Between a rock & a hard place...

[Kris83]

I've posted on this website a few times, but I don't think I've every introduced myself. The name that I chose for myself is Kristin, but you can call me Kris. I'm active duty military, and have been for more than a few years. However, it's only been recently that things have started changing for me. I don't know what started it or why, but in a 6 week span I've gone from a "normal" guy to shaving almost everything, wearing women's clothes, and really wishing I was a woman. Now, I've been Bi as long as I can remember, but denied it until only a couple years ago. I've been married, divorced, and remarried... I've got kids, and led a pretty decent life. I tried on my mom's clothes when I was a young teenager, but never thought much about it. Now, it feels like I'm leading a double life. I do one thing during the day, and then come home & "get girly." Some days I find myself thinking how much "they" are always in the way, and I just wish they weren't there. Other days I find myself praying that my estrogen levels are up so that I might grow the breasts that I desperately want naturally. I just don't understand how it's come so far, so fast, and seeming from no where. The changes themselves don't bother me... I would begin the transition in a heartbeat if I could. What worries me is how I would support myself after I was discharged, what my young children (5 & 7, who live with their mom) will think, and whether my wife would stay with me or not... and having ultra-conservative Christian in-laws doesn't ease my worrying at all. They've nearly disowned me because I publicly support the LBGT community. My wife & I love each other dearly, and she understands what I'm struggling with, as much as she can anyway. I'm comfortable with who I am, but I just don't know what to do. I stand to gain so much from letting "nature" take its course and fully transitioning, but I stand to lose just as much (if not more) BY transitioning. Needless to say, I'm in-between what they call "a rock & a hard place."

[Jay Cee]

Welcome, Kris. Have you spoken with a counsellor (one specializing in gender issues) regarding your situation? You might find it helpful.

[Kris83]

I'm starting to look for someone that specializes in gender issues. I don't want to go to a "standard" military behavioral (mental) health professional because I don't think they are trained to deal with these issues. I want to make sure that if I see a counselor, and they "diagnose" me with GID, that there is no doubt that is an accurate diagnosis. I don't really want to get out of the military, but I know that is my only option if I continue down the path I'm on right now. I'm afraid that if I go to a military doc, they're just gonna put me out, and that's not what I want. I'm not normally one that cares for "official diagnosis," but in this case it's something that I feel I need to have. At least if I find out that I have GID, then I at least have a place to start from. NOT knowing is worse than knowing at this point...

[Katesback]

Your story is the same as countless other transsexuals that are unwilling or unable to make a decision. Basically you have to decide what you feel is most important to you and execute that decisions. Lamenting is not part of making a decision.

[Inna]

hi Kristi, thanks for sharing such a personal story with us. Late onset of feelings you have is just that, late onset. Fact remains that such feelings are there to begin with. Therapy is paramount, it will establish point of reference to make sense of your feelings.

We often weigh happiness of our families versus our own happiness of living the truth. There is no such equation!!!!!!!! If our lives are spent in pain and turmoil then we simply allow same to spill over to their lives making them dependent on conformity and lies. I have learned a precious lesson following my reveal. When I have lost love I thought I had because of my embrace of truth, I quickly realized that I never possessed this love from the ones who abandoned me, but simply was dependent on their approval of whom I was......that's No Love!!!

However I also gained love so immense and pure I thought did not exist. Such love dwells within hearts of those who really love me and are by my side even through this tough times.

[sandra-leigh]

Lamenting is not part of making a decision.

I disagree. Lamenting is part of making any important decision with consequences. Lamenting informs a person about what is really important to them -- which is not always what their "reason" says is important to them.

For example, I lament that I hardly see my mother, who is now over 70. It is a feeling I get, not something reasoned. By listening to myself lament, I learn more about myself, and start thinking about ways that I could address the situation. "Moving back" (1000 miles) would have serious consequences -- losing my job, probably losing my relationship, unclear that I could afford to buy a house there, and so on -- not so dissimilar to common fears in transition.

And if you are talking about lamenting after the decision is made: yes, real people lament after serious decisions close off pathways in their life, grieving what was or what might have been. It is a part of the natural human emotional processes, not something you can just tell someone "Just make up your mind one way or another and don't look back".

[Melody Moore]

Wow Kris, reading that I seen so much of myself it isn't funny, being in the military, being in married, divorced
and remarried and having kids is like me being engaged, having a kid, getting engaged again having two more
kids, then getting married again only to fail. But I made the decision to wait until my kids were all over 18 before
I started my transition which resulted in my kids rejecting me. In hindsight I feel that I should have just done it
years ago, but instead I just put hurdles in my own way as an excuse to not have to deal with it.

I believe if I had of transitioned when my kids were younger they would have been more open to accepting it, but
my fears about them being bullied and abused for having a transparent is what really held me back most of all.

Seeking out the advice of a good therapist is a very good starting point, but you are going to also have to be open
and honest with others around you as soon as you start to make any affirmed decisions. Include them in your therapy
if they are in need of better understanding. Find a support group who might also offer other support to family & friends.

There are organisations for the children with transparents such as http://www.transparentday.org as well.
But don't feel alone there are many M-F Transsexuals here who are former military personnel. :hugs:

[Diane Elizabeth]

Hi Kris, As you can see most all of us have been in your shoes at one time or another. During my stint of 20 years in the Army I was married twice and have 3 kids. They are all grown now. But my family is pretty much conservative and some would disown me (at least for awhile). They would never understand why. This is what I am lamenting about. Sometimes I wish I had realized what I am an transitioned at a younger age. But I can't go back in time to do that. How you handle it is up to you. But good communication is important. And the military would more than likely discharge you if they find out.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hi Kris

You are not alone! As you can see, this is what happens to some people in the world that are gender variant..

whether its because your defenses dropped or some other reason...try your best to deal with the facts on the ground.. your military training hopefully gives you strength and discipline...you will need it..

lamenting is certainly part of the process...you are suffering a loss... the loss of comfort in knowing who you are and the confidence you had that your life was on track...and its scary..the future is unknown and to be honest there will be some suffering in your life that you may not have anticipated

i shared with you the need to be diagnosed...but in hindsight, what i was really doing was seeking permission.. my own self esteem was so low that i felt unable to decide and accept what i already knew to be true...

it is not a bad idea to try to be patient...and see what happens...transition is long, expensive and painful.. you will need patience...you will need money..
if you spend some time letting all this sink in , you may develop a confidence and motivation that pleasantly surprises you..you may save up some money to get things done down the road..
if you turn down and start to feel worse, more needy, depressed....most people find that simply starting a hormone regimen and starting to plan a future with transition in it calms things down..

also many of us have kids... i am sorry to say your marriage is at risk whether you want that or not...but you can successfully move on with your life and keep your kids safe and sound..i did it, others have done it...

anyway..those are just some thoughts i hope they help...

[Kris83]

Thank you all for your kind words of support. Hearing personal stories and words of encouragements from someone that has/is going through something like what I'm going through is very helpful to me. I think it helps me to understand that I really am not alone in this struggle. I don't think that anyone can receive too much support in a situation like this, so thank you again. I've definitely changed, because my emotions have been all over the place over the last couple days...

[Melody Moore]

Kris, don't be afraid to accept your emotions - it is just part of who you really are as female.

When we are living in the male dominated world of the military, showing emotions isn't really an acceptable thing
so it can be hard when that female inside of us starts to clash with the male shell that we created for ourselves.

But trust me, facing up to my fears for being a transsexual person was the hardest thing I have had to do in my
life and was harder than anything I was ever confronted with during my 4 year enlistment in the Australian Army
or any other challenge I have had in life. It takes tremendous courage to stand up to this fear because it is real.

Even after I got discharged, I continued to immerse myself into hyper-masculine activities because it gave me that
feeling I was a real man. I worked in adventure sports mostly - become qualified and worked as a Divemaster on the
Great Barrier Reef when I have dived with sharks regularly, with Rap Jumping when the extreme sport first become
commercial here in Cairns, worked with White Water Rafting companies, in watersports as a water-skiing and parasailing
instructor and ski-boat driver. I also worked as a tour-guide on Magnetic Island & would do an 8klm mountainous guided
bush-walk with groups of up to 20 people every day in an all-day bush-walking tour. And this was after I had taken a
small group of divers out on a shore dive at 6am in the morning for a fish feeding dive which I finished by 7.30 to get ready
for the 8klm walk. I would finish of the evening with a shore base night dive with a group of up to 6 divers. So I was very
fit back in these days.

But the reality was all these things were distractions that I used to avoid confronting the real me. Also with all the exercise
and extreme sports I was doing my body was getting a huge shots of testosterone which made me feel more masculine and
helped me to repress what was really hidden away inside. I was always surrounded by women who I also used to affirm myself
as a male. So I am ashamed to admit I was a player because the more conquests I had the more I felt affirmed as a man.

Coming from a repressed childhood of domestic violence and abuse and being sexually assaulted where I was so scared
I felt I didn't in anywhere and become a loner who was constantly bullied and picked on a lot. Eventually I started to learn
martial arts from the age of 14 & at the age of 16 I fought back against one of my main abusers, my own father to reclaim
my self-esteem and confidence back. I was still battling to repress gender identity issues so I went a bit out of control with
drugs and alcohol after that and would never back down anymore in a fight. However after a close shave with the law after
being with a group of friends who did some crap I decided to pull myself away and get my act together so I joined the Army
at 18 and did a four year enlistment which was good for me to learn discipline and to control my aggression. However what
I did essentially was I build a cocoon and had learnt to play the game so I could protect the real me which was locked away
deeply within. But as I got older I realised that I couldn't keep denying who I really was - I had become something I had really
despised. Everything about me was one huge big lie and the hardest part was in shattering that cocoon to set myself free.

Some transsexuals say they have felt trapped in the wrong bodies all their lives but there are many who didn't feel
that way - myself personally, I dressed up a girl around the age of 6 years old and when I did it, I could see myself
as a girl very easily. But one thing that I felt as a child was feeling that I was stuck "no man's land" between males
and females. What I mean by this is that I did not want to engage with males in their rough and tumble play, I would
have felt more happier to be with the girls and being more social on their level. However I wasn't allowed to do that,
as the nursery rhyme says...

"Girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice, and boys are made of snails and puppy dog tails".

So the girls here and the boys over there thing was something I could never really feel comfortable with
and I know now that socially I would have been more successful in my childhood if I was allowed to be
with the girls and establish my own gender identity myself. However society has different ideas about that.

So always had a question if I was really a boy or was I a girl? I was confused but when I hit puberty
that is when I first really seriously thought about wanting to change sex. Others figure it out later on
in life when they begin to accept and understand their emotions better.

It becomes more apparently obvious when you look at how you think compared to males & females. This is where
I realised that my own natural psychology was more female than male - for me to think like a typical male really
was a huge conflict and something I could never get my head around. And if I did act like a typical male then later
on I would feel really bad and guilty for some of the things that I did - so this is how I really knew something wasn't
right here. A psychologist said to me back in the mid 1990's that I needed to do more "Male Bonding", I said to him
"Why? other males don't understand me and I cannot relate to them". At this stage I never came out about my
gender issues because I was still in too much fear, but my current psychologist is amazed that the guy I seen in the
90s didn't realise that I had a conflict with my gender identity from such an obvious clue as the statement I made.

Personally I think you are in the right place here Kris to learn from others that you are not alone and I
hope by sharing a bit more about my story you learn to understand some more things about yourself.
I hope some of our other sisters here share a bit of their stories as well :hugs: