First meeting with gender therapist

[Maiko Newhalf]

Hi Girls!

I'm starting my first post in the TS forum. I'm new here despite having confused gender feelings for very long time. I do feel very transgendered but don't have the strong dysphoria as many of the girls had. That doesn't mean I don't have a problem with my male body and all those masculine features but rather I've been trained well to function as a male. I've also been in denial for a long time due to my family background and such. However these feelings are getting stronger and stronger (or rather awakening) lately to the point that they start to both my daily life.

I have just met with my gender therapist last week for the firs time. She is the most experienced one in my town (unfortunately retiring) and has the reputation of red flag easily, which I don't mind since I want to make the right decision too. It is interesting that she asked me what my goal is and I said I didn't have a clear goal.

Anyways, I've lurking for a while and think I'll start to post more. I've been thinking about writing my stories down but just too lazy to get started. English is another hurdle to me. :-)

Rose

[*Vanessa*]

Good luck Rose.

from the Great White North :)
v.

[Inna]

Hi Babe, the road to understand through stripping all that isn't true is hard and paved with lots of events, some of happiness some painful but your visit to the therapist was a phenomenal step and undoubtedly wright decision. I wish you determination to uncover who you truly are, and life which definitely will become much brighter, able to finally see the wonders of this life in front of your eyes.

Love Inna

[prene]

great news.

I have a therapist and it has been good for me.

Still trying to figure myself out though. LOL

Who knows if I ever will.

[Melody Moore]

Hi Rose,

First of all welcome to this section of the forum. If you do start gender transition then remember
there is also the SAFE HAVEN (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?72-Safe-Haven-%28MTF-Transsexuals-Invitation-Only%29) where M-F TS members can discuss more private and sensitive issues
with our transitions. Also you can also post a journal there to document your transitional journey.

I also know how family can impact on our lives as transgendered or transsexual people,
but trust me it is much worse when you were born intersex and they forced you to be
something you were never meant to be, under a belief they could play 'God' with your life.

So if you want to talk about "Male Conditioning" then you will probably get a bit of feedback
from me. But it is good that you have come to realise that when you have gender conflict it
doesn't get any easier it gets worse. When we are younger it is easier to repress because
we are often so much more fearful about it and don't want to confront it. However as we get
older and our knowledge and awareness increases, so to does our desire to be set free from our
constraints. And that is when the real fun and challenges begin, which I am sure you are fully
aware of. So it sounds to me you are on the right path regardless of whatever the outcome is.

So goodluck and I look forward to reading more of your postings on this forum :hugs:

[renee k]

Hi Rose,

I commend you on taking the first steps to find a path to who you really are. That's what therapists are there for to help find the road to who you are. So please be open in your discussions with therapist. It may take a while to get there. But please pursue that course. Finding your trueself should be your goal. Once you do that, your therapist can open door doors toward that end.

Renee

[Stephenie S]

Good for you Rose. It's a rocky road, but the rewards are fantastic.

Stephie

[CatAttack]

Hi Rose, congrats on taking the next step in your journey! I hope you will find the answers you seek :)

[Maiko Newhalf]

Thank you gals for the amazing comments. That encourages me to maybe start to write more about my stories just using this thread.

My entire family (dad, mom, both grandfathers and most of uncles and aunts) are in the service (chinese of course). In China back then, most military personnels from one unit and their families will generally live together in one community. So my childhood pals are all from the same background. I don't have memories about my very early days (say before 5 yo) or at least they are so vague that I'm not sure if they did happen. What I did remember before 5 were mostly related to domestic violence, which I really prefer to forget.

Unlike perhaps most of the trans girls, I played with mostly boy toys when I was little, although I have many girl friends and enjoy being among girls a lot. I've been pretty bad at confrontation (still to this day) and was bullied quite some. Even boys who's smaller than me can kick my ass bcause I simply don't know how to fight back -- I worried about hurting them or something (how stupid :)). My father was very disapointed at me for this, you know, he's a tough guy and want his son to be the same.

And of course I tried on my mom's clothes. I've got so obsessed with them and would hide some of them under my pillow and kept them basically. When I was alone in the house, I would try on full outfits and when I looked into the mirror I saw a pretty girl. It's amazing in retrospect since I don't have make up and wig at all but still looked very feminie -- I could never pull that out anymore. I also picture myself being a girl a lot. We had a young English teacher at school. She's quite beautiful and sexy. While other boys simply admired her, I found myself often wanted to become her, like switching body or something. I also remember reading about SRS at around 11 or 12, in particular about how there's operation to exchange a MTF and a FTM's sex organs (of course now I knew it's just a made-up story), and thought it's amazing and want to do it. What else? Oh, since then I more than once thought about I was born as a girl or at least intersex, and get some kind of operations done to become a boy becase that's my parent's wish. I was fairly convinced about it at one point because I saw a fainted black line on my belly and thought that's the scar.

All of these happened before pueberty and somehow these feeling got weaker when pueberty hits. I don't know if it's the hormones which helped me suppress them. I just realized that I was a lot "normal" and that felt good too. I mean to be normal. However, I din't realize what that hormone was doing to me. Had I have the knowlege, I would hate it.

To be continued...

[Melody Moore]

Hi Rose, it was the same for me growing up when it came to dressing up and looking in the mirror,
I didn't need a wig and make up to look like a female - it became a curse to me as a teenager
and I was often confused for being a girl, or bullied for looking like a girl even dressed as a male.

Maybe you should get a chromosomal test done - I didn't find out I was born intersex until after
I started my transition last year & it has also caused me a few other issues which I will let you
know more about soon as I am planning to post a thread here that will explain more about my
intersex condition and the health complications that went along with it in more recent years.

So stay tuned I will give you a link to that thread after I post it. :hugs: