Are you afraid of yourself?

[Anne2345]

I am a crossdresser through and through. I love the act of crossdressing, and the fact that I am a crossdresser. I drink deep from the well of femininity, and bask in the glory of its afterglow. And in this, I am quite confident, self-assured, proud, and I would have it no other way.

Lately, however, regardless of my closet-dwelling status, I have performed certain acts that have “taken it to the next level,” if you will, that have left me somewhat concerned about the future. For example, I now shop for my own makeup in person at MAC. I do not hide the fact that the makeup is for me. I show pictures of myself en femme to staff so that the associates may provide better advice. And I have gone there wearing shorts with shaved (epilated, actually) legs, and open toed sandals showing off my painted toe nails.

Although doing this has truly been a wonderful and validating experience, this is something I would not have even considered doing just a few months ago. Moreover, prior to joining this forum in March, doing something like this wasn’t even on my radar screen. And yet, not only have I now performed this small act a couple of times, I have done so out of apparent necessity, where such necessity did not previously exist.

Do not get me wrong, I am happy that I have engaged in acts such as this lately. It certainly was not easy overcoming the fear and nervousness I felt in so doing, which serves to further emphasize the feeling of necessity I felt. But, if I have just recently developed a need to expand my so-called horizons in this manner, what will be next? I already now I want more. In fact, I believe I need more. And this has me worried . . . .

I am sure many of you have undoubtedly gone through similar experiences and feelings, or are going through such experiences now. How have you handled it? Were you afraid of yourself? Were you perhaps worried as to what the future would bring? Or did you just roll with the flow, while hopefully remaining mindful and cautious of any potential consequences and undue risk?

[JenniferR771]

Join the club Anne. I am afraid--but still having a good time. I (and many others) are blinded by the pink fog and find ourselves slidding together down the great pink slide. Gaining speed, gaining boldness, oblivious to the potential mud puddle at the end.

[Joanna41]

Well I'd have to say I'm not afraid of myself as much as I hate being read. Your story about your make-up buying Anne has led myself to want to do this as well. Your stories have been inspirational as well as thought provoking. While I have no desire to be female full time I do desire to be passable. Dressing for me is the ultimate challenge combining mannerisms, style, looks, confidence, and a host of other things. I may never achieve complete success with this but its been really fun and exciting so far trying.

Joanna

[Annaliese]

This site has let you grow, to become more of who you are. It is like going to college for the first time, one is nervous and concerned about the future and when they are about to graduate they go through the same thing, getting married go through the something. It is just part of life.

[suzy1]

What I think you are saying Anne is, am I in control of my desire to crossdress or will it go further than I would have wanted.
You say you are worried so you do seem to have a problem over your control of this part of your life.
There is only one person that can help you here, and that’s you Anne.
But if it helps we are all here to support you.
I just enjoy being Suzy as you know Anne, so I hope you will find your level of C,D,ing soon and enjoy this wonderful side of our lives without any worries.


All the best, SUZY

[Sara Jessica]

What you describe is a natural feeling which comes from you being fully aware of the ramifications of taking this thing of ours to another level. The difference between what you describe and "pink fog" is that pink fog is simply an excuse for poor choices made without advance thought about potential consequences.

As I have said before, I think you are on somewhat of a slippery slope where you are propelled by new experiences and knowledge. However, I truly believe your self-awareness will serve you well in controlling your speed, allowing you to take very measured steps as your wonderful journey continues.

[Diana Bain]

Hi Anne and welcome back. While you were gone I ventured beyond my front door for the first time after being a happy cd behind it for over
40 years. It's a wonderful experience...having my wife beside me helps a lot. I can say I crave the experience...it gives me a different perspective of the world. I do have the fears of being read, be the joy of being out...priceless!

[Vanessa Storrs]

I am going through many of the same things, I have become more 'out' as time has gone by. I have experienced no negative consequences. While there may be a potential for bad things to happen I agree with our former president, "The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself."

[Emily Ann Brown]

Am I afraid? No. The running joke is my neighbors think I have a crazy women living with me. So I don't have to lock my doors. She doesn't work so somebody is always home.

I remember when I was worried about the future. But sometime in the last 4 years it disappeared. And I am glad of it!

Em

[Holly]

Anne, enjoy the feeling! Change is the natural result of growth. It proves you are alive... dead things do not grow.

[TGMarla]

Good for you, Anne! That's great. Your closet isn't as closed as you once had us believe, or rather, it's opened a bit since then. As for me, I worry very little about where this is all going. I have made my most important decisions where it came to my transgender issues, and I'm content with them. Sure, it's a bit of a fluid situation, and things can change. But I'm not going out of my way to take things to any greater levels than I am at right now. This has brought me a great deal of peace of mind when it comes to my crossdressing, and that's a feeling I wouldn't trade for anything.

[Kate Simmons]

I would be more afraid of not being myself Anne, Now, THAT is scary. Namaste my friend.:)

[carhill2mn]

I am a little confused by the title to your post (... afraid of yourself). What you are experiencing is a normal progression of
feeling better about yourself. "Sit back and enjoy the ride"!

[Karren H]

Over the last 10 years I've become more and more fearless in just about all aspects of my life.... Which kind of scares me! Lol.

[Kittyagain]

Join the club Anne. I am afraid--but still having a good time. I (and many others) are blinded by the pink fog and find ourselves slidding together down the great pink slide. Gaining speed, gaining boldness, oblivious to the potential mud puddle at the end.

Well posted Jennifer. I am right there with you both.

The only thing I can add to this is to try making major decisions for the next step with Anne in drab. You may find that gives you more balance between your situation as a male and Anne.

Kitty

[Kathi Lake]

Am I in fear? No. Certainly not! Like you, my appetite is whetted by each and every experience. My wife, however, is fearful of where this will end up. She sees every little body modification (and taken as a whole, there have been plenty!) and wonders "What's next?"

She, like me, has seen a gradual tapering of both my experiences and my modifications. I have almost reached an equilibrium in my attempts to appear more feminine, and my attempts at appearing while feminine. It's not that I still have 'squares to fill' or anything like that. Rather is it more of a coming to terms on just who and what I am.

You will get there as well, Anne. This slip n' slide can indeed be a fun ride if, Like Sara said, you ensure that you are the one controlling your momentum.

:)

Kathi

[kendra_gurl]

The risk and limits you choose to place on your crossdressing is like any other aspect of your life. It's no different than someone who cheats on their taxes, cheats on their spouse, buys an investment property or bets on a football game.

You first must evaluate your risk and what you may lose against the temporary reward you receive. There is an old saying "you can get away with anything UNTIL you get caught", thats when you have to pay the piper.

[AllieSF]

Karren, as usual, makes a very good point. Being an older "Toot" than she is, I am in a very similar position and attitude as she is. I have totally accepted what I am doing as mine, as fun, and try to enjoy it as best that I can. I have reached a comfort level that has removed most fears and worries about me being me in my safe zones away from my home turf. That is good and I embrace it. However, and there seems always to be an "However" in life's happy moments, I too "fear" for what may come in the personal areas that I am letting slide that have nothing to do with my dressing. For the time being I have truly learned to go with the flow in a lot of different areas of my life, especially with my dressing and going out as Allie. True, it is much easier now since I do not work and have lived and experienced quite a lot during my life so far. I can say "Been there and done that" to a lot of situations.

In your case, based on your earlier posts and how you yourself say that you are progressing, not that you used those words, maybe growing within yourself would be better, I think that you are finding your way, experimenting, and analyzing the results. Please, just don't over analyze them because it is a waste of your precious time, and could lead to mental stagnation or turmoil, or both. I think the key to all this is to recognize and respect your fears, but do not hesitate to test them regularly to see if they are really well founded or not. As many have said here before, fear can be limiting and controlling, preventing one from doing what they want and maybe should do. You need to go at it at your own speed, which it appears that you are doing. One important thing is accepting who you are, embracing it and exploring it. One may admit that they are a crossdresser, or whatever. However, to truly accept it, to me anyways, means to not worry so much about it and just move forward including it in your life as best possible.

[kimdl93]

I've had a similar range of experiences in recent months...down to getting a makeover at MAC (although I was fully en femme). I didn feel that "need" to escape the boundaries (or bonds) of my own home and back yard. Before long, I was buying my first wig, and going out in public, and came out to my step daughter. I even posted my pic here!

I'm certainly mindful, if not afraid, that each of these steps has potential risks. I seem to be increasingly reconciled to the risks and enjoy the rewards of having greater personal freedom, and especially the opportunity to engage people as I truly am.

[Dawn cd]

I think that what we truly own, we want to share.

You, Anne, are owning your experience more and more. Happy for you, sweetie.

[Lynn Marie]

As with most fears, the fear is actually much worse than the reality. As you face those fears in life, they manage to subside to insignifcance. My greatest fear throughout my life was that my friends and neighbors would think I was gay! Now I couldn't care less. If you or anybody else wants to think that I'm gay, that's fine with me. I just don't care any more. It just isn't worth my spending any time at all trying to convince you that I'm not. Hell, maybe I am!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

I'm fully cognizant of the fact that I can't convince anybody of anything so who cares what people think? There's nothing I can do about it. Friends? I've got all the friends I can handle and many of them are CD's. Those who are not seem to like me just fine. Hell, I like me just fine too.

[Danni Renee]

I would say I am at a similar place as you (I even joined in March like you). I shop openly for clothes and makeup (though I do not show pictures of myself to SA yet). I wear clearly female jewelry out and I have started wearing makeup too. And I have never been happier. Like you, I want more and I know I need more. I am no longer fighting it. I am making plans for electrolysis and am actively trying to participate in groups with other CD/TG people as I move towards the future. I am not sure what that future is, but it is getting clearer - I think I want to live full time, and I think that is what I want. So I am going with the flow and seeing what happens.

Danni

[Sophie86]

I know where my hard limits are, and I don't worry that I'm going to wake up one day and want to cross those lines. The problem I have is that I fluctuate in my attitude towards things that fall well short of those limits, things that most of the time I really want to do, but then other times I freak out over them. My comfort zone keeps shifting.

[GingerLeigh]

The bar keeps raising, I have no idea how far this will go. The more I do, the more I want. Am I scared? D@#n right I am! Right now I keep my inhibitions near and dear because every little step I take forward reveals something deep in my psyche that I never admit to myself except in the most secret of dreams. It tells me more about who I am, and I am quite frightened by it. It's ok to "be yourself" as long as you're sure that's where you NEED to go. It's when you're not sure and people's lives are impacted...well...that is my fear. Too much at stake to experiment with the inner workings of my mind.

ginger

[BeckyAnderson]

Welcome to self acceptance and confidence in who you are! Enjoy it girl!!!

[*Vanessa*]

Each of seems to draw a line in the sand for ourselves. A line if crossed will threaten our individual existence. To the ‘straight’ cross-dresser it might be spending time with a dude and maybe not even in a sexual way, just alone/quite time. To a Transgender (an evolved term) it might mean thoughts of taking HRT. I don’t think those examples, including your own, are what’s nagging you. It is fear of the unknown really. We all get comfortable in our ways for whatever reason we have amassed a wealth of fem cloths and accessories (yeah). We start practicing our ‘walk’ even in oxfords or cowboy boots while in the malls, or to pick up some milk at the corner store.

When are minds mature we notice where we have gotten to by looking at the past (boom, oh my how did that happen?). If we have come this far in this amount of time, then oh my where will I be in a year or two. At the juncture we usually intervene with our own life by thinking we have control of destiny. We start to plan and stop living in the present possible in fear. I am not talking about ‘failure to plan’ thinking. I am talking about letting life happen, trust yourself, nothing will happen that shouldn’t.
I hear and understand your thoughts and recognize them as my own that is for sure. I am at that same weird and wonderful spot in time. Throughout the day my head screams my wants and desires. My emotions are at such a forefront in my mind I have to try sort fantasy from reality constantly. Things like “Am I a professional photographer or someone with too much time and no real job”. Or “How do I move forward without perpetrating and perpetuating the fact that I have not told the one person in the world that is helping me that I want to live as Transgender knowing that would be the end of your relationship (rhetorical for sure).

Since becoming a member of crossdressers.com I have tried daily to select a post to use in a personal quest to investigate who I am today and what I want to represent to others. Some know the why and how I got here and I thank-you again for all your support. Not to be mysterious here, just a note of thanks. This process is not an attempt to hi-jack posts and threads. I relate as everyone else does and replies to this OP in kind.

Can shopping, as you do, lead to a transgender/transsexual life style (assumption)? The short answer; “only if you want it to”. Trust that you are living how you should be (I am rather jealous of the whole mess you got yourself into) as we can only live in the present.

Just my thoughts hope they are of some value to someone.
v.