Holy HelP!

[bridgetta]

The saga continues.. My girlfriend and have been seperated for two weeks after I showed her my girl things.. WE Are still talking everyday.. she lives an hour away so its been ok to take a break.. The issues in the relationship are. basically about my commitment.. I love her I want to be with her.. My cd ing is compulsive and triggered by stress and triggered by the fact that my brain wants it.. she is willing to stay with me.. and never put me down.. she even wants to go to couples therapy which is think is neccesary..
thing is..
I want it all..
i want to go the cd party on saturday nite, but i spent all day convincing her to come stay with me for the weekend.. we are at the make or brake point of marriage .. at least she wants to know i am in.. I just cant decide what to be..
to marry her.. have companionship and strength.. or to take my cd ing to a new level.. and go to the party... half of me wants to cut my hair and surprise her with that.. the other half is dreaming about going to the party..
im totaly split down the middle .. and its keeping me from realizing my dreams in life... instead of working ,, i make up excuses and put on makeup.. it makes me have a temper with people i love because i never feel like i have enough time..

it really right now.. seems like a big problem.. im sick of living this way..

[sara.s]

If you just want to fix the weekend issue, find something that is very interesting and that you two could do together, may be long drive/outing. But for long term, you may need help.

[bridgetta]

ha.. yeah... im having a hard time giving up a girl i love and who is willing to work with me about this.. IM having an extra EXTRA hard time giving her up to spend my life alone in my house. i just found these monthly parties. so I could always go in a few months if I have time..so I can safely say I would rather work with her this weekend and try to fix my relationship...

[Sherry Lynn]

It's her fear of the unknown that makes her uncertain. She needs educated immediately. Have her read some of the posts on this site for a better understanding of TGs.

[GG Kathy]

Bridgetta, it sounds like to me you know what you want. Go for it.

[bridgetta]

GG KATHY.. nice to hear from a gg.... I dont know what i want.. at least the part of me that knows wont tell the other part.... she has been reading crossdresswives.com.. and that has been a great help to her.. she went thru the classic phases.. I told her last december. and then we avoided .. she was in denial.. now she has been suffering the fear of the unknown.. she wants to know if i want to be awoman etc... I dont.. but i do want to wear what I want.. she realizes that this is part of me... and she is not mad about it.. she is disappointed however.. as I would be.. its annoying for me.. and now its annoying for her...
she knows i cant help it.. and she knows it cant really be stopped...

its a crazy time for us...... I would LOVE to go this party.. I have never been out... and she has been asking me.. specifically.. WHat if you are going to want to go further... and that had me thinking.. plus the time of the breakup allowed me find this party... IRONY...hah

[danielle.cd]

cding comes and goes ill have weeks on end sometime months that i dont want to dress other times i cant get enough for months on end . dont let her slip away just because u want to spend a few hours at a party . theres more to life then dressing . at least if shes in your life u can set boundries and such but if she not there then u just lost out on a whole lot more than a party.

[ReineD]

I would LOVE to go this party..

So tell me. What is it specifically about this party that attracts you so much? Name three things, in order of importance, most important first. Then I'll come back and give you my :2c:

[danielle.cd]

GG KATHY.. nice to hear from a gg.... I dont know what i want.. at least the part of me that knows wont tell the other part.... she has been reading crossdresswives.com.. and that has been a great help to her.. she went thru the classic phases.. I told her last december. and then we avoided .. she was in denial.. now she has been suffering the fear of the unknown.. she wants to know if i want to be awoman etc... I dont.. but i do want to wear what I want.. she realizes that this is part of me... and she is not mad about it.. she is disappointed however.. as I would be.. its annoying for me.. and now its annoying for her...
she knows i cant help it.. and she knows it cant really be stopped...

its a crazy time for us...... I would LOVE to go this party.. I have never been out... and she has been asking me.. specifically.. WHat if you are going to want to go further... and that had me thinking.. plus the time of the breakup allowed me find this party... IRONY...hah

well you know you want to go further cause u want to go out but untill u have set boundries and stipulations on it and actually talk through it then your not going to help anything by just doing it. with my wife , who really doesnt mind it so much now as she did before , it took along time for her to get it and to know why i doo it and i honestly told her , why would i want to look like a guy in a dress rather than a real women, if im gana do it im doing it right. she shoped with me the first time i ever went to a store fully dressed and we had alot of fun. but if we were in our town she would have been embarressed to be with me. we made it that unless were out of town i dress at home an shes ok with it . she understands my urges and will work with me know but she also shares my stuff that i buy so it works but i had to put time in so to say to get to where im at.

[sara.s]

ha.. yeah... im having a hard time giving up a girl i love and who is willing to work with me about this.. IM having an extra EXTRA hard time giving her up to spend my life alone in my house. i just found these monthly parties. so I could always go in a few months if I have time..so I can safely say I would rather work with her this weekend and try to fix my relationship...
I am surprised you are having such a HARD time choosing between..
a.. spend life alone in house, but not miss the cd party
b.. girl who is willing to work with you, who is reading crossdresswives.com and trying very hard to accept you as you are..

It seems to me that all you are concerned is about missing your monthly cd party. It is give some and get some, my friend.

[bridgetta]

ok reineD.

1.. I have spent so many years.. over 15 working on my feminine illusion. and I have never shown in to anyone..
2. It looks like a nice party. Its in danvers and thats about 30 mins.
3. I guess I want to know where I fit in to all of this.. am I straight? Or bi?. it just seems like mecca.. I kind of would like to know how I would feel in that type of environment.. I mean.. this illusion making.. It fools even me sometimes.. it can be quite confusing..

[bridgetta]

thats the thing! its that i enjoy cd ing.. I just want to be with someone who enjoys it also.. that may be alot to ask,, but its just hard to watch her so uncomfortable with it,. maybe thats why i feel like running away.!

[Ellyn]

Choosing going to the party would be self destructive, and if you do that, rather than try to save a relationship with someone you love and would like to spend your life with, you really have need of a therapist or a psychatrist.

Shot term gain - lots of pain.

[Jessica Ames]

I think that you need to be honest with your SO, first and foremost. I, personally can see a positive in attending the party. If you are trying to get clear about your true desires and who you are, maybe you should let her know that you are going to this event to get a better understanding of where you stand with all of it. It should, in NO WAY, be in contrast to your relationship. If you go, go because you are trying to understand it more to either strengthen your relationship or to move on with something that means a lot to you.

[bridgetta]

Thank you jessica. And ThAnK yOU everyone. It is a lot to think about.

[ReineD]

Bridgetta, I know you love her, but it doesn't sound as if you are ready to commit to her in the way that she needs commitment. This is not a bad thing, it's just where you are right now. It sounds as if you need to figure out a few things about your sexuality as it plays out with the CDing. And believe me, now is the right time to do this rather than suppress it and commit to this girl, and then have it come to the surface again years from now after you're married and have kids.

You may well want both worlds right now and I don't blame you, but you owe it to yourself to be true to who you are and figure things out. You also owe it to your gf to commit to her when you are ready to do so and not before.

I'll tell you a bit about my SO and I. We are both in our 50s and we've been together for 4 years. My SO did have his entire 40s while he was single to figure things out. He got some things out of his system so that by the time he met me, he was no longer interested in exploring sexually where the CDing might take him. He knew that men didn't do it for him. So, he didn't feel deprived when things came up, and I didn't feel insecure, wondering what he was up to when he went out on his own dressed. Other than the first while when I did have the usual questions about the CDing (which is normal for all GGs), there was never a doubt in my mind that he was pining away to "explore" elsewhere.

Addressing your reason #3 above (which I think is your most important reason BTW), my best advice to you is to not go to the party this weekend if you've already persuaded your gf to stay with you. This would not be a good thing to do, unless of course you bring her with you if she is willing to go. There will always be other parties. If you end up going to a party when she is not there for the weekend, then you will know whether or not you enjoy the attention from men and if you do, then I would sit down with your gf and explain to her exactly what your urges and desires are with the CDing. Since this is all new to her it may well be too much, but to do otherwise would lead her to believe that you desire only her, when in reality, you have serious questions about whether or not you need more than her.

Now addressing reasons #1 & #2: it's understandable that you want to go out dressed, and there is nothing wrong with sharing this with your gf. But the going out doesn't have to be at a party where you are exploring whether or not you are bi. You could go out at first to a GLBT club in Danvers with your gf (if she is up to it) to see a drag show. This is a pretty safe venue for a new CD who is starting to go out, and your gf might even enjoy the drag show. When my SO and I started to go out in public dressed, our first outings were in GLBT clubs, her TG support groups (where SOs are welcome), or at restaurants in gay parts of town. And then as my SO gained in confidence and she got to the point where she blended in very well, we expanded from there to go out just about anywhere in the mainstream (except in places where there are lots of little kids).

Good luck! :hugs:

[bridgetta]

Wow.! Im really really touched.! Thank you. Thank you. Btw. The statement. "attention from men" made my blood run cold ! That would be a stretch. I like woman and transgirls 99.9% of the time. Maybe im not ready for that type of sudden public exposure

[ReineD]

^ Ooops, sorry. I was going by your your reason #3, where you said, "I guess I want to know where I fit in to all of this.. am I straight? Or bi? it just seems like mecca". I took it that when you are dressed, your fantasies take you to places that you don't go to when you are in guy mode.

When you say you like women and transgirls, what type of transgirls exactly ... non-op or post-op transsexuals, or do you mean other CDs like you?

[bridgetta]

Thats ok.! I didnt clarify. Generally im attracted to beautiful women. But there are many various trans m-f people that are just as attractive. But Im only attracted to the Feminine kind of beauty.

[ReineD]

OK. Then you can ignore the part of my post where I suggested that you need to figure yourself out sexually, before committing to your gf. I thought you were fantasizing about being with men, and this is what made you wonder if you are bi. Sorry that I misunderstood. Keep in mind though, if men turn you off but you are attracted to pretty CDs without thinking of their sex beneath the clothes, the illusion can easily be shattered when you both take your clothes off in the bedroom. Just saying.

But, if you're fantasizing about being sexual as Bridgetta with another woman, and you believe that your SO would not be into this, then I suppose this puts you back in the same quandary. It means you have sexual urges that you feel will not be satisfied with your SO, and this is not a good beginning when thinking about a commitment to someone. You'll need to work this out with her somehow. I guess the ideal would be if she could accept your feminine presentation in the bedroom. But, there are many GGs for whom this is difficult, and if they do eventually see beyond the clothes, it can take time. Still, if your urges are strong, it is important for you to be honest about this to your SO for the same reason I mentioned above. You do not want to commit to her and then years down the line, want to stray outside the marriage because you do not feel satisfied. If you are honest with your gf, there is a chance she might be able to accommodate the dressing in the bedroom. But if you don't say anything, eventually your unmet desires could drive a wedge into your relationship.

That said, your gf needs to understand all aspects of what the CDing means to you, before the two of you commit. I gather from your first post that you are talking about marriage?

I hope I haven't said anything too embarrassing. :hugs:

[bridgetta]

Your smart. And a great help. Your knowledge of the subject is remarkable. Yes. It is always wise to remember the illusion.

[ReineD]

I don't know that I'm smart, Bridgetta, more than just having a lot of life experience. :p

Although it may seem as if your relationship is complicated with the CDing, really when it comes down to it you can substitute the CDing with anything that might come between you and your gf. What I'm saying is, couples can experience a variety of potential wedges to their relationship whether it is the CDing, or an addiction, or a life threatening illness, or even another love interest somewhere such as an ex gf who suddenly comes around again. If any of these things are a potential threat to the current relationship, it's important to not hide them, since hiding, or ignoring, or suppressing doesn't make them go away. It's much better to be as honest as you can and deal with all of this now, than after you are married.

[CatAttack]

I don't see how you are having such trouble deciding between

1) saving your relationship with the girl you love
2) a party

One is obviously way more important. I mean, it's just a party, and there will be plenty of parties in the future.

[bridgetta]

Its not so much going to a party. Its dealing with the fact that because im in a relationship i cant go. Its about understanding my desire to go. Not the party itself.

[Gillian Gigs]

You are the one who spoke of the "M" word. Marriage is about compromise, it is NOT just about what you want. To me it boils down to this, be selfish, party, and play all of the time. Or, grow up and start a life with someone you love. If you go the unselfish route, then sit down and work out your compromises, and be prapared to live within them. You might be amazed at how well things could go, if you pore your heart and soul into this girl. We all want to be loved, and to me real love is about the other person, NOT about you.

[kimdl93]

Bridgetta. Be real. If this girl means as much to you as you say, then seriously, meet her half way. She seems willing to do the same.

So, here's what you do. 1) forget the party...there will be lots of parties in the future. Once the evening is over, its just another moment in the past. Don't jeopardize a relationship for a moment of self indulgence. 2) agree to couples therapy. There's no better way to achieve clarification of yours and her values, needs, desires and to reach some concensus. You'll have the benefit of an objective professional...ready to tell each of you when you're being unrealistic . We all need that. and 3) put your CDing in perspective. It is not your life. Yes its part of your life, but its not the end all/be all.

[bridgetta]

Yes kim. Im not preoccupied with the party at all. We been seperated for two weeks and my cding has gone on unobstructed in that time. And she is talking about it alot. So its just a period where its in the spotlight.


Reine made a good point about that bridgetta needs love attention also. Its true. Its so clouded in denial secrecy and guilt. But its part of me. I think it could be part of my annoying anger issue. Lately i have had a short fuse. Trying to live a good life. Thats what im seeking. Its a time of growth change and acceptance.

[kimdl93]

I agree, that you need to be able to feel complete and accepted. And I would be the last person to suggest that you put that part of you away. Its a bit of a dillemma tho, because while you understandably want to attend to this part of you, your gf is herself just beginning to acclimate to the idea of a relationship with a CDr. Hence the conflict - you need self expression, she needs time to work through it. That's a tough balance, but I don't think its impossible.

[bridgetta]

Yes. Answering all of her questions. And talking about it makes me want to do it more. It was not long ago that i could not speak about it without extreme shame and panic. Now its becoming natural for us to have a dialogue.

[Joanna41]

I was going to add that a party is just a party...there will be more but a supportive SO isn't easy to find. My advice is simple...ditch the party. Spend that weekend with her and help her to understand why it is the way you are. Go shopping together ask her opinion of different things. I'm sure she will have fun and appreciate you asking her to be involved and maybe she would be willing to go to one of those parties with you at some point. Good luck...

Joanna

[danielle.cd]

you know your SO should be heiring u say the stuff your saying to us so she knows what your going through . if u can tell us like that why not her shes closer to u than we are and she wants to atleast understand more to be with u if shes reading into and talking about it more , just tell her about how u feel about all of it , if u do skip the party and talk more about it with her just let her know that there are get togethers that u want to go to dressed so that u can be with other that share the same feelings and questions and such as you do.

[DebbieL]

There will always be other parties. At the moment, what your girl needs now is to know that she is important to you. Remember, right now she is going through a roller coaster of feelings. It's not like she has had dozens of cross-dressing friends in her life. She may have had them, but she didn't know they were cross-dressers. She may have seen drag queens, and she may have seen movies, but she has no idea how to relate cross-dressers.

However, she has known and loved YOU. And what she doesn't know is that part of the reason she loves you, is because of your feminine side. She loves how you can be soft and gentle, how you know exactly where to scratch her back, how you take your time when making love, how you touch and caress her when you are out on a date together, or when you're home together. How you compliment her on her wardrobe choices, jewelry and make-up and how you look her in the eye instead of her cleavage.

What she doesn't realize is that there is so much MORE available.

At the same time, she feels deceived. You need to prove your loyalty, and prove that you are willing to make up for not being honest with her up-front. She may also realize that you love her enough to tell her a secret you've kept for years, or at least that you weren't willing to share along with your job, school, and family background.

If you DON'T stay with her this week-end, you will probably kill the interest. She may just give up on you. If you DO stay with her, she will know that she is top priority, that dressing is just a part of you, an important part, but not something that will send you out seeking other women, hookers, or drag queens for affairs. She might even be willing to go shopping with you, and even get dressed with you at home. If that goes well, she might want to go out with you. If she decides she doesn't want to participate, but wants to keep you, she might encourage you to go to the parties on your own. If she wants to know more, she might be willing to go to some of the parties with you.

For right now, you want to make sure that she knows that she is the most important woman in your life, and that being a cross-dresser doesn't change that.

[DebbieL]

Thats ok.! I didnt clarify. Generally im attracted to beautiful women. But there are many various trans m-f people that are just as attractive. But Im only attracted to the Feminine kind of beauty.

It's completely natural that you would be attracted to women and attracted to someone who has gone to great lengths to look as beautiful, sexy, and feminine as possible, even more so than GGs would do. It just makes you very straight.

Ironically, I consider myself bi, not because I like men, but because I like more masculine women. I like women with deeper voices, big laughs, and sexually aggresive. But I like women. I've tried men a few times and literally almost threw up each time. Just not into men, even transsexuals. I could go for a post-op girl, if I weren't already married.

[suit]

Has anyone ever thought about crossdressing as modle train ?
spend years getting it to look like you want ,kept in an attic or basment. really only taxes the hell out of your life and time you have to "live" only to make the train store more $$ your kids <if you had time to have any will have to throw out all the dusty toys your cherished,and they will gladly throw it ina dumpster resenting the time not spent playing with them? it can be a hobbie or compultion or if its really is wired the right thing to do.
so is it an investment or a tax?