My confidence is waning!!!

[Michelle James]

I am now 24/7 so this could become a problem for me. If you have read any of my previous posts you know I am usually the pillar of confidence. I spent the day today "hitting" yard sales looking for deals. My SO joined me about 2 pm and we continued the hunt. (It's part of how we pay the bills) Later this afternoon we had dinner and took in a movie. So far everything was going as usual. No problems whatsoever. Just two women out in the world. The movie ended about 6:45 and I said to my SO "we can still make it to the auction". So off we went. We arrived a few minutes after 7 and when we walked in I noticed this big fat (400lbs+) asshole who we have seen at other auctions and honestly he is a smartass from the word go. As I walked by him I heard him laugh and point at me for his friend (also a big immature asshole) to see. I couldn't hear what he was saying and to his friends credit he didn't appear to want to play. Since as a rule I have a very thick skin I just shrugged it off and went about my business. We didn't see anything at this sale that we wanted or needed and stuff was bringing stupid money so we decided to leave. I told my SO to hang back and see if it was just my imagination. She told me that when I walked by to leave he did the same thing but she couldn't hear what he was saying. When we got to the car she said "maybe he is just trying to figure out if you are male or female". That did it. I started rethinking everything and I can't get it out of my head. My first impulse was to change into male mode and go back and unleash the beast on this jerk. Fortunately it is more important to me that I stay as Michelle and besides I no longer have any boy clothes.

This is worrying me because these kind of things never rattle me. I believe that if you can't handle being laughed at you have no business out in public in girl clothes. Why has this shaken me to my very core?

What should I do? Options?
I do have a Tazer and it is charged. I am a little short on bail money tho.

This won't go away as this jerk attends many of the same auctions we do.
How can I get past this without going into hiding.

I find it is more difficult to face my demons as Michelle. When I was a man I would have made his life a living hell. He is a 400 pounder who can't keep his pants pulled up and smells like the lower end of an out house.

I guess I'll take the high road and act as though nothing happened the next time our paths cross. Except he will never buy another thing at any auction I attend. Oh and my Tazer will be in my purse.

Advice welcome please.

S

[Wendy_Marie]

A freind of mine use to tell me that You shouldn't sweat the little things..and at the end of the day they are all little things....I understand what you mean about getting shaken and sometimes it is the most insignificant things that seem to have the biggest impact on me.

I think you handled yourself well...It sounds to me as if you handled this situation in a very lady like fashion.....

[boardpuppy]

I agree you handled the situtation in a very lady like manner. Know in my case, I don't know if things would have ended in such a easy/com manner. I guess having been out and about longer (a lot longer) in my case, you learn to control those enter feeling that kick up and want to......well I can tell you understand. All I can say is "You go Girl, you have it all together".
Alice

[Momarie]

"I noticed this big fat (400lbs+) asshole"

I imagine he accepts you about as much as you accept him.
I know it is hard but when you understand him (he can't be happy) maybe he will understand you.

[Vickie_CDTV]

I used to have anger issues when I was younger (and was bullied much of my life), so I can kind of understand how you feel. However, unless the guy is physically threatening, take the high road, if for no one else's sake than your own. If you can't clearly claim self defense from a physical threat, when the cops come it is virtually a given you will get the worst end of it (odds are even greater if you are en femme.)

[MissMarcie]

This is worrying me because these kind of things never rattle me. I believe that if you can't handle being laughed at you have no business out in public in girl clothes. Why has this shaken me to my very core?

You say you're 24/7 (or at least I took it that way) like you don't have a choice. Is it your choice or not? If so, I'm a bit confused as it seems like there is some extra testosterone flowing thru your system. I hate to say it, but you may need to grow some thicker skin. good luck.

[t-girlxsophie]

If this jerk keeps up his behviour I wouldn't shy away from telling him what I thought about him,After all I've seen GGs unload on guys being Arseholes before.Sometimes being timid isn't the right approach

Sophie

[Cynthia Anne]

My response is because this is who I am! The next time you see him at a sale do this! YELL out! ''WHAT DID YOU SAY! HELL NO YOU ARE NOT MY TYPE!
Hugs! [It works wonders!]

[Loretta]

A freind of mine use to tell me that You shouldn't sweat the little things..and at the end of the day they are all little things....I understand what you mean about getting shaken and sometimes it is the most insignificant things that seem to have the biggest impact on me.

I think you handled yourself well...It sounds to me as if you handled this situation in a very lady like fashion.....

I don't think the Thread Creator (hereby referred to as TC) handled it well at all.
TC didn't even know IF the person in question was being insulting. TC's first reaction? "I think I might commit aggravated assault and/or blast on this guy for having different views than I do."

We're crossdressers. We're supposed to have skin that's smooth and soft like a baby's bottom, but thick and tough like leather. So what if the guy was being insulting? Talk to him. Let him know that you don't appreciate the way he has been acting. There's a good chance that it'll work.
Let it roll off of you like water. Once he sees that it doesn't appear to have any effect on you, he won't find it as fun anymore, and it's likely he'll stop.

[Persephone]

I wasn't going to log on tonight, Michelle, I was just going to read a few posts and then get to bed. But I just had to jump in when I read your post.

First of all, I can completely relate to your frustration and rage. Totally.

And I wish there were a "Darwin Award" button that we could just push when needed to erase jerks like him. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be a button like that and police departments seem to take a dim view of "do it yourself" methods.

It raises our blood pressure and causes all sorts of internal stress but you have to ask yourself if you want to give this sack of garbage control over you, 'cause if you respond that's what really happens -- he wins.


I guess I'll take the high road and act as though nothing happened the next time our paths cross. Except he will never buy another thing at any auction I attend. Oh and my Tazer will be in my purse.

Outbidding him sounds lovely, but it deprives you of your hard earned cash.

The one thing you do have is the satisfaction of leading a better life than he does. What is it they say? Living well is the best revenge.

Now let's see if I can tell myself the same things the next time some piece of scum does something to me!

Hugs,
Persephone.

[donnalee]

At 400 lbs.+ he is having a miserable life, which is the best revenge. The only thing that will get him out of it is an early death, which considering his weight, is likely to occur. One of the members here has a quote in her signature which I always liked - "If you wait by the river long enough, the bodies of your enemies will float by."
I have a very bad temper, which I learned long ago to tightly control. If anything, I'm slow to react unless there's a physical danger. This does not keep me from having fantasies of revenge when something like what you describe happens. As long as they remain fantasies, they are harmless to you and your loved one's well-being, but if you indulge in them, however justified, you're defeating yourself, and harming the people most important to you. As frustrating as this incident was, you did the right thing.

[Kate Simmons]

Like a big 400+ Lb. A-hole can talk about someone else? Don't let it rattle you Hon. Just be yourself and enjoy it. There is a whole forum of people right here who appreciate you for who you are.:)

[noeleena]

Hi,

Oh dear the insecurity of it all. or lack of selfesteem & confindence . the cage was rattled do you have to rattle with it,
we had a saying militay training was walk with eyes ahead , see nothing on the sides & hear nothing except you C O.

As youv seen this guy before you shuold just walk on by & leave whats said or happens there & dont let it wash over you,

...noeleena...

[Raychel]

Don't let this a-hole wreck you life, He should take a step back and take a good look at himself and his life, before he goes laughing at others. If you are Happy and Comfortable in your life, Then that is all that really matters. :hugs:

[Launa]

This 400 lb loser probably has nothing in the world that loves him. So he has to pull someone else down to make him feel like he can bring himself up.
Don't let it get you down. It's girls like you getting out there that are helping me trying to do the same thing out in public. If I saw this going on in public and I'm always in guy mode... I would make a scene on your behalf. what a sack of s..t

[Tina B.]

Michele, sorry you had such a bad experience. But not letting him buy anything again at the auctions is not the answer, let him buy a much as he wants, just make him pay to much for it. he wants it, bid it up, and then when you think he is getting close to the edge, let him have it.
I have a brother that is that big, or bigger, and believe me, they are not happy people, and many try to make themselves feel like better people, by belittling others, funny, that still does not make them happy, just nasty people no one wants to be around. Next time, just turn around and say, "I'm so sorry you are such an unhappy person, I hope you find something in life that makes you happier someday, then maybe you too can become a nice person" smile and walk away fast before he can say anything back, He will feel like crap, and the people around him will get a good giggle, and you remain a lady in every sense of the word. Men strike out, women use words, and if used right, can hurt more than fist.
Tina B.

[Elizabeth Ann]

Michelle,
Please don't let your anger and doubt mean that he is controlling you. As several have pointed out, your life must be infinitely better than his, and no doubt will be longer. I know it is difficult, but consider his lot in life and see if you can replace your anger with pity. If you can, you may even find some compassion for this poor soul.

. . . and of course, it also lets you feel a bit superior as well.

Liz

[Michelle James]

Michele, sorry you had such a bad experience. But not letting him buy anything again at the auctions is not the answer, let him buy a much as he wants, just make him pay to much for it. he wants it, bid it up, and then when you think he is getting close to the edge, let him have it.
I have a brother that is that big, or bigger, and believe me, they are not happy people, and many try to make themselves feel like better people, by belittling others, funny, that still does not make them happy, just nasty people no one wants to be around. Next time, just turn around and say, "I'm so sorry you are such an unhappy person, I hope you find something in life that makes you happier someday, then maybe you too can become a nice person" smile and walk away fast before he can say anything back, He will feel like crap, and the people around him will get a good giggle, and you remain a lady in every sense of the word. Men strike out, women use words, and if used right, can hurt more than fist.
Tina B.
You are of course right. I lost sight of the fact that not quite 2 years ago I was 425 lbs and miserable, as he must be. My SO pointed out this morning that he is always making some sort of disparaging remark about someone. Last night it just happened to be me. It could have been anything. I'm still a fat woman and as such there is always a target on my back. I've been laughed at because of my weight my entire life. It could have been that my SO and I are big buyers at these things and (no pun intended, yet funny) he is intimidated by that. It could have been my outfit, my hair, my makeup (which at that point was about 9 hour old) or any other quirk he could use to try and elevate is own low self esteem. I have to believe if I am going to soldier on than my transgenderism was way down on the list. I doubt if he has figured it out. If he has, oh well who cares. In the light of a new day I feel sorry for him and will be just as pleasant as I always am next time I see him. In fact I think I will seek him out and try to make nice.
Oh and we are headed out the door to another auction today and I may just run into him again. I have to go to this I need the stuff. Wish me luck and I'll let y'all now how it goes.

[ReineD]

In fact I think I will seek him out and try to make nice.

I think this is a great idea! There is a chance his defenses will melt once he gets to know you. If not, things can't get worse than they are with him. :hugs:

[Debglam]

I find it is more difficult to face my demons as Michelle. When I was a man I would have made his life a living hell. He is a 400 pounder who can't keep his pants pulled up and smells like the lower end of an out house.S

Hey Michelle,

I have read your posts and admire the way you handle yourself. I have no idea why this guy rattles you so much. It sounds like he is pretty pathetic and has his own problems that are causing him to be an a-hole. Maybe try to make the peace as others have said. I'm kind of dubious though and don't have a lot of sympathy for people that ridicule others. Best advice I can give is to remember how much better than this slob you are. You are living your life, being who you are, and having fun, and this guy sounds like a heart attack in baggy pants!

I guess that if you can't resolve this you can see that he always pays much more than he has to by bidding him up when the chance arrives.

Hope that you can resolve it peacefully though.
Deb

[JenniferR771]

If he is still obnoxious after your attempts to be nice to him.

Try a little play acting, glance in his direction as you pass by him--whisper something in your wifes ear--she laughs loudly--sneaks a second (obvious) peek at him and whispers in your ear--you both laugh uproariously; if you can find a third woman to join in the fun so much the better. And keep walking.

[Sara Jessica]

"I noticed this big fat (400lbs+) asshole"

I imagine he accepts you about as much as you accept him.
I know it is hard but when you understand him (he can't be happy) maybe he will understand you.

Probably the best advice here.

But my 2-cents says that life in the real world gets much easier once we learn to expect such behavior and become pleasantly pleased when stuff like that doesn't happen. Retaliation or entering into any sort of confrontational behavior is not likely to solve anything. However, "making nice" as you said is rarely a poor choice. I think you are seeing the advantage of empathy and when all is said and done, this guy might actually learn something.

[PretzelGirl]

What is it with the tazer? Are you going to taze everyone who makes you? If that is your attitude, you are going to be in jail some day for assault. Take a deep breath.

And why does it have to be a big deal that it is a 400 lb guy? Would it help if it was a teenage girl? An old man? The fact is that virtually every one of us will get made and more than once. Some people won't care and others will make a deal out of it. How it affects you is totally up to you. You should know it can happen, so ignore it. Move on as there is plenty of enjoyable things in life to spend you time on.

[CynthiaD]

The best thing to do is forgive the guy. (All he did was bruise your ego a little.)

Remember you don't forgive your enemies to save your enemies. You forgive your enemies to save yourself.

CK

[Chickhe]

The best thing to do with such people is remember that you don't have to live with them...but they have to live with themselves. So be kind to him...smile at him, hold the door for him.... You will feel better knowing you took the high road and he may think about it and feel guilty for being a jerk. ...on the other hand some people just suck up all the positive energy of everyone around them and its best to just avoid them...

[KellyG]

Here's an interesting thought:
He pays an awful lot of attention to you, doesn't he?
Maybe he secretly wishes he had the nerve to do what you're doing.
Don't let his lack of confidence rub off on you.
Show him what it looks like when someone is comfortable in their skin, and it just might inspire him to accept himself.

[suchacutie]

It is interesting that so much can just roll off our backs, and then one issue or one person will cut through our thick skins and hit home! So why is that? Of course, there is no easy answer to that question, but maybe it is important for you to think about that for a second.

First of all, coming back at him full bore cannot solve this issue. I'm sure you know that so your thoughts of retribution are a way to blow off steam and come back to your senses. But the issue still rest there: why did this person lead you to leave your senses at all? You have described this person as someone who really has difficult issues with life. It's pretty clear that he is not worth a moment of your time, yet you have allowed him that. He is the one acting as a child! He is the one with no social graces!

The other folks in this thread are pointing you in a good direction. Prepare yourself for next time. Assume he will be there. Be prepared to smile at him. Don't let him sit in a world by himself and take pot shots because you ignor him. Just smile. Don't approach him, don't really do anything. Just smile and go on with your life. If your description of him is accurate, it's likely he won't be with us long anyway :)

You go girl!

tina

[Michelle James]

I ran into this person again and he has evolved. Not into anything worthwhile but something even more evil and despicable.

It has been a while since he and I attended the same auction. Part by chance but mostly I guess my reluctance to put myself in the situation of have to deal with him. Yea, I pussed out. OK there it is. It's out there.

So my Ebay business has been declining mostly from lack of merchandise. I decided yesterday that I had to go to this particular auction and load up. Even if it meant I could run into "he who must not be named" (further referred to as HWMNBN).

Here is what has changed. For some reason he and his entourage (yes he seems to have minions now) congregate at a large round table at the back of the auction hall. They are loud and disruptive and just overall obnoxious.

HWMNBN is clearly the ring leader and at different points during the evening he would decide which person either in the crowd or the auction staff was funny to him and then his minions would unleash all manner of laughter, heckling, berating and then once they got the desired reaction from this individual, they would applaud each other as if they had just won the Nobel Prize for ignorance.

One poor lady who has some extreme weight issues and uses a walker was chided relentlessly and when she left in tears they actually clapped loudly.

Last night I was not a victim of their venom. In fact I guess it was such a target rich environment for HWMNBN that I was not even a blip on his radar.

I am shocked that the people who run the sale did nothing. You would have thought someone would have asked them to leave.

While I am relieved that my first encounter was more about him being an evil jerk than anything else I am now more pissed than ever. As someone who was bullied as a child I have a sense of guilt for not doing anything to stand up for his victims. But what could I have done? What should I have done?

[Piora]

In fact I think I will seek him out and try to make nice.
Oh and we are headed out the door to another auction today and I may just run into him again. I have to go to this I need the stuff. Wish me luck and I'll let y'all now how it goes.
You would probably have a lot more luck with this approach (which I admire that you are trying) if you managed to get him without his buddy. These people are bullies, but usually, they play to an audience (as your later post indicates) They need to have the acceptance of their peers.


If he is still obnoxious after your attempts to be nice to him.

Try a little play acting, glance in his direction as you pass by him--whisper something in your wifes ear--she laughs loudly--sneaks a second (obvious) peek at him and whispers in your ear--you both laugh uproariously; if you can find a third woman to join in the fun so much the better. And keep walking.
Oh, I like that advice! That may well work for you.


What is it with the tazer? Are you going to taze everyone who makes you? If that is your attitude, you are going to be in jail some day for assault. Take a deep breath.
Hmmm. I agree with Sue. If he attacked you physically, then yes I would see the point of having a Tazer - but his type are all about verbal abuse and are usually cowards when it comes to any physical confrontation. I think you should be very careful about if and when you would ever use this weapon.


And why does it have to be a big deal that it is a 400 lb guy? Would it help if it was a teenage girl? An old man? The fact is that virtually every one of us will get made and more than once. Some people won't care and others will make a deal out of it. How it affects you is totally up to you. You should know it can happen, so ignore it. Move on as there is plenty of enjoyable things in life to spend you time on.
This is good advice, Michelle. I believe I read in another post where one member was 'read' by a teenage girl. I think your responses would be different with different types of people.


I ran into this person again and he has evolved. Not into anything worthwhile but something even more evil and despicable.


Here is what has changed. For some reason he and his entourage (yes he seems to have minions now) congregate at a large round table at the back of the auction hall. They are loud and disruptive and just overall obnoxious.

HWMNBN is clearly the ring leader and at different points during the evening he would decide which person either in the crowd or the auction staff was funny to him and then his minions would unleash all manner of laughter, heckling, berating and then once they got the desired reaction from this individual, they would applaud each other as if they had just won the Nobel Prize for ignorance.

One poor lady who has some extreme weight issues and uses a walker was chided relentlessly and when she left in tears they actually clapped loudly.
It's obvious that these miscreants are not there for the purpose of bidding. Why are they being tolerated? They are disruptive and abusive to other patrons. Complain, and complain loudly to the people who run this auction. Get others (there's bound to be lots of them) to back you up on this, and threaten to boycott the place - and tell them you will get others to as well - if something isn't done about this abuse. The people who run the auction are there to make money, or to have a successful event. Once they see that people are upset about this jackass's behaviour, they will be forced into action.

[ReineD]

But what could I have done? What should I have done?

This guy is disruptive, and his behavior could be seen as an attempt to eliminate competition. Could you complain to the people running the sale and point that out?

[MissMarcie]

Do you realize you are the one who controls whether or not he's allowed to intimidate you?
You either allow him to get inside your head, or you don't. Simple as that.
Why do you even pay him any attention? Ignore him.


I ran into this person again and he has evolved. Not into anything worthwhile but something even more evil and despicable.

It has been a while since he and I attended the same auction. Part by chance but mostly I guess my reluctance to put myself in the situation of have to deal with him. Yea, I pussed out. OK there it is. It's out there.

So my Ebay business has been declining mostly from lack of merchandise. I decided yesterday that I had to go to this particular auction and load up. Even if it meant I could run into "he who must not be named" (further referred to as HWMNBN).

Here is what has changed. For some reason he and his entourage (yes he seems to have minions now) congregate at a large round table at the back of the auction hall. They are loud and disruptive and just overall obnoxious.

HWMNBN is clearly the ring leader and at different points during the evening he would decide which person either in the crowd or the auction staff was funny to him and then his minions would unleash all manner of laughter, heckling, berating and then once they got the desired reaction from this individual, they would applaud each other as if they had just won the Nobel Prize for ignorance.

One poor lady who has some extreme weight issues and uses a walker was chided relentlessly and when she left in tears they actually clapped loudly.

Last night I was not a victim of their venom. In fact I guess it was such a target rich environment for HWMNBN that I was not even a blip on his radar.

I am shocked that the people who run the sale did nothing. You would have thought someone would have asked them to leave.

While I am relieved that my first encounter was more about him being an evil jerk than anything else I am now more pissed than ever. As someone who was bullied as a child I have a sense of guilt for not doing anything to stand up for his victims. But what could I have done? What should I have done?