high school but (s)he is long dead.

You may find that she comes to life even more beautiful and wondrous than ever before, your wisdom and experience providing you social skills and judgement you didn't have when you were young. Once you start going public, you will find that some women avoid you, but you will find that many not only accept you, but want to support you and encourage you.


I guess what I'm posting about is asking you guys.. I dunno, what to do next maybe? I've never been to a gay club, only gone shopping a couple times and as far as my feminine side goes, I've been living under a rock most of my adult life.

How to become the woman you've always wanted to be, when all that side of you has ever known is denial?


This is part of what the councilor will guide you through. He or she will give you weekly assignments to help you determine where you feel comfortable, and to expand those comfort zones. Mine had me go to dances thrown by 12 step organizations I was attending, and suggested some different types of meetings such as gay, women's, and biker meetings. It didn't make sense at the time, but when I took the coaching, it quickly became clear why it was reccomended.

Later he suggested going to different clubs. Gay clubs, lesbian clubs, and even straight clubs. He also suggested "theme" clubs, were fetish, bondage, and other alternative lifestyles were accepted. He even suggested a few churches that were accepting of transgendered and openly gay people. He suggested that I accept any offer of a date, male or female, and give them a chance to know me. I later learned that, because they were open minded, they often knew others who would be a better match.

At first, I only needed to go out one night a week. Later it was Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights, then to stay "en femme" all of all three days, including shopping and any other day activities. I didn't have to wear my sexiest outfits to the mall, but I had to present as a woman. I often dressed more "business casual", which was more comfortable for me

Eventually, he had me getting dressed as soon as I got home from work, going to a meeting or event, and sleeping in women's nightclothes. He also recommended that I sleep in a corset or waist cincher at night to help taper the waistline.

I was about to start HRT when my ex-wife told me that if I didn't stop she would have the social worker from school (who went to her husband's church) write a letter telling the judge and DYFUS that my visitation was harmful to the children and that I should only be granted supervised visitation to make sure I didn't let them see me as Debbie. It was a threat that I knew she would carry out.

Ironically, it was she who told my son about my dressing, in hopes of making him more obedient to his father. She asked me to send him a picture, but I just confirmed it on the phone. Ironically, he took my side, and was more stubborn than ever. I finally had to tell hem that it was OK if he climbed up into Jerry's lap the same way he used to climb up into mine, and he could tell Jerry anything he would have told me. After about a month of this, they started bonding and Jerry became more like a real dad to him, and I was more like the wise old grandfather, or fairy godmother.

Even this took some counseling, and I had found a good support group.

[Hope]

The path is scary, and hard, and there are days where you cry yourself to sleep (I am having a bout of one of those right now - not sure why but it feels hormonal...). But it also filled with wonder, and excitement, and freedom and more joy than you can comprehend.

You don't need to make it more frightening than it already is. You don't have to make it more difficult than it already is. Because you don't have to commit to any particular treatment or outcome right now, or ever. There are lots of ways to go about this, and we have all gone about it slightly differently.

So... the answer to your question about what to do next? Do what feels right for you. Experiment, play, have fun. If you try something that doesn't feel right, you don't have to do it again. If you try something and you want more more more - you can have it.

You don't have to go to gay clubs... honestly I have only been to a couple in my life and I am consistently underwhelmed. Getting in touch with your local LGBT support organization is a good idea though. Finding a trans support group is a grand idea.

But I would think about smaller, more concrete things to try... paint your nails, or maybe buy some girl jeans, or girl sneakers, carry a purse - call it a "man bag" if you must at first. Mostly do what interests you and what feels right. Eventually you may move up to, going out dressed, or HRT, or going full time, or any number of other things - but you aren't ready for that now so don't worry about it. When the time is right, you will know. You will know.

And we are not joking about the therapy. A therapist with experience with gender issues is invaluable. You know that growing up in an environment like the one you grew up in is horrible for your mental health. Gender issues do a fantastic job of messng with your mind as well. Do commit to finding a therapist and making an appointment in less than a week. Do it.

[Stephenie S]

And you might try ditching the corset. Women don't wear corsets. Of course some crossdressers do, but I thought you were planning to transition. SOME women wear control undergarments, but not that many. But a corset? Kinda old fashioned and a bit fetishistic, really.

S

[shapeshifter]

And you might try ditching the corset. Women don't wear corsets.
I strongly disagree. Google "corset training" and you will only find reading material for cis women. Women do and don't do everything. Plenty of women, cis and trans, have fetishes. I say don't worry about stereotypes, just be yourself.

Let's see, for socializing there are tons of options. You can meet trans people through support groups. Some groups are creepy and judgmental, some are wonderful. I think they're worth checking out. You can make trans friends (yes some in your neighborhood) through the Internet (e.g. various forums) and through trans conferences (e.g. Southern Comfort). I know I have. You can join queer organizations (e.g. a ballroom dancing group, a LGBT marching band, etc, etc) and hang out with them, or go to queer hangouts (ranging from gay or lesbian bars, to the androgynous/genderqueer scene, to tranny bars. Or clubs). There is no one queer scene - some focus on a different letter of LGBT, some are more or less gender conforming, some are preppier, some are more goth/punk and they all vary in age group. If you're near a decent sized city, there should be something that floats your boat. Or you could come out to existing friends.

On learning female socialization, there are lots of ways. The Internet is awesome - there are tons of makeup tutorials on YouTube, and fashion tips are super easy to find. To pick flattering clothes and makeup, you should figure out your face shape, skin tone (warm/cold, and in more detail, e.g. "pale olive" to match foundation/concealer/powder shade), and body type. You can go to MAC or Sephora and get a make-over. Or you could ask one of the trans-friendly friends you just made to teach you. Afaik, most hairdressers are LGBT friendly, so you can ask them for a feminine cut. There are tons of materials on female voice, including Melanie Anne Phillip's method (http://heartcorps.com/journeys/voice.htm), Deep Stealth's Finding Your Female Voice (http://www.deepstealth.com/film-tv-video/instructional-videos/finding-your-female-voice/) (which has a free PDF booklet on their site somewhere), and various YouTube vloggers' tutorials, such as CandiFLA's (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qbaj4tIX1kw). And trans conferences (e.g. Southern Comfort) often have workshops on just this sort of thing. Or you can ignore all of the above except for voice. Plenty of butch trans women exist, as do plenty of trans tomboys who never wear makeup. Again, you don't have to be a stereotype (unless you want to! ;))

On physical changes, the main things are HRT and beard removal. HRT is the most important. Female hormones soften your face and your skin (your face via fat redistribution), make you grow breasts, give you a figure (again via fat redistribution), and change you both sexually and mentally. Doing therapy, then getting your letter, and then finally getting hormones works (I mean, I did it), but it isn't the only way. (Note that in the revised WPATH Standards of Care, there is NO real life experience requirement for hormones, and the therapy period has been shortened to 3 months! See http://wpath.org/Documents2/socv6.pdf, p. 13. If your therapist disagrees, print out the document and educate them!) You may have trouble affording therapy, in which case you might be able to find cheaper therapy through trans/LGBT organizations or clinics. Some doctors and clinics will prescribe hormones to you without a letter, on an informed consent basis. You can even DIY hormones (cautiously, and DOING YOUR RESEARCH), getting them from a trusted friend or a reputable online pharmacy. If you take this route, I recommend going to a doctor anyway and getting blood tests. I could have easily done this - having done my research, I pretty much told my endo what doses I wanted and he prescribed them. Also keep in mind that if the gatekeepers know you're going to DIY anyway, many will be more willing to rush you through the system.

To remove your beard, there are two permanent methods. Electrolysis is effective, but as an electrologist must burn out (yes, burn out - they stick a BURNING HOT NEEDLE in your face!) every single hair, it is labor-intensive and thus expensive (not to mention horribly painful). Laser hair removal is cheaper (they can cover a greater area, so they take less time) and less painful (it's more like a rubber band striking your face really, really hard). Traditional laser works best on people with dark hair and light skin, but YAG lasers are effective on all hair types. Either way, you will need many sessions and thus spend lots of money. Many people do laser until all the dark hairs are gone, then touch up what's left with electrolysis. If you sign up for LivingSocial, Groupon and that sort of site, you'll get frequent coupons for great deals on hair removal. Just set an email filter and you never have to see anything they send that isn't hair removal.

If your face is very bony, you may need FFS to pass. You may want it any way because certain manly features (brow ridge, nose, and jaw are common) drive you nuts. But it's seriously amazing how much of an effect hormones have, so it's recommended you wait I believe at least a year for your face to get softer before considering FFS. Makeup and hairstyle can work wonders for softening your face or hiding your brow ridge as well. Also, many cis women have manly features and don't get FFS, so they should be the standard, not the airbrushed models in magazines. You have to ask yourself whether you want FFS for passing or for beauty, and whether you even need it at all.

If you want FFS, BAS, or GRS, you should start saving money yesterday. (FFS = facial feminization surgery, BAS = breast augmentation, GRS = gender reassignment - i.e. the "sex change") Though you can take out a loan/max out all your credit cards, it still helps to plan ahead financially. Getting a degree in a well-paying field (if you're in college) and taking a well-paying job definitely helps. Some universities and employers actually cover transsexual surgery under their insurance plans, so it pays to do your research!

I hope my little Transition 101 helps. <3

[Ava McGhee]

Thanks for the replies everyone, and thanks especially to shapeshifter for a very unexpected show of support! I'm not really used to anything but drama over this issue, so really, thanks!

I had one more thing I wanted to ask everyone about: I don't really know what to do with my hands all over again. I used to exercise what I was told was "gay" mannerisms and gestures in my early 20's, so I unlearned them to blend in with a very rough crowd. Well, I obtained (legally!) spirolactone and estradiol, and my brain chemistry seems very much like what it was when I was that age, and I don't know what to do with my hands all over again. Any pointers?

Thanks guys!

[Melody Moore]

On physical changes, the main things are HRT and beard removal. HRT is the most important. Female hormones soften your face and your skin (your face via fat redistribution), make you grow breasts, give you a figure (again via fat redistribution), and change you both sexually and mentally. Doing therapy, then getting your letter, and then finally getting hormones works (I mean, I did it), but it isn't the only way. (Note that in the revised WPATH Standards of Care, there is NO real life experience requirement for hormones, and the therapy period has been shortened to 3 months! See http://wpath.org/Documents2/socv6.pdf, p. 13. If your therapist disagrees, print out the document and educate them!) You may have trouble affording therapy, in which case you might be able to find cheaper therapy through trans/LGBT organizations or clinics. Some doctors and clinics will prescribe hormones to you without a letter, on an informed consent basis. You can even DIY hormones (cautiously, and DOING YOUR RESEARCH), getting them from a trusted friend or a reputable online pharmacy. If you take this route, I recommend going to a doctor anyway and getting blood tests. I could have easily done this - having done my research, I pretty much told my endo what doses I wanted and he prescribed them. Also keep in mind that if the gatekeepers know you're going to DIY anyway, many will be more willing to rush you through the system.

I thought there was a lot of good advice in Shapeshifter's reply, all except this.

First of you, you need to realise that the WPATH (HB) Standards of Care are only a guideline, they are not
any type policy that you can flex any muscle with to your doctor & make them change their policies. Doctors,
as well as gender centres will sometimes have their own policies with gender transition & hormone therapy
that they insist must be followed. Some doctors & gender centres will prescribe HRT very quickly if they feel
it is the right thing for you, whereas if they have doubts then they might insist on putting you through some
psycho-therapy first to determine if you have GID (Gender Identity Disorder). Sometimes if they are still in doubt
but suspect that you have GID, then they they might prescribe hormones to see how they impact on your sense
of well being to help them determine if Hormone Therapy is the right thing for you.

I recently had a discussion with my doctor who wants to offer alternative support to those in gender transition
outside of our local gender centre. And I actually asked him the question about how he would feel about treating
transsexuals who have been self-medicating. First of all he told me how silly it was that people took such a risk
playing around with HRT on their own. He confirmed what I already knew about the long list of medical conditions
that can arise and also be made worse if a person decides to self-medicate. And he also confirmed that he needed
to do blood tests to get their base-levels & to check for enzymes especially with their livers before they can even
think about prescribing hormone therapy. There are complications that can arise if you have blood pressure issues
that you are not aware of it, along with the other many issues that you might develop or already have. My doctor
said he would be very reluctant to take on a person who was self-medicating because they are already a risk because
they have gone against medical advice in the first place by self medicating. Despite his duty of care, he said he would
not want to take on such a person because he fears they won't follow his advice because there is risk & liability involved.

He said he would want to help, but it would still take some convincing because they did take matters
into their own hands. So don't think a doctor will want to help you if you act irresponsibly, try to bully
them or attempt to put them on a guilt trip - I certainly wouldn't help a person like that - Would you?

[Stephenie S]

Many women wear corsets? I don't think so. Do some? Yeah, sure. But the thought of trying to live a normal life in a corset is a bit absurd. Women today do not wear corsets. Back in the Victorian era there were many more corset wearers, but even then women who actually worked did not. Corsets were worn mainly by the privileged classes. They are just too restricting and uncomfortable. Please don't try and perpetrate this fallacy.

What to do with your hands? Anything you want. But use them. Women tend to talk a LOT more with their hands than most men.

S

[shapeshifter]

Thanks for the replies everyone, and thanks especially to shapeshifter for a very unexpected show of support! I'm not really used to anything but drama over this issue, so really, thanks!
Aw, no problem. I hate drama.

[CharleneT]

Hands: above is right on, women use them a lot in conversation. What to do for that and other times, watch GG around you and find gestures that fit with your personality. Then learn 'em, then practice, practice, practice -- until you do it without having to think about it, just happens ;)

[Inna]

Ava, who you are resides in your heart, we have been conditioned to look blindly pass our hearts and use the ever so clever thought process of our brains to guide us through life, little did they know what they do!

The hardest for me, was to unlearn this process of intellectual view of the world, and to begin, as for the first time in my life since a little girl I was at 7 years old but forgotten and sentenced to the abyss of my soul, to finally see the world as it truly is.
Truth was the holy grail of understanding, nothing fancy, nothing complicated, in fact as simple as it gets, TRUTH, pure, wholesome, transparent, and clear, TRUTH about my self, Truth to everyone, Truth to my self.

Since then I begun to live again for the second time around, and the path laid before me, I realized was always there but shadowed by my own blindness of intellectual garbage I so praised and worshiped.

Be your self, don't ask anyone of whom you should or shouldn't be but look into your heart and you shall see.