Cause of shame and guilt?

[Stephanie Kay]

Can any of you think of any specific incident when you were young that caused you to feel ashamed and guilty when you crossdressed? I'm amazed that I can't think of anything specific in my childhood but still I somehow knew I was doing something forbidden that led to my lifelong guilt and shame. I was never caught. No one ever sat me down and told me I shouldn't wear girls clothes. None of the ten commandments seemed to forbid it! I never heard a teacher or priest or anyone talk about it. And still my guilt and shame seemed to start right from the beginning--right from the first time I tried on my Mom's panties. Where did that come from?? Any ideas?

PS. My guilt and shame rapidly decreased when I came out of the closet 10 years ago and now is maybe 2 on a scale of 1-100.

[Katiegirl]

When my first wife found out and in the ensuing years until we divorced, she made sure that she put me down at every chance.

It took me until last year, to get over the guilt feelings I had on cross dressing and I still will not come out to friends, as I fear perhaps wrongly the same reaction.

I have been to some TG meetings that have also helped me, together with this forum.

Mind of a Woman, Body of a Man, Life is a Bitch

[Jamie M]

Proabably not the sort of answer that you want but as a youngster I hid all my clothes in my bottom drawer. During an arguement with my older brother one day he tries to end it with "Shut up or i'll tell mum about all your clothes in your bottom drawer!"

Well seeing as my parents found out by other means about two years earlier this attempt at blackmail didn't quite have the effect my brother was looking for ;)

Do you know what though , like you , i can't recall a single event that made my feel guilty. I think it's just a general overall feeling that what you're doing isn't normal that makes you feel this way

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Stephanie,

I guess my situation is the same as yours. I really can't think of why I always felt so guilty about what I was doing, especially since it gave me so much pleasure. After 40 years or so, I never got caught, no one had a clue. It just sort of started, I guess, but I sure don't know why.

Since I told my wife and others this year, I no longer feel that way at all. I think finally being able to go out in public has helped a lot, it makes me feel free. I don't advertise that I'm tg and dress, but I don't go out of my way to hide it either.

GypsyKaren

[Sarahgurl371]

I think maybe it might be that I started using my Mom's clothing. But her being the only female in the house, what else could I do? Later it was from hiding it from friends and my wife, which I trying to rectify at least with her. My parents are very non judgmental so they are cool with Tammy.

I do however find myself feeling guilty about not telling friends / co workers. There just seems to be so much negative thoughts towards people who are different, and that really bothers me. Would it help them to be accepting of different people if they knew I was "one of those"? Probably would just loose some friends huh? I think I feel guilty about not telling them because my wife says that I was dishonest with her about this CD stuff.

[urban gypsy]

Only ever felt same and guilt when wearing mums, sisters or wife's clothes, but now I have my own wardrobe of clothes I don't seem to feel that way any more.

[Holly]

Just some food for thought... could the guilt/shame stem from the fact that so many of us feel as if we have to hide this part of ourselves from family, friends, and society in general? It is indeed unfortunate that so many look only at the outside and will never have the joy or the pleasure of knowing the complete person that we are. It saddens me no end that many people I have genuine concern and feelings for will never know the complete me simply because, to paraphrase Jack Nicklson in, "A Few Good Men" they can't handle the truth.

[urban gypsy]

Holly I think you have hit nail on the head and never a truer word has been spoken.

[alice-elliot]

I have no shame and guilt.
I enjoy what I do I do in my own privacy - if I get found out I would still not suffer either shame or guilt. My friends are good enough that if my 'secret' came out they would not care, they would not hold it against me, they are my friends regardless of what/who I am - be yourself and **** all the others.

Stephanie - I agree with you - after a while it's no longer an issue - you are what you are. You have to get on with it with no guilt attached - my guilt factor is 0 out of 100. It's me.

Does this sound selfish ?

[ChrissyCrossedLegs]

The nearest I can come to this is rather deep and I feel a little strange sharing this as its my very first reply to anyone.. oh well...
I dressed from aged 7-8, all the way through my childhood.. mum's stuff. blah blah.. and there were times when I felt different, but no one ever caught me, although it got very close a few times.
Trying to cut mega long story short.. I was a real ladies man as a 17-20 yr old.. could dance well.. etc etc. but. and this is the one.. until 19 I was a virgin.. and even then it wasn't ecactly earth shattering. Met this girl about that time.. head over heels in love.. but could not make love to her.. get to 'the moment' and droopsy...

How does this relate to the question.. well.. she knew nothing about my dressing.. but in my head I was starting to think that the reason it wouldnt work for me was that I was gay, and this was probably true because I dressed as a woman so much!.. (this is middle 1980's btw.. no internet, no talking blah blah, no one in my life knew).. eventually one night in front of both my parents the two of us had a row.. over the sex.. because she thought it was her fault...
I can quote you almost word for word what I said in front of them all... and I didn't take a breath.. ..
" Jane it's not you its me, I think I am gay.. no don't look at me like that, you dont know me, none of you do, you dont know what I do, what I do when no one is here (parents house), I dress as a woman, a lot.. and I love it.. so that's why I cant have sex with you.. it must be."
Guilt.. oh yeh... stunned silence.. you better believe it...resolution to problem.. not exactly.. single life followed.
All the best
SammyJo

[Stephanie Kay]

Just some food for thought... could the guilt/shame stem from the fact that so many of us feel as if we have to hide this part of ourselves from family, friends, and society in general?

Holly,

But where or how did we learn we had to hide it? Where did that feeling come from? It must have happened at a very, very early age--at least for me--because I don't remember when, where, or how I learned that I had to hide it? Hm-m-m-mmm?

[Stephanie Kay]

Hi Stephanie,

I guess my situation is the same as yours. I really can't think of why I always felt so guilty about what I was doing, especially since it gave me so much pleasure. After 40 years or so, I never got caught, no one had a clue. It just sort of started, I guess, but I sure don't know why.

Since I told my wife and others this year, I no longer feel that way at all. I think finally being able to go out in public has helped a lot, it makes me feel free. I don't advertise that I'm tg and dress, but I don't go out of my way to hide it either.

GypsyKaren

Yes, GypsyKaren, I agree. So why did this happen when we were older (quite a bit older in our cases!;) ) instead of when we were just beginning? Maybe it had to do with a fear of losing the love of those near and dear to us?? Now we are older and either love ourselves enough or have a person or two in our lives who love us enough that we don't have to be afraid anymore?? Maybe? What do you think?

[obsessedwithpantyhose]

i was 12 and mom caught me in my sisters pantyhose,,, i didnt feel i was doin anything wrong or hurting anyone,,, but mom sure made me feel like a big pile of shit

[Holly]

Holly,

But where or how did we learn we had to hide it? Where did that feeling come from? It must have happened at a very, very early age--at least for me--because I don't remember when, where, or how I learned that I had to hide it? Hm-m-m-mmm?Stephanie, please forgive me for not elaborating a bit more earlier. I think we learn to fear those things that are considered "different" at a very early age... be it race, sexuality, ethnicity, or anything else that is considered a deviation from the "norm." Rather than risk being the recipient of others intolerance due to their fears, we tend to protect ourselves by keeping those things hidden away. Hope this helps.

[Khriss]

..ridicule..where to start realy ?
self doubt...plenty !
acceptance.. I'm finding some... here..and internet onward eh?
things do get better when you reach out....outside yourself... "K"

[Shannon]

At age 12 when I started dressing up in my mom's lingerie, somehow I "just knew" it was something to hide. So repeatedly dressing up somehow filled me not only with pleasure, but a bit of embarassment too. As I grew older and started hearing adult humor, cross-dressing and cross-dressers seemed to be the 'butt' of many jokes -- more shame and guilt. But all the pleasure, and escape from reality, that cross-dressing brought to me soothed a lot of other shame and guilt I was experiencing from various other aspects of my life.

When my ex-wife and I first separated (partly because she discovered I was cross-dressing after 20+ years of marriage), I started seeing a therapist and attending 12-Step meetings for sexual addicts. That's when I began to better understand all the mixed-up emotions I have about cross-dressing.

For me, it isn't so much a linear 'cause-effect' thing of dressing up making me feel guilt and shame, nor do feelings of guilt and shame cause me to want to soothe them with dressing up. It's more like a web of emotions and feelings and sensations that all-in-all, I enjoy, cherish, and treasure. That's one of the real "hooks" for me -- the multitude of emotions and sensations all coming together and swirling around inside me when I'm dressed-up, made-up, and looking, feeling, smelling, and acting like a woman. :)

[Kierci]

SammyJo, you had to have felt a little better getting that off you chest? Hey if nothing else now when/if you decide to tell your parents that your a CD if they get all pissy with you, you can turn to them and say "hey I told you years ago" So see you have already come out to your family anyways your just standing on the sill of the door waiting for the right shoes to take you walking. LOL

For me the guilt and hidding came after mom found her nightgown in my room and took it and told me to never touch it again, One night me and my brother played dress up waaaaaaaay back when he dressed up like my dad so I opt'd for (you got it) my moms clothes, I think that that was when I first learned about these AWSOME clothes I wear today.

[Helen MC]

No, I have never felt guiilt or shame over wearing female clothes nor have I ever indulged in the practice of "purging" that is throwing away my womanly clothing and stopping being a CD. Such ideas are totally alien to my psyche.

The only slight incident of guilt I ever felt was when I once took a pair of navy blue knickers belonging to a girl I fancied out of her school satchel one lunch break when I was at school. I later found out that she had got into trouble with the PE teacher when she didn't have her knickers to get changed into and had to do PE in the Gym in her White knicks and was given detention after school. This didn't stop me wearing that pair of knickers of course, but I did feel a bit guilty at the time and for a day or two that I had got her into trouble as she was a nice lass, and as I said, I fancied her.

[Tiffy]

Was always told by the men in my family that guys who wear womens clothes are gay. And that gays are not allowed to do the things we do. And that noone likes them or wants them around. And that if at anytime in my life I wanted to wear womens clothes that is was out of the question. But does happen from time to time with men who go thru the change of life as women do. Always thought this was all strange as I was not gay or old enough to go thru the change of life. So I have hid it since I was about 7 or 8. Along with hiding it came guilt.

Kisses, April

[gennee]

I only started CDing a few months ago. I have no childhood recollections. I am not ashamed or feel guilty about crossdressing.

Gennee:)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

It's funny when i dress, i feel anything but guilty...i feel totally relaxed and peaceful..

now that my wife and my mother know, and my wife is seriously considering the end of our marriage.. i feel alot of shame and guilt..i've been posting on these forums ALOT lately because all you gals are like minded and help me feel better about myself...yes i told my mom, but i cant tell her about the my shopping trip to Kohls or how the security guard thought i was a hooker ...and how exciting that was!!!...

its a pretty tough cycle...guilt, lonliness, shame,,,dress up like a girl, peace relaxation....go back to guy mode(99% of my time), guilt, lonliness...and so it goes

anyway.just my honest 2 cents