Planning to go out:lots of fears

[PetiteDuality]

I'm planning to go out next week. I'm almost ready: the clothes, shaved all my body, a place to do my makeup... But I'm still scared.

I think that my fantasy is to pass as a real woman a blend. But since I'm not so passable, I was thinking about going to the gay district where there will be more acceptance and I will be just some other crossdresser. It's not perfect, I don't know what kind of environment will it be. I'm a bit afraid because I will go by myself.

I'm also scared of being recognized. This gay district has also some nice restaurants and discos, so I could possibly cross roads with somebody I know.

I'd really appreciate if you can share your "first time experiences" to learn a little bit more and know what to expect.

[Cynthia Anne]

When I was younger I visited 'those' places quite often! Never had a problem! I ran into friends that a few times that didn't know this side of me but still had no problems! Now I go wen I want and where I want! Hugs!

[Karren H]

Passing is over rated!! it's not how good you look. Its your attitude. If you project that you belong there dressed as you are... Than no one will give you a second closer look. Act like your trying to hide and every eye will swing your way... 95% attitude. 5% looks...

[PetiteDuality]

So, if I pick the right attitude I can have up to a passability factor of 95% :-)

[kimdl93]

I'd agree with Karren - if your goal is passing then you may be disappointed, but if you go out to be yourself and enjoy the company of others, then you'll have a great time.

Regarding gay establishments, I wouldn't assume that there will be other CDrs present. I've been to several gay bars and restaurants and without seeing another cross dresser. still, its likely to be a far more comfortable and accepting crowd.

As for encountering people you may know, well, that's just one of the risks we all have to face. it might make for some interesting conversation!

[Karren H]

So, if I pick the right attitude I can have up to a passability factor of 95% :-)

Passing as a crossdresser.... You go with the right attitude and your acceptance factor will be high.... Lol you won't get hurt except maybe a few stares... Personally I don't try to pass.... I go into a store enfemme like I own the place. Self confidence in who you are... And how you choose to dress.... No one has ever given me a problem. That said I pick my venues carefully.... Stay from where gangs of teens congregate.... Go to places where you have multiple avenues of egress... Common sense stuff.

[Kaz]

Where Karren is coming from is in taking control. If you are in control and confident it will work big time. When the cracks show, you are inviting attack. So be confident, stand your ground and be proud! You are who you are!

Another option is to do things a little more gradually...

[Cheryl T]

Just be confident ... that's the key. Passing is more a state of mind for most of us and it's accomplished by being confident in who we are and that we belong where we go, dressed how we prefer.

Step into the world and have fun.

[mymysterycd]

PetiteDuality, first of all I give you tons of credit for wanting to do this, if it's in you, then do so. Second, in order to deal better with your doubts I would take Karren Hutton's advice in great consideration because she couldn't have advised it more clearly and honestly...it's about how you feel and your self confidence that's going to make you feel better at the end. Think about this, let's say there's a crossdresser out there, who has the same issue and worries so much that she dresses down to her toe nails' deco...in her case, let's say she's really passable, looks adorable...but if she has no confidence, and is always looking for approval from the outside, she will always be concerned as she is out. It will only take the fall of her earring, her eyeliner smearing, or lipstick on her teeth, before she becomes a wreck on the inside. People probably are still impressed with her, but she may be so crushed inside because of her confidence that she may look for a hiding place or back to her place. Now, I've seen crossdressers in my area that are not passable at all, (not trying to offend anyone here just trying to make a point) and they carry themselves so well in their high heels, short dresses, or skimpy summer short, why?...because of how they feel about themselves. Do they think is wrong to be dressed the way they are even if they look like a man in drag with a few whiskers on their face, NO, they do the best they can to feel and look good for themselves! the rest is just that "THE REST!" Remember, people will give a rat's ass of how anyone looks when they have their own issues running through their heads and/or posses low confidence themselves. So don't think too much about the "OUTSIDE CRITTERS" just think about you, and how you feel when you step out. Go full force out there as Karren stated and experience it. If you go out at night, go where people frequent, adults mainly, but even the younger crowd have considerations...but of course, you have to take your local town in consideration...it may be different than my area which is more acceptable to the gay/cd crowd...but remember, you will always find someone that will be an ignorant, a critic, or a total bafoon...why? because we're humans! On a bad day I may offend the best looking girl out there, like on my best I may complement what may be to others as the ugliest individual. You see, that's just the way we are. So, if you do go out, treat yourself to a full dish of confidence, and experience it....what is the worst that can happen...a bunch of them will jump you like a scene from Night Of the Living Dead? Wear some headphones with some upbeat music, and just stroll around...remember, respect yourself before others will respect you! Best of luck lady, and sorry for blabbing away...Kisses...Lisa

[Inna]

I often hear girls here, who discount pass-ability to mere vague hick-up, but I know for me, in all honesty, presenting as I feel in my entirety is a paramount. I do not buy the nonchalant "I don't care" attitude, but feel that such attitude arises out of need to feel sane when the exterior will not allowed true self to shine. Self dillusion making our lives better and for a moment feel whole and true.

Otherwise why the charade of clothes and heels and god knows what else, if someone does not care why all the clothes, make up, wigs, etc.????????????????????????????????????

Said that, regardless of the passability factor, gay friendly areas will be better LGBT friendly clubs even better, there you might find like minded girls or boys who would love to get to know you and perhaps show you more of what that area has to offer. I know because my self esteem went straight up after going to the local LGBT places, first very reserved but slowly stronger and more open. Go for it girl, have a tremendous time being your self :)

[Amanda22]

Passing is over rated!! it's not how good you look. Its your attitude. If you project that you belong there dressed as you are... Than no one will give you a second closer look. Act like your trying to hide and every eye will swing your way... 95% attitude. 5% looks...

This is so true! It can't be emphasized enough. I've proven both aspects of this theory many times. The same goes for when I'm dressed in male mode and want to do some feminine shopping. If any of the clerks ask if they can help, I tell them I'm shopping for myself and ask them for direction if I need it. No one has ever been shocked, repulsed, or anything but positive, and while I give them some measure of credit for acceptance, I know that it wouldn't have happened if I cowered in fear. Just act like you belong and you will. Thanks for your comment, Karren.

[PetiteDuality]

It seems easy for many of you that are just gorgeous. But I'm very far from it!


Anyways, I will try and will let you know how it goes.

[Karren H]

It seems easy for many of you that are just gorgeous. But I'm very far from it!


Anyways, I will try and will let you know how it goes.

Don't look at me! I'm no where near gorgeous!! You should see my makkeup bill! I just don't post my "guy in a dress" photos! Lol

Go to the mall and see how many women fall into the perfect "gorgeous" category... Its a pretty wide range so if you can slip into that range and project confidence then your there!!! Nothing wrong with coming of as a well dressed confident crossdresser!! Nothing imho.

[docrobbysherry]

Good luck, PD! Just remember, u have nothing to fear but FEAR ITSELF!

And, villagers with torches and pitchforks! Also, I try to stay away from small children. Their incessant screaming hurts my ears!

[Wendy_Marie]

Good luck, PD! Just remember, u have nothing to fear but FEAR ITSELF!

And, villagers with torches and pitchforks! Also, I try to stay away from small children. Their incessant screaming hurts my ears!

Don't forget to include the groups of savages known as Teenagers......docrob

[Karren H]

Don't forget to include the groups of savages known as Teenagers......docrob

That's why I carry my hockey stick in my vehicle....

[Wendy_Marie]

That's why I carry my hockey stick in my vehicle....

Do they make a portable one with an extending handle that you can carry in a purse?

[Karren H]

Do they make a portable one with an extending handle that you can carry in a purse?

You just need to get a new purse. http://nov1.m.yahoo.net/nov10/wlx.guhtXKHTw2LTfVM2tw__/1316017315/nov_ses_id019_26561316017282430/YONO_0/img.inlinewarehouse.com/ProductImages/WTSB.JPG?NOV_EVT_SPE=8

[Lynn Marie]

Going out on your own and by yourself is just about the scariest thing I can imagine. Adrenaline will be pumping through your system in gallons. It will be very, very hard to be relaxed and confident. You'll probably be as jumpy as a cat. If you get through the first excursion, it will be easier the second time.

Why not take advantage of this forum and attempt to make contact with other CDers in your area who are already out. We are always looking for new recruits in the group I hang out with. We're pretty extroverted though. Also if you do get out to a LGBT club, don't be afraid to ask the bartenders or servers if other CDers ever frequent the place. You might be pleasantly surprised at how many of us are lurking just slightly under cover but ready to get out and party.

[Annaliese]

I have not been out for some time, In October I am going to a conference and going out in the evening having plans with some girl in the area. I have some fears also because my boss and other I know will be at the some conference. This is like the first time going out the same fears. The first time I had another girl come to my room and get me. This time I am going to have to walk out of the room and out by my self to meet the other. Sun glass for sure and not over dress is my plan.

[PetiteDuality]

Thank you all for your comments!

My fear is not to look perfect. The thing is that no matter what outfit I choose, My upper body always looks male and grotesque.

I don't mind even to be read, considering that I will be going to a LGBT firendly place, but I'd like at least to look pretty, and a bit feminine.

I like Lynn Marie suggestion. Any other girl in Madrid? :battingeyelashes:

[Kristy_K]

I myself just started to go out because I have decide to transition. I don't consider myself passable in a lot of ways. I am tall with big hands and a male voice. Like Karren said attitude goes a long ways . I turn heads when over 6ft. female walks in to the restaurant. They look but don't really stare. Have a good attitude and be happy and they will love you.

[kristinacd55]

As I just said in another post, it's all between our ears whether we pass or not. It's a scary scary thing going out the first time in public but so much fun! You'll get addicted real quick believe me. It's just a matter of confidence

I went out for the first time in February to a support group meeting, then started going to clubs. Went out last Saturday night again, and of course it's among other tg's so I fit right in....

[stockingslace1]

Wish you best of luck.Try going shopping at Womens clothing store all dressed up first to gain courage

[stockingslace1]

First time experience was when I went to nail salon dressed all up.The asian girls were very friendly

[cassandra54]

Passing is over rated!! it's not how good you look. Its your attitude. If you project that you belong there dressed as you are... Than no one will give you a second closer look. Act like your trying to hide and every eye will swing your way... 95% attitude. 5% looks...

this is so true. i went out twice a couple of weekends ago. granted i went later at night, first time to QT and the second time to Wal Mart. i took my time at wal mart and enjoyed myself. i really don't think i am that passable, but acting like i was helped. i think in some ways too, i've learned to make a girl face when i dress and i take lots of pictures when i get dressed and study them to see how i look. well enough of this, get your dress on and go girl.

[Kim Young]

Oddly enough I felt more self-conscious walking around in the gay district than walking around downtown. Perhaps that was because I really was just wandering. In other parts of town I have a purpose and I get to it. Most people are too absorbed in what their doing to notice you. So if you move around with a purpose, you'll just blend in or at least not stick out too much. Good luck.

[ashleymasters]

It never hurts to have a dry run, maybe go out in as a guy first to look around. When I'm unsure of where to go in a city. I try to find a good bar and talk to the bar tender. Have a few drinks and tip well, then say you plan to come back en femme and would really like if they could talk to some so you don't feel like a total loner. At a good bar the bartender no doubt has plenty of friendly regulars to introduce you to. It's helped me anyway.

[jillleanne]

You really need to realize, passing as a female is not what you need to concentrate on. Smiling is. Nothing can replace a nice smile. If you are worried about the nerves, just go to a grocey store/supercentre outside your locale, walk in, get yourself a cart, place your purse in the top, and start walking around. You don't need to buy a thing but this will give you the opportunity to walk about, etc. It also gives you a place to look at( shelves) if you think someone is looking at you for whatever reason. Browsing the shelves of a store gives you the opportunity to calm yourself and still be out in public. It's important you know, no gives a shit about who you are really, they're to darn busy trying to get what they need at the store so they can go do something else before the day comes to an end. And remember, people look at other people all the time, for no reason, so if someone looks at you, chances are, they're just looking, nothing else. All this is assuming you are dressed for the occasion and that fact cannot be emphized enough. If you go out dressed looking like a street hooker, trust me, you will be looked at and not with appproval. If you dress down a bit, no one will ever notice you. If you are dressed in heels, hose, dress, etc., in a location where most are dressed in sweats, t's, and sandals, attach a name tag to your outfit before leaving the house. It will give the appearance you are taking a break from or leaving work early just to pick up something. No one ever tries to read the name tag, they just notice it and make a false assumption. Works everytime.

[Kaitlyn26]

I'm planning to go out next week. I'm almost ready: the clothes, shaved all my body, a place to do my makeup... But I'm still scared.

I think that my fantasy is to pass as a real woman a blend. But since I'm not so passable, I was thinking about going to the gay district where there will be more acceptance and I will be just some other crossdresser. It's not perfect, I don't know what kind of environment will it be. I'm a bit afraid because I will go by myself.

I'm also scared of being recognized. This gay district has also some nice restaurants and discos, so I could possibly cross roads with somebody I know.

I'd really appreciate if you can share your "first time experiences" to learn a little bit more and know what to expect.

In the south, we have an old method for teaching someone to swim. You grab the child, and you throw them into water that's over their head. They either sink, or they swim. They almost always swim. Stop worrying about it. Find some water, and throw yourself into it. You'll learn to swim. :) If you do not have a genuine desire to go out, then steer clear of the "water".

[Stephanie47]

I limited my outings to night time. I'm six foot and 200 pounds, so I do not think I can go unnoticed during the day time. My first outings where I made a conscious decision to encounter humans and sub humans was at Halloween. The first Halloween venture I wore a black dress and strap on heels with a brunette wig. I went to a Safeway and bought a bottle of soda. Some young immature guy went hysterical. If it wasn't Halloween I would have been mortified. I wondered if it hadn't been Halloween whether or not he would have gone further than laughing. The next Halloween venture I wore a jade green and black dress and black heels and the brunette wig. I bought a doughnut at a Winchell's. The young female clerk said I looked really good. Batting 50-50. I wish there were places to go in my area that I would fit in. When I go out I take precautions to limit unwanted interaction. Tonight I'm taking a walk in a residential area.

1. I make sure my automobile is in working order and gassed up. I check all lights and turn signals.
2. I absolutely make sure I have not had even one alcoholic drink.
3. I wear a dress that is age appropriate for me and my grey wig.
4. I wear a pair of low heels that do not click on the concrete sidewalks.
5. I avoid walking along heavily traveled streets.
6. I choose streets that are primarily lit by houselights and older style low intensity street lights.
7. I actually carry something any potential thief would grab and run. No sense in having somebody stop and ask for your purse.
8. I choose school nights since the more obnoxious kids will be inside for the evening. But, I do not go walking so late that it would be unusual for a woman to be walking alone in the dark.

I know there are many of you who just burst out the door and hit the road. There are some of us who are satisfied with tiny steps. Since I dress en femme for the peace and tranquility it brings me, I do not need to be put in stressful situations.

[jillleanne]

And don't, under any circumstances, FORGET YOUR HOUSE KEYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Years ago I did just that and had to kick the door in. Not a pretty sight, nor was it fun trying to explain to my wife, why the door had a dozen screws in it that were not there when she went to work that morning. OMG the things I now remember doing, absolutely hillarious. lmao

[Nesreen]

There's a Candid Camera show over here where a chubby and Masculine man get dressed as a woman and does some nasty pranks with other people. He ALWAYS passes as a woman regardless of his masculine features :eek:

It just proves that you must be in character.. you must believe you are your feminine persona. I guess confident is key and of course never over-do being feminine it would look over dramatic.

I never got out of the closet so I can't even imagine how hard it is going to be. But I wouldn't take that step if I wasn't ready. No need to push it, take your time.

[Stephanie47]

[QUOTE=jillleanne;2600765]And don't, under any circumstances, FORGET YOUR HOUSE KEYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And, I always carry two sets of car keys just in case! But, I do that all the time. House keys? Since our backyard is secure I leave the rear entry door unlocked.

[PetiteDuality]

I'm sorry but I chickened out....

I noticed that it's not the passability issue. I just don't feel happy how I look, if I'm doing it in public.

I don't know, maybe all the reality of the streets dissipates the pink fog. I just don't feel happy enough with my presentation to go in public. I'll keep this all just to myself.

Thank you all for your nice words!

[linda allen]

[QUOTE=jillleanne;2600765]And don't, under any circumstances, FORGET YOUR HOUSE KEYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And, I always carry two sets of car keys just in case! But, I do that all the time. House keys? Since our backyard is secure I leave the rear entry door unlocked.

I have a spare set of keys in one of those magnetic boxes that stick to the underside of a metal part of the car. Metal parts are getting harder to find on cars these days!

[linda allen]

.............. All this is assuming you are dressed for the occasion and that fact cannot be emphized enough. If you go out dressed looking like a street hooker, trust me, you will be looked at and not with appproval. If you dress down a bit, no one will ever notice you. If you are dressed in heels, hose, dress, etc., in a location where most are dressed in sweats, t's, and sandals, attach a name tag to your outfit before leaving the house. It will give the appearance you are taking a break from or leaving work early just to pick up something. No one ever tries to read the name tag, they just notice it and make a false assumption. Works everytime.

As I read posts on this forum, I think that's the mistake many people make, dressing like a hooker and walking around their neighborhoods. Very, very few GGs wear four inch heels and a tight mini skirt when going for a walk.

That name tag idea sounds like a good one.

[carolyn todd]

there is all ways next time, if a women like me can go out after dark why can't you.
just getting out the front door was the hardest thing, almost two hours,but when i got OUT,
i did not want to go back in doors LIKE WONDERFUL PLUS 1,000,000,000,000,000 .

carolyn xx

[Miss Marshall]

Getting out of the house in en femme mode for the first time is just so amazing with the fear, excitment, anticipation and perhaps guilt in some cases, all in the mix. I can fully understand why you bottled it but like others have said there is always next time. It seems like there is loads of common sense advice here and a common thread is to plan things - make sure you have at least one exit and preferably more than one exit. The dry run is one idea that I have tried and one I would recommend. If I'm goping to venture out wearing anything femme at all I will always do at least one dry run Another sensible suggestion is to see if there are any like minded others in your locality who would be able to provide you with support.

I think that the issue of passing is a bit under rated here though. I would love to be able to pass and have a full female experience, to have all and sundry take me for and treat me like a lady (not just as a woman). Of course confidence is a major part of passing or perhaps I should say of being accepted. If one looks like a butch man in a dress then it will attact actual and imaginary attention. It seems to me to lead on that in this situation one will be over self conscious and nervous and that will attract further unwanted attendion. It kind of like an ever decreasing circle. The other side of the coin however is that one feels passable, One doesn't need to look like a beauty queen (and perhaps that would be undesireable with the attention it would bring) just normal. I also thnk that personality plays a big part in our sense of passing. Perhaps it is more difficult to have a sense of passing as an intraverted person than it is as a extravert - what do you think?

I do think that it is a good idea to do some 'in person' femme clothes shopping though. I do this quite a lot and whilst it is at first very nerve racking it gets easier and it helps one to learn that most people dont really care much.

My trips out en femme have always been of the dusk to dawn types when it is more quiet. I avoid main roads when possible though I almost always seem to meet a dog walker or such. They might give me a look but I can take that.

My last trip out was the best. Had been working in North Yorkshire near the coast. I have been there a number of times on business so I knew the area. Still did a reccy though and checked the tide times - didn't want to have to be rescued and make the next days papers!!!. Picked dusk as my time and waited in my drab clothes until the beach was empty then changed to femme clothes under a fleece blanket in the car. Dressed full en femme - skirt, blouse, femme flat shoes, breast and hip forms, earrings. Scrambled down to the beach and had a long walk and paddle in the sea. Confidence rate was through the roof, a whole beach to myself and I will definately do this again - my ultimate en femme experiance - including the several hours drive home still en femme. Magnificent.

PetiteDuality, take care and don't give up.

Anne-Marie