what is there to gain?

[BobbieCrescent]

Just a thought i had tonight... What is there really to gain by being 'out' (to the world, not just to your spouse/SO) if you're just a crossdresser with no intention of making any long-term or un-hideable physical changes?

it seems like all it would do is cause strife, especially if you come from certain religious or cultural backgrounds.

[AllieSF]

Great question. I think that there are a lot of different definitions for being out. You can be out to yourself by just admitting and accepting that you are a crossdresser. That is me. You can be out to maybe the general world in your own safe zone outside of the house away from your real exisitng and previous world. That is me too. Then you can be out to your SO and not the kids, or to the wife and kids, and then add in the relatives and maybe in laws, then other non-family friends and then co-workers, and then ..... ?? Is there anyone else? So, as I said above, I am out to myself and my world away from my safe zone. Out in the real world to all my "new" friends and acquaintances. For me to have all the fun that I have while "out" in the real world, I "need" to let these new friends, previous strangers to me, about me because I want to interact with them and feel it is only fair to also let them know something about me..

I am not out to family, friends, co-workers and anyone else that knows me in male mode. I have asked myself the same question that you asked, "What is there really to gain by being "out" ....?" In my rudimentary analysis, the answer is very clear, "Nothing". I have nothing significant to gain and probably much more to lose if I came out to them. At the present time, there is no "reason to know" or to share with anyone else my secret passion. Maybe that will change in the future. I really do not know nor care. Maybe "The Shadow" knows??

[ArleneRaquel]

I think that in many case " being out " is an affirmation of the lifestlye that one has chosen or has the been preordained to live. It way to show that we are men who love female clothing and the female culture. I know thats why I'm out. Living yhis way is something that I have always dream about, and I am proud to live this way. :thumbsup:

[Vickie_CDTV]

It depends on the person and their circumstances. In some cases, you are absolutely right. Not everyone needs, or should be, "out" to the world; sometimes I feel sometimes there is too much pressure from the TG community at large to be out when there are some folks who should not be out for very good reasons.

[Patty B.]

Being out is a personal decision, it can have life changing consequences and in some cases may not make much of a difference. My life has changed and maybe not for the best by being outed by my wife. I'd have rather not but once its done there's no going back. Every ones circumstances are different, and no one choice is best for everyone.

[Jeanna]

Being out to anyone is risky because they have the power to fully out you anytime they want. Isn't that a nice thought?

[linda allen]

Being out to anyone is risky because they have the power to fully out you anytime they want. Isn't that a nice thought?

That's the truth and they hold power over you. Blackmail, really, but what are you going to do?

Boss - "I want you to work overtime this weekend but I'm not going to pay you extra."
You - "That's not fair, I'm not going to do it."
Boss - "Well, there's this little secret I know about you and if you don't do what I say, I'll tell everybody at the company."
You - "Ok, I'll work this weekend."

[deebra]

Because it feels so good to present, walk, intermingle and be in public as a sexy, attractive woman.

[Cynthia Anne]

Depends on the person! When you accept yourself to the point that some has, including me it just doesn't matter anymore!

[charla42]

I totally agree with AllieSF. Iam in the same boat. Do not really care who knows outside of my very close friends from our world. I underdress from the neck down 24/7. Very confortable with myself. Love you all. Have a lovely weekend. Charla

[Sara Jessica]

As has been discussed often lately, everyone has to come to their own conclusions as to what is best for them in their personal situation. But I do like Allie's take on this. The first step is to be "out" to yourself in accepting who you are, no matter where you reside in TG land. From there, it makes things a whole lot easier to deal with when faced with even a remote prospect of others finding out despite choosing not to tell.


That's the truth and they hold power over you. Blackmail, really, but what are you going to do?

Boss - "I want you to work overtime this weekend but I'm not going to pay you extra."
You - "That's not fair, I'm not going to do it."
Boss - "Well, there's this little secret I know about you and if you don't do what I say, I'll tell everybody at the company."
You - "Ok, I'll work this weekend."

But this scenario I don't buy unless one is petrified by absolute fear of others finding out. As such, the true power is in self-awareness along with comfort in who you are and with your interpersonal relationships.

[Vieja]

The gain is dependent on what you want or feel you need. If you are content to be in the closet then that is your choice. I have the clothes, shoes, even a wig but when I put it all on I still look

like a guy in a dress and so I don't go out. No guts.


Vieja

[Barbra P]

Hi Bobbie

What is there to gain from cross dressing if you are completely in the closet? What is there to gain from cross dressing, period? For some there may be religious strife regardless of whether or not anyone else knows – there God knows. There is a certain amount of strife involved in sneaking around with all the blinds closed so no one will know you cross dress, not to mention the guilt and shame that many feel from cross dressing – why hide if you don’t feel guilt and shame?

Many, maybe most, possibly all, of us don’t know the reason why we cross dress; medical science doesn’t know the reason so it stands to reason that we don’t really know either. For some there is a sexuality involved, some love the feel – women’s clothes feel different against our skin. Many here regard women highly and want to emulate them and like deebra, they feel good presenting as a woman and there is a certain satisfaction that comes from presenting as a woman to others.

I belong to a transgender support group and to attend the monthly meetings, held in the Meeting Room of a local restaurant, I must walk through the main restaurant to get to the Meeting Room. If I choose to go enfemme that means I’m walking through a crowded restaurant dressed in women’s clothes. I have to admit that I like being addressed as Ma’am and having men hold the door open for me; it pleases me to not only wear women’s clothes but be treated as a woman for a few hours. I’ve been shopping a few times enfemme and it is a completely different experience, the store manager asks “Do you need any help Babs?”, “Babs, I think this would look good on you, why don’t you try it on?” Customers have come up to me and said “That outfit looks really pretty on you.” Just being able to pull something from the rack and walk into the dressing room is such a pleasure, and when I do buy something I know it fits, I don’t have to wait till I get home to try it on to see if it fits.

As a child I wanted to be a girl, then as an adult I could dress as a woman in the privacy of my home, and now when I attend my meetings I’m treated as a woman, that is probably as close to my childhood wish as I’m ever going to get.

[Cheryl T]

Just a thought i had tonight... What is there really to gain by being 'out' (to the world, not just to your spouse/SO) if you're just a crossdresser with no intention of making any long-term or un-hideable physical changes?

it seems like all it would do is cause strife, especially if you come from certain religious or cultural backgrounds.

My stress was from knowing I wanted to interact with others in public as a woman and was unable to. I wanted very much to just be able to dress and go shopping or to a restaurant or what ever. Now that I've been doing that my only stress is "what the heck should I wear today?"....LOL

[Stephenie S]

What's there to gain from crossdressing? My, my, what a strange question from a crossdresser.

Isn't it fun? My goodness, there are hundreds and hundreds of crossdressers on this forum (just one of MANY crossdressing forums) and fun would be the primary reason almost all would give.

Isn't it fun?

If not, then why do you do it?

S

[TGMarla]

It's like Sara said, each of us have to come to our own conclusions about what is right for us. Sometimes the cost of being out is a very steep price to pay. Sometimes the only benefit is the small chip in the stone one makes in the ongoing effort for social acceptance. Others find being out to be very liberating, and they enjoy outings with other ladies, able to enjoy a pseudo-femme lifestyle in addition to their everyday lives. So the answer to your question varies from person to person.

[sandra-leigh]

Speaking for myself: Having to hide who I really was, was becoming more of a stress than the consequences of being out to the public (which is different than being out at work.)

Probably no-one will ever figure out what caused my severe depression, but cross-dressing in public relieved my depression considerably. I think I might well have had to go on long-term disability if I had not found public crossdressing.

And that was before I had any serious thoughts about body modification.

[bridgetta]

once again.. i am in the closet. .because i do not want other people to spend their time thinking about this.. the world is difficult and everyone needs to get up and pull there weight..
that being said.

WE ARE WHat we are.. it is not OUR FAULT we are this way... IT IS THE WORLDS FAULT for not accepting it...

[Kittyagain]

After awhile, the walls of "Not being out." we use to protect us start closing in around us till they become somewhat of a prison but the key is in the door waiting to be turned. Inside the walls it is safe, outside it is not always.

If you are perfectly happy, don't touch that key.

Kitty

[Badtranny]

I have never seen a better answer to this question than the one Allie just put forth.

As far as I and her friends know, she IS out. She'll go anywhere and do anything. She knows who she is, and she's always willing to help others explore their own boundaries.

There are indeed consequences to being out, but there are also consequences to hiding from yourself. Allie dances on that razor's edge quite nicely.

[sterling12]

I think we are getting two different answers to the same question. I guess it's subject to the interpretation that we responders put on that original message. For some being "Out" means telling other people about your desires. For others, the biggest, tangible, result of being "Out" is the public display of oneself.

I am struck by the cogent, and thoughtful answers of a lot of the gals who ARE publicly presenting. Yes, for at least some of us, it's somewhat about "doing our bit" to further understanding and gaining tolerance. For some it's not a willful choice. We HAVE to release our femme-selves, and to deny is to seek some type of mental breakdown. For some, it simply feels right and good.

Here's a last thought. For those "in the closet," how can you make a judgment about this if you have never experienced it? I would imagine that you really might change your minds IF you took the first step. Consider it similar to when your parents encouraged you to eat certain vegetables when you were young. Remember: "How do you know that you won't like it, until you try it?" I think your parents might have been offering good advise!

Do as you please, I can't make you do anything. But, it gets old to hear some of these same justifications. I wouldn't ask A Celibate to advise me about sex. Why should anyone listen to reasoning about staying in the closet from people who have never been outside of it?

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Nikki A.]

The only thing you personally gain is that you are true to yourself.

[KINGFISHER]

Somebody has to take the message out there or the world will never change. So while we all have to make our own decisions about what we do with our lives those of us that do go out in public are helping make the world more tolerant and more accepting for all of us. As they say there is no gain without pain.For me going out has been a great personal gain but I also like to think i am doing my bit for the cause. Daniel

[Leslie Iz]

I live as my female persona as much as I can but it's all done in private. I come from a certain religious background where anything like crossdressing is taboo. To me it's natural and for whatever reason what I need. I do what I do happily. Maybe another question would be what is to gain by even doing that? I rarely experience the pink fog, it's more like a tsunami.

[joandher]

My opinion is that its on a need to know basis, if there is no gain theres no need to know.

HUGS J-JAY

[Barbra P]

My point was that the same answer to “what is there to gain?” is the same for “being out” as it is for cross dressing per se – enjoyment.


What's there to gain from crossdressing? My, my, what a strange question from a crossdresser.

Isn't it fun? My goodness, there are hundreds and hundreds of crossdressers on this forum (just one of MANY crossdressing forums) and fun would be the primary reason almost all would give.

Isn't it fun?

If not, then why do you do it?

S

[sandra-leigh]

I just encountered a relevant quote on an unrelated site:

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin

[Cindi Johnson]

As has already been pointed out, "out" has more than one meaning. Anyway, I choose to often, almost daily, be out in the world as a woman because that is when I feel most honest, that is when I least present myself falsely. I wasn't born female (alas, god does make mistakes!), but when I'm "out" in the world, shopping, going to a movie, or enjoying a coffee at Starbucks, I'm a bit closer in form to what I actually feel I am: a woman.

As to being "out" to everybody and anybody, that's a whole different thing. For the most part, what I do or am is nobody's business or concern.

[Cari]

I am not completely out by any means but I am much more open.
There is a balance between reward and cost that is very real.
That being said:

The biggest gains for me were finding out I am not really alone and getting a much better understanding of myself.

The other gain is that you can help others out from time to time.
With so many out it made it easier for me than someone a generation before me.
Hopefully those following me have it easier than we all did.
This is a great forum but if you get to a conference the sense of community becomes more real and is an advantage of being somewhat out.

[Aprilrain]

What's there to gain from crossdressing? My, my, what a strange question from a crossdresser.

Isn't it fun? My goodness, there are hundreds and hundreds of crossdressers on this forum (just one of MANY crossdressing forums) and fun would be the primary reason almost all would give.

Isn't it fun?

If not, then why do you do it?

S

No for me it ultimately was not fun! then again Im not a CDer.

[BiancaEstrella]

I don't need to gain anything from crossdressing. I accept it as a part of my life and I appreciate others who do.

[Stephenie S]

No for me it ultimately was not fun! then again Im not a CDer.

But, but, but. . . . .

I know sweetie. You just don't fit in. Too bad.

You can come over and play with me anytime. We'll go shopping.

Stephie

[sissystephanie]

What's there to gain from crossdressing? My, my, what a strange question from a crossdresser.
Isn't it fun? My goodness, there are hundreds and hundreds of crossdressers on this forum (just one of MANY crossdressing forums) and fun would be the primary reason almost all would give.
Isn't it fun? If not, then why do you do it?S

I have to totally agree with my namesake!! I certainly do it for fun, and I would bet that a great number of other CD's also do it for the same reason. I am not "out" by being known as a crossdresser by many people, but I am out in the public as Stephanie almost every day! However, although I am usually dressed entirely as Stephanie, I wear no makeup and no wig. Therefore, I look like the man that I am. I never get any questions about why I am dressed like a female!! People just don't care!!

[Iskandra]

About 4 - 5 inches if you like heels.. :heehee:

But what is there to gain from anything we enjoy doing? Watching movies, working out, reading, photography........

Oh wait.. we enjoy these fun passtimes.. Enough said me thinks.. :battingeyelashes:

Your enjoyment might not be my enjoyment, but everyone is reaching for the same brass ring.. To enjoy (have I used that word enough yet?) life, make it pleasurable and feed those brain bits that get enjoyment (guess not :D ) from the endorphines that are released from enjoyable activities..

Don't question, just (here it comes........) enj.. nah just have fun...

[wendy360]

Getting dressed and sitting at home is boring. That's why I go out. What is there to gain? The enjoyment of going out, weather its to the movies a club or the mall. While I am not out to anyone I know I live in LA and I can get on a freeway and drive 30 minutes and do what ever I want.

[Stephanie47]

For me there is absolutely no reason to be 'out' to anybody. Being en femme brings me peace and serenity that I do not find as a man. Being en femme reduces stress. I do not pass as a woman. Why would I want to lose that peace and serenity feeling by 'outing' myself to friends, relatives, neighbors and the general public? If I could pass as a woman (five foot six, height-weight proportional) I would venture out en femme, but, I still would not announce myself to the world.

[Frédérique]

Just a thought I had tonight... What is there really to gain by being 'out' (to the world, not just to your spouse/SO) if you're just a crossdresser with no intention of making any long-term or un-hideable physical changes? It seems like all it would do is cause strife, especially if you come from certain religious or cultural backgrounds.

Some people WANT to cause strife (or don’t care), and you’ll meet plenty of them around here. Gain the world and lose the magic, if you ask me, but few come at the “problem” from this self-self-serving, compassionate, and survivalist angle…
:straightface:

[sometimes_miss]

First an answer for Bobbie: Being out does one good thing as far as I can see; it exposes you as a crossdresser to everyone, and if there are any women out there that might be interested in you and are o.k. with crossdressing, there is a very, very slight chance that you may find them that way. Still, even though it's the 21st century, women still very, very rarely make the initial contact, so that your odds are still better playing the lottery. But I suppose it's still a better chance than dating women at random and trying to find one that way. Never the less, I don't want to deal with all the negative aspects of being out, so I'm staying in the closet.

Frederique wrote:

Some people WANT to cause strife
You know, I completely forgot about that. Some people simply love to have drama in their lives, and relish getting in your face. that would explain a lot of this 'You must be OUT!' behavior here.

[NicoleScott]

why hide if you don't feel guilt and shame?

This may be a good question for some but not for all. How about the crossdresser who derives pleasure from dressing up. It's a very personal matter that doesn't require acknowledgement from anyone else. Maybe the question should be turned around: why come out/go out if there's no compelling reason?

But I'll answer your question "why hide if you don't feel guilt and shame?" Because I don't want to lose my job or risk damaging personal (friend/family) relationships. And other reasons that have been discussed at length here.

[TinaMc]

I just encountered a relevant quote on an unrelated site:

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin

Oh I like that quote!

[jillleanne]

There are many different answers to that question for many different reasons. We are individual and therefore, have individual reasons. I am out, not partially, fully out. Why? Simply because I choose to be. I love the freedom that comes with it, social interaction with others, honesty, confidence knowing I have nothing to hide from anyone, the clothing choices and styles, the reasons go on and on. The smell of Chanel, the feel of soft silky undergarments, the shape heels give my legs, shall I continue?
I chuckle to myslef now thinking back to the days when in the closet, anxiously waiting for my s/o to leave, even making excuses as to why I could not join along with her, then running as quickly as possible to grab the stash of apparel, get dressed up maybe take some pics, strut out of sight outdoors, blood racing through my veins all the while. Watch the clock, the time is clicking away at lightning speed. Get undressed, double chck the list of things I wore and ensure all is back in the stash
(often missing something allowing panic to enter the equation), stashing the stash, out with the vaccuum quickly, can't leave heel marks or vaccuum marks so scuff the carpet with my feet to make the carpets look like they have been walked on and not just vaccuumed. Finally sit, wipe the sweat that is cascading down me from all the panic. Double check again for any items not stashed. Time to finally relax and continue on with the rest of the day. Today, 'out' to whom ever cares to know, I will never get the opportunity to ever revisit those days again, amen!!!
Oh yes, altar boy as a child in a Catholic church to whiich I walked a many a time at a distance of about 1.2 miles, one way.
" Just crossdressing?", I think not in my case.