Momarie
09-13-2011, 07:17 PM
I received a private message from a member "a very curious married cross dresser with a very supportive wife" whose words stopped me in my tracks because I really did believe they came from a good place with a kind heart.
So, I took a real long look at myself.
Doubt seemed to have been cast on my even being here.
It was not the kind of post to reply to without looking within.
I cautiously and carefully responded.
I'll be the first to admit, I am a hard nut to crack, I am defensive, very private and come across at times like a bitter bitch to those that don't know me or who dumb down what a woman really is.
But I am trying to loosen the reigns, it's true if you chain and lock up your heart you can protect yourself from pain but I realize you will also lose out on so much warmth and love.
So I shared not only the long term relationship that brought me here in the beginning and our struggles but a very painful traumatic experience in the last year as well.....
It's hard to condense your life in a few lines in a post but I really believed this person came with good intentions meaning me no harm, looking only for understanding with his wife in the way I express my views.
So I looked hard and found somethings I didn't like to see.
I bared my soul and hurt.....
and it meant nothing........absolutely nothing.
What I feel meant nothing, it was all about an agenda and transference of what was held against others now onto me.
Buddy, here is the thing, my only choice now is to turn it over.
You taught me nonetheless and I learned a lot about myself through this exchange.
Maybe not what you intended but I thank you all the same.
You can hide behind being "curious, wondering, wanting to educate yourself and my mis-understanding etc."
But I understand you.......and feel compassion.
There are so many sweet souls here and they teach me too.
So, I took a real long look at myself.
Doubt seemed to have been cast on my even being here.
It was not the kind of post to reply to without looking within.
I cautiously and carefully responded.
I'll be the first to admit, I am a hard nut to crack, I am defensive, very private and come across at times like a bitter bitch to those that don't know me or who dumb down what a woman really is.
But I am trying to loosen the reigns, it's true if you chain and lock up your heart you can protect yourself from pain but I realize you will also lose out on so much warmth and love.
So I shared not only the long term relationship that brought me here in the beginning and our struggles but a very painful traumatic experience in the last year as well.....
It's hard to condense your life in a few lines in a post but I really believed this person came with good intentions meaning me no harm, looking only for understanding with his wife in the way I express my views.
So I looked hard and found somethings I didn't like to see.
I bared my soul and hurt.....
and it meant nothing........absolutely nothing.
What I feel meant nothing, it was all about an agenda and transference of what was held against others now onto me.
Buddy, here is the thing, my only choice now is to turn it over.
You taught me nonetheless and I learned a lot about myself through this exchange.
Maybe not what you intended but I thank you all the same.
You can hide behind being "curious, wondering, wanting to educate yourself and my mis-understanding etc."
But I understand you.......and feel compassion.
There are so many sweet souls here and they teach me too.