So torn inside

[Aimee20]

So as I have said in the past,I am blessed to have an extremely supportive SO but have felt very selfish lately regarding my gender issues. She has said multiple times that she will fully support me in my transition but she wants me to wait until we are married and have kids. I guess what makes me feel selfish is that waiting and continuing the lie as well as the thought of fathering children bothers me a lot... I don't know how to bring this up with her because I really can see us staying together but I just don't think I can put this off for that much longer.

I've brought up the idea of inveatro fertilization later on down the road but that idea didn't go over so well. I mean is it healthy to be in a relationship that is built around someone saying you can get what you want but I need to get what I want first?

[Stephenie S]

Dear Aimee.

I hate to sound harsh sweetie, but I think you are BOTH living in la-la land.

If you truly desire to transition, what on EARTH are you thinking about marriage and kids for? Are you insane? Perhaps that's too harsh a word. OK, are you just plain stupid? No you are probably not. So stop acting stupid.

You are a man. You say you are serious about transitioning. Into what? A father with two kids? Really? That's not much of a transition, is it? Oh look! you're already there. Now you can relax.

And you future wife? She plans to stand by you, now a father with two kids, while you transition into a woman? Is she insane? Or stupid? Probably not. But it certainly sounds like she isn't thinking very clearly about this.

MHO? Oh, it's not really very humble. But it's free advice and worth just about what it cost. Don't, don't, don't, even THINK about marriage and kids until you get you transition fantasies sorted out. You will suffer, your SO will suffer, and your future kids will suffer if you go through with this as unthinkingly as you seem to be. Therapy might help. Probably for the both of you.

S

[Jay Cee]

I'm in a somewhat similar situation myself, Aimee. I guess I would ask what kind of timeline you are looking at for transition, and how long before kids / marriage will arrive? Also, is your spouse thinking that if you two are married and have children, that it will stop you from transitioning? If so, does she realize that if you are not being your true self, you aren't likely going to be happy? And that your lack of happiness could very well wreck your relationship?

I struggle with similar questions as well. We have talked about it, and I have set a timeline for when I will go through the final stages of transition (if I go that far). It seems to have helped us both understand that there are things that I will need to do with my life and my body, in order for me to feel totally at peace with myself.

I wish you luck with this, Aimee. Chances are that there may be some heartache and pain before the dust settles. In the end, only you can decide what is right for you.

[Aimee20]

Thank you Stephanie for so adequately demonstrating why I don't post consistently. I did not post a question wanting to be called stupid, insane or anything of the sort. I posted because I assumed that in a forum created for transsexual people to discuss life issues that instead of hostility I would be able to possibly have a discussion and possibly think through some things before having a much needed conversation with my SO.

Jay Cee, I agree that a timeline is important. I turned 25 thispast summer and have thought a lot about when I plan to transition. I've started doing some minor things (hair removal) as I can. But as of now am preparing for my first meeting with a gender therapist. My personal timeline is to be able to celebrate my 30th birthday as a complete woman.

[Starling]

Aimee, I'm an olde farte, but even I know you two must seek counseling to sort out what you both expect from your marriage and family, given your intention to transition. You especially need to know if your SO truly understands what it means when you do transition--that your kids will have two mommies, and she will be in a lesbian relationship.

God knows I wish for you a happy, if unconventional, marriage, and a fulfilling partnership into your "golden years." Good luck!

:) Lallie

PS: After almost thirty years of marriage, I have just started gender therapy. I need your best wishes, too.

[Myojine]

I would never want to be the father. That's not a very "womanly" thing to be.

[Jay Cee]

I would never want to be the father. That's not a very "womanly" thing to be.

While I agree with not wanting to be a father (at least not in any conventional sense of the word), I have no issues with being a parent.

[Katesback]

I have to agree with Stephanie. The reason she is so for forceful is because your thought process is insane.

[Sharon]

I would never want to be the father. That's not a very "womanly" thing to be.

Personally, I think wanting children is beyond what is or isn't "womanly." I personally know female transsexuals who fathered children before transitioning and having surgery and each and every one of them wouldn't change a thing. I also know of some who had their sperm frozen and banked before surgery and they hope to be fathers at some point. Motherhood -- natural motherhood, that is -- is an impossibility at this time, but parenthood isn't.

Aimee, you shouldn't have children if you don't want them, but, being part of a couple, you and your wife need to agree on this if you are to continue your relationship. Resentment for either of you towards the other is a sure way to years of unhappiness. I suggest you find a good couples therapist who can honestly understand your transsexuality. Do it before you marry and don't be afraid of seeming selfish when it comes to something as serious as this.

Good luck! :)

[Myojine]

While I agree with not wanting to be a father (at least not in any conventional sense of the word), I have no issues with being a parent.

This, I'd love to be a mother of 2.

[ReineD]

waiting and continuing the lie as well as the thought of fathering children bothers me a lot

The most devastating issue for the GGs on this site is having been lied to. I know you are not lying about your wish to transition, but she does need to know that you do not want to father children. Also, does she fully understand that until you do transition, you feel as if you are living a lie?



I mean is it healthy to be in a relationship that is built around someone saying you can get what you want but I need to get what I want first?

Does your SO truly understand the ramifications of transition? Obviously I don't know her or your relationship dynamics, but if she sees you dressed only occasionally now, she may hear your words but assign her own interpretation simply based on her limited knowledge and experience. If you do change your mind about having kids, do you think she will be prepared to raise them with lesbian parents?

Often GGs will support and encourage the crossdressing believing it makes their SOs happy, without fully imagining the reality of being married to another woman. I can well imagine that a TS partner might take this as full support for transition. Sometimes people speak the same words, but assign completely different meanings to them based on their own points of view.

I like Sharon's suggestion to find a couple's counselor who is fully familiar with transition issues. How long has it been since you've determined that you are TS and not a CD?

[Amber99]

Sounds terrible to me, If you truly want to transition you should do it ASAP since the effects of hormones decrease drastically with age. Also having kids will cost so much money that it will make affording transition much much much harder.

You certainly aren't being selfish, you are the one who has to suffer trapped in the wrong body.

I think the reason some people reacted so harshly is because it's a shockingly bad situation. Seek therepy ASAP.

My 2 cents anyway.

[Nicki S]

When I started to transition, I was in a serious relationship with a great woman. She was supportive of my desires and was a tremendous help in showing me the womanly things I didn't know. Her and I both decided that we were going to grow old together, but we also agreed that a marriage certificate was not necessary for our longevity. Her words were that she would NEVER leave me. She was so deeply in love.
But as I progressed in becoming a woman, living 24/7 as Nicole, I believe that she started to see the reality of the word transition. The man that she fell in love with was not showing up anymore and she was now faced with living her life as a lesbian. I could slowly see and feel the changes in her, and the effects of my transition have caused. I think we need to remember that out transition is not just for us, but it is also for the people in our lives, in which the way that they see and view us.In the end, my transition caused the break-up of us. I was no longer the person that she first dated and fell in love with. She also came to the reality that she didn't want to live in a lesbian relationship.

[Aprilrain]

as of now am preparing for my first meeting with a gender therapist. My personal timeline is to be able to celebrate my 30th birthday as a complete woman.

Im happy to hear you are seeing a qualified therapist, your SO should have this person explain GID to her.

I think you should seriously reconsider starting a family under the conditions you describe! It does not sound like you or your SO fully understands the situation.

THINK ABOUT IT!!!
SHE wants to wait. Do you want to wait? Why are her desires more important than yours?

SHE wants to marry a MAN!!!! THINK ABOUT THIS!!!! she wants to get married to a MAN!!! a MAN sweetie she wants to wait so she can marry a MAN!!!!!! Then she is going to be ok with you transitioning???????? TRUST ME at the very least your going to want to BURN that wedding picture with you in a TUX Thats right sweetie A suit and tie or a tux with a bunch of groomsman while she gets to play BRIDE THINK THINK THINK!!!!!!!!!! Are you a woman? Don't YOU want to be the bride??????

SHE wants kids. Do you want kids and if so do you really want to be daddy? Marriage and children are not something one does to please another! (at least not successfully)
If you're not completely one hundred percent on board with HER plan for YOUR future this will end in disaster!!!!!!!

If your plan is to become a woman in the next 5 years then DO THAT you will be busy and you will need every dime you make between now and then! I think in that time your SO can then make an informed decision about wether or not she wants to be married to and have kids with a woman. Transitioning and THEN starting a family is always better in the long run

[Stephenie S]

Thank you Stephanie for so adequately demonstrating why I don't post consistently. I did not post a question wanting to be called stupid, insane or anything of the sort. I posted because I assumed that in a forum created for transsexual people to discuss life issues that instead of hostility I would be able to possibly have a discussion and possibly think through some things before having a much needed conversation with my SO.

Dear Aimee,

I apologise. Truely. I got carried away.

I was reacting to the lack of reality I read in your post. I was too harsh. I am sorry. Others have said what I meant to say far more politely.

Therapy is good, and essential, I would think, for you and your future wife. You may discover that neither of you wants just what the other does. Now is the time to figure that out.

Transition is something best done when you are young. The most successful transition occurs BEFORE puberty. Unfortunately many lack the needed determination and self awareness to effect transition when they are young. NO successful transgendered woman will tell you that you should wait. Not one! The longer you put this off, the harder it will be to accomplish. Having a wife and children complicates the situation a thousand fold. If you are seriously thinking about transition, DON'T get married. Period!

As I said already, you will suffer, your wife will suffer, your family will suffer, and your kids will suffer. Don't do it. Please.

Stephie

[Badtranny]

Good job April. I love how you were able to convey your strong opinion without sounding like a rancid bitch.

If only we could all be so considerate of one another.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Actually how about talking to dr christine mcginn?

She froze her sperm as a guy, met a wonderful woman, and last i noticed they are together with twins...

The keys are honesty with yourself, and honesty with your lover/spouse/wife

It's hard but not impossible.. my children are thriving even though their father is a woman...it is what it is...my transsexuality doesnt make me a bad parent, and in my opinion Aimee, your transsexuality doesnt preclude you from having a family..

that's the positive..

the negative is that as a person with experience..(or an old fart)...i can tell you that the path to success is very difficult...and you and your SO and you need to talk openly about it..and you need to test your feelings in a way that is easier said than done...

If her support is conditional on you staying male, then first off, you have to realize that no matter how much you promise you may find that you can't keep the promise..in fact, you will likely the find the promise to make your dysphoria worse..
If her support includes you transitioning, you have to accept that she may change her mind once she actually lives the life of a TS's SO.. She may deeply love and care, but may find that she is missing out on life and then she will feel trapped and lonely...

you also have to realize that your feelings will more than likely change...this is a big deal.. transition is change..your head will change and you may not even notice... and what you call love now may feel different to you a year into it...

As far as kids...freeze your sperm now.. there is no harm in it.. lots of people do it, and you will have the flexibility to decide later...the decision to freeze your sperm is purely financial (maybe a little emotional)..
you could transition at your pace, stay or don't stay with your SO, and yuo will always know its an option you have..who knows whats gonna happen..but keep your options open..

i think you are being idealistic and hitting a point that many people hit...

[Traci Elizabeth]

My case is one of the few successful ones and I do want you to know that with the right mate, all things are possible.

I have a daughter and grandchildren and they are a major part of my life. I would not change being a "father" or "grandfather" for anything in the world. Had I waited until after SRS and had not stored my sperm, I would never have had that wonderful experience that lasts a life-time.

My wife has always been 100% supportive even though she had to go through the grief of loosing her "husband," she nevertheless, is deeply in love with "me" the person. In the beginning, it bothered my wife that she would be thought of as a lesbian which she is not. Because of that she was not affectionate in public as she was when I was displaying as a male (i.e. holding hands, arms interlocked, or kissing in public, etc.).

Now, however, all of our new friends, church members, and acquaintances all think we are a lesbian couple. My wife no longer cares about the "lesbian" label and we are as affectionate as we ever were in the past whenever we are out. She makes no excuses or tries to hide the fact that we are two "married" women.

I could right a book about when it does work. And although I am the happiest I have ever been, I am a rare example.

So as others have said, the key to your future relationship with this woman is for both of you to be totally honest with each other, seek help when needed, and never try to "HOLD" your SO in the relationship. If she is truly in love with you the person not you the man, there might be hope for a life-long relationship.

If at some point now or in the future either one of you fall out of love or even if still in love but can't continue in a woman/woman relationship, then you must be willing to say goodbye in a loving way and move on with your life without her.

[Jessinthesprings]

Speaking as one who got married and had children... I would not recomend it. You may be more torn by your needs to transition and your SO's desire for a family, but think about how torn you will be when you realize that your child needs a father. My wife was fully supportive before we got married but, my son and my transition (more physically than anything) has changed her perspective on things.

Either decision should not be taken lightly, and I wish you the best of luck.

[Melody Moore]

That was my dilemma as well, after all the expectations to find a partner and settle down that were placed
on me everything just kept falling apart any time I tried. Then I found myself with partner's and kids that I
never really wanted in the first place, but felt compelled because that was what was expected of me. So I
mislead my partners to believe that I was a real man and from all appearances that was exactly what I was
to them when they first fell in love with me - I had the strongest of bonds with my partners and this is what
really freaked them out most of all - most men do not form the type of bonds with their partners I did and I
also managed to freak a few of them out because they did see signs of my female emotions and psychology
that left them totally confused and wondering what to make of me. But I never engaged in any type of CDing
when I was in any relationships except for one occasion when it was my girlfriend's idea to dress me up as
a women. But I dumped her a few days later because I didn't want to deal with all of that again.

I have 3 kids to 2 different women and all my kids now have some serious issues because of what
we as parents put them through. When every single one of my kids were born I was the happiest
'man' in the world and there was nothing more reaffirming to me to convince myself that I was a 'man'.

But in the grand scheme of things the birth of my children just made my life far more complicated
than it ever was before. Because then I had more expectations put on me with the duty and all
the responsibility for my kids that shackled me to having to be a man because I was their 'father'.

Don't get me wrong, I love my kids to death and would do anything for them. And now I blame myself
most of all for the problems they are going through because I feel that if I was totally honest with
myself and had done what my heart was telling me to do years ago at the age of 15 years old, then
none of this would have happened, but it did happen, so there must be a very good reason for it.

Well I have been scratching my head for the past day or so trying to figure out what that reason was
before I posted my feedback and I think that reason was that I had to go through what I did so I could
share my experiences as a gender conflicted person who now believe that I did the wrong thing not only
to myself, but also to my kids.

So I hope you take onboard the message I am giving you here... THINK LONG & HARD because which
ever way you go, then you have to live with the consequences of your own decisions and actions.
Don't take this lightly because your decision can impact on a lot of people, especially your own kids.