I'm starting to wonder and worry about my mind

[Jay Cee]

I've had varying degrees of self - acceptance of my transgenderism/transexualism for the past year or so. I've taken small steps:epilating body hair, dressed in gender neutral clothing, ears pierced, started electrolysis, polished nails, etc. So far, I haven't been bold enough to go all the way with CD'ing in public - a random person on the street would have to look hard to notice the small details of how I crossdress.

But still, it isn't enough. All it does is take the edge off a little bit. I don't think that even full out CD'ing in public would be adequate. I am starting to truly realize that "Oh my Goddess, I am transexual."

What I am worried about is something relatively new - it feels like there is a corner of my thoughts where there is a woman feeling sad (and sometimes crying) about being in the wrong body. It feels like a disassociation of sorts - like the female part of me is being contained, so that I can still function out in the world. It scares me a bit, though. It feels like the beginning of a mental health issue, and that idea frightens me. A lot.

Does this make any sense? Has anyone else had similar experience? If so, how did you deal with it? I am currently seeing a gender therapist. I will soon see a doctor who specializes in trans-health, who in turn will refer me to a psychologist who does GID assessments. So I'm taking some steps. I'm just wondering what else I can do.

[Sheren Kelly]

It is said that the only crazy people are the ones who don't think they have issues.

I too have gone through similar phases of what I called extreme gender envy, thinking I was stuck in a guy's body and would never be accepted. What I did was to recognize that I could not control society's perception of me, but I did have the ability to acept myself, that being a person with a wider gender expression than most. I still present in guy mode well enough though I have pretty much eliminated the facial hair and have become comfortable integrating some feminine mannerisms into my guy mode. I also have toned down my femme expression a bit and am more focused on an every-day look.

One thing I try to avoid doing is regarding myself as two personalities. I am just one person (the femme name is only a convenience) and I try to embrace the best of both genders in my identity.

[morgan51]

This was the beginning of a mental health issue it just started 56yrs. ago. Accepting who I am has made the public scrutiny at least bearable. Knowing that I am doing what I need to do to survive is freeing as well. I am feeling more acceptance from others as I accept myself. Talking with a gender therapist will help, just talking with a friend helps as well . Good luck on your journey. Hugs

[Frances]

It's called gender dysphoria, which is mental distress caused by not having mind and sex aligned. It is a mental health issue and can prettyu much only be corrected by transitioning. A lot of your posts are along these lines. There is nothing else to do but see a therapist specialising in gender issues. Good luck.

[Badtranny]

Jay Cee,

I love your posts. They are all over the map girl, but they're all so honest and vulnerable that sometimes I just wish I could hug you.

This confusion you're suffering could really be an awakening and I think so far you're doing everything right. The only advice I would or could give you is to keep your head straight. You are approaching a stage where the decisions you make will have rippling consequences. Make these decisions with a clear head and do your best to be patient with the process. My therapist told me that one of the red flags she looks for is a misplaced urgency to start HRT or have surgeries right away. Basically, frantic behavior is always a bad sign to any mental health professional, so be brutally honest with yourself and your doctors. No more secrets!

Oh, and don't worry about the cross dressing. I seriously thought I wasn't TG because I didn't enjoy cross dressing. My therapist told me that presentation is way more than clothes and I was one of the most natural and obvious TS cases she's seen in awhile. The most important thing to remember is this; Above all, be true to yourself.

[Starling]

Dear Jay Cee,

I have a similar feeling of dissociation, where in my youth I used to feel only an urge to dress, which was satisfied until the next urge. Now the feeling of yearning persists, for everything related to womanhood, and even dominates my waking hours, unless there is something in my environment which is intensely interesting or distracting.

In fact, I can't remember any experience in my life, with the occasional exception of lovemaking, giving me unbridled joy. My mind would always send me messages of futility, reminders that when the joy had passed, I would be even more unhappy than before, because my true self did not participate. Thus the joy was inhibited before it could be felt.

The feeling hadn't yet resolved itself into conscious dysphoria. It's as if someone else had the emotional experience--someone who was going to die. Now I've come to realize I don't hate my penis, per se; but it's pretty irrelevant to my life,as more and more I hate having to do anything as a man. On the other hand, I feel I could do almost anything as a woman, and I mourn for the life I haven't had.

This feeling has gotten stronger and stronger over the years and is becoming hardly bearable. I saw a general therapist for depression quite regularly several years ago, and while she was very smart and caring, she had little understanding of how my mood might be affected by my all-pervasive gender feelings.

Next month I will have my first appointment with a gender specialist, and I hope for some guidance which will bring me the peace within myself to accomplish what I feel I must do.

I wish you the best of luck in your quest, Jay Cee, and I look forward to hearing about your progress.

:) Lallie

[Inna]

Doubt, confusion, regression, feeling of two distinct identities fighting for exposure, all aspects of Dysphoria. I have gone through a very simmilar experience firstly trying to deny my feminine self freedom, when that didn't work I then decided that time had come to allow her the rightful place amongst living and sent my Man to the dungeons previously occupied by her. What a fiasco it was. After a half a year he exploded with a vengeance, but made me realize that "I"is comprised of both, him and her and even though I feel much more a woman he has been with me throughout my entire life and to deny him life would be like amputating half of my self.................not a good idea. So until you allow both of your self to achieve balance, feeling of discomfort shall persist.
To that you add dissatisfaction with secondary sexual characteristics you have been granted at birth and voila, Gender Dysphoria galore.

Gender therapy is a paramount to unravel and slowly understand who you truly are.
You will get there babe, it takes time unfortunately, I know, because I my self couldn't wait but had to go through the process.

Love, Inna

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You are on the right track Jaycee..

there is no timetable or rules on how to navigate your own feelings..

always remember that the end game is to improve your quality of life...
unfortunately read lallie's post... for some reason, the feeling never goes away..

gender dysphoria is a real thing ..it feels bad in a way that is impossible to describe in word but lallie did a pretty good job of it....transition is so hard to fathom for folks (me included) that it took this horrible feeling to literally make it a matter of life or death..and then person transition...its amazing how this arc is repeated over and over again in my generation.....i realize it sounds like a horror movie...when you are telling your friends you are a woman, it kind of is!!!

lots of ts women don't go outside dressed for many years...that doesnt mean anything, and based on your avatar, you are likely to find a successful female appearance