Advice please?

[Windy]

Nothing too special here XD.

I'm questioning whether I should transition or not.

Hrm, I suppose I feel more or less comfortable as a guy--mostly. There are times when I wished I was different, and I try to act a little feminine, but sometimes I do find myself wondering if I would be happier as a girl. As silly as it sounds, I'd LOVE to do all the stereotypical girly things, like going shopping and returning with a hundred bags, staying up all night and gossiping, painting my nails...etc. When I was small I wanted to be a princess. I must admit to also fancying a great number of guys (although I like girls too; and I'm clever enough to realise that gender has nothing to do with sexuality), and finally when I picture my wedding its almost entirely with myself as a perfect, wonderful bride being married to a handsome, masculine gentleman.

Then again, I do know that you can't just "decide" to be a girl, and that the majority of transsexuals feel trapped by their own gender, which I do not. Being girly also =/= being female. I might pass in pictures, but in real life its going to be more difficult, not least with my height (6'3''). My family also doesn't seem ready. I've been a guy for 20 years and never ONCE said that I felt like I wanted to be a woman (though I've had CD urges since I was about 14), and I'm not willing to risk losing friends and relatives during a transition--which is my real reason as to why I feel shaky on transitioning. I wouldn't want to make a mistake and realise that I am now a strange-looking woman for the rest of my life with few friends and little in the way of supportive relatives.

Any advice?

[juno]

Transition is a difficult process. Just feeling that you would prefer the other gender is not enough. You have to want it enough that all of the risks are not as important as the need to change genders. I think that if you are not certain, then you are not ready. Of course, many people fear crossdressing in public but then are incredibly happy when they do.

Your uncertainty is why they usually want people to live as a female for a while and come out to friends and family before starting the commitment of HRT.

[Wendy_Marie]

Best advice would be to get into Therapy and sort through your feelings....in the end no one can tell you yes or no but yourself...and while for some there may be little doubt this is what they need...for others the decision is not always so easy.

[Teri Jean]

Windy, it sounds like you need to talk to a gender therapist. First off they are there to help you sort through your feelings and help you decide what you want and need. They will not push you into anything you don't want. I would find one close by and try a few sessions. Just don't run before you walk, take your time. In the meantime you have many here that will answer your questions and give their help. I wish you all the best.

Teri Jean

[Eryn]

It looks to me as though you have weighed the pros and cons and found transitioning to be not for you at this time.

Remember that transitioning is not the goal of everyone who is TG. The great majority of us are satisfied being our birth gender and occasionally presenting as the opposite gender. We're skimming the cream of the feminine experience. To transition means that you've given up the safe haven of your birth gender and will live as your adopted gender with its good and bad traits. This isn't something to be undertaken lightly.

[shapeshifter]

Your uncertainty is why they usually want people to live as a female for a while and come out to friends and family before starting the commitment of HRT.
http://transgirldiaries.com/comics/2010-04-10-09.jpg (http://transgirldiaries.com/?p=955)

Despite the recommendations (made without consulting trans people) of the medical establishment (mostly white men who are not trans), there is no one-size-fits-all method to transition. Many transsexuals believe the real-life experience to be little more than institutionalized hazing, designed to protect society from trans people (by discouraging all but the most determined, passable, and gender conforming from transitioning), rather than trans people from themselves.

You don't have to do things in that order. A large number of trans people don't tell their families until they have been on HRT for a while and are about to go full-time. Some don't tell them until after being full time for a while. A few don't tell them ever. Plenty of people go on HRT without ever presenting as their target sex, and only present once they no longer pass as their former gender and are thus ready to go full time. But if you do want to come out and do the RLE first, there's nothing wrong with that either.

I'll just repost this little paragraph I wrote:

There is such a huge diversity of trans women - something that took me a lot of time on the Internet and some trans conferences to realize. On the "transformation fetish", you can relax. Plenty of trans women like transformation fiction. And a significant fraction of trans women were once aroused by women's clothing. Hell, a significant portion of cis women are aroused by women's clothing, by feeling attractive. Wanting to feel attractive - soft skin, curves, etc - is a pretty generic female trait anyway. When it comes to gender expression, some trans women are butch, some dress pretty but act like tomboys, and some are total girly girls. Some trans women are gentle, some are rough and tumble. There's really room for every personality type. And I'll just throw it in here, there are plenty of gay, straight, and bi trans women (it's actually approximately a 1:1:1 ratio between the three, interestingly enough). So honestly, forget gender stereotypes. No cis woman satisfies all of them, so why should every trans woman? The thing that truly matters is how you feel about your body.
To further elaborate, not all trans women hated being male. Hell, some of them don't even hate their penis. But I'm pretty sure liking being female better is a requirement.

Transition is hardly one, large irreversible step. Female movement and voice are the opposite of permanent. Facial hair removal is a convenience for any man, especially a cross dresser. Even HRT usually takes many months before permanent changes occur. And you can start with just testosterone blockers. If you're really a man, you'll hate the mental and sexual changes of HRT long before the physical changes occur. Anything short of coming out or surgery is pretty much reversible. At any of these points, you can bail if you want. So exploring these things is an option.

I think you could have a successful transition if you so choose. Judging by your avatar, I think HRT could work wonders - your face doesn't look so bony that you'd need surgery to pass. The effects on younger people tend to be miraculous. On YouTube, there are some AMAZING examples of this - they can be found by searching for transition slideshows. There are trans women who happily transition when 6'3", so that's not an insurmountable barrier. I can try to put you in contact with a few trans women around that height if you wish. As for family and friends... They are important enough for some people to not transition. However there is the danger that the transsexual feelings will come back stronger and you'll have wasted your young and pretty years being a man - and if you pick up a wife and kids, you will be hurting them when you finally transition. Besides, do you really want to let your family have that much control over your life? It's food for thought.

On the other hand, maybe you are a feminine man. Have you heard of the "princess boys" - i.e. little boys who love pink and the princess craze - who have been making the news recently? Feminine straight guys exist as well as feminine gay guys. And many women LOVE feminine guys, once they try them out. Or you could be gay or bi, it doesn't matter. Despite violating the macho gender stereotype, feminine men tend to be well-liked. I was sure surprised when people liked me more as I became a girlier boy. Many masculine men are assholes. Many feminine men are a lot more pleasant.

Some people even identify as bi-gender. They alternate (usually on cycles on the order of weeks or several days) between genders. Some take enough hormones to sort of reach an in-between state. IMO Paul/Brin of bigender.net (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O84MBR8KiE8) explains it quite well.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Windy, I would echo what the majority of people have said - you should start talking to a good therapist who has a reputation for helping transgender folk.

If you are wondering about doing the typically girlie things, why not try it out. Loads of cross-dressers take a week-long holiday and spend the time dressed and engaging in typically feminine behaviour then go back to their day job at the end. For some, the novelty wears off long before the end of the week and others love it so much they can't wait for the next time.

This could be a compromise first step short of coming out to friends and family before you are sure that you need to transition and would be a much safer way than starting out on mind-altering drugs and hoping for the best as some might suggest you do.

The fact that you have not yet mentioned the need to transition to your family does not mean that it is not there, simply that you have not mentioned it. In my opinion, if you are not willing to lose any friends through transition, then I don't think that you are ready for such a drastic step (although I could be wrong). You may not lose any or you may lose some, but you need to be prepared for the possibility.

Some people suggest that to help you make up your mind you should list the pros and cons and see which list is longer, I would not do it quite like that, since there are usually a lot of reasons not to transition but not all of them have the same importance. I would want to split each side of the list into those that matter and those that are not so important. Then if you see more cons that you cannot live with than pros you may want to reconsider.

But to me, the fundamental question that you need to answer for yourself and where a therapist would be very helpful is "am I a man or a woman?" - if deep inside you know that you are a woman, then sooner or later you will need to transition.

[Inna]

Hi hon, after reading your post and applying my knowledge of transgender psychology however limited nevertheless experienced provides fairly clear estimation of who you are at the moment.
Your approach to life in general is that of a male, and your attitude towards femininity seems playful and inquisitive but in the "fantasy play experience" realm.
Who is to say what underlying conditions are, residing deep within your subconscious, that can be only answered with therapy, but for now you will be fine CDing and exploring that facet of your life.

I do not detect desperation nor dysphoria, in fact your calm demeanor towards not transitioning seems to tell a lot about your psychological state, which seems balanced and healthy and masculine.
Fantasy you associate with femininity is typical of CrossDressers.

Realizing that womanhood is not all clothes shopping, makeup, painted nails, and dance clubs but rather filled with stuff of "life in general" section at grocerie store, such as heightened awareness of emotional content, being a girl is more complicated then any man can imagine (and man can't imagine much other then, fun, sweat, games and sex :))

So Crossdress to your hearts desire, and when time comes and you feel more then just a pose, seek out therapy just to sort things out, it is all but a dream anyway

[Jorja]

Windy, from reading your post it is clear to me that at this point in time, transition is not for you. You appear to enjoy the fantasy of becoming a girl but it is not a need for you. If you are unsure make an appointment with a gender therapist and find out for sure. Please allow me to try to draw a simple picture of what it is like to truly need to transition.

Let’s say transition is a piece of chocolate. You are a chocoholic. That piece of chocolate is the last chocolate on earth. That piece of chocolate sits on top of a pedestal in the middle of a carborane super acid (carborane superacid H(CHB11Cl11) is one million times stronger than sulfuric acid) filled lake and a menagerie weapons one could only imagine. You will do absolutely anything to get that piece of chocolate. It is all you can think of. Finding a way to get that piece of chocolate consumes you completely. You must have it. You will have it.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

There are lots of great answers..

I'm 6'2"..i didn't hate being male, i didn't think of it that way..
i didn't understand being male...i didn't understand why i was stuck as male...i was quite pragmatic about it until one day i wasnt ..and that was that...once i lost my defenses, being too tall was no longer an obstacle..i still wish i was shorter, but as a woman i can't change my height..and i deal with it.. in fact, i'm shocked by the people that come up to me and compliment me on my height.

You are challenged to separate out EVERYTHING else from the essential question..am i male or female? This is very difficult...

saying you can't afford it or i'm too tall, or i'm scared is different than saying you are not ts...
and the experience of the vast majority of ts people, it is something that basically eats you up until you deal with it....and its so BRUTAL to transition, that many people end up not facing it until the last possible moment..