Keeping your options open - what have you sacrificed?

[DebbieL]

What have you given up to keep your options open?

I know for myself I have very carefully avoided things that would give me national recognition. I did do a couple of interviews about finding a job on the Internet back in 1997 and 1998, but I've also been careful to avoid becoming "Rich and Famous".

Rather than working as a writer and having my work formally published, I worked via a mailing list to get 8,000 publishers to put their content on the internet.

Rather than doing interviews or articles for magazines, I worked through usenet newsgroups to get computers being discarded when Windows 95 came out, to third world countries like India, China, Mexico, and several in South America, Africa, and Eastern Europe. Once there, the "obsolete" computers could be configured with Linux to provide access to the Internet and the World Wide Web.

When working to create e-commerce, I worked as a consultant bouncing ideas off of clients, and passing my finding of as notes to subordinates - many of whom rose faster than I did because they weren't considering a sex change.

I've worked very carefully behind the scenes, being almost invisible, to take an active roe i e-commerce, Web, enterprise integration, globalization, virtual offices, virtualization, clusters, and clouds. In each of these cases, I took the technology from the labs and the early releases to the marketplace, often generating hundreds of millions for my employer, but being very careful to move on to another project just before they started putting people's names in the paper.

What have you had to give up to keep your options open?

[Hope]

I spent 4 years in college, and 4 more years in seminary, then 6 years in the parish - and when I came out very politely resigned from my position in the church. That door is pretty permanently closed to me now.

We all give up a lot to do this - and not just career options. Lots of us give up stable marriages, families, children. Some of us even give our lives for it.

This is not inexpensive in any metric.

[Leanne2]

I have given up my sanity to retain my marriage and family. I had to choose, so I chose this course to affect only one member of my family, me. It is sort of like suicide except the victim is still breathing. Leanne

[Kaitlyn Michele]

debbie..
i'm not sure what you are saying... its not very difficult to avoid national recognition, and as a business matter, the more vital you are to a company's cash flow, the more they will be willing to support your transition...

i made good money and was very well known, and i gave all that up..but the money i saved paid for my transition...now i'm on my own, but i'm ok with that... my own words are that "I've downsized my own life"..at my age, lots of folks are making a similar decision, and by working my A## off in my male life, i hope i have the savings to make something happen in my real life..

if you think you are going stealth, your job recognition is irrelevant because you will leave your job, change your name, and have to pursue a different career.. you won't be able to use your past resume or references regardless of how well known you've been...
plus stealth is close to impossible...sooner or later, something will happen...unexpected credit check...an old friend of yours talks to your new friends cousin and "figures it out"..etc..its a small world

if you are gonna be known, then the more support and business contacts you have the better...

maybe i misunderstand you, but as a business person, i'm sorry but i'd encourage you to stop worrying about avoiding recognition..especially deserved recognition for good work..

[pamela_a]

In the course of my transition I've sacrificed self loathing, fear, anxiety, and self doubt. I've sacrificed having to pretend to be something I wasn't only to discover the only person that was affected the most by that was me. I sacrificed the pain I was causing my family by living a lie that was killing me. As a result of my transition I've kept my options open for peace in my heart, soul, and mind. I've kept the options open for happiness and love in my life. I've kept open the option to LIVE

[Inna]

Knowing of my transsexuality at the ripe age of 6, I sacrificed another 36 years of my life to become an opposite of who i always was but unable to have strength to withstand pressure of close-minded, uneducated, and backwards society back in Poland. I raised a beautiful son, now 17, and held together a marriage of 23 years to beautiful yet regretfully, disappointed wife (don't blame her at all). Then when the reveal came forced on by my suicide attempt, I gave up my entire life's material possessions as well as love I thought I shared but truly only imagined it was real. From a million dollar home, thousands of square feet, Hi line cars, stainless steel everything and granite, I have become technically homeless and starving unable to put together any strength to regain business ability or plan to rebuilt. Entire life and new truth, real truth gave me hope in life but cured me entirely from dependency on possessions and comfortable dependency we learn to call love. I have also learned and felt the purity of true love, immaculate, unconditional, so strong and wonderful I before thought was impossible to exist.

So DID I truly sacrificed anything I previously had..........................NO!!!!!! I just realized I never ever had those things to begin with, but gained everything I also didn't believe I allready had :)

[Kristy_K]

I had to give up 50 years of my life to lies and deceit that I told to protect me from showing my true feelings. Now that I have accept myself for whom I really am I feel wonderful. I also had to give up antidepressants when I decided to free Kristy. I have never been more happy. I am now transitioning so I don't have to give up life because it is just to short and I want to live it as the real me.

[Jorja]

It seems to me there are as many answers to your question as there are trans people in this world. Some sacrifice everything they have ever worked for. Others sacrifice very little. I think a lot of it depends on whether you transition young or later in life. Naturally, the ideal time is when you are young and have not built up histories with people, workplaces and such. I also think it depends on how "out" you are as to whether or not you need to work very carefully behind the scenes, being almost invisible or not. There are many out there that have come out and claimed their male body of work and are still successful. I would say the most simply drop their claim to any work and start over as their new self. It is up to the person. If you can stand the heat, go for it. If not, let it go.

[Melody Moore]

It's really a no brainer that transition is all about sacrifice as well it is selfish, but I think life
in general is all about people being selfish and having to make sacrifices - it is what we do.

For me transition meant sacrificing my family, but I was prepared to do that if I had to
if they were not prepared to support me. But hoping from support from them was very
wishful thinking because they always made me the blacksheep & outcast of the family
from the day I was born into this world as an intersex child.

The way I see it, I sacrificed the past 47 years of my life trying to live up to other people's
expectations just to make them all feel happy. So there is no shame or guilt now that I have
decided to take back some of my own life for myself. Over the years I have made lots of personal
sacrifices to make other people happy. I gave up the chance many years ago to go on tour with
a band I was in that suddenly shot to national fame in 1986-7. However my fiancée at the time
was pregnant with our first child. So there was no way I could turn my back on her and the child
just to be in a band for money, fame & notoriety. But despite my commitment to my fiancée &
child we spilt up during 1987 anyway. I stayed single for 2 years in hope that we could save our
relationship.

But this wasn't the only personal sacrifice that has gone completely unnoticed by my own kids.
I met another woman and settled down and we eventually had two children. When my partner
was pregnant with our son, I went away to work in the Gulf on a commercial fishing boat because
the money was good and would allow me to make a fair bit of cash fast to help support my family.
I made the personal sacrifice to go away for my son & my partner before he was born to make sure
that I was financially secure enough to be able to provide for them.

I ended up spending 7 months at sea and missed out on being there for the birth of my son by a matter
of days. So after that experience I did not want to ever be away from my kids again for any length of time.
After that we settled down and were also living here in Cairns at the time I used some of the money
to get myself set up & working as a free-lance photo-journalist & started doing really well for myself.

There was a few times I was asked to go away to do advertising photo-shoots for adventure tour
operators but I made a hard rule that I wouldn't go away for anymore than 3 days at any one time.
Most of the clients would take you on their tour which in some cases could last for a week or more.
As a result I was forced to turn down some clients because I could not commit anymore time to go
away any longer because of my family.

In mid 1994 I was forced to move interstate after my second ex-fiancée took my other two kids back to
her home town. I was forced to move to a town where I didn't know anyone & had to start a life all over
just to be able to see my kids. I ended up in a big legal battle with my ex's meddling family just to get my
legal access to my kids again who were also at such a young age at the time that they have no memories
about this. However I spent over 6 years there for my kids being the weekend Dad. I also use to drive a
total of 260klms to pick my kids up for the weekend and take them safely back home again.

My son came back to live with me eventually until I got married in 2000 to another woman. However my son
got his nose right out of joint because I married a woman who had two kids of her own who were older than
he was - he was the youngest of the 3 boys so he went to the bottom of their pecking order. He was also
very upset because my time was more divided amongst a bigger family and he didn't get all my attention to
himself anymore. He then tried to cause problems for me & my partner, so I asked him what he wanted & if
he would be happier to go back to live with his mother. He said this is what he wanted, so I let him go. Since
then he got in lots of trouble with the law and has no respect for authority. I sort of feel guilty for how he is,
but then again I always tried to do my best to be there for my kids. In 2009 my son came back to live with me
to sort out his life, I was secretly living a double life as well at the time which he knew nothing about. But then
he started using me and stealing from me, and also telling me many lies about what he was really doing at the
time. He said he was working, but had no money, he also reckon that he was doing his community service to
pay back his debt to society for the crimes he committed. None of this was true & he was playing me for a fool.

But these are not the only sacrifices I have made for my kids - all my life I have fought with my GID &
have wanted to transition, but once my kids came into the picture I always put them first. In 2007
I started to think abut gender transition again, but I wanted my kids to all be over the age of 18 yrs
before I came out and told them. My youngest daughter turned 18 last year so I began my journey.
My kids have all rejected me after all that I have tried to do for them. This was also to be expected as
well because I knew that both the mothers of my kids were vindictive enough to use this as a reason to
turn my kids against me. If they get the chance to take a swipe, they never fail to disappointment me. :heehee:

But I figured that my kids were at an age where they can start to work things out for themselves. So far
there has been no acceptance yet by my children but I stay in touch with them through the internet. I
hope that one day they wake up to themselves about how unfair & selfish they have really been towards
me, when it is only too obvious that I have made so many sacrifices for them right throughout their lives.

[Rianna Humble]

Not really sure which options you are talking about keeping open. Like Pamela, I have given up self-loathing, fear, anxiety, being a social outcast and repeated plans for suicide in favour of keeping open the option to live, to know that I have real friends and to finally allow myself to be the real me.

I certainly cannot say that I have avoided national recognition as my face was plastered over one of the highest-selling gutter press papers in this country together with a very biased report about my transition which was designed to make me an object of ridicule but only served to increase the support from the community where I live.

I agree with Kaitlyn that it is not necessarily the best strategy to make others seem more valuable to your employer than you if you are considering transitioning on the job.

[Stephenie S]

I gotta go with Rianna on this one.

Just what are your "options" that you are keeping open by hiding yourself and your work? Options for what? Options to transition? OK. You can keep THAT option open all your life. And guess what? It will never happen.

Transition is a VERB. You have to DO it. Transition requires action. It's the only way (DUH).

Stephie

[Teri Jean]

When my life changed with the sudden passing of my wife I gave up my position within the American Legion. As a District officer being groomed for the position as District Commander I in a way walked away. I have been a key individual within my home town for many years as well at work (28 yrs) My transition has been a very visible transition within my town and work. There has been no hiding here.

[AKAMichelle]

I think that hiding or restricting your options is allowing yourself to live only a part of your life's potential. It seems at least to me that some of the most successful transitions are the ones that don't run from their past. I know that their are reasons for both, but when you leave your good paying job you take with it some of the very resources that you will need as part of your transition.