Non-Acceptance By Wife

[SandieAE]

My wife ad I were watching the news last night and an article came on about 3 transgendered individuals who lost their jobs because of their transgenderism. Here is a link to the article:

http://www.lfpress.com/news/columnists/ian_gillespie/2011/09/22/18726796.html

Once my wife saw this article, she said that these people were disgusting and going against God's will. She did not even know what the term 'transgender' meant. She is very religious and feels that anything out of the ordinary is 'wrong' in God's eyes.

Looks like I have a big uphill battle with her regarding the whole crossdressing issue. She puts up with my wearing nylons and shoes around the house but has no desire for this to go outside our home. She does not even talk about it at all. But she will wash my clothes in the laundry (even my bras) but never says anything. It is so frustrating!

Anyone else have this experience?

Sandie

[bridgetta]

thats weird.. if she washes your stuff. she should realize who she is talking to... in this day all intolerance is being phased out.. I think its best to forgive her.. defend your point of view.. but do it nicely.. its important to talk about things and not argue about things..

[Sherry Lynn]

IMHO Your wife sees only what she wants to see. Sooner or later she will have to face reality and realize what you are and want. You better get your big girl panties on when she does. I've seen many in your position and it can go in many different directions.

[Vanessa Storrs]

Have the two of you ever talked about crossdressing?

[Karren H]

Better not loose your job!!

[SandieAE]

We are both retired so my job is not a concern. But the topic is a hard one to bring up as her strict Catholic upbringing makes it difficult as a topic for discussion. It's hard to start up a conversation on what I prefer to wear. We don't have any real arguments regarding my preferences. It's just a topic that is never discussed. Also, she has no interest in watching any videos that involve crossdressing or transgenderism. She does not want to see videos that have foul language in them or scenes that involve nudity, kissing or strong sexual overtones. Our movies are all from the 1950's or earlier. So I end up staying at home more and wearing my pretty things by myself. She goes off to mass about 3-4 times each week.

Sandie

[Paula_56]

Better not loose your job!!

Karen, you have the best sense of humor!!!!! I laughed

[Vickie_CDTV]

She might be ok with you wearing your things around the house, but she may really be concerned about you dressing outside the house and embarrassing her (her comment about the three FTers might have been a subtle hint about her disapproval of you dressing outside of the house and she might even be concerned you will go FT.)

[Sherry Lynn]

It seems like a good thing that she goes to mass a lot. That's a good opportunity to get dressed up while she's away.

[ReineD]

Once my wife saw this article, she said that these people were disgusting and going against God's will. She did not even know what the term 'transgender' meant. She is very religious and feels that anything out of the ordinary is 'wrong' in God's eyes.

This might have been a good opening to talk to her. It's still not to late to do this.

You might have said, non-confrontationally, that her comment hurt your feelings because she knows that you wear lingerie, and you wonder if her feelings about transsexuals extend to you as well.

Then you could take it from there? Before you open up the discussion though, please read the link under my signature, "How to tell your partner", and pay particular attention to the advice about doing your homework first.

[Alberta_Pat]

Sandie;

This whole discussion begs the question: "How do you want to deal with this in your home"?

If you want the status quo, then you need do nothing. If you wish to get more involved with your wife and understanding her point of view, then you need to bring that subject up with her. The news article would be your perfect discussion point.

Please try to keep "faith and belief" out of it. That would only cloud the discussion, and lead into a spiral that would end in her transferring her awareness and dislike (I won't say hate) of crossdressing back to you.

I would let my conscience guide me here. I might even consider taking time to talk with her minister about it before hand. The minister may hyave some interesting insight to share with you.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Sandie, Sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place.

Orchid

[sterling12]

My Guess is that your wife is a "Neat Freak." She sees dirty clothes, she washes them. That's what she has always done, that's what she will always do.

I would not try to push her buttons! She has established her "parameters" on what she will tolerate, and she has now given you a not so subtle warning about how she would feel, if you pushed into new territory.

So, if you want to "venture further," you'll probably end up making a choice. It might come down to Marriage, or Divorce. As you have written, she's very into her Catholicism. You could take a shot at counseling, but I can't imagine your going to find anyone sympathetic within your religion. It's been written that we all end up with some kind of Cross to Bear. This one might be yours.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Satinpeta]

Yep I agree with Karren, but as I haven't even told my wife that I am a crossdresser you are far ahead of me, wish I had the nerve

[Kittyagain]

Tough one Sandie. I wish I had the magic answer but I am at a complete loss on this one. I give you a huge pat on the back for working whiten her limits. I give her the same pat on the back for giving you at least some small path to walk. That is, I would guess, very hard for her to do.

You might win some points if you do the laundry.

Kitty

[Aprilrain]

Might as well call a lawyer...... get it over with. Just sayin!

[BrittM]

Maybe it's just because I'm not religious, and I'm young, but blindly hating people because "god" thinks it's wrong is a deal-breaker for me. It just seems so weird to me that on one hand, it can be said "god loves everyone and forgives you no matter what" but when it's convenient, god can hate certain groups of people. Seems pretty mind-boggling to me that in all the massiveness of existence, god could have a special hatred for guys wearing women's clothing.

I'm not saying you should get out or anything--obviously you guys love each other a lot, especially if she's willing to put up with it despite her obvious dislike for it. I guess I just don't understand why we can't all just live and let live. Isn't that what a god who loves everyone would truly want? I feel like if you don't like crossdressers, fine...but why go out of your way to put energy that could be used for something positive into hatred? If someone doesn't want CDs to be a part of their life, they don't have to be...it only effects you if you allow it to. I don't like religious fanatics of any faith, but instead of hating and complaining, and crusading against their rights I choose to ignore them. Why can't we just ignore the things we don't like about others? Because it doesn't have any impact on our own lives.

Can't we all just get along? :( (apologies for any offense that might be taken from this post. I know what I say can be offensive, but I feel it's better to be honest and offensive than lie for any reason.)

[Alice B]

Once the religion card enters the game it is a long, uphill battle.

[Inna]

I honestly think that all the SOs who are indifferent to what their CD counterpart does at home but point to religion when faced with Cds desire to roam the spaces out side the confines of home are simply hiding behind the bible. Fear of repercussion of someone finding out and consequences of small minds handling such a delicate subject puts them on defensive. It is their fear for them selves, which makes for damnation of Crossdressing. I found that the only people who turned away from me after my reveal were those who them selves are fighting their own demons, everyone else is loving and utmost understanding of my transsexuality.

[Veronica Lacey]

Hi Sandie...

We all seem to require our belief systems in order to survive in this world. It looks as if your wife's spiritual beliefs sustain her in a world that is ever-changing. They help her "accept the things she cannot change and change the things she cannot accept".

Perhaps her comments while watching the show were simply her way of venting steam or letting go of frustration over your dressing, something she has assumedly tolerated for many years. Simultaneously, this venting allows her to continue to accept your dressing in spite of her spiritual beliefs, and allows her to continue to love you the way she does (some assumptions here but you do still love one another, yes?) That she launders your feminine items could be testament to her love for you. She cannot accept the rest of the world for their "abominations" but she has found a way to overlook her beliefs because she loves you.

If you have not in recent weeks perhaps a bouquet of flowers would be a nice touch at this time? Just a thought.

Thank you for sharing this!

[Diane Elizabeth]

My SO feels the same way. She is against cd/tg. But puts up with me dressing and going to local meetings. She says that she is not a lesbian. But on the other hand, she has helped me get dressed (letting me wear her tops) and she does my laundry. I did get her to go with me to my therapist once. Otherwise I am sure she goes to church praying for me to give it all up. She always is pointing out the downside of comming out. Losing family and friends that sort of thing.

[stephan]

Once the religion card enters the game it is a long, uphill battle.

Yes. Religion is about blind faith and not about reasoning and understanding. Crossdressing is so confusing (even to us) that without reasoning and understanding I can't see a way forward. (sorry, this isn't encouraging).

[BiancaEstrella]

It seems like a good thing that she goes to mass a lot. That's a good opportunity to get dressed up while she's away.

Not if she's frequently going to a place where part of the value system reinforces her disapproval. But, it seems as though her mind is made up, so Sandie finds herself both dressing on a limited basis and wondering if/when her wife will lose her cool about it.

[Anne Teak]

gods will.......if god made us all in his own image (bible) then who could hate what god made? of course logic never enters into hatred and bigotry.

[Allsteamedup]

Why have you chosen to mix up so many things OP?

What does your wife not being sympathetic to transgendered people losing their jobs have to do with your situation?

She knows you dress at home. She does your washing. This is not an issue.

She goes to Mass four times a week. That's about four hours of her (retired) time. I have a sister and daughter who shop for 21/2hrs every day and spend another 4hrs a day on their appearances. People spend their time in different ways.

I belong to another forum of retired cds and their spouses. What gets a lot of comment is how the SO wants to spend more of the retired time dressed when the GG has worked really hard all her life for some companionable time. Women carry on running the home but their partners aren't as willing to share the chores. Even in long-standing relationships where the cding always had a part this is difficult to resolve.

So instead of complicating matters by mentioning your wife's religious affiliation (which was part of her attraction when you got together: she has run a solidly Christian home for the good of your family) folow Reine's advice about the coming out to a partner thread. There you will find lots of things to consider from both partner's points of view.The advice about doing your homework cannot be overstressed.

Can I give you an analogy? We have a big problem in our community with dog dirt. We have regular bins so there is no excuse for not clearing up after your dog. I do not dislike dogs because they excrete.

Your wife tolerates what she knows about. It is up to you to make the knowledge of what you do personal to your situation. If you appreciate the home and family you have created, share the chores, take her out of the home and show affection for her regularly, she might not feel threatened by what you would like to tell her about your feminine side. And that is the approach I would suggest.

[Tina B.]

Funny, I was watching a show on a Trans man, a while back, and one of the strongest supporters of the whole issue was a Priest, he had no problem with Trans people at all, I think many people that have this thing about cross dressing and the church have got it all wrong. At this years gay pride parade in my town, we had more people marching in the parade, from local churches, inviting the gay, and transgendered people to join them in there churches than we had gay or transgendered in it.. I think you should find a younger priest, and have a talk with him, and find out just what her church does believe, it might just help you have a talk with her, about misunderstood church doctrine.Christianityy is not about what god thinks, anyway, it's about what his kid taught, and he didn't say anything about it.
Tina B.

[NicoleScott]

I might even consider taking time to talk with her minister about it before hand. The minister may have some interesting insight to share with you.

I must disagree. You can seek out someone to minister to you, for your benefit. But to reveal to HER minister that you are a crossdresser is, in my opinion, inappropriate. She is obviously sensitive about your crossdressing being out. I could be wrong, but it seems to me that this suggestion is an attempt to get the minister to convince her that crossdressing is OK.

[Babeba]

I must disagree. You can seek out someone to minister to you, for your benefit. But to reveal to HER minister that you are a crossdresser is, in my opinion, inappropriate. She is obviously sensitive about your crossdressing being out. I could be wrong, but it seems to me that this suggestion is an attempt to get the minister to convince her that crossdressing is OK.

Nicole is spot on here, I think - especially because it would be unethical for a minister to talk about one of their parishioners behind their back. Their relationship is between themselves, that parishioner, and their God.

It seems to me that your partner is okay with some things, OP, if she does your laundry and all! I would not take it personally, she probably doesn't equate you with them and her reaction to that article doesn't seem to reflect her reaction to you. Don't get me wrong, I would still take it seriously - but these are people she and you have never met and so it's easy to react in a black-and-white sort of way to them when really life is all about the gray tones.

If you feel the need to talk to her about it, why not look at it from the point of view that transsexual individuals have been born with a birth defect, the way people with clubbed feet have been? And that everyone needs love on Earth, that it's the creator's job to judge not ours? If you leave it as a philosophical discussion, I think you can still get your point across without making it into a major rift.

[DaniIfeelike a woman]

I think you are way ahead of me. She has never seen any of my clothes and is more closed minded than your wife is. On the subject of religion, I was in the ministry. I was training to hopefully be a pastor of a baptist church, but found that I just didn't fit in, (being the non-conformist I am),so I quit going to church a few years ago. I was confused at first with my sexuality. I often thought about wearing womens clothes, and when I dedided to do it, I found happiness and now it is something that makes me happy. I had a conversation with my wife about the Chaz Bono thing on DWS. I told her that if it made him happy, then it is his/her choice, and we shouldn't judge others on what (religion) teaches. Someday I will have to break the news to her also, but talking about things like DWS and others on TV hopefully will allow me to reveal myself. I wish you luck.

[Dawn cd]

Sandy, it sounds like your wife was probably raised in a very prudish environment where only the most standard forms of sexuality were considered proper. It's more cultural than religious, but she uses god and religion to justify her mindset. Given the fact that you are both retired, and probably older, she's not likely to change. However her capacity for tolerance (for other people) can still be expanded while keeping her own moral standards for herself. I, too, am surprised that she made that nasty comment about a crossdresser, knowing that you crossdress . . . and that you didn't challenge it. You need to challenge her judgmental attitude and lack of charity for others. Wasn't it Jesus who said "do not judge, lest you be judged in return"?

[Alberta_Pat]

I must disagree. You can seek out someone to minister to you, for your benefit. But to reveal to HER minister that you are a crossdresser is, in my opinion, inappropriate. She is obviously sensitive about your crossdressing being out. I could be wrong, but it seems to me that this suggestion is an attempt to get the minister to convince her that crossdressing is OK.

My thoughts were in fact to determine what her (the Wife's) church felt about this issue. It was not specific to line her minister up on the O/P "side"

The more information one has at hand, the better one is able to defend oneself. If this means seeking advice/information from someone knowledgeable in the "Wife's main concern", then I would consider it.

I do apologize if my statement came out wrong and misleading.

[wanagione]

Here is my answer to people who say that I go against God and his will. I say that no where that i know of in the New Testiment does Jesus say anything about cds or tg. He says love one another, this is the greatest commandment. God is perfect and made me this way for a reason. That reason may be to challange you (the other person_ to live his commandment to love one another. To to see how you( that other person) will react, with love and understanding or with hate and judgement. Then I smile and walk away from the person. Simple as that.

[*Vanessa*]

My wife ad I were watching the news last night and.. she said that these people were disgusting and going against God's will. She is very religious and feels that anything out of the ordinary is 'wrong' in God's eyes.

<Biting lip> I have nothing to say !

[Wendyluv]

We have to take people as they are. My girlfriend would not accept it either (luckily we don't live together), because she is Italian and they are very traditional. Your wife has obviously been brought up that way, it's part of her values, of who she is. Of course cd's want to be accepted and recognized, but I think we also have to be tolerant towards people who don't accept it, and understand that it may hurt them. She probably suffers just as much as you do, maybe even more... It would be selfish not to consider her point of view. Personally if my girlfriend and I were living together I would either try to quit crossdressing altogether for the love of her or else leave her and live my merry life on my own ,which I wouldn't do now as we truly love one another and as I've been single for a long time in the past and have seen it, done it.
We've been together for years, it's just that we are happier not living together - which actually makes our relationship last longer then most I think Thanks to that secret garden we keep (also, we're both in our late forties and no children).
Up to you to do as you see fit really... nobody can speak for you, nor judge, as you are the only one to know her and the situation. Good luck.

[ElusiveGirl]

It's hard to start up a conversation on what I prefer to wear. It's just a topic that is never discussed. She has no interest in watching any videos that involve crossdressing or transgenderism. She does not want to see videos that have foul language in them or scenes that involve nudity, kissing or strong sexual overtones. Our movies are all from the 1950's or earlier. So I end up staying at home more and wearing my pretty things by myself. She goes off to mass about 3-4 times each week.

Sandie

Hoo boy.

On the upside, it's a good thing that she goes to mass 3-4 times a week so that you can get your girl time in. Otherwise, it's pretty clear this situation is parked. Permanently.

[Longing2be-Trisha]

Sandie ask your wife these questions 1) why did God come to die on the cross? 2) Who did Jesus spend his time with while he was here? 3) If we know Jesus and follow Him and He knows us what happens to those who judge us? 4) If no one is perfect enough to be with God in heaven who are we to say weather heterosexual, gay, transgender, crossdresser, murderer, thief are wrong in God's eyes? Answers 1) God came to die for ALL OUR SINS not just one set of people. 2) Jesus spent His time with the sick, the children, the needy, the sinners, and his followers teaching them. 3) Do not JUDGE or you shell be JUDGED! 4) Just one wrong thought removes us from God's grace even the righteous fall short in God's eyes. Ok! Jesus even when He was on the cross showed mercy to a thief because that thief testified about Jesus even though he never met Him before that moment but heard of Him. So if that is the case how can she judge anyone without being judged by God for any indiscretion she might have? Sorry to be preachy I read the bible and have been judged by others for being transgender and I go to a conservative church. Nothing gets me more fired up than religious bullies take God out of the picture and think about if it was yourself, your child, a family member a friend who were treated that way? How would you feel then regardless of gender identity? More than likely very PISSED OFF! So don't be like her just love on your wife!

Hugs

[Marcia Polari]

Karen, you have the best sense of humor!!!!! I laughed

You see Karren, not only I noticed your sense of humor! LOL
But I got your point and agree. Kind of if ones loose ones job, crossdressing is useless. I've seen this down here as well.

[Maxi]

Men wore dresses centuries ago, why would it be a problem with God now.

[jillleanne]

Once the religion card enters the game it is a long, uphill battle.

And the religious thingy is old hat. She had better brush up on her religious doctrine and she will come to find new insight. Nice of her to wash out your things though. I would be sure to thank her for that. There are many shows produced over the years that were/are broadcast that would qualify under her terms of viewability and still provide enlightenment for her with the hopes of opening up her perspective of the 'creation of man and his creator'. As a devout catholic as a child in an extreme catholic family( rosaries nightly, mass every morning at 7am, alter boy, the list goes on) As you well know, religious beliefs and practices include forgiveness and acceptance, something she may need be reminded of. I tell people to pray for my sorry ass all the time. I'll take all the prayers I can get, but that won't change who I am.

[Piora]

<Biting lip> I have nothing to say !
Well said, *Vanessa*! :D


My wife ad I were watching the news last night and an article came on about 3 transgendered individuals who lost their jobs because of their transgenderism. Here is a link to the article:

http://www.lfpress.com/news/columnists/ian_gillespie/2011/09/22/18726796.html
I originally posted the link to this article in the Media section. Has anyone heard what has happened with this situation at Trails End? I know there were protests going on for a while, but the papers have been strangely silent. Probably best to respond to this in the Media section....


Once my wife saw this article, she said that these people were disgusting and going against God's will. She did not even know what the term 'transgender' meant. She is very religious and feels that anything out of the ordinary is 'wrong' in God's eyes.
I find it interesting how "God's Will" can be interpreted (and misinterpreted) a hundred thousand different ways. Usually, it's tailored to suit the particular individual's moral and often bigoted views in life. I do not want to hijack this thread into a religious debate, so will try very hard to keep my views to myself (as much as humanly possible)


Once the religion card enters the game it is a long, uphill battle.
<sigh> Alice, you got that right!


Yes. Religion is about blind faith and not about reasoning and understanding. Crossdressing is so confusing (even to us) that without reasoning and understanding I can't see a way forward. (sorry, this isn't encouraging).
No, it may not be encouraging - but it's bang-on.


We are both retired so my job is not a concern. But the topic is a hard one to bring up as her strict Catholic upbringing makes it difficult as a topic for discussion.
When I was married, I had similar issues with my ex-wife who had been brought up in a fairly strict Catholic environment. I even converted to Catholicism before we were married. However, it didn't take very long for me to tire of the rhetoric that was "hellfire and brimstone" rammed down my throat on a weekly basis. Eventually, she stopped going to church too. But that changed nothing about her views on the world, on sex and acceptance of people who didn't fit the mold that's preached in most religions. She would not have been tolerant about my CDing, had she had ever found out about it.


Also, she has no interest in watching any videos that involve crossdressing or transgenderism.

Not really surprising, since she abhors the very idea.


She does not want to see videos that have foul language in them or scenes that involve nudity, kissing or strong sexual overtones. Our movies are all from the 1950's or earlier.
Oh, good grief! Foul language....perhaps even nudity, I can even understand....but kissing? Really? I'm sure that the two of you kiss, don't you? Why would anyone be against seeing the portrayal of such a beautiful expression of love? I'm sure that there's kissing in lots of those 50s movies! <sigh> I try hard not to judge, and sometimes I fail. I apologize if I come across as unsympathetic. I'm not, really. As I said before, I don't want to get into any heated religious debates so, at this point I will follow *Vanessa's* example and bite my lip. :idontknow:

[StarrOfDelite]

HER minister is a priest. Based on all the information about the priesthood which has been coming out in the past twenty years or so, I'd say there is a gambler's chance that the priest is himself conflicted about his sexuality, and might be sympathetic. Now if the wife was attending a born-again Fundy church I would agree with you that the OP should stay away him because of the high probability that he would equate crossdressing with homosexuality, sodomy and the general smell of brimstone and sulfur.